Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

OP...I think the problem is, you've accepted her displaying her dislike of your DH all these years...so she thinks you're a pushover.

She feels safe to treat you anyhow....she thinks she's better than you and you have the life she wants for herself...not with your DH....but here you are, husband, children and she wonders how...to top it all, your DH is looking attractive and it brings all her feelings to the surface.

I would not have any friend who says negative things about my DH.

You're very compassionate and kind...that's evident from the way you're still sort of defending her, after her craziness and blaming you for her relationship failure with the abuser.

It's very sad, because whilst you have low self esteem which she takes advantage of...she does too...except she hides it. Or tries to anyway.

The energy you give to Mary is mind blowing. If I were you I'd try to get to the bottom of why you think it's reasonable to spend so much energy on her. I don't think it's normal or healthy

Tell her to go and fuck herself! After your update, I wouldn't be bothering with her.

I think you think a lot more of Mary than she does of you. No true friend would show interest in your husband after actively disliking him for many years. She is definitely jealous off what you have got and she wants it. It's betrayal and unforgivable in my book.

Op, I think you've been a lovely friend to mary for a long time.
If you do meet her, do it with your head held high and stand your ground.

I also wanted to say I admire @Bluntness100 on this thread.... pretty much a lone voice, defending and justifying her posts and then admitting she was wrong. I think all of those things are brave.

@greenspacesoverthere

The energy you give to Mary is mind blowing. If I were you I'd try to get to the bottom of why you think it's reasonable to spend so much energy on her. I don't think it's normal or healthy

I do think you have given Mary a vast amount of emotional support and investment over the years. I understand why, as she was living with an abuser - but she's used that as a stick to beat you with.

You need to put a firm stop to that. She had agency in leaving him for the final time. You didn't kidnap her away from her abuser.

We all need to stop saying Mary.

She will do.

Mary,mary,mary

Mary actually sounds rather narcissistic to be honest. If she is then you will never have a healthy, happy friendship with her. Everything will always be geared up to her manipulating you and you doing what she wants and reflecting back to her what she wants/needs to see. She has singled you out as the person who takes all of her shit time and time again. Your relationship is not equal. What does she give you, OP? Other than drama and heartache?

The energy you give to Mary is mind blowing. If I were you I'd try to get to the bottom of why you think it's reasonable to spend so much energy on her. I don't think it's normal or health

She didn't really.. but as Mary is the woman suddenly showing interest in OP's husband.. I do wonder what 'energy' do you suppose OP give and to whom exactly 🤔

You sound like you've been a really good friend to M, for what it's worth you still are by not letting her push you like this.

But it's time to start being a really good friend to yourself instead. You've been incredibly calm and measured throughout this, I'd love to have more friends like you!

So she messed up on getting stuck with an abuser, (been there done that) and she’s spent years running your dh down (and probably you)

And she’s now suffered due to Covid/lockdown etc and lost it to the point that she’s justified making a very clumsy and obvious move for your DH. She’s convinced herself that he’ll be no loss to you, and convinced herself that you wouldn’t react.

For whatever reason, she is not a friend and won’t be again.

Shame, but she did this. She’s a bitter and jealous person and prepared to act on it. That’s not someone you wAnt in your life.

One thing that I would note is that a few of my friends have married men that I wouldn't particularly care for, but as we don't do couples nights it's not an issue.
They also at times might make a "🙄"remark about them.

However, I wouldn't dream of making critical remarks about them, AND there is NO WAY I would tolerate any of my friends criticising MY husband.
The only person who is allowed critical analysis of MY HUSBAND is ME.😁

I would think it very disloyal to allow my friends to make little digs at him.
They would be told to keep their opinions to their selves.
Mary being allowed to criticise your DH gave her a weird dynamic in your marriage.

Far too over familiar IMO.

Dare say @BananasAreEvil1, you’ve had a bit of an Education over the last week of so. :(

Think a few of us have learned a lot too.

let's call her Mary.

Because it's so difficult for people to follow without tagging on a ridiculous name?

This all sounds like a ridiculous amount of drama for a very petty situation. Too reactionary over literally low-key situation.

Not worth wasting headspace on.

Oh and another one.

Mn is full of em today. It’s not even half term.

@Nymeriastark1 that's a bit of a combination answer. I've had self esteem issues for years since I became overweight due to a medical condition and haven't been able to lose it due to said medical condition, Mary is aware of this. However she isn't aware that it's gotten worse or that DH getting into shape is part of a number of reasons why it's gotten worse.

@billy1966 Mary has always been asked to stop if she has ever criticised DH and asked not stop speak about him in that way. I was always very clear even when we were having martial issues that it wasn't all DH fault and there hasn't been some big infraction from him, he wasn't/isn't abusive or aggressive if anything a bit too laid back, there was no cheating or control or anything of the sort.

Mary will point to our marital issues as the reason she dislikes DH but the truth is she's never liked him from the moment I introduced them. She couldn't tell me the reason why, there was nothing he had said or done that she could point to it was always she wasn't keen on him.

I haven't slept very well and spent a large portion of the night crying to DH that our friendship is in tatters. I wish I could wipe out the last few weeks and never did X activity.

I haven't heard from Mary this morning and I haven't messaged her but I don't think I want to speak to her today. I'd prefer to wait a few days until things feel less raw. I appreciate her honesty but I don't appreciate her blaming me yet again about her Ex particularly when the situation had nothing to do with her or Ex

It’s deflection @BananasAreEvil1

She’s trying to throw the blame elsewhere

I agree, let things drop a little, let dust settle.

Listen to what everyone saying on here she isn't a friend. Get rid.

Oh god, she's taking up far too much of your headspace and energy as a pp said.

Your friendship has run it's course and she's sounding bitter.
Don't let her grind you down.
Trust your instincts and faze her out, I can see this can of worms has just started to spill.
I just think you'll end up hurt.

Have you spoken to her this morning @BananasAreEvil1?

@SparklyGlitter95 not really, I've sent a message to say I'd like to leave it a few days and give us some space before we speak but I haven't had a reply. I'm not sure that she will reply.

I'm busying myself shortly making salt dough shapes with DC to put on the Christmas tree when it goes up and putting off the tidying up I should actually be doing

I'm glad you write that you stood up for your husband, but she has continued to reference not being keen on him.

Not nice.

You don't need to know her opinion of your husband.
Her referencing your problems too is very off.
I certainly wouldn't be confiding in someone who reminded me of past remarks I'd made.
Petty irritation is an occasional factor of a lot of marriages and very normal.
It strikes me as very off that she likes to refer back to them.
Again NO friend and certainly not one I would be sharing MY thoughts with.

I hooe you feel better soon OP.

@billy1966 what you have written is actually a big part of why I stopped confiding in her after that. I felt that it was brought up a lot, she didn't want to hear when things were good and would refer back to the past.

DH and I have been in a really good place for the past almost 3 years so but she doesn't know the ins and outs as I felt guilty like I was rubbing her nose in it if I mentioned we were happy or going on holiday or a weekend away etc, I was reminded that she didn't have a partner so I stopped all mention of my relationship other than the odd reference to DH such as DH is working late or DH has taken DC so I've got time to myself etc

I'd say she is surprised at your assertiveness at deciding to take some time out. I think it very strange she didn't like your husband for no tangible reason. I can't help but think she hated what he represented for you: happiness, security and a future.

I hope you take some time to think through everything people have said and reflect on this friendship.

As others have said call her out on it and embarrass her - its the only way. I dont think she’s much of a friend frankly