I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

I had this sort of life when my children were young. One thing I did have though was my own bank account as well as the joint account. Every month my husband was happy to deposit a certain amount in to my account for me to spend as I wished meaning I didn’t have to account for hairdressers, clothes, makeup etc maybe that would help you a little bit?
Also make sure you do get to have some freedom to meet friends both daytime and also maybe a once a month girls night out.
In return it is only fair you do the majority of the household chores if your husband is working long hours. Try to organise things so there’s few household things to do at weekends so you both are relaxed and can enjoy family time together with the children.

Wow. I have two kids- I’m a teacher- working full time. No cleaner. I think you are living a charmed life to be honest. I too would expect dinner done if I was working till the early hours in the knowledge my partner had two days ‘off’ in the week.

I would say that is reasonable. I have a one year old, have just gone back to work. My DC is still up frequently every night, my husband has not once got up. I do all the laundry / emotional labour / groceries etc. I do 90% of childcare at weekends too, literally have no time for myself ever. Your situation sounds pretty nice to me!

Ive been a single parent since my son was a baby.
I worked almost full time and still had to cook dinner and keep the house clean and tidy.
Very rarely got a child free day as I worked when son was at his dads.
Some weeks I didnt get a child free minute other than the mad dash to the nursery after a 9 hour shift on my feet.
You are very lucky, learn to count your blessings.

Lucky you! My husband works 12 hours 5 days a week, I work part time and still have to run all the house single handedly, pay for childcare whilst I work and I still have to contribute and look after my child, husband and house. Your husband is right.

I do everything that you do plus work full time and pay all the bills myself. I think you've got a good deal. If you're not sure/happy why dont you ask your husband to take a career break so that you can swap (providing an employer makes reasonable adjustments for your health needs)?

I’m a SAHM and ex teacher too @Amimissingsomethinghere. After DD I returned to work as a teaching assistant, and if was FAR less stressful than teaching. The school would ask me to do supply work or cover for sickness as a teacher too - so I’d get paid extra on these days - and I was regularly asked. Again FAR less stressful than teaching as no planning, assessments, parents evenings, reports. I had DS over a year ago, and haven’t returned to work. I think on paper, it also looks like ‘I have it easy’ (I do all the nights etc), but I feel resentful. I think - find a job you can manage, enjoy - and that you can balance well with your home life. A teaching qualification is so valuable to mix with looking after your DS, as you get holidays etc. You can be a bit creative with it, and look into areas you haven’t previously considered e.g. a teacher friend of mine now supports SEND children 1:1 and loves it.

@Needingsupportplease

Lucky you! My husband works 12 hours 5 days a week, I work part time and still have to run all the house single handedly, pay for childcare whilst I work and I still have to contribute and look after my child, husband and house. Your husband is right.

Why are YOU paying for childcare from a part time wage when he's also working so also unable to look after his child?

You are very lucky to be so privileged, but to be entitled is a very ugly trait.

So your husband is working all the hours God sends and you don't have a job to contribute financially. You have a cleaner and your child attends nursery for two full days a week. And you're asking if it's fair or balanced that you do the 'housework' and get things 'done'? Well I think it's the least you can do. You're happy to spend the money he earns so why wouldn't you want to do something to pull your weight!? If he is working incredibly long hours why shouldn't you be the one to get up at night to sort out your child... You aren't working so what's the problem? I think you should count your blessings and be thankful for the privileged life you lead. I bet there are some ladies on here who would love to have child-free days, a cleaner and enough money for luxuries rather than living from payday to payday!

I am looking forward to returning to work, I’m going to SAHM until Covid situation improves. I would never return as a full time teacher, but I make a great TA and I enjoy it - getting out the house, talking to adults, having an identity again - and feeling appreciated! I’m just ‘expected’ to take on the dirty washing, dishes, screams in the night...

I don’t think you’re entitled OP - it’s a pretty monotonous existence. I can’t wait to get back to some part time work.

All sounds pretty fair. His work means you get this lifestyle and he needs your stability and home life to do what he does. Don’t worry about it, if you’re lucky enough to have this life make the most of it..and don’t worry if people make snide comments about you not working.

Is this a wind up or a stealth boast?

Some of you live miserable lives. A lot of you should be asking yourselves the questions the OP is asking.

You’re entitled to some guilt free time to yourself! And you also need it. So don’t worry and make some time just for you as well.

Just read your late posts OP, I’m sorry you had a difficult pregnancy and have suffered mental health issues. It does sound like doing some kind of work would be good for your self esteem. It looks like there’s been some helpful suggestions from PP. Lots of luck and hopefully some of the responses here haven’t made you feel worse.

Just wondering how 8 days of childcare a month works out at £700 . If he’s bringing in the money and you’re being the housewife I think most wouldn’t complain, apart from the words expects this ? My ex worked full time whilst I was doing a degree and looking after our young child. I do agree with there being a bit of a problem. My husband thought he should be the one to have lie ins in a sat and Sunday as it was his days off, but as he was a teacher he also had the lie ins every school holiday and the days he took off pretending he was ill cos he couldn’t be arsed going, so in the last 10 years I never had a lie in. Have a bit of a problem with the ‘expects you ‘ etc. It’s not the 60’s. And if you looked after your kid for 2 days a week if you can you could save a lot.

You are very lucky, your husband works his nuts off as you say very late at times, it is balanced, you have it easy and should be grateful for your lot!

@amimissingsomethinghere I am curious about what your DH salary is? If it's the same as mine then I'm tempted to swap my job and have your kind of life style! My DH earns about £70k so thinking maybe not enough. You have an awesome life!

@Amimissingsomethinghere if I were you I'd find something I wanted to do as a career and retrain over then next few years. Volunteering is nice but it'll be a dead end unless you want to go into something related and it won't resolve your fears about work.

I do understand, I've stoped work a few times, 2 maternity leaves and another 18 month gap and I've convinced myself I'll never be able to contribute or get another job every time I've gone back.

Your main issue is your lack of big picture self worth, and that is directly related to feeling teaching is a bust and you don't have another career plan. So however painful it is, fix that. Anxiety is easier to manage if you find something you believe in to do.

I actually find it quite depressing how many people here think OP is living a dream life. Living aside the fact that it's making her miserable, is it really that surprising that being a bored housewife isn't all that great? Am I the only one who's read any Betty Friedan?!

I'd bloody love 2 days off a week! With that time I could start up my own business that I've been dreaming about for a while...I've started but it takes time.
Sorry OP I don't understand what are you doing with your time? And when does your husband get two days off? Unless he doesn't do anything at the weekend?
What would I do:
Read, take courses ...skillshare is a great start, start a hobby, exercise.

I’m a SAHM and you’ve described my life there (albeit I developed a chronic illness a few years back so now cannot really work although I’d like to as I loved my career). The rest sounds like me / us and I think it’s great 🙌