I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

Sorry but going to agree with everyone else. It is more than fair that you are doing it all. Actually I would say you have it easy with 2 days of no child and a cleaner. Really to help ease the pressure on your husband you should get rid of both the cleaner and nursery. Logic being he wont have to work as many hours to cover the costs. And you said about asking to buy bigger purchases, well most couples have a discussion before they do, that's normal. If you are worried about overspending then discuss some budgets for things, ie monthly spend in kids clothes, adult clothes, extras (coffee/lunch)

On the face of what you have written you sound like you have a great life. But I don't think you are actually asking the right question. You say you had a bad pregnancy and have issues from that. Then you need to look at resolving these (if not fully, as best as can) to move on. I had a crap birth and left me with issues and problems ever since but so have many others. It is an unfortunate thing that can happen but you need (in the nicest way possible) to get past this somehow. With the time you have free, if everything is done then it is done so you either need to learn to relax a bit, or go do something you enjoy or volunteering. But I definitely don't think you should be looking at your husband to do more with the hours he is putting in against the hours you get child free

Oh, my. You really do have a charmed life. I cannot tell you how many women I know who work full-time, have 2 or more children, and are solely responsible for all of the housework, child care after work hours, putting a full meal on the table every night, and generally getting up to fetch and carry for DH all evening. No, your situation is not in the least unfair, and hundreds of thousands of women would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

You cringe about asking hubby for larger purchases. Perhaps you could stop cringing if you thought of it as "consulting about large expenditures." And that's reasonable, even if both parties are working full-time.

If I were your DH I would be pretty pissed of to be working until the early hours to pay £700 a month for unnecessary child care ! Also as his wife - I wouldn't WANT him to do it !

Personally Inwould prefer to be a SAHM who spent the week with my young child (because that's the job you opted for) and have my husband not work as hard ..because you can save him a £700 a month bill !

🤣 ffs. You need a massive reality check.

Is it really necessary to give the op such a hard time just because she sends her child to nursery and has a cleaner

Keeping the house in order, cooking meals and taking care of the kid is a very reasonable expectation in return for what he provides.

If that's not making you happy then you should look into employment or voluntary work, even part time, to build up your confidence. Anxieties build when you spend too much time alone or in a restricted enviroment (as in being at home too much and socially isolated, rather than out in the world).

We all need a reason to get up in the morning and something to drive us to strive for. You need to find that something.

Facing anxiety head on is the only way to overcome it and the sooner you do it, the easier it will be and the happier you will be.

My DH would work into the early hours despite my son going to nursery. He would work into the early hours if he was single. He doesn't get paid per hour.

Sorry I wasn't going to bother responding but I needed to clarify this. He also very much enjoys his job.

In the 16 months my daughter has been in our lives I have had zero days off. The max time I have had to myself is 3 hours, once. And during that time I was food shopping and getting a trim.
I do literally everything as my partner does very little. You have it so good.

I do think it's about attitude though. I was a sahm for 4 years and still now only work around my dcs and they have never gone to nursery, only preschool when they get the free hours at 3. However my dh would never see it as 'his' money and would never expect me to do anything. He usually makes breakfast and I usually make dinner. He does a lot of diy and I do the washing/cleaning. However we would never expect each other to do these things. I would chat about it with him and maybe reach an agreement where neither of you feel taken for granted.

So you don’t work out of the house. You have a cleaner for 3 hours a week. You have 2 days child free a week. Your DH is working hard full time but you think it may be unreasonable that he expects you to do the laundry and get up in the night for your child. Wow just wow. Charmed life indeed.

Are you happy OP? Do you feel fulfilled?
Is organising the home, cleaning and childcare enough for you?

sometimes the inequality of being the one doing all the rubbish chores and the overwhelming lack of respect from anyone, the sentiment that you've got an easy deal from the world at large eroded my self worth and made it harder to cope (see all the comments!).

Why is it acceptable for the over 3s to have the free nursery hours but parents of toddlers and younger not to have a respite to all the people appalled about nursery care?

That said, I don't think your anxiety will be better until you work out what's the primary problem - for me it would be the lack of an overall plan for a job (even if you are having another one in the next few years, re-training part time can take years). I find all my worries are easier to manage if the primary problem is tackled. People always suggest volunteering but having done stints of it I find that you don't get respect for that either in general.

I think you are very lucky. Organise your two days off better. Either have one day to batch cook, house work and get on top of everything (although with a cleaner once a week you should be on top of everything so tbis should be an easy task) and one day me time, exercise, relax, go back to bed, binge watch Netflix etc.

You 'don't have much money left' at the end of the month but have 2 days childcare, meals out, holidays and a cleaner!?!? You poor thing. Here, have a .

It’s one thing to have this kind of life and quite another to be so unaware how lucky you are that you come in a public forum to ask if it is fair that you still do the laundry

@anon444877 errrr it’s because many people to the rubbish chores AND have to work full time

*do

The trouble is you have an easy life on the face of it, but housework and childcare are relentless and depressing when there is nothing else to balance them. It is exhausting and largely unrewarding.
It sounds like you are missing a sense of purpose outside of that , and probably human interaction.
I was a SAHM with a husband working very long hours in a highly stressful job. I did everything , though he helped when he was home. Over time he stopped doing any admin and had no idea when the car needed an MOT etc. I found it really draining and unrewarding. However my job opportunities were limited due to the hours he worked and moving frequently.
When I started working part time I found it made a massive difference to my self esteem , and I felt so much happier, even though the job was one I did not enjoy much.
Use the time to retrain, do a degree , take up new hobbies and interests. It’s not enough to just look after the home for most people.
I never had a cleaner as I felt if I wasn’t working full time it was indefensible, but everyone is different.

Why is it acceptable for the over 3s to have the free nursery hours but parents of toddlers and younger not to have a respite to all the people appalled about nursery care?

People are only appalled the OP is STILL not happy and STILL looking for a way of doing less...despite having 2 days to herself and a cleaner to top it off @anon444877

I've been a SAHM for years. My children are all school age or older so I have a lot of child free time.
My husband usually works away four nights a week, Weekends DH does a lot with the children as he's missed them all week, although we do things together as well.
Everything that needs to be done during the week is down to me. I do all the cleaning (see no point in a cleaner) cooking, DIY, gardening, etc. This is the reason I don't work, I've no desire to have all the home responsibilities and go to work unless it's financially essential. I've done that with our first two DC when we were skint, I worked evenings and weekends so we didn't need childcare, it was exhausting.
However I feel 100% appreciated and respected. DH is my biggest cheerleader and he's done as much as possible to make me feel financially secure as a SAHM. I feel fully that we're a team.

I think you have put a lot of information in that is unnecessary and has actually detracted from your issue which is that you are unfulfilled. Your DH gets to go out and have a life and go something that he loves. And you get all the drudgery and mundane parts.

At the moment it is balanced but the balance doesnt fulfil you and you need some way of making it better - which I think means a different split in terms of you finding a job and him taking on some of the slack

I am currently a SAHM for three DC aged 6, 4 and 8 months. I do everything, cleaning,cooking, entertaining younger two when the 4 year old is not in nursery. Wish I had two days off 🙈you seem to be in a very lucky situation here.

What is lucky about being unfulfilled and trapped in a situation you dont want - are we really so back in the 1950s that this is the goal in life 2 childfree days to catch up on chores while the man gets to go on his long pub lunches.

He wants his dinner on the table when he arrives, shirts ironed in his wardrobe and the odd bit of involvement with his son.

No thanks not for me. She is wanting less she is wanting more but cant get it

Oh, my. You really do have a charmed life. I cannot tell you how many women I know who work full-time, have 2 or more children, and are solely responsible for all of the housework, child care after work hours, putting a full meal on the table every night, and generally getting up to fetch and carry for DH all evening.

Why would you be angry at the OP rather than angry at the shit husbands of the women you know? Why would their wildly unfair division of labour be any sort of yardstick?