I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

@Hardbackwriter

I actually find it quite depressing how many people here think OP is living a dream life. Living aside the fact that it's making her miserable, is it really that surprising that being a bored housewife isn't all that great? Am I the only one who's read any Betty Friedan?!

Me too. OP's life is my personal hell. I would be so depressed and lonely.

I love the odd day - maybe 2 a year - I can take A/L from work and my nanny is working so I can do what the fuck I like, but if I never worked and had two completely empty days a week, I would spiral.

Some of you are obviously under too much stress, but personally the fuller my life is with stuff which is meaningful, challenging and good for me, the happier I am. I'm writing fiction just for myself for the first time in years, I'm using the new skills I'm learning studying at work and I'm just bubbling over with excitement and pride in myself. The OP has a terrible lack of those things.

You live a privileged life. Yes, I think it's reasonable.

Life isn't a competition in hard work and misery. Honestly. What are you all like ... "I married at 16, had 17 kids and work 200 hours a week and I'm not complaining" . Good for you but honestly nobody else is going to give you a medal, they don't tend to do that in real life. ...... I work part time in a job I love and could quit anytime. My husband earns a lot , he also does housework. Our kids are young adults but we shared childrearing responsibilities . I'm not abusive for my situation, I'm not entitled and I couldn't care less what you all think about it all. The OP will hopefully take the same stance.

The OP is allowed to be unhappy with the situation she is in. I think these posts are indicative of a lot of very unhappy and resentful women... Not real life fortunately.

Op, on the days where your dc is in nursery take some time out for yourself, so anything you enjoy, book, exercise, meet a friend etc. I know you mentioned having a cleaner but I detect some sort of guilt in your post, please don’t feel guilty for having some help in the form of childcare and a cleaner especially if you are doing things like cooking from scratch etc. If you ever do decide to go back to teaching you will know that you took a break while you were able to, and as we all know teachers are under a lot of pressure at the best of times.

Another one here who can see how boring and tedious your life is, especially when you've been a teacher, which is full-on rewarding and manic at the same time.
Is it possible you have depression?
Ignore all those people who think you have a charmed life - it's just envy.
Yes, you are lucky that you could take time away from work, because your DH has a good job. Many people simply can't afford to.
The idea of being a TA might suit you, and might be a gentle way back into teaching. The pay isn't great, but it's only term time.
Before that happens, can you think of running the home as your 'job' (ie your contribution to the home). You will need time off from your job, too, so make sure you take it.
Oh, and stop organising your DH's wardrobe. You are not his mum.

If you don't want to work and you don't want to run a house, what DO you want to do with your time?

It's no wonder you're getting people's backs up. You're in a position a lot of people would dream of.

Yes it is fair. But if you don't enjoy it, change it.

Your DH needs a medal 🏅 by the sounds of your post.

This sounds very much like my life when my kids were little. I know it's exhausting, but try to take a breath, step back, and be happy with the choices you made. I'm sure your son is happy and thriving and you get to be home with him. Make the jacket potatoes from time to time, and take some time for yourself on your days off, even if it's just an hour of telly. I always gave myself a "lunch break"!

@Tt101

Some of you live miserable lives. A lot of you should be asking yourselves the questions the OP is asking.

Many people live financially constrained lives that become miserable through no fault of their own, more so currently I suspect with those losing their jobs. Basically, some people have very few choices at the moment, and would love to swap with the OP.

There are some very blunt replies on this, which is a little uncomfortable to read.
Anxiety sounds like it is real and it sounds like you might be a bit lost navigating your role as SAHM.
Do you go to therapy or spend time slowing your mind through yoga or meditation on your days without LO?

@Amimissingsomethinghere
Hey OP I think some people are being very mean in their comments.
How about starting as a teaching assistant with an agency as suggested above? Provides more flexibility with your little one.

@Amimissingsomethinghere or tutoring online. During Covid many parents are looking for tuition online. You could be at home and do tuition via online whilst your DC is at nursery. This should help with the anxiety since you will still be in your comfort zone.

@moonpig23

Disgusting comment.

Do you think your anxiety is making you so tired?

I think you need to see your GP.

I definitely wouldn’t describe yours as a charmed life.

I dont usually bitch but I will make an exception. Have a bloody word with yourself dear

I agree with kittencalledbob - sorry but I'm in same boat -2 kids one with SEN no days off, no help from anyone - -Once we paid someone to look after kids for one night so have anniversary night out as husband on a conference and got a nice hotel free for the night - not done it since ! I feel that if a get a bath without less than 2 interruptions I'm onto a winner! I'm trying to build a craft business to get some income of my own so I appreciate what you say about money but really it's all about mindset - we are very lucky to have the joy of being able to look after our own kids...

I second what an earlier poster said. It’s just your mindset that need to change. Give yourself something fun to do on at least one of those days off. Don’t fill every minute with chores and you’ll feel much better about everything. Nothing will really change except how you fell about the situation.
I don’t think you sound entitled. Just a bit anxious. This is very similar to how I feel when I am at home and my husband is at work. Like I have to justify my time. But he doesn’t ask, I just feel guilty that he’s at work and I’m not.

The OP is allowed to be unhappy with the situation she is in

I agree with this. Regardless of people's jealousy at your childcare and cleaner, you effectively have no break because you are trying to prove yourself all day with jobs on 2 days, and the rest of the time you are on call. I think you should allocate some time to yourself on those days to recharge. Don't apologise for having help yet still finding things hard. It's not a competition. Also, there is no need to join a creative writing course, learn to sew or learn Swahili. You have anxiety, so just take some time out and chill then you might feel less overwhelmed.

Having said the above, I worked two days in an admin job when my kids were very little and it really helped my confidence. I genuinely saw it as a break, plus I didn't have to do housework while I was there

Good job I'm not your OH you'd be cleaning yourself and A2 year-old would not be going to nursery at a cost of £700 while you were staying at home

Seriously OP many of the parents reading this will be doing everything you are doing AND working (I am one of these)

I can't even come up with anything else to say - wow.

If its the organisation of teaching (ie. all the crap teachers have to do that prevents them from spending all their time actually teaching) then what about tutoring? I don’t know what age group you taught but you could maybe organise your 2.5yo nursery to suit tutoring hours 🤷🏼‍♀️ You can pick and choose what/when you teach.
Think of what skills or interests you have and put it together with your teaching skills to see what you could do, maybe birthday party crafts for example.
Would it be possible for you to have a debrief session(s) to help you work through the pregnancy/birth and move forwards? Maybe your GP could advise or your HV?

To be honest with you you seem to have a lot of help in the two days and a cleaner. I mean kids are exhausting. I’m not sure that means your husband isn’t doing enough- working to the wee hours is pretty draining. I’m a Carer to our disabled son and have small business that’s mostly on hold during COVID. My partner is working all hours too and I am well looked after. I accept similar jobs to you and I get no days off and have no cleaner.

Though I agree with above comments talk to dr about anxiety and exhaustion and factor in some fun for yourself!

Very lucky for some

This thread reminds me of when my friend was telling me how hard parenthood is even though she had two nannies one for day one for night (they lived In the servants quarters of the house) 😳

OP you are very fortunate