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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend and my DH

374 replies

BananasAreEvil1 · 17/11/2020 14:48

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 21/11/2020 15:58

It sounds like there is an awful lot about your life that you feel you can’t share or talk about with Mary for one reason or another. So I ask you gently, as it seems your DH has also in the past, what do YOU get out of your friendship with her? We all know what Mary gets from being your friend but I can’t see what’s in it for you. I have a feeling you stay in this friendship out of misplaced loyalty, habit and sentimentality.

doubledeckersarethebest · 21/11/2020 18:32

You're a nice person OP, Mary is not.

Thehop · 21/11/2020 19:04

You sound like a really lovely person and a good friend, OP.

TheLoveOfMoney · 21/11/2020 19:07

I had a friend like this. She drained the life out of me in the end. Felt like I had to be her personal cheerleader and wouldn't hear from her while life was great but got called on the second it went South. She used to take great pleasure in lecturing me on my faults, think it made her feel better. If I made any self improvements she hated it. I cut her off 4 years ago and feel so much better for it. Friends are those you should feel totally yourself with and lift you up, not bring you down.

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 22/11/2020 10:16

Thank you for your kind comments I don't feel much like a nice person or friend at the moment. I haven't heard from Mary and haven't contacted her since my message yesterday asking to give it some space.

Truth be told I don't think I will hear from her unless I make the first move.

@Rollergirl11 that's an interesting question and one I've been having a think about. I'm not really sure what I've been getting out of it. It's not been the equal friendship I thought it was with hindsight

OP posts:
YouKnowWhoo · 22/11/2020 10:30

Poor Mary. She’s been vilified by you and this reinforced by your husband. She did nothing wrong! She started making an effort with your DH, after her there for you when you were almost divorcing, she probably felt quite cool towards him for some time.

Now it’s a nit pick through Mary’s actions such as ‘:she asks after the kids but doesn’t meet them in soft play’ type charges - hardly crimes of the century.

Poor Mary. I would say she is livid and feeling betrayed by one of her closest friends.

ReneeRol · 22/11/2020 10:32

@YouKnowWhoo

Poor Mary. She’s been vilified by you and this reinforced by your husband. She did nothing wrong! She started making an effort with your DH, after her there for you when you were almost divorcing, she probably felt quite cool towards him for some time.

Now it’s a nit pick through Mary’s actions such as ‘:she asks after the kids but doesn’t meet them in soft play’ type charges - hardly crimes of the century.

Poor Mary. I would say she is livid and feeling betrayed by one of her closest friends.

Looks like Mary's joined the discussion!! 😂
BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 10:40

Poor Mary. I would say she is livid and feeling betrayed by one of her closest friends.

Yes 🤔 chasing your mates husband can cause that reaction .. 🙄

YouKnowWhoo · 22/11/2020 10:47

She isn’t “chasing” the husband! She said he was looking well - ohh definitely reason to lock and throw away the key!

Good lord. Drama lama ensemble here.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 11:16

She isn’t “chasing” the husband! She said he was looking well - ohh definitely reason to lock and throw away the key!

Good lord. Drama lama ensemble here.

I think you forgot to read the actual Thread... 🤔

walksonthebeach · 22/11/2020 11:29

[quote Periclement43]@Bluntness100 ... Mary, is that you??? Hmm[/quote]
😂

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 22/11/2020 11:32

@YouKnowWhoo whilst I'm not saying she has been chasing my DH, it's a bit more than saying he looked well which she has admitted to herself during our last conversation.

I've wanted to avoid drama throughout this, yes I lost my temper when I messaged her but I didn't want drama

OP posts:
YouKnowWhoo · 22/11/2020 11:57

OP, don’t get goaded down the wrong path just because the mumsnet majority behind you. There is the possibility that your insecurities (which we all have, especially now with lockdown) are driving this theory that she is after your husband.

I didn’t post an opposite opinion to be argumentative. I just read the whole thread and can see how this all ran away down a rabbit hole...

And it is dramatic now even though you really didn’t intend on that. I’m not having a go OP. From my outsider perspective- which is the exact same as every other posters position - we are just reading it over the internet -don’t get fanned up by hype on here. It’s your life, not a soap for people to goad you on.

Good luck.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 12:14

Nobody is hyping up or goading OP ... what a pity the opinions and advice OP asked for.. have been interpreted as goady and hyped ...

Ultimately OP has asked for advice and received it ...

YouKnowWhoo · 22/11/2020 12:33

... and my advice differs from yours.

Not getting into a spat online. Over and out.

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 12:45

... and my advice differs from yours.

No...

your advice ... by your own admission... differs from almost everyone else's... including OP's gut feeling....

Spat away .. by yourself... it doesn't change anything

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 07/12/2020 23:45

I've been debating if I should update or not, mainly out of embarrassment I've avoided it. Despite the advice on here and my better judgement I gave our friendship another chance. We talked and although Mary made me uncomfortable by admitting that her messaging DH was seeking an attention boost I tried to go back to how it was before.

I should have run the opposite direction at that point but ended up feeling sorry for her as she seemed genuinely remorseful and embarrassed.

It didn't last long, a mutual friend contacted to ask me if I was ok as she had heard from Mary that marriage was in trouble, that I was threatened by Mary as DH was attracted to her and I was worried that he was going to leave me for Mary.

Furthermore Mary told mutual friend that she had messaged DH as a bit of a laugh after there was "clear chemistry" between them to see what he would say, she didn't think she had over stepped the mark and hadn't said anything inappropriate and that even if he had replied she saw nothing wrong with harmless flirty banter and that I was just paranoid because I was now "punching above my weight" and that as I was her friend she would have told me if he said anything inappropriate to show me his true colours.

Whilst Mary hasn't admitted this she hasn't exactly denied it either and has tried to portray it as doing me a favour in some sort of sick honey trap way.

The friendship is now dead and buried, I've had to block Mary due to the various pleading messages which has gone down like a lead balloon.

I should have listened to the posters warnings on here and to my gut, so finally I wanted to say thank you for the support and advice I've learned a harsh lesson.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 07/12/2020 23:50

mary is utterly stupid as good friends are hard to find. Onwards and upwards op!

TwentyViginti · 07/12/2020 23:51

I'm sorry this has escalated OP, but at least now you know how poisonous Mary is. Does your DH know what she's been saying? All that 'chemistry' stuff?

Has she contacted him again?

Honeyroar · 07/12/2020 23:53

Crikey. She seemed to turn into a fully fledged nutter overnight, didn’t she!

Onesipmore · 07/12/2020 23:59

Did your DH tell you that Mary had sent him a flirtatious text? Or did that come out via the other friend?

Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 07/12/2020 23:59

@TwentyViginti I haven't told DH what she has said as I'm pretty embarrassed by it. Its a low blow which hit me right in the gut if I'm honest. DH would be horrified.

I know it not to be true but it still hurt that my so called friend said it. I've been to embarrassed and upset to tell anyone quite frankly and feel embarrassed posting on here about what she has said.

DH blocked her on social media and she doesn't have his number so no contact from her. I don't think any of our mutual friends have his number only my sibling but I doubt Mary would ask them for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BananasAreEvil1 · 08/12/2020 00:01

@Onesipmore I don't think she has sent any flirty texts only the messages previously asking about a Christmas gift for me and then asking if she had upset me. DH blocked her after that.

I can't be 100% but I'm positive if there had been anymore contact DH would have told me right away

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 08/12/2020 00:04

I'm so sorry OP. But glad that you've now seen her for who she is & now never have to see her again.

TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 00:05

No need to feel embarrassed! you didn't cause this, and you've gone out of your way to give Mary a second chance.

She has done this dreadful rumour mongering because she's trying to save face after you told her you knew what she was up to.

I expect she thought you wouldn't find out about it.