Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

I think that you need to confront her head on or this will spiral out of control.

I would say something to her along the lines of anyone would thin that you fancy my husband! Or my husband is not available!

Don't tell your DH Mary fancies him.....that’s going to boost his ego.

Tell Mary your DH has boils all over his arse and has an std and ed.

Tell your DH the same about Mary (minus the Ed).

I don’t think an overall good friend, as you describe Mary, would behave like this. I would ditch Mary.

@Spied

"Mary, DH told me you've been messaging him and after all this time of knowing him we were wondering why. We actually had a bit of a laugh saying you must fancy him haha. He was mortified haha.."

I quite like this, it's not rude or accusatory and shows you know she has a silly crush.

Mary is a viper in the grass, and isn't even trying to hide it. I would want to be understanding and dismiss her behaviour as a desperate midlife crisis, but she has massively overstepped the mark. It's like she's lost her senses. I'm embarrassed for her, honestly.

She's not a friend at all.

I'd ditch her and get your DH to block her on everything. And do the same.

A friend would not behave in such a way. It's fine your DH is not into her, but a friend would never be throwing herself at your husband. That's pretty awful behaviour.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

well that's done terrible advice right there. You must have incredibly low expectations of people if you think Mad Mary isn't being disrespectful to the OP.

Tell her your DH finds her behaviour embarrassing and would tell her to jog on if he wasn't so polite. Tell her you both think she's making an arse of herself and you feel sorry for her.

Mary’s weird.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

A few things that i wonder about:

a) Her friend is acting in a manner that if it follows would end up with the DH being hers. The resulting hurt that the OP would experience doesn't seem to concern her. I Have liked friends DP's before, but they are out of bounds because my friends will always come first.

b) You seem to abdicating all responsibility from the women and passing it on to the DH. It seems if anything happens it will be his fault. This is not the DH's problem. He hasn't asked for the interest. This is purely down to the friend. She should think about her actions and the OP needs to have the conversation with HER friend toi shut it down. It's not up to the DH to sort out the situation.
I have to say the more I read your comment, the more I see gender bashing in it - its not your friends fault- the OP should say nothing no matter what happens and if anything happens its all because of you your DHs!

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC if DH wanted to stray I wouldn't be minded to do a pick me dance nor make manoeuvres to try prevent/stop it, it's not in my nature and DH has always known it's a red line for me and would be the end of our relationship.

I don't want to make a massive deal out of it with either DH or Mary. DH has asked what he would like me to tell Mary and I've been breezy and said not to bother I'll reply to Mary.

I will reply to Mary just saying DH had mentioned that she had contacted him to ask about a Christmas present and then offer her some suggestions. If the messaging continues after that then I'll have to grow a back bone and tell Mary it makes me uncomfortable but it's not something I look forward to doing.

I don't have many friends and struggle making them as I'm quite introvert nor do I like any form of confrontation and Mary can be quite confrontational although it's never usually directed towards me

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

well that's done terrible advice right there. You must have incredibly low expectations of people if you think Mad Mary isn't being disrespectful to the OP. [/quote]
DH isn't the OP's possession, he is a human being. That other people admire him doesn't reflect anything on the OP.

If you believe that respect flows from how people perceive your spouse, that's on you. My exh believed that about me, and consequently made my life hell through controlling, shitty behaviour, since when a man glanced at me he perceived it as him being "disrespected".

IMO no-one should be subjected to these outdated notions about "disrespect", they are damaging and based on the idea that your spouse is somehow your possession

I think you have to tell your husband half the story but don't boost his ego too much .

I would definitely ask him to either delete/not accept her SM and definitely not reply to her.

And I would take a break from her for a while. Hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.

PS it was her commenting about his clothes against his muscles that would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Mad woman!

@BananasAreEvil1 Mary sounds like a horrible 'friend.' Time to ghost her methinks. Let her get her own man. And tell your DH to block her on social media. And you need to too.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Are you Mary by any chance?

OP your friend is not your friend, regardless of what your DH intends or doesn't intend this woman is already laying the groundwork. As a PP stated, she has used your Xmas present as an in road.

I'd discuss with your DH, stating clearly that you are worried about her behaviour, and wouldn't want him left open to any accusations or misunderstandings. Tell him you'd prefer if he blocked her for this reason.

So @BananasAreEvil1 she was MOH at your wedding and thinks this is appropriate

Fucking hell.

She’s ‘been with you through good times and bad’

She’s not likely to be with you in The bad time she’s planning for you.

I would say to my oh (if this were me) that she’s up to something, that things don’t add up cos she literally has no reason ever to friend on SM, much less ask him the same question she’d literally just asked you and that her motives are suspect at best, predatory at worst and that she is making things very clear that she’s no friend of yours, and no friend of your relationship and that you’ll be managing her out of your life and while he’s an adult etc, she’s got ulterior motives and showing how she isn’t to be trusted at the moment and therefore you’d want him to block/unfriend as part of this

But with a bit more punctuation and sentences:)

Sorry. On phone

Mary is not your friend, she's only thinking of her own gain. If she was a true friend to you, she wouldn't be so disrespectful to you by saying all the things she has done already and by going behind your back in contacting you DH, you need to stop this straightaway. She needs to be confronted and asked why she has contacted your husband, when she has had no interest in him before. Do not worry about losing this friendship as she's not seeing you as her friend, she would drop you like a sack of potatoes if she could get your DH interested in her. If you don't do something about this now OP, she will make sure she will, by the sounds of it. Good luck.

I know you say you wouldn't like to lose the friendship with Mary and that you feel you don't make friends easily...however (if she really is after your DH, and it seems she is) who needs a friend like this?

I would just feel sorry for this saddo Mary, and tell her to put her attention elsewhere. You know you are safe with your Husband, and Mary is being stupidly foolish. If she has turned into a bit of a prowler, then she is not such a good friend to you.

I would drop her like a hot brick.

You don’t need friends like her

@Chamomileteaplease I think that was the part that made me most uncomfortable. DH wasn't wearing anything special. A pair of jeans and an old t-shirt. I made my excuses and disappeared to the bathroom after that as I was so surprised.

I'm trying hard not to be unkind or about Mary. She has been a good friend over the years. She was there for me when DH and I had a bad patch and considered divorce. Thankfully counselling help us and our relationship is now in the best place it has ever been. Ironically our issues back then all stemmed from poor communication.

Mary was the shoulder I cried on, probably a bit too much as it increased her dislike for DH. It was also the same time her relationship was going through a tough time and unfortunately didn't survive and I don't think she liked seeing me upset and blamed DH for that. It wasn't all his fault we both played a part in our poor relationship at that point in time.

Truth be told DH has thought from the moment that he met Mary that she isn't a good friend to me but he's kept out of it and doesn't speak negatively about her as she is my friend, he will be polite to when he sees her but he's alway been more than happy to avoid her and does actively do so if she were to ever visit our home for example he would make arrangements to be working or go out.

So from that without even speaking to DH I know that he won't want to engage in replying to Mary on social media or any other form.

[quote Glamflimfloogety]@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Are you Mary by any chance?

OP your friend is not your friend, regardless of what your DH intends or doesn't intend this woman is already laying the groundwork. As a PP stated, she has used your Xmas present as an in road.

I'd discuss with your DH, stating clearly that you are worried about her behaviour, and wouldn't want him left open to any accusations or misunderstandings. Tell him you'd prefer if he blocked her for this reason.[/quote]
Mary sounds pathetic, which is why I can't think why the OP is so worried about her. Who cares what a strange, socially awkward woman thinks of one's husband

@Muchadoaboutlife

Cut her off. She’s trying to kickstart a relationship with him. Messaging him about Xmas?? WTF? Has she ever done that before!! If it was me I’d message her “I don’t know what you’re playing at but stop sending my DH messages. It’s embarrassing. I’m taking a break from you. Don’t message me or my DH. You’re not wanted. You’ve made me feel very uncomfortable actually. Go find somebody else’s bloke to drool over. You’re being weird” call her the fuck out. She’s not a friend.

This!!!

She was there for me when DH and I had a bad patch and considered divorce.

Even more reason to suspect her. In her mind the relationship is already unsteady, so this makes it fair game.

It doesn't make you insecure or possessive to see right through her bullshit behaviour. It's better to have an open discussion with your DH now, when there's no suspicion over his behaviour - rather than after she's made her move and put him in a compromising position where you could doubt if he played a part in it or not.