I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

At twenty I have two DC under 4 my choice , a stay at home mum, but did take a part time evening job for extra money when baby was around 1 year, no cleaner no nurseries , I think you have it all.

If I were you I would try and think about your life in 10 years time. Would you like to be doing something work wise when your child is older? Would it be good if you did some volunteering on one of your free days off so that if/when you go back you have something to say you did as well as being a SAHM (which is fine btw - I was one!). Perhaps something you are interested in - nursery committee, charity shop etc. Then think about doing something really nice for you every week for you on the other day - not necessarily a whole day, but just something so you can switch off from home life for a bit eg regular classes or learn a new skill. I think you will feel you have achieved something with this time as well then. Good luck!

I have two DC, 8 and 12. Work 5 days a week 9:30-2:30 so I can drop off and pick up the youngest. Hubby has a well paid stressful job, leaves at 7:45am and joke around 6:30pm, we also have a dog whom I walk at 6am every work morning for an hour. I do all the housework, all the cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing. I manage and am quite chilled about it. I don’t mind as his financial contribution is far greater than mind plus is job is far more stressful and he’s a shit home maker! Tbh you sound incredibly privileged!!

Pipnchops mentioned an important concept, that of the ‘team’. If this set up works for you both, great, however, something made you start this thread, possibly a niggle that you’re not too keen on your role in the team, maybe you feel both guilty for having it easy and yet cross because you think somehow you’ve still got the shitty end of the stick. Hey ho, welcome to life. It’s in your power to change the roles you play, but that will probably need you to shift from the ‘don’t want to work’ stance, Btw, I’d get rid of the cleaner so my contribution was more significant, or setup a home-based business, there are ways to balance things differently.

Wow. To be able to spend £700 a month on nursery when you're actually at home, plus a cleaner, spare cash for holidays and dinners out, a husband who is happy to work into the early hours to afford all of this, you are so lucky. Seriously. What on earth are you whingeing about?!

You sound like you need to do something apart from look after a small child and run a home. Some people find it fulfilling, but for some it’s really dull. What about volunteering? I did lots of volunteering when my daughter first went to school and I really enjoyed it. It’s also a good way to get back out into the world but without the pressure of a job.

Wow. If only. I do everything in our house. I work 4 days a week. The day ‘off’ I have with my 2.5 year old. The weekend is all of us together. I do not have a cleaner. I sort, clean, tidy, make meals for everyone every day. I would love two child free, work free days a week. That would be amazing. Enjoy it!!

If your exhausted perhaps use your time a little better batch cook while your child is looked after try and set up a cleaning routine for days you don’t have a cleaner to keep on top of things. Clear out things get rid I have done this a lot over the lockdowns and by doing this there is less to maintain then find yourself something to do with the time it frees up . If you don’t want to teach again can you tutor or do you just not want to work full stop . Personally even being a sahm I’ve always had some income coming in from somewhere I just have always never liked the idea of being beholden to my husband . This is just me 😊

If your husband leaves you, you’re fucked. I think is reasonable that you do everything at home if he is working into the middle of the night. You should use that nursery time to relax a bit though. It does sound like you’re bored though.

You are paying for childcare you don't actually need.

You have a cleaner.

You are a qualified teacher who doesn't want to teach and doesn't really want any job really.

You say you don't have a lot of money left at the end of the month but you have all of the above and go out for meals and have holidays...... what else do you need?

By your own admission you don't know what you want but you have all this and still aren't happy.

I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just simplifying your post in the hope you can see the full ridiculousness of your mindset.

You have a difficult pregnancy, fine but that doesn't explain this post. Without getting a live in au pair to absolve you of any further responsibility I'm not sure what the answer is?

You need to set aside your anxiety and guilt for 5 minutes and really look at what would make you beyond happy.... what do you really want but are afraid to acknowledge/say out loud?

Are you happy being a wife/mother? That's the best place to start and go from there.

It sounds like you have a fantastic life. Your son is only 2.5. Why is he in nursery school when you are at home? Why do you have a cleaner when you are at home? You could save money right there. But I digress. I too, am a stay at home mom. I am the cleaner. My kids did not go to school until they were four. Preschool. I take care of the house, the cooking, etc. I cringed just reading your post. I could use a few days off. Maybe you could send your cleaning person to my house.

If ever you feel stressed or anxious, perhaps just think how your husband feels knowing he is completely and solely responsible for keeping all of you afloat financially. If ever that rug should be pulled.......

If I was unemployed like you, I'd like to think that thought kept me going and put my life into perspective.

I’d have your easy life any day. We’re you spoilt as a child. So he works his nuts off and you still have a cleaner. Omg wake up and smell the coffee.

There's an awful lot of "I want" and "I don't want" in your posts.

Frankly, there's a lot of "I".

I think you have too much time and support to think about yourself, and you're dwelling. You only have one child, your difficult pregnancy was over 2 years ago, you have a cleaner, you have no work and just a house to look after. There is plenty of time in your life to do something else. You're at a loss, aimless. This is what comfortably-off Stepford Wives in the 1950s would have felt like. You need to do something meaningful and purposeful (to you). Snap out of it.

You have it good and your DH sounds very reasonable. Don't moan.

I am in your position, well very similar. I feel very lucky (ie partner earns enough for me to not work... but I had to give up work when we moved for his job, and then another plan has been put on hold due to Covid, so I didn’t choose it) but I’m not happy - I’m not a great housewife so gives me little satisfaction and I feel guilty, all the time, for wasting time, even though housework is churned through. I believe that if you are in a functioning unit, then the parents split the total jobs as equally as possibly, but not each job equally. Ie... yes, you should do most of the early mornings with your child, and most of the housework, childcare, food planning, etc during the week. But DH should shift his activities to do 50% of child/house stuff at the weekend. Also, seconding what someone earlier said, allow yourself some down time when DC at nursery, and allow DH time off for sports/sleeping/friends when he’s not at work.

My God! You are extremely privileged and one lucky lady. Your husband is providing for you and DC, you have a bloody cleaner, plus two child free days a week. Have some gratitude.

I agree with your husband really. In fact I think you're very lucky.
One of my staff has children a bit older than yours, so in full time school, but she manages to combine running a home and doing almost everything for her kids, with a full time job. The only two days a week she has off is the weekend, and that is spent catching up with the kids and housework.
I'm sure she would swap places with you in a heartbeat.

as a SAHM mum, I would say the finances are both of yours. You are in a partnership. You both handle different aspects of your lives. On your days off, actually take time to sit and watch tv or care for yourself. Don't let this guilt and anxiety make you think you cannot do it. With lockdown it is difficult, but I think at women we try to be superwomen and not take time to really care for ourselves. You are blessed to have this time so use it. Not just to cook and clean but care for you. I think the health issues take time. It took me 5 years to get through the anxiety and issues that came from the birth of my children. Once you take care of yourself, you will find you have more space to look at work.

@Amimissingsomethinghere and sort his wardrobe what does this mean?? Why does his wardrobe need looking after?

Honestly I think if you have 1 DC who's in nursery 2 days and you don't work then yes, the housework etc that needs doing should reasonably be done within your hours and then anything that cannot be done is shared.

If you're scrubbing the grouting whilst he's sitting chilling and the washing up is piled up waiting for you then there's an issue, bit out doesn't sound like that.

What would you like daily life to actually look like op?

Hi @Amimissingsomethinghere,

No-one can judge their life by that of another imho. If you are feeling worn out then that matters. Each of us is affected by different stresses and strains and if you have anxiety, this is a sign something is out of balance. Just because others appear to 'do' more does not mean that you are not doing enough. I'm assuming your 'two days off' a week are not in addition to a weekend? In which case it sounds like you need to find some self-care things to do for some of the child free time you have. You can't endlessly give if you are not replenishing yourself.

Even if you just start with a few minutes guided meditation a day, or a few minutes watching a TV show you love, reading a book, whatever. Just make sure you have a little time replenishing you, then you will be able to give more to your family.

You may also want to get some therapy for the anxiety so it doesn't become more generalised. There are loads of different therapies and approaches out there that can help. As a therapist myself, I know it is better to nip these things in the bud!!

Take care, do self-care, be kind to yourself too.

xxK

Single mum. 3 children (1 disabled). Work 3 days a week year round (shifts). Care for aged parents.

I think your life sounds idyllic tbh but when your DC turns 3 they will get free funded childcare. That would mean you could get rid of the cleaner, have more money from no childcare bill too and still have time for housework and yourself.

Or maybe you could find term time only work in less stressful job (the golden ticket) and still have something to help you be you not just mummy and Wife.

Good luck

I have been with my DH 30 + years and what we have realised is that at different times, and yet as a team, we stepped up to different responsibilities
I was a SAHM amd studying for an MSc (technically he paid for it, but its always been OUR money) when the children were very young and he had a lucrative job, but then he got made redundant and became a SAHD while I pursued a career.

When the kids went to school he embarked on a new NHS career which has shit pay and horrific shift patterns, but is a vocation.

The kids did breakfast and afterschool clubs and we shared the school runs.

Now the kids have left home, DH is going to retire, possible do a degree, maybe do a few odd jobs, and I continue to be the primary bread winner working about 60hrs per week.

He looks after me because I am sick, as in making dinners and brining cups of tea.... neither of us has ever really given a shit about housework.... it gets done eventually but a rich family life has been more important.

Interestingly we BOTH always ask permission before spending any significant sum. I say ask permission, we consult because the bank balance is a shared resource.

It's teamwork and at different times it is possible either of you could take the lead in either earning or caring.

Sounds to me like you have a dream balance (I haven't had a "day off" in years) but you should upskill for when life changes, because it will.

You’ve had a lot of harsh responses OP. I think people should be more kind tbh. We are all doing the best with what we are dealing with- practically, physically and emotionally. As a former SAHM to 4 married to a DH with very good income, I understand how unbalanced things become when you stay home. In my case, the guilt I felt for being lucky enough not to have to work was overwhelming. I overcompensated by trying to do everything at home. This allowed my DH the opportunity to feel his time outside the home was totally free for him. Work drinks, lunches, pub nights, team building outings, sports. He started to check out a bit at home. Slowly. And I felt too guilty about my ‘entitlement’ and ‘idyllic life’ to demand more. And I’m not usually a doormat! I would say this is the danger in your situation. It can work fine, as long as you both feel it’s balanced. And continue to feel that way. We have issues in our marriage now (16 years) directly related to this issue, which I never would have anticipated in the beginning. It all made good sense practically speaking. Now, I’m not financially independent enough to leave even if I want to. I was also a teacher previously. I’ve just gone back as a TA. It’s given me some confidence back and it’s less pressure (tho less money). Lots of TAs are former teachers at my school and that might suit you. Good luck OP.

Ha ha !! You have it v easy. I work full time, no cleaner, and a husband who does very little! 3 kids - all teens now. Yes I am bitter but love my job and it’s important to me. Wish I could drop a day at work but financially not possible.