Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

Mary sucks. I know you don’t want to lose her friendship, but I am not sure she is worth keeping.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I think your emotionally baggage you required from your emotionally abusive Relantship with ex is Clouding your Judgemental somewhat on Op thread Dilemma,

This so called friend of Op Mary has allready even before she has shown in interest in Op husband.

Its Clear this friendship with Mary is very one sided/out of balance such as Mary is very self absorbed (Needy,when Mary is relantships she drops Op like a sackful of potatoes (ok its normal for a short while when first get together to be lovey/dovey,but this happens often,
Op is there for her,
Ok Mary was there for Op when she was going rocky patch in her marriage.
(I just wonder if Mary is the type of friend who Just prefers you her as friend ,when You are down on your luck,
(but secretly likes/enjoys being a rescuser as it makes her feel better,less insecure,more superior.

I think cause is introvert/and this is a long time friendship I think this can Cloud her Judgemental, (doesn't trust her intuition/gut reaction enough,hence this thread, Also being introvert, she is insecure/and bit too Needy over relying for Mary as a friend.

I appreciate your comments/this is sharia law principal like middle east in which a person is viewed as a personal property of their spouses I get Get.

The point I making their is one thing to discreetly admire a painting at distance(after all everybody is human/has feelings

But as a good Friend you quickly get over any feelings like that,as you would not want to embarrass/upset your friend or make them feel Arkward/insecure in a way,

Because its just not Nice thing to dodo

But instead Mary friend who have never added on social media Op husband asks what kind of Gift op would like?
(What Mary is doing is creating a contrived sense of intimacy under guise of friendship,a perfect excuse to start off a friendship with Op husband, which hopefully will continue/flourish in Mary favour.

You don't have to be a Genuis to work out what Mary is doing..

Mary clearly overstepped the invisible boundary/mark when she oogled /drooling commenting about Op husband body like he was a male strip artist at Hen do before wedding ..
(I bet if Op and Mary was out on girls night or at a social event and Mary got tipsey drunk,Mary is the type if Op husband came in to take Op home in that situation Mary would in flirty jokey way would attempt to touch Op husband biceps/chest with a remark such as I can see youare well into working in the Gym,with a wink like out of a carry on TV movie/seaside postcode humour..

And if Op said anything Mary would reply Can't you take a Joke then?

What worry me is Mary the type if Op and her husband went through a rocky patch in their marriage, would/could Mary take advantage of this in someway under guise of a friend such as being a willing ear a familiar confident to turn to allways

And would a situation like if Op for e.g become a Carer of one or even two of parents and could allways be emotional available to husband (would the ego stroking attention of Mary/combined with a difficult time in marriage cause of family commitment pressures or another senerio make Op husband vulnerable to Mary blantant attention in any way at all?

Or this just harmless/inappropriate flirty on Marys part?
As it Certainly from here,Mary Clearly does not Care about Op feelings

I would definitely distance advise to distance yourself Op from this so called Friend Mary and seriously Consirder whether to Continue this friendship at the current way it is..

(I think this personally myself this friendship has just run its course,and its only insecurity/needyness on Op part as a extrovert has kept this friendship going for so long.

Focus on your other few friends already got,
Its the quality of friendships is more important not how many friends add/likes on social media idea..

Oops sorry

I ment to say Clearly Op introvert nature/ her insecurity and needness is the main reason owhy this friendship of Mary has continue so long when ,
Sometimes friendships change and it can be a good thing,especially if its unhealthy dynamic type of friendship

Its life

@atwellQualifiedtoRepresentLBC
Hi
I am Just really Curious how would you feel if it was you in situation like Op thread then?

Would you be happy about any of friends Oogling/Drooling opening telling you they fancy your husband like he was a male strip artist or a male Beef cake pin up model then?

Would you be ok to encourage a friend like Mary to add your boyfriend /husband to start a friendship even if she only prefer or want to add your partner often?

Are you into swinging open relantships in any way at all?
How far open are you then?

Have you got any boundaries at all in relantships or would be willing to accept A Mary type friend even of she openly flirted to your husband by touching his biceps/or his chest

Would you if Mary said she fancied your husband and said to you a comment like I wished I met him first if things go wrong for you in your marriage I be quite happy to have him instead in a jokey flirty way how would you respond to that

I too have also had a friendship like this. The key thing here is that my DP didn't react like yours at all and revelled in the attention. I wouldn't give Mary another thought. I tried very hard to understand my friend. She was trying to conceive and we were having our first child. Like you I tried very hard to understand her motivations but at the end of the day she didn't care about me.

The good thing here is that your husband acted appropriately. Mine was an insecure man. It nearly finished us. Many years down the road and two children later he had an affair and we had a painful split.

If you try and look for peoples motivations for their own behaviour and you are empathetic to their own situation it can leave you questioning yourself and who you are. Affairs start in this very way and your feelings of being in dangerous territory are utterly justified. Never ignore that feeling.

@Sssloou
Great Post 😀

Very astute observations on of Op Thread Dilemma..

@Bluntness100
Is that you Mary????
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Or Marys Mum ???
L.o.L

We saw through it
(The Jig up)..

@BananasAreEvil1 ah good, I worried I had missed something in the thread! You don't need friends like that in your life, her behaviour is appalling. Good luck moving on from this x

I had a friend with a similar name make a play for my partner. He very rudely turned her down and had told me previously she made him uncomfortable with her flirting. He told me immediately what had gone on and I couldn't believe her acting like that.

Rather than write the entire history, she reacted extremely angrily to being turned down and made out he'd been overly aggressive with her and that he was abusive to me and I needed rescuing. She'd eventually done the same to other female friend's partners and many friends only saw her on their own. She had a reputation from several men of being a bunny boiler. She accused many men of being abusive or of being gay and wimps.

Her relationship to her mother and aunt was extremely close whilst she hated her father. Her father seemed okay apart from appearing as being totally controlled by his wife but she said he was abusive to her mother. I think she resented the relationship between her mother and father.

She's always wanted very close friendships with female friends but comes across as sometimes being extremely homophobic. She once came onto me then immediately afterwards turned against me and said I'd come onto her. She stopped before I even fully realised what she was doing and had reacted. I really didn't expect it and am positive it wasn't me, I pushed her away. She kept going on about it and saying it was me who'd come onto her.

I'd never viewed things before in an unbiased way, I always believed what she'd said. I now think she has serious issues and needs avoiding. She's destructive and is out to cause harm.

@NotPrude I can't rule out that mental health is playing a role here. I know during lockdown her mental health plummeted, Mary lives alone so spent a great deal of time on her own not seeing anyone, she eventually formed a support bubble with her mum but they don't have a great relationship so it could be volatile at times when they would meet up and she expressed a lot that she didn't see the point in life etc.

Things improved when restrictions started to lift and she appeared to be coping better.

If the conversation hadn't happened with mutual friend I'd have been there to help work through and support Mary with whatever help she needed as I've always been in the past but I just can't do that now, there's too much been said and done.

I'm not concerned about what other friends may be told. We only have a couple of mutual friends, the rest are acquaintances that I've met via Mary, I don't have a great deal many friends but I do have some that I'm good friends with who have met Mary but aren't friends with her, they are also friends with DH as we usually socialise in couples

Ah, it's good Banana that yours and Mary's lives aren't overly entwined. Easier to move on now. Yes she is to be pitied, but her well being is no longer your concern after her pulling that stunt. No excuse for that extreme behaviour.

I feel your silence and shutting down of the topic with mutual friend is the only way. Denial is useless in these cases as you can't prove a negative.

I agree with this.

I think Mary is really Jane. Jane did this with my DH, and then she dropped me like a hot potato when DH wasn’t interested, even though we’d been friends for years. She made lots of comments about how it was ‘alright’ for me, and that I took my marriage for granted.

Piss off Mary-Jane!

wow that was an update how dare she after everything you done for her

good riddance i say

OP, I had a similar experience about 4 years ago with someone who worked for us— suddenly started texting and whatsapping my H all the time- we were all friends but it got to a ridiculous level- I think she liked the feeling of ‘getting one over’ on me. We had a biggish house, (rented) , a business and had been married a long time- she was a struggling single mum, always anxious about money and a relationship that had turned nasty. My H was incredibly stupid and although I did subsequently see the communications and there was clearly nothing in it, it was just general chit chat , the fact was though in my case he hid the fact she was massively over communicating as he thought it was harmless - in retrospect he now realises she was a bit of a bunny boiler as she had no reason to be contacting him so
Much and it was probably done as a giant ‘fuck you’ - against me. Some people just are toxic- full of spite, jealousy and needing ego boosts regularly . You are right to cut her out, I just got rid of this woman in my case and said I no longer needed her work wise and my H has learnt that if a woman who isn’t a very old friend and who has no need to is contacting you to chat multiple times a day , then for me ‘it just isn’t ok’ regardless of whether they are attractive or not.- there is usually a reason behind it.

Bloody hell- just read your update. She’s barking- you’re well rid.

It’s always sad when you realise a friend isn’t a friend though.

She too by the way was a bit over fond of ‘ Eastenders type scenarios’ in her life and drama. Beware of drama llamas- they like a constant feed

Me being cheeky but I'd go into DHs social media and block her.

@howdoyouknow123 DH blocked her after the second message she sent. He's never been a fan of her and would actively avoid her if he could so I've no concerns that he would unblock her.

Thank you for all the replies. I know I'm right in cutting off the friendship but it bloody hurts and it doesn't feel good at all. It might change in time.

@TwentyViginti our lives used to be more entwined as we used to have lots of mutual friends but I'm last man standing amongst them, whilst I still see/speak with them they all parted ways with Mary for various reasons over the years.

It saddens me to see so many have had similar experiences. I wouldn't have thought a friend could or would do this mainly because never in a month of Sundays would I even consider doing it myself. I've always prided myself on the fact that I'm a loyal friends and decent person and just take people to be the same.

@BananasAreEvil1 sorry to hear that Mary turned out to be a manipulative bitch - I hope you can rebuild trust in any new friendships you make in future. I just wanted to suggest that you DO tell your DH if not for reasons to do with your communication-counselling, but also because Mary has told a blatant reputation-wrecking lie about him and he deserves to know. You say he'll be horrified, well good, Mary deserves that - it'll add closure for both of you and also, DH can keep you grounded so you don't have to feel embarrassed any longer - see, this isn't because of you, she's not changed because of you, she's always been the same and you've seen her through your kind eyes. Do tell DH so that you can put it all behind you.

I agree Bananas- Discovering that there are some really two faced so called ‘friends’ out there is always completely horrible

@VenusTiger I will tell DH, I just don't really know how to tell him or what to say without bursting into tears.

I'm frankly exhausted by the whole thing and just want to move on without anymore issue or drama. I know I'm going to be upset telling DH and I'd sooner just forget the whole saga if I'm honest but I know I can't keep it from him and he already knows something was said which upset me and made me feel shit and that I have blocked Mary he just doesn't know specifics yet

Mary is a spiteful and stupid woman who was not only deluded and clearly upset by your relationship but also vindictive and knew exactly which of your buttons to push.

She knew your insecurities so used them against you to try to justify her horrific actions.

Tell your DH and its perfectly acceptable to cry about it someone you considered as a friend deliberately set out to hurt you.
I think you're DH will reassure you and also tell you what a great woman you are as you have come across here.

I'm glad you're going to tell your DH what she did and said to other people OP.

You're also doing the right thing shutting down the conversation with anyone, don't feed the beast. Responding even in defense just gives her credibility, so you did the right thing.