Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

Blacksax, I didn’t say you did it was general

Violet, because someone has to provide a sense of balance. And plenty of people are egging her on to believe the worst, and going even further. People are even suggesting the guy she mentioned is imaginary so she could throw the op off the scent, someone else suggested she was trying to form a bond with the husband against the op.

It’s pure bullshit. So yes, I shall continue to provide the neutral view and I will not be bullied off the thread so you can have at her.

I get that I haven't reacted today as others would have and maybe I've been too quick to react and let my emotions get the better of me but this isn't some stranger, this is one of my oldest friends, my closest friend.

Her behaviour isn't normal for her and yes I was pissed that after she said she wouldn't message my DH again that she has done just that.

I don't regret sending that message, it was more blunt than I would ever be. The only other time I've been that blunt Mary and I had cross words but we worked through it.

Maybe we won't be able to resolve things this time, I don't know but Mary has asked if she can call me later and I've said yes so I guess we will see then. I do know I'm measured enough not to go in guns blazing and I don't think she will either, I don't want a big dramatic argument, I don't want an argument at all but she has made me uncomfortable and I think now I've said it the discussion about it will happen.

Op, I’m not saying I’d not have reacted like that, but I’m fiery, however I have no friends who I perceive would try to steal my husband even in my wildest dreams. I trust them implicitly as I do my husband, In fact they’d have to be stripping naked and writhing on his lap and I’d still struggle to believe that was their intention.

However you do have a friend you believe that of. And with very very little evidence. Let’s face it.

It’s great she wants to talk to you. I imagine she knows you well and is sitting thinking “god she’s got the wrong end of the stick, I’d not go near him with hers, never mind mine, but she’s obvs very insecure, jealous and possessive at the moment so let’s see if I can fix it, I didn’t realise what she was feeling”

@Bluntness100 I don't want you to feel like there's an attempt to bully you off my thread. I don't agree with everything you have said but also I don't disagree with it all either, I value the fact people have different opinions and that's why I can here to post

I'm all for balance as well, but I think this one is cut and dry. It couldn't be more onvious that Mary's peaked interest had nothing to do with getting the op the perfect Christmas present

Is she the type to talk over you on the phone, and you come away frustrated you can't make your points without interruption?

Op, thanks. I don’t know if you’re right or wrong, but foe a very long term friendship I’m struggling to believe that your friend was so overcome with lust on seeing your husband that she would throw your relationship away to have a crack at him. If that’s the case she was never your friend.

If you couple it in with your current levels of insecurity in your relationship I’m wondering if maybe you’ve misread it. And if you have only acted as you have because of folks on here egging you on and your husbands dislike of her.

Bluntness you’ve accused others on the thread of having an overactive imagination and then you post about Mary sitting there thinking that OP is “obviously very insecure, jealous and possessive at the moment”. Contradictory much?

Give it a rest Bluntness. OP comes across as very measured in her responses. You appear to be bullying OP. It's not a good look.

@Rollergirl11

Bluntness you’ve accused others on the thread of having an overactive imagination and then you post about Mary sitting there thinking that OP is “obviously very insecure, jealous and possessive at the moment”. Contradictory much?

Well no because rhe op said she is those things due to her weight.

And even if it was then at least I’m trying to give the opportunity to think this through and not jump to think the worst of her friend and end the relationship.

So even AFTER you asked her to direct her messages to you... she STILL contacted your DH ...

she's a piece of work...

Good on you OP 🎉 nip that crap right in the bud and stamp on it hard ⭐️

Sadly, there are many types of friends. There are those that we can trust without question. There are others that show that we can't.

Glad you took a stand, op. All Mary had to do was stop going on about your husband and stop contacting him. If wasn't a big ask when she had no problem having nothing to do with him when he was overweight.

If you had asked me before this I would have said I trust Mary 100%, so perhaps I should have more faith in my friend.

I don't believe that she will talk over me on the phone. We've had disagreements in the past that have been resolved easily and one big one that very nearly ended the friendship then but we pulled through that one with a lot of work on both parts to repair what had been broken so I'm prepared for us to at least have this conversation and see what we both have to say and how we feel after it

I often find myself in agreement with a lot of bluntness' posts, but I'm afraid not on this occasion . Mary, by the op's own admission has a bit of a patchy record in the friendship stakes. Op may well be feeling unhappy about her weight, that does not necessarily turn her into a quivering insecure mess, and suggestions that it does are a bit off. She knows Mary well, so can probably spot easily a change in behaviour, (messaging op's DH when she hadn't done so in the past 15 years, and again when asked not to for example)

That's good OP. I hope this can all be resolved for you this evening.

@Mydogmylife

I often find myself in agreement with a lot of bluntness' posts, but I'm afraid not on this occasion . Mary, by the op's own admission has a bit of a patchy record in the friendship stakes. Op may well be feeling unhappy about her weight, that does not necessarily turn her into a quivering insecure mess, and suggestions that it does are a bit off. She knows Mary well, so can probably spot easily a change in behaviour, (messaging op's DH when she hadn't done so in the past 15 years, and again when asked not to for example)

I’m not sure this is fair. The op said she was feeling insecure snce her husband lost weight and was unsure if that was behind her view point.

She aloo said Mary had been a good friend to her, and she used Mary as a shoulder to cry on when her relationship was bad, which intensified the issues Mary had with her husband. Because rhe op was telling her all about it and crying to her about it.

As the ops relationship with her husband has improved, albeit she is becoming more insecure. Mary has softened towards the husband.

This is the reason I’ve tried to remain neutral. The op has fully stated she is struggling with insecurity and self esteem issues, and that part of the reason Mary didn’t interact with her husband before was because the op cried so much to her about him.

The husband dislikes Mary and feels she’s not a good friend. But nothing the op has stated would say his view here is accurate. He just doesn’t like her.
Possibly because Mary knows. Knows how he was treating the op.

So no,I don’t think it’s fair and I think this is much more complex than Mary is some horny bitch after rhe ops husband.

Some posters love to gaslight women. Every wife is jealous, insecure, controlling and imagining things no matter what the situation or how blatent the inappropriate behaviour.

They're either looking for an excuse to justify their denial over their own cheating husbands who do it in front of them and want everybody else to be doormats too or they're the bunny boiler that will chase every man going and get offended when called up on it.

It's going to have to be put off until tomorrow. Mary's been drinking and what started ok if a little bit awkward descended into the familiar conversation of how it's my fault that Mary and her ex didn't get back together that if she hadn't chosen me she would be married with children to him and she will never forgive me for making her choose and no real friend would ever do that.

We didn't make much of an inroads into DH her first words were "I almost replied to tell you to go fuck yourself" but she went on to say she has read back our messages since we did the activity and yes she has spoken about DH a lot and about how he looks and admitted that she was really shocked when she saw him as he didn't look like DH and was shocked that she found him attractive when she hadn't previously. That she hadn't meant to talk about him like she did or as much and hadn't realised she did it until my message and the last thing she wanted was to make me uncomfortable. She would never ever make a move on DH and she knows he wouldn't be interested. That I had embarrassed her with that message and she wishes I had brought it up sooner.

We didn't get into social media and the messages to DH as I made the fatal mistake of saying I'm sure she didn't mean to make me uncomfortable and that if the role were reversed and I'd been like that when she was with EX that she would have been uncomfortable.

My fault completely as I know the mention of EX especially when Mary has had something to drink opens a pandoras box and it did.

I didn't want to argue with her so told her we would continue talking tomorrow sober. I don't think she's drunk but she has definitely had something to drink and the combination of this topic and Mary's EX with alcohol thrown in is like waiting for a grenade to go off.

I don't think I want to continue this conversation over the phone so will suggest that we go get a socially distanced coffee together and I'll leave DH at home to watch DC.

I'm drained and opening a bottle of wine to have whilst watching The Crown wishing today just didn't happen

She Actually told you she is physically attracted to your husband?

Ok then the other posters were right, and I was wrong

That is weird as fuck. Hands up, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but if she literally told you she fancied him then I eat my words.

And now given the opportunity, she's turned it on you... People treat you how you let them. You're going to end up the bad guy in this. That's on you.

@Bluntness100 I can't explain the messages but I do genuinely think she wasn't trying to make a move and was caught by surprise by DH's change.

He hasn't just lost weight, he's worked out so now has a more sporty physique which he didn't have before, he's changed his hairstyle (hiding his bald spots), wears more fitted and trendy clothes (no just usual jogging bottoms) and has decided to go from clean shave to more rugged, he's almost unrecognisable from photos of himself previously. Until this change he's always been clean shave and had the same hair style since I met him. The changes in him make him look his actual age whereas previously he looked older and admittedly he didn't take care of himself.

His own sister didn't recognise him when we first saw her after the first lockdown ended but yes I was really taken back when Mary admitted it and I got the real sense that she was mortified

Jesus, I'm sorry. She found him attractive, then had a complete change in behaviour trying to connect with him, and instead of apologising, she's turned it around on you - making it about her ex.

Ugh.

This is not a healthy friendship, if she's resentful of you about something that happened AGES ago and was clearly not your fault. And that must have triggered resentment seeing your DH looking attractive, knowing you worked through your issues. She couldn't with hers.

When you do talk again, you need to not let it me her berating you about her ex. And get her to explain why she suddenly feels the need to contact DH repeatedly for the first tone since fancying him. Don't let her deflect.

*need to let it NOT be

Well this has taken a bit of a turn hasn’t it? Mary is obviously carrying quite a lot of resentment against you. I wonder if now might be the time for you to take a step back from the friendship and get a bit of space?

Truthfully, what are you getting from this?

@ReneeRol we've had this conversation a thousand times about her ex and I won't apologise for the things I've said about that piece of shit.

He was an abusive arsehole who chipped away at her over the years until she was a shell, he cheated on her was emotionally abusive and a habitual drug user. She lost every friend one by one until I was last man standing.

He hated me and I hated him just as much back. I spent hours picking her up off the floor in tears but and tried to build her confidence for him to knock her back down again and she would always go back. I twice helped her move out of their shared home when she found drugs or cheated.

When HE finally left her and ghosted her I was there for her but our friendship was strained on a knife edge and when she considered going back to him again I told her if she did I couldn't be there for her I couldn't watch him destroy her further but that I would always be there for her if she ever did leave. She took that as an ultimatum. It wasn't meant to be and she didn't go back.

I stand by what I said to her and I'd do it all again