This includes spicing up our sex life (his interests are a bit more kinky than mine, but we agreed things we both want to try/are comfortable with) - he felt like he was pushing for some time to improve this and I was being a bit passive/ not really contributing.
Its not up to you to be kinky. He's trying to push your boundaries on this. You are not a performing sex robot. You know that right?
And he's right - if nothing else I've realised through the Mumsnet process that I can be passive and could and should be more proactive.
Just because you should be proactive on other things, doesn't mean your sex life is one of those.
When we first talked about moving he'd looked into building a house and I thought this was way too much hard work and dismissed the idea, though he was very interested in it.
What did I say about this guy being away with the fairies and wanting the big dream: the perfect wife, the amazing perfect house he built himself, the dream job? etc etc. He's 37. He's not got off his arse to try and make it happen. He never will. He's too busy looking at his phone trying to fuck someone. He lives in fantasy land but hasn't got the drive to be decisive enough to actually go and do something. He'd rather fuck about going 'oh I'm confused'.
I didn't know at the time but he later told me he felt very unsupported when he was researching this. I did explain that I don't really care about building houses but because of how he felt I got involved with looking into it, went to expos and supported the idea. But he can't seem to let go of the idea that I don't support him.
He needs a fall guy for when he bottles it. He's full of hot air and ideas but he's not a doer. Fantasy land man
I think he feels like if he doesn't push ideas, I don't come up with them.
Not your fucking problem. He's not convincing you of the idea. And he's never got past looking at magazines has he? He's never actively gone out and looked at plots of lands, building costs, architect costs, costs of architects and then presented this to you to try and convince you, has he?
If he wants to be the dreamer thats fine. But you've every right to be the practical one, that questions him. And perhaps rightly brings him back down to earth. Things don't get down without that side to them too.
But I've seen myself as a realist, whilst he is a dreamer. I think my approach is different.
You are allowed to be different. But respect for each other on that score is also important. He needs to value your realistic nature if he expects you to pander to his dreams.
I also sought clarity on the concept of "superficial love". I told him my love for him has never been or felt superficial. He said that his love for me wasn't superficial but that he felt the way it was expressed was sometimes forced.
Forced? In what way? He feels forced to demonstrate his love by not being a fucker with a phone being inappropriate with other women?
Honestly, is this what you want? A man who resents you for getting in the way of dreams he's never going to get off his arse to do anyway? A man who says he feels forced into the way he demonstrates his love for you? A man who expects you to be kinky in the bedroom because he's a fantacist. You know you will never live up to his fantasy in the bedroom don't you? And he will always push the boundary saying but 'if only you tried this' or 'why can't we do that'.
Its good you seem to be seeing him for who he is, but keep doing that. And don't take responsibility for him living in lala land.