Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

I wonder if she'll take it at face value or read between the lines.. if you get an arsey reply it will be quite telling.

Oh my goodness something very similar happened to my best friend. Within 2 weeks her husband was receiving messages about how he should leave my friend for her, she would do anything for him sexually etc. Cut her off and tell your DH about the comments!

I would finish that friendship. I would say she's particularly interested in him in a way that goes beyond 'you're husband's handsome'. If she asks why, I would say to her that you think her level of interest in your husband is inappropriate, and has therefore stepped over a irreversible friendship boundary. It sounds harsh, but I would not be drawn into a discussion with her about it. She's made her interest pretty clear!!

Mary is creepy.
Reminds me of a pal I had in uni who turned out to be a covert narcissist. She would fling herself at anyone I was dating. Very 'single white female'ish.

Sorry but she is not your pal.
Your husband is right, she is self absorbed.
And rn she sees you as her competition.

Dump your friend and ask your DJ to block her on social media.

And the truth is whilst saying she wanted a relationship until very recently she hadn't actively been looking or putting herself out there to meet anyone not already in her circle of friends or acquaintances but anytime I tried to gently point this out it was met with hostility about how I couldn't possibly know what it's like to be single at her age when all of her friends are married or in relationships and how difficult it is to meet people. I wouldn't push back because she is right, I haven't been on the dating scene for close to 15 years so I don't know what it's like.

See I find this kind of thing irritating with single women/friends.

Almost trying to make you feel guilty because you're in a relationship and they're not.

I suspect that prior to your DH losing weight, she didn't think much of him, but now she thinks he looks great and is jealous...maybe thinking not only have you come through the rough patch, but your man is looking good and her behaving like a silly teenager is ridiculous.

I agree with your DH that Mary is a bit of a user...a fairweather friend I'd say. I'm like you and don't like confrontation...so I would step back from the friendship...I'd be very busy and keep her at arms length which is quite easy with coronavirus.

I'd cut her off. This is no friend of yours OP!!

She's after him. Tell him to block her, tell him what's going on keep your distance from her and don't let her contact husband or come to your home. If you feel you can lose her as a friend altogether. X

Donation is a really good idea. Very odd behaviour from Mary I would follow your gut instinct about her.

What a weirdo. Wonder if she'll just ignore your message.

I have had a response from Mary and I don't really know what to make of it, I actually feel guilty for talking/thinking badly of her.

"The donation idea is nice but I know you've had a crap few months so I really wanted to get you something nice, that's why I messaged DH. You're always so paranoid about people spending too much on you & always feel guilty about spending on yourself because of DC so I thought DH might know what you actually would like."

This was then followed up by another saying "anyway I've got DC presents already & would like to give in person & see you all, we've hardly seen each other this year. I didn't think it would be a big deal messaging DH, thought it was about time I made an effort with him but I won't bother in future as its obviously annoyed you"

The rest of the message was talking about an issue Mary has at work and a man who she has been talking to through online dating who's come on a bit strong.

I'm feeling a bit like maybe I've overreacted and got the wrong end of the stick

You didn't overreact.

She developed a sudden interest in him after he lost weight, it probably took her by surprise, and now she's trying to play it down.

Your actions have served to bring her back to reality.

I'm feeling a bit like maybe I've overreacted and got the wrong end of the stick

No you haven't. She's annoyed that your DH didn't accept her friend request or enter into a secret convo with her.

She's been rumbled and doesn't like it!

I didn't think it would be a big deal messaging DH, thought it was about time I made an effort with him

Only after he got a bit hunky!

but I won't bother in future as its obviously annoyed you

Translation -
Oh shit, he ain't interested in starting something with me

Oh, and the follow up message about seeing you all.....we know who she really wants to see!

Anyway, you've NO reason to feel guilty. We here all saw what she was up to.

Well done for taking control of the situation OP.

Please don't feel guilty, Mary is now gas lighting you. She's doing her best to make you feel paranoid now she's been rumbled. Trust your gut instinct.

She's been very obvious in her first attempt, you now need to be extra vigilant for more covert attempts if you choose to continue the friendship. She will be doing her very best now to make you feel like you overreacted, don't fall for it! If you arrange to meet her with DC I'd plan it in a way that DH isn't around... Meet her at the park or something. If she's never been bothered in the past about netting you with DH in attendance, now isn't the time to let her force this "new normal" on you.

Stand firm, you were 100% spot on

I agree with the others that you didn't overreact op. She was called out and she is backtracking by making you feel guilty.
Big question: Why after all this time did she think it was about time she made an effort with your dh?? That tells you her intentions, hidden under that waffle about being so concerned about your well being.
Good on you for dealing with this immediately. Your dh should block her as well.

Nowhere in your message to get did you indicate that you were annoyed. You just showed slight surprise as you thought she didn't use social media. She obviously knows you will be annoyed with her as she is blatantly trying to weasel her way in with your husband! She now knows he told you straight away and won't be engaging with her, and she now knows you aren't stupid. I'd keep a wide berth in future if I were you OP x

but I won't bother in future as its obviously annoyed you

Passive aggressive and it shows she is playing games. Fuck her off OP. She's not your friend.

Nowhere in your message to her*

"but I won't bother in future as its obviously annoyed you"

Says it all OP. She is the one who is pissed off. She hates she has been rumbled. Otherwise she would have said "annoyed him" or upset/bothered you. Why assume you're annoyed?

Ooh she is a sly fox. Trying to make you feel guilty because you cottoned onto her bs.

You weren't wrong op.
Sounds like she is looking for a way in to meet your hubby again too.

I'd distance myself asap. And mention to hubby that she is giving you the heebie jeebies.

I think putting some distance into the friendship is still the best course for me, taking DH aside for a moment it hasn't been the great friendship I've considered it to be when I look at it all written down. It will give me time to evaluate if I want to end it, I know even if it continues I'll have be much stronger in my boundaries.

DH once again last night reiterated that he doesn't believe that Mary is a good friend and listed all of his reasons why but was explicit in saying he didn't want to tell me to stop being friends that it was my decision and he wouldn't become involved unless I ask for his advice or opinion.

Even if I do agree to meeting Mary to exchange gifts DH wouldn't be around. He's always made himself scare when Mary is around with the exception of a quick hello if he hasn't been quick enough to vacate the property before she arrived. This has always been his choice due to his low opinion of her and he finds her very irritating so I can imagine that as soon as I said she may be coming around he will suggest he goes out for a run or something.

I agree with WellQualified actually. My neighbour / friend occasionally makes leering remarks about Dh I find it quite funny (him less so).

Well it's not as if she was going to admit what she was doing. The only other option was to play it down to save face.