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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend and my DH

374 replies

BananasAreEvil1 · 17/11/2020 14:48

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 08/12/2020 00:08

The fact you gave her another chance shows you're a good friend who offered her the benefit of the doubt. Please don't be embarrassed - you've got integrity, respected your friendship enough to try to save it.

Mary, on the other hand, is an absolute horror show. I wouldn't tell your DH all the details, just that you've decided the friendship doesn't serve you anymore. Don't let her poison anymore the good energy between you and DH, by even discussing this miserable affair again.

Sorry Op, that this happened. At least now you know for sure and don't have her toxicity in your life anymore.

FrenchBoule · 08/12/2020 00:10

OP,shocked at your update.
Mary is a prize cunt and shit stirrer.

Please speak to your DH as then he’ll fully know what nutterr you’re dealing with.

I’d also update mutual friend although please consider how trustworthy she is.

Cut Mary off on all platforms and move on.

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 08/12/2020 00:12

@TwentyViginti I honestly don't know what she thought. I hadn't told anyone what had gone on, I wanted to just move past it and there be no more drama, things were strained between us but we were moving forward with the friendship or so I thought.

I didn't expect her to say anything to our mutual friends and certainly didn't expect her to say what she did.

I don't want to create anymore drama over it, I've simply shut down this topic with mutual friend, I can't have my life turn into an episode of Eastenders

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 00:16

Actually, thinking about it, she's done this for 'revenge'. You called her out, she was sorry, didn't mean it like that blah blah, now she's 'getting her own back'.

She's now lost a very good friend, will gain a reputation as a bunny boiling nutter and for what? Truly shot herself in the foot now.

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 08/12/2020 00:22

@TwentyViginti you may be right. She confided or whatever you to call it in the friend most likely to stir the pot. I didn't want to give the suggestion any oxygen so managed a laugh and said something along the lines of don't be ridiculous and changed the subject.

I don't want it to be a he said she said situation and I don't want my marriage to become subject to the rumour mill based on anything Mary may have said

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 08/12/2020 00:31

This woman targeted you and your spouse likely because she predicted your likely response-embarrassment,shame,passiveness. What did you wrong? Nothing. She's not worth your angst right now-tell your friendship group because she's going to pull the same shit on another woman soon

TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 00:33

She confided or whatever you to call it in the friend most likely to stir the pot.

Very calculating of her! she may of course tell mutual friend you've blocked and unfriended her in order to keep your DH from straying.

I feel your silence and shutting down of the topic with mutual friend is the only way. Denial is useless in these cases as you can't prove a negative.

ktp100 · 08/12/2020 00:35

You need to shut this down and fast!

Tell DH to remove her from all SM and tell her to back off.

I'd be fuming!!

Itsjustme102 · 08/12/2020 00:43

Oooft, she turned out to be quite a treacherous monster.

Don’t let her back in your life OP. She will take great pleasure in sucking the joy out of it. Focus on your Dh and Dc

Smallgoon · 08/12/2020 00:59

Are you imagining this when in fact she's mentioned him twice?

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 08/12/2020 01:01

@Smallgoon I wish that were the case, unfortunately things have moved on since I initially posted a number of weeks ago

OP posts:
Winterflower84 · 08/12/2020 01:05

I'd cut all contact with her right away. Just block her from your life. What an unpleasant type!

2020wish · 08/12/2020 01:15

Crazy

Hawkins001 · 08/12/2020 01:18

You say unfortunately things have moved on since, what's happened recently with the situation ?

FingersCrossedForChristmasAll · 08/12/2020 01:31

I’m sorry things turned out this way OP. She has truly shown what type of person she is, definitely not a friend. From your posts it sounds like this ‘friendship’ has taken a huge amount of effort for you to keep going. You have been there through thick and thin when she has alienated other friends. I think she might need to address her mental health because this most recent behaviour is just not a ‘normal’ way to react. If not MH then she is playing games to make herself feel better in some deluded way. She seems to be a very unhappy person and she often takes this out on you. Well, enough is enough and you have quite rightly reached your limit.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about in giving her another chance but I’m glad to hear you have now blocked her and will be cutting her out of your life. I hope your other friends are supportive and treat you with respect. You are a good friend and deserve to be treated that way.

Isthisnothing · 08/12/2020 01:45

Crikey. I actually think this is s good thing as there is absolutely no ambiguity now whether you were bring sensitive or not. Have nothing more to do with her. I doubt that's the only friend she has gone running to with her fantasy tales. I wouldn't bother with a dignified silence I would tell all mutual friends you have cut ties as she became unhealthily obsessed with your marriage.

NotPrude · 08/12/2020 02:13

I've not read all posts but I have read your updates.

Gosh, that is something else! Being completely honest, I don't think your friend is malicious - sounds like she's in a really bad place and has been since her marriage split up, for which she (unreasonably) holds you accountable. I wonder if this was her way of getting back at you - she saw you and DH, and DH looking good, and jealousy and bitterness took over so she wanted to cause you problems.

I know that is not ok, but I think she is genuinely messed up rather than malicious, and she needs help to work through her issues. At this rate, she won't have anyone left in her life.

You've done enough to help her, and it's not for you to keep helping her when she crossed into the territory of causing problems in your marriage.

Cut her out, feel free to tell mutual friends what really happened (whether or not they believe you, who knows) and just hope she sorts herself out and is repentant one day.

MsDogLady · 08/12/2020 02:22

In your shoes, I wouldn’t keep the latest a secret from your H. Mary sounds venomous and relentless. Don’t underestimate her. She will find a way to perpetuate her narrative, so H needs to be kept in the loop.

popsydoodle4444 · 08/12/2020 02:32

"Mary" is so obvious it's actually cringeworthy.

Avoid situations where Mary comes into contact with your DH;next time Mary starts harping on about your DH say in a jokey way "Mary with the way you go about DH anyone would think you have a thing for him" and get your DH to remove her from social media.

Luciferthecat666 · 08/12/2020 02:41

@BananasAreEvil1 Wow with friends like her who needs enemies Hmm I know it probably doesn't feel like it now but trust me once you've had time to think about it you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders! I ended a nearly 14 year friendship because my so called "friend" was incredibly toxic although not the same as chasing someone else's husband. She only wanted to talk about herself and her problems and even said mine could wait hers were more important, she used to put me down all the time and then blame my MH saying I was over sensitive, she'd say spiteful things to me and then tell me she was being "honest" as a good friend tells the truth. Anyway after she went too far I finally realised what a toxic bitch she was and ended the friendship and blocked her on everything and I've never regretted it.

You might feel upset at first because losing someone you considered a close friend is hard but you'll start seeing just how toxic Mary's behaviour was when she's no longer there to pour her venom into your life and I'm sure you'll feel your self esteem improves a lot more now she isn't there to pick it apart with blame, guilt, manipulations and her passive aggressive behaviour to put you on edge. Although I'd imagine she'll maintain her innocence in all this to everyone else crack on and let her as you said she burns through friends quite quickly eventually she'll run out of friends to burn through and end up friendless. As the saying goes "you reap what you sow"

HouseHunter2021 · 08/12/2020 02:46

I have no advice OP, but I saw your thread when you first posted and was following with interest as I suspected you weren’t being oversensitive but I cannot believe this update!😱

You have nothing to be embarrassed about and I would definitely be telling your DH about the progression of this situation. Whether or not she has mental health issues or is in a bad place, it’s no excuse to make a play for your friends husband, especially when that friend has obviously went above and beyond for you and valued the friendship. Absolutely despicable behaviour from a grown woman.

I hope you’re ok OP, you haven’t lost anything in this, you’ve gained knowledge about your “friend” that shows you you’re better off without her.

strangertimes · 08/12/2020 04:12

Wow. She’s toxic. Glad you cut her off

midnightstar66 · 08/12/2020 04:31

Wow, Mary sounds like a complete fantasist! Don't let her play on your insecurities- she sounds like she has far more of those!

dabbadabbadoooo · 08/12/2020 04:45

Don't you feel embarrassed. It's her that will become the laughing stock . Wow how desperate can one Person get and don't take any notice of the hour punching . You always get people like her . They always end up unhappy and alone because they are so bitter x

Sunflower1970 · 08/12/2020 04:56

Totally inappropriate of Mary. You might have e known her since school but she is overstepping the mark and disrespecting you. I would tell your husband not to reply. Next time you see her I would make a joke saying you’d both laughed your heads off That she’s messaged him and say sorry he hasn’t replied - he doesn’t message other women!!!