Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Are you ok hun?! 🤣

You may Mary's friendship OP, but she doesn't value yours similarly.

She is behaving really badly and making a show of herself.

I can understand that you may not want a big confrontation but her behaviour is really distasteful.

Better that your husband doesn't respond at all, but I would be definitely pulling back from someone who was prepared to make a play for my husband.

I'd also be mortified for her.
She must be quite desperate.

@BananasAreEvil1

Why does your DH think that she's not a very good friend to you? Has she already made a play for him?

It's good that he does think that.

I would take a big step back from her. It doesn't sound like she can be trusted.

What colour lipstick is allowed on a Sunday? Those “offences” seem quite minor to me.

@itsgettingcoldoutside

She is clearly after your husband. I had a friend like this. She told me she had messaged him once on Facebook about 'me'. Another time she turned up on a Sunday tarted up in red lipstick. Asking how she looked with him there. It was awkward. I didn't trust her after that. We eventually fell out.!

Sorry, meant in response to @itsgettingcoldoutside...

@arnietheaardvark DH has felt some behaviour from Mary over the years has been quite selfish and that Mary mostly only puts an effort in when she doesn't have a boyfriend or other friends around and that even then it mainly revolves around what Mary wants to do and spends a great deal of time talking about her problems without asking how I am.He probably is correct about that but it hasn't bothered me too much because our lives are at different stages. I prefer going out for dinner and having a glass of wine at home on a Saturday night whilst Mary prefers to go out to pubs and clubs etc and I don't particularly enjoy talking about myself or being centre of attention so it hasn't bothered me the way it does DH when he has observed it

Tell it like it is.

Text

Mary , you are making a nuisance of yourself with unwelcome attentions to DH.

Oof!

1. Tell DH to unfriend Mary.

1. Tell Mary that you're in uncomfortable with her directly contacting DH and he's therefore unfriended her.

No need to have any further conversation with her about it.

I would work in partnership with your partner to reply to the messages and see what happens. If Mary gets flirty, get flirty back. If she tries to arrange something more affair-y, then at least you know for sure

Tell Mary that you're in uncomfortable with her directly contacting DH and he's therefore unfriended her.

That will make Mary think she's some kind of femme fatale, and that OP is having to control her DH, otherwise he'll stray.

She's making it really obvious isn't she? How disrespectful. Your DH ignoring her message and you replying is the best thing to do for now but if she persists I would be telling her straight to back off

@AryaStarkWolf

She's making it really obvious isn't she? How disrespectful. Your DH ignoring her message and you replying is the best thing to do for now but if she persists I would be telling her straight to back off

I agree, show her you’re into her, give her a chance to give her own head a wobble and back off, if she doesn’t then take her to task

Into!

ONTO!

Ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️

Mary changed the dynamics of the friendship- not you. So you dont need to feel guilty about backing off.

I’d tell your dh what she was saying and tell him the truth about it making you feel uncomfortable.

No need for the handwringing. Friendships change. It’s just life.

This “friendship” has passed its sell-by date already before this.

Your DH is correct - it doesn’t sound reciprocal or to be bringing you any benefit.

You need to edit out this previously one sided friendship (now currently v unsettling behaviour) - hang out with people you are more compatible with.

You have no obligation just because you have known her for years when she is behaving so unhinged.

I can't relate to this specific situation but the relationship with your friend sounds a lot like one I've had with someone who it turns out is not actually a very nice person (liked to belittle me & others, incredibly selfish). I'd also consider myself an introvert and for a few years didn't realise what a toxic relationship it was. I wouldn't put it past someone like that to act in a way that would hurt a 'friend' if it's what they wanted. This situation with your husband aside, I'd put a bit of distance between yourself and her and try to take a good look at the 'friendship' from an outside perspective to see whether it is as mutually beneficial as it should be... I'd bet it isn't

I agree with PP above .Shes after your bloke! For all those who say men are not weak little creatures to be "stolen" maybe not ,but at the very least many of them dont mind a bit of flattery for sure! She is not being a friend to you at all! She is ignoring you and your feelings .I would ask DH to drop her from SM ,and do the same as well .I dont think you need to tell her any home truths ,she knows what shes about!

Even if you dont have too many friends ,I would defo lose this one for sure! She is not a friend in any way at all .Many R/L go through a rough patch and most genuine friends would support you .Its just what they do!

Wow! From latent toxicity to blatant toxicity! It sounds like there's been low-level toxicity throughout the friendship, which you've been able to tolerate and brush off. Your DH has noticed and I think he's well aware what Mary's really made of. I think you are too, but the good aspects of your friendship with her have helped it to last this long, amazingly. But these latest bold-as-brass antics have pulled the curtain back entirely. It's ok to let this friendship go, OP. She's given you every reason to. She's in it for your DH now and that changes everything.

Mary can be quite confrontational although it's never usually directed towards me

Perhaps that is because she's never had a reason to be confrontational towards you before. I predict that this might change in the near future.

She's trying to cosy up to your DH (hence the fishy Christmas present message) and she's really not going to like it if she thinks she is being thwarted in her objective.

The comments are fine - either funny or irritating but the changing how she interacts with him directly is not fine ie. opening his car door for a chat when she previously ignored him. The excuse to contact him on SM is very definitely not ok.

I would say it straight and succinctly "DH mentioned you contacted him on SM. He found it strange. So did I to be honest." Then close your mouth and don't be dragged into any "oh are you paranoid / jealous / insecure" stuff. Just keep calmly repeating "it's strange. You've known him ten years and never become friends. There is no reason to be contacting him now."

Ask him to remove her from SM and don't bring it up again.

If she stops and things go back to normal just forget about it.
If she persists or worse tries to sneer at you "oh there's your husband, am I allowed wave to him" just end the friendship.

Next time you see her, if she mentions your hubby again, say "Mary, you need to get out there and find yourself a man. You're ready, it's time". X

She’s not your friend. Tell her to knock it off.

Cut her out right now

Op, you’re being too nice, don’t be a fool!!

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends, everything changed the second she text your husband. This was to be her way in!

Send her packing!