Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

@Bluntness100
Yes fair enough, but even though Mary has been a shoulder to cry on when things weren't great sometimes this isn't always done with purely altruistic motives - and things aren't bad with the op and her husband currently.I get that it's all to easy to pile on and blame posters for stiring things up, but op's posts have been , I think, measured and calm. She knows Mary , and was uncomfortable with her behaviour and in particular to her DH. Mary didn't respect this by contacting DH again.

descended into the familiar conversation of how it's my fault that Mary and her ex didn't get back together that if she hadn't chosen me she would be married with children to him and she will never forgive me for making her choose and no real friend would ever do that.

sorry OP, I may have missed this bit. Is any of that at all true? If not that may be another notion to disabuse her of - blaming you for how her life has gone for the rest of time is Not OK.

Ah, x-posted - apologies. Sounds like you did her a favour!

This has cross posted with your updates op./bluntness

Sorry that your call went tits up, Mary has issues going on here, I hope you can get this ironed out the way you want - good luck

Oh my goodness, this is all very dark and complicated.

She is holding you responsible for her not having a family of her own. That is not on. You did not make her choose you, you made her choose herself. Really I don't think I could get past her harbouring that sort of rubbish. I'm saying that as someone who was in her shoes once. I never blamed my friends for ordering me to leave. That is just bizarre.

I seem to be reading the update about your husband differently to the rest of the posters. I thought she was just apologizing for all the remarks, saying the hadn't realised she had commented so much and giving a bit of context that she was genuinely very taken aback by his appearance. And her being attracted I construed as she's noticed he's hot - not that she was harbouring feelings. What impression did you get OP?

Regardless it really does sound like a friendship I would be dialling back on. She has a lot of problems and she is not facing up to them. If she was she would have worked on trying to figure out why she stayed in an abusive relationship instead of blaming you for making her end it.

And really given how messed up she is are you sure she wouldn't go down a you took my husband from me, I'll take yours?

descended into the familiar conversation of how it's my fault that Mary and her ex didn't get back together that if she hadn't chosen me she would be married with children to him and she will never forgive me for making her choose and no real friend would ever do that.

Good grief. She's probably always been jealous of your healthy and happy relationship but now she sees your hubby as hot she wasnt able to help herself and lost all sense of reason.

She sounds very messed up and pitiful.

@Isthisnothing I don't believe she has feelings for DH and Mary didn't suggest that she did just that she had found him attractive when she saw him that day when he dropped me off and that it had taken her by surprise, that she had never considered him attractive before and she was quite shocked by the change in his physical appearance

I suppose you then have to ask yourself if Mary had found your DH attractive from the start, how different would your friendship have been... how supportive of you would she have been when you were having problems...

Because atm, her first reaction on finding him attractive was to pay him more attention and attempt to have more contact with him. Crossing the boundary when she said she wouldn't reach out to him. Within the space of a few days/weeks. How would she have reacted to him before he became your DH, in the early days.

That is what you need to figure out. If your friendship with her has only survived because you've never previously had anything she envied. Only you can snare these questions, based on what you know of her.

I hope Mary wakes up extremely mortified tomorrow.

I think you need to end the friendship immediately. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but phoning you to blame you for her not having a family ans announcing she fancies your husband is just the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard.

Looks like you and your husband were right. Just block her now.

The posts I'm watching seem to be going completely hatstand tonight !

I don't know what to think of it to be honest, part of me just wants to tell her to forget tomorrow and the other part is genuinely hoping she's in a bad place and not thinking like she normally would.

She really struggled with her mental health during lockdown No1 to the point she was questioning everything about her life including her existence. I thought things had improved especially as she hasn't mentioned similar this time around.

She's lonely that's not a secret. She's envious of friends who have recently gotten engaged/married/ had babies and I don't know if she's acting a bit irrational because of that.

Regardless of what she says about the arsehole ex and it being my fault I know she doesn't mean it, she's turned her life around in the years he's been gone and has often said it wouldn't have happened if they were still together

You're making excuses for her. The only issue here is her manipulative, underhand behaviour. She's bringing up the ex as a distraction from her behaviour which revealed her disloyalty to you and malevolent intentions toward you and your family.

She saw, she liked, she tried to get, got rejected and now she's going to manipulate her way out of it by guilt tripping you.

Friends don't do that.

"She's lonely that's not a secret. She's envious of friends who have recently gotten engaged/married/ had babies and I don't know if she's acting a bit irrational because of that."

Me and one of my friends used to be friends with someone like that. Jealousy can bring out the worst in people, even people you consider friends. She was very clingy. Hated it when her friends got engaged, had children. When she wanted to make plans if any of us had plans with partners or husbands she would complain.

She concentrated her jealousy towards my other friend. Her and her partner were going through a rough patch. She turned to us for advice. The jealous friend tore my friend down. She constantly criticised my friends partner. Made out the rough patch was so much worse than it was and that she was better of without him. Made a big deal out of silly little things most of us go through. It was so obvious to everyone what she was trying to do. Bit different to your situation, I don't think she was attracted to my friends partner or wanted him in any way, just wanted my friend in the same position as her. It was quite sad really. People work in different ways. The 2 of us are no longer in contact with her. My friend got through the rough patch, they're still together.

Are we going to get to see your Husband OP.. even side on... ?

@BlueThistles he's really not that impressive. He's just an average bloke who decided to lose weight get fit and hide his bald spots the clothes I'll take credit for, he's had terrible taste in clothes from the moment we met and I've jumped at the chance to get him to smarten up.

I of course think he's a bit of alright but I always have, he certainly doesn't have women drooling over him that I'm aware of and he's definitely nowhere near the league of hotness of David Gandy

@BananasAreEvil1 I think you are giving her too much leeway, I honestly do.

It's not ok that she didn't "really mean" what she said, the fact she thinks it's something she can trot out when she's upset or that she believes on any level that you forced her to choose you over a husband and potential children is madness. She sounds unhinged.

I think it's ok she reflected on her reaction to your husband, admitted it and said she was embarrassed. But the fact she seemed oblivious to her changed behaviour - contacting him out of blue and even going to talk to him when she wouldn't before, she was probably not consciously pursuing him but gone a bit silly over him. It's weird if she didn't notice, worse if she did notice.

I remember once my friend brought her new boyfriend to visit my area and introduce us. I came and sat down in the local pub opposite them when I noticed how good-looking he was. With a start I became aware of the thought forming in my mind - 'i really must dash off and put lipstick on' and even worse realised I was tossing my hair and sitting up with particular attention to my posture. I gave myself an internal punch in the face and yelled silently "he's HER boyfriend, you fool, he doesn't care if you have lipstick on or not".

When my friend went to the bathroom with me a little while later to interrogate me on what I thought of her new man I confessed my inner dialogue and we both roared laughing at how ridiculous it all was - my temporary giddy insanity.

My point is the fact your friend seemed to be sleepwalking in her behaviour is bizarre.

I really would not talk it out with her anymore. I would significantly downgrade the intensity of the friendship, I would keep her well away from your husband and I would avoid the topic of her ex. In short I just wouldn't get into anything with her.

@Nymeriastark1 some of what you've written has touched a bit of a nerve and there's definite parallels I can draw

I agree with@Nymeriastark1, she doesn't particularly want your DH , although she's had a bit of a daft flutter over him. She wants what he represents and the life you have.

@BananasAreEvil1 is Mary aware of your self esteem issues your having atm? Perhaps that's why she's started this behaviour all of sudden. I do honestly I think this jealous friend we had took a step back, looked at all her friends relationships and thought right ..... who's the weakest and more likely to break. As cynical as it sounds I really do think that was the case.

Whats with the weird gaslighters on these threads? is it that they just dont want to openly acknowledge that a woman can behave that badly? because id be massively concerned about the judgement capabilities of anybody who thought Mary wasnt at it. And the suggestion that people are some sort of chauvinist to expect a friend to show them a bit of respect?

She is a piranha circling. Get her out of your life and his. And if she asks - tell her exactly why. Shame her for her behaviour

Let the friendship die, OP.

Red flag here!Yep she's after your husband.Get rid of her!

@user1471565182

Whats with the weird gaslighters on these threads? is it that they just dont want to openly acknowledge that a woman can behave that badly? because id be massively concerned about the judgement capabilities of anybody who thought Mary wasnt at it. And the suggestion that people are some sort of chauvinist to expect a friend to show them a bit of respect?

I know, they jump in accusing everybody of being insecure/jealous/controlling/imagining things regardless of the situation. It's their reflex.

They're projecting their own issues onto posters regardless of context. They're assuming the posters are stupid, deluded, deranged, insecure etc, which says a lot more about them.

Some of them are in denial of their own relationships and gaslight others as they are gaslight...

Others are the shit stirring bunny boilers who like to convince themselves that any recognition of or challenge to their disrespectful behaviour or intrusion is "insecurity, jealousy etc..." they're deluded.

Respect is the basis of any friendship or relationship. There's no trust without it. They don't get that.