New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

The way he’s acting and the things he’s saying doesn’t sound like things a doctor would say/do which is why people are questioning if he is actually a doctor?

Sounds like he has health anxiety but he also sounds like a insensitive twat. Seems odd that he would make a comment about a disabled child taking up recourses and money.

Why are you actually with him? He doesn’t seem to have much going for him, he doesn’t sound caring and seems more worried about his penis than anything else.

I think you should move on and find someone who can put you before his penis.

I'd move out ASAP then find out if you can report him to the GMC for his comments on disabled children. That's vile and possibly very dangerous.

I think you should move on and find someone who can put you before his penis.

OP says she's moving out today.

Good luck @TreasurySr. You’ve discovered these traits and decided to move out. Not sure why you’re getting so much flack.

Hope it goes smoothly

I feel a bit sorry for the guy, he’s sounds like a real mess and has ended up in a profession that is awful for his MH.

That said, it’s his mess, not yours OP. You can’t fix him and I’m delighted to hear you’re not sticking around. I think lots of people have made the same quick ‘lockdown leap’ and lived to regret it. Onwards and upwards!

He sounds far too much hard work and the mother thing is wierd. Unlike other posters I don't have an issue with what he said about disabled children. It might be unpalatable for many but it is a stance that many people secretly have but are scared to articulate. All the other stuff though - health anxiety and lack of thoughtfulness- would finish it for me.
Glad to hear you are moving out OP.

You’re absolutely right to ask for input on this guy. It’s just wrong on so many levels.

You’re absolutely making the right decision to go.

Please don’t beat yourself up.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that when you’ve wasted 6m of your life and found out that someone is wrong for you, doesn’t really give a shit about you or indeed anyone but himself than when you’ve realised after years and years of lying to yourself- possibly with kids in the mix too.

This will pass. You’ve learned valuable lessons here, your instincts are in tact and your boundaries are good.

Well done you! You’ll be alright. Promise (((hug)))

Good luck with this, good luck with the moving back out and let us know how it went (if you can)

@TreasurySr people may be questioning whether he's indeed a doctor because they'd expect him to have a bit more empathy for disabled children if he was. I trust you know that he is a doctor and I understand that there are doctors who see their job as profession rather than a calling but I'd still be out of the door if my partner (doctor or not) said something like that about disabled children, even if there were no other red flags in his behavior.

The concerning part about his being a doctor who holds such views about disabled children is how could those views translate into his practice. How can one trust him to put 100% into saving a life of such a child as a doctor in A&E? I couldn't.

In terms of relationship - he doesn't sound like a catch at all. More like a self-absorbed mummy's boy who thinks world revolves around him. Is that something you're happy to deal with for the next X years of your life? If not - I hope you have your suitcases ready.

@Rose87777

Yep goodbye chameleon cock, so long!!!

Genuinely sounds like he has a number of problems. It terrifies me that there are healthcare staff who view people with disabilities like that.

Good luck OP

That’s DOCTOR Chameleon Dick to you @Rose87777

He sounds self obsessed. He won’t change. I think it’s a good idea to move out.

I'm dismayed at how many people are fixated on questioning his doctor status. You will never know if it's true or not. Not sure what you get out if questioning it. Is it that you refuse to believe that damaged individuals can ascend to positions of authority and that makes you afraid?

Unbelievable as it may seem, doctors have flaws like everyone else. Some of the are arrogant or narcissistic, some of them are very cold and simply view humans as machines (which, in a way comes in handy when dealing with regular deaths and tragedy) and some of them are hateful and quite enjoy the power they have over other people (which is why you hear of awful tales of surgeons butchering women on their tables by giving them deliberately botched operations and removing organs unnecessarily). I heard a case a while ago of a GP in the U.K who abused his wife terribly, and in the end killed his children (and I think himself too) after making them make a last video for their mother in which they had to tearfully say goodbye to her. Even in the last video, he was talking about how his wife made him do all this. The local community was shocked as he was a known, trusted figure.

Just because people work in positions of authority or care, does not make them mentally healthy saints! Is that so difficult to believe?

What did he mean about the child?

you can report him to the GMC for his comments on disabled children. That's vile and possibly very dangerous

There would be a lot of GMC and NMC referrals if that view was a basis for complaint. As a pp said a lot of health care professionals question preserving life when there will never be any quality to it.

His mom relationship with his mom would be the tipping point for me.

A bit OTT with your examples there @EarthSight??? Doctors are human, not monsters! I agree with not glorifying them, but no need to demonise them to make your point.

Why is everyone getting side tracked with the doctor status, that is irrelevant?

Well.done, OP.
You've been able to isolate his coldness and narcissistic tendencies as being the main issue.
Glad you're going back to your own place. Time for self care instead of having to be his crutch.
Be mindful that you dont become attracted to people who need 'fixing'.
Good luck

I have worked with Doctors and I for one have no difficulty believing this man is one
However, he’s also a narcissistic weirdo mummy’s boy who no woman should be involved with (unless she gave birth to him). Get out and don’t look back OP

Is he Doc Martin?

@TreasurySr

I think via this thread you've acknowledged whether you want to or not that your boyfriend isn't the man for you.

You have no future with this man and I cannot see him being a good dad if you had children with him;it sounds like he wouldn't give them the time of day and wouldn't be patient with them plus could you imagine if they got a slight temp or got abit of colic etc;he'd project the health anxiety he has onto the baby the way he does with his mum.Total nightmare.

And god forbid if you had a child with a disability.

Please don't settle for this man;your worth so much more

@Hazelnutlatteplease

one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources

For this statement alone I would have sent him packing. Instantly. Before he even had the chance continue.

Vile man

This. I'd be gone without stopping to post on Mumsnet.

I have 2 of those children that are wasting NHS resources !
What a horrible man . And he is a Dr ? . Words fail me actually.
I feel sad to think doctors treating my children might secretly feel the same !

Be glad you have made a decision and are getting out.

He sounds really grim.

Don't waste any more time on him.

Good luck.

[quote TreasurySr]@SoulofanAggron yes I thought that too recently. He’s very cold at times. It occurred to me the other day that we never have any form of intimacy before or after sex..it’s just cold clinical sex and that’s that. No cuddling afterwards or before. He’s detached really in lots of ways[/quote]
I think you are answering your own questions throughout. As in what was I thinking. Don’t beat yourself up but end this ASAP. He is not empathetic and caring enough for you by the sounds of it.

He doesn't sound like any doctor I've ever met. They are usually pretty dismissive of health concerns away from the day job, and none of them liked clapping. Think they'd rather be paid what they signed up for!