Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

She's making a play for your husband right in front of you. She's being disrespectful and disloyal to you and predatory towards your husband. She's not your friend.

I'd cut her out and make sure your husband knows everything. Keep her out of your life.

I had a friends knew her from high school we're best mates for 30+ years. She was my matron of honour. She'd often say things like "I wish I had your life" and "I'm going to pinch your life" weird shit like that. Anyway me and dh split up, 4 weeks later he was living at my "friends" and if I didn't like it, we'll it's too late it's done now. Never spoke to her again. And he was wanker lead by his cock!

Bloody hell, she's no friend and your husband is right. I would distance myself from her and look for other friends.

Your husbands gut instinct was not to like her from the start and he’s been proved right hasn’t he. Drop the friend and pick your husband!

@itsgettingcoldoutside

She is clearly after your husband. I had a friend like this. She told me she had messaged him once on Facebook about 'me'. Another time she turned up on a Sunday tarted up in red lipstick. Asking how she looked with him there. It was awkward. I didn't trust her after that. We eventually fell out.!

'Tarted up in red lipstick', guess I get tarted up everytime I wear makeup then,red lipstick is the only colour that suits me.

Call her out on it. Then block and forever delete. She's not your friend, she's a thirsty cunt. Cant stand people like her. Tell your dh and if he has any respect and love for you, he'll delete her. Don't fear to stand up for yourself and having enough self respect to walk away from arseholes like her.

I've had a chat with DH, I know some advised not to tell him what Mary has been saying but given communication the direct message today, I have told him. He hasn't yet accepted the friend request on social media and has no intention to either. She will have seen that he has read her message but he hasn't responded and he won't respond.

He's annoyed that I have let it bother me and not told him about it as he would have reassured me that I have nothing to worry about from his end.

As I said in my OP I wasn't sure if my feeling uncomfortable was justified or if it was my insecurity playing up something that was a non-existent issue so I'm reassured that this isn't just me feeling insecure and having low self esteem.

I'm going to message Mary something along the lines of "Hi Mary DH mentioned that you added him on social media and messaged him, I thought you didn't use social media anymore? In any event you really don't have to get me anything for Christmas but if you insist you could get X or Y. With the covid restrictions and how busy work is for us both I'm not sure when we'll see each other to exchange gifts so I was planning on having yours shipped directly to you"

I was then planning to distance myself for quite some time to give myself time to reevaluate the friendship. I know the message is a bit more passive aggressive than some would go for but being directly confrontational isn't my style and I still feel I'd look a bit possessive and crazy if I accused her of making goo goo eyes at DH.

I had a friend like this. It was soooo obvious she fancied DH.

He'd comment on how he'd seen her walking through the village or in her front garden on his way home (she knew the time he'd be driving past)

She turned up once in her work uniform - dark blue nurse's outfit, two sizes too small & wearing a load of make-up

She moved jobs to be where he worked

She "popped round" while I was away

He became infatuated

They had an affair

We had other problems in the background that made it more likely - she knew this as I'd confided in her

A long while later DH & I split up

Mary is not to be trusted

"Hi Mary, I thought I said recently that I would have a think and get back to you about what I would like from you for Christmas, so not really sure why you have messaged DH and asked him the same question. Anyway I have had a think, and I've decided that my preferred Christmas present from you would be for you to stay the fuck out of my relationship with DH. Hope that helps."

Cross-posted with you OP - what you are doing I think is perfect

I think you did the right thing, he's your Dh the one you should confide in, I hope he managed to put your mind at rest that he's not interested most importantly.
If you do decide to stay friends with her I couldn't help but to rub it in how much of a good relationship you have with dh, show her you have no competition confidence!

Hi Mary,

Well DH has gone and spoilt your Christmas surprise! Silly bugger told me you had messaged him about what to get me! Sorry but he was just bemused by the fact that you had contacted him...I had to remind him who you were! Anyway, was thinking rather than faff about with presents since we prop can’t see each other before Christmas , shall we each make a donation to a charity or foodbank instead? Speak soon.

....and then be unavailable.

Time for a new patio.

@seensome Mary knows our relationship is in a much better place but I don't really discuss it or DH with her as I always felt guilty like I was rubbing it in her face as she would make comments about how I've got the perfect life or how she isn't ever going to meet anyone or have a family or say things like she is hideous so no man would want her.

She isn't hideous she's very attractive but can have very unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be like where its like something from a romantic movie being swept off her feet and romantic gestures every day type thing.

And the truth is whilst saying she wanted a relationship until very recently she hadn't actively been looking or putting herself out there to meet anyone not already in her circle of friends or acquaintances but anytime I tried to gently point this out it was met with hostility about how I couldn't possibly know what it's like to be single at her age when all of her friends are married or in relationships and how difficult it is to meet people. I wouldn't push back because she is right, I haven't been on the dating scene for close to 15 years so I don't know what it's like.

So I'd listen to her worries and problems and nod politely

I'd say to her "Dh said you added him then messaged him about xmas presents which he found a bit strange since you have never done it before and combined with constantly going on about him last time we were together it's all a bit weird to us both, I'm sure you didnt mean to come across like that so maybe best not messaging dh again 😂"

@MrsGrindah that is an excellent idea suggesting a donation instead. I'm sure Mary would go for the foodbank suggestion. I wasn't sure how I'd get myself off the hook from the gift situation as we've always bought gifts for birthday and Christmas and had already discussed Christmas prior to this.

This year birthday gifts were shipped or posted but certainly suggesting a donation could solve this issue and allow me to pull back

I would ask your DH to block her. There is no reason to continue with this friendship. You have the biggest red flag, she couldn't stop talking about him and then messaged him using the excuse to get you a present when she must know you well already.
There's no point playing nice when she clearly isn't by going direct to him hoping for conversation and then more. This is how it works, one step at a time.
There's one thing I've noticed around me and from the older generation, that is that you can have an amazing friendship for years and years and then it hits a stage where one person just changes so negatively and that friendship is over. I've seen it too much. It's hard for the other friend to see because they went through so much together but your situation you need to be more abrupt. You don't need to answer to her. She's telling you and your DH to your faces what her plans are. Don't ignore them because you're a nice person.

Mary does sound like a real drag, can't be happy for you, when you sympathise, you can't possibly understand.,,perhaps this friendship has run its course and she's becoming nothing but trouble and a stress, faze out the contact if I was you.

OP,
Your message is perfect.
Take your time.
Glad you told your husband.
He sounds nice and lucky to have you.
I can't imagine not.

Mary isn't your friend.
She doesn't wish you well.

Take your space.

I feel embarrassed for Mary . I can’t imagine acting like that in front of another woman’s partner.

Spied
"Mary, DH told me you've been messaging him and after all this time of knowing him we were wondering why.
We actually had a bit of a laugh saying you must fancy him haha. He was mortified haha.." that should nip it in the bud, I’d at least try it if she’s been a good friend in the past.

I have some experience of this situation and some women just don’t care. She may continue to pursue your DH. In my case my friend’s husband asked her if she had feelings for my DH, because she talked about him all the time and looked at his Facebook constantly. I only know that because she told me. It became an obsession, she would message my DH and say it was an accident. He was mortified as he didn’t see it straight away and stupidly neither did I. She would only do activities if they involved DH, otherwise there would be excuses. It was only when my other friends started to ask me why I wasn’t saying anything, that I realised it was odd. We are no longer friends.

Haha my oldest and bestest friend went for my bloke. I've never seen her in the same way since and we don't speak now. She even asked him to help her do her bra strap up properly ffs.

No longer speak to the ex either but thats another story

Don't be polite to her OP, ditch ASAP. She is not your friend. She will not give one damn if she was able to lure your DH away. She would happily have your man if she could.

I've had a few "friends" like this. I'm guessing you're a lovely person with perhaps some weak boundaries.

She is not your friend. If your DH was up for it (which he isn't), she'd have him.

Get rid

I would reconsider the friendship, but not because I think she's "after him". More because she's never taken the slightest bit of interest in your husband until now (which is a little rude and dismissive) yet she's suddenly right into him once he gets into shape - she must be pretty shallow and I wouldn't want that in a good friend.

I think your approach sounds fine OP, it passes on the message nicely.

I've sent the message to Mary also offering a donation as an out. I haven't had a response yet but I expect I will do at some point