New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

Comment about the disabled child and lack of care about his poorly relative, combined with the other stuff... sounds exhausting now and will only get more so as time goes on. His comment about the child was disgusting. What if you have a child and they have a disability? Is that how he would see them. Ugh what an awful thing to think let alone say.

Also I say this gently but you've done that thing where you've listed his bad points including something indefensible and awful then chosen to be a bit defensive instead of taking on board posters saying yes, this is awful and would be break up worthy for most people.

Try to take a step back from the comments about him being a doctor and concentrate on what you're going to do.

Do you really want to be with someone who isn't caring and is fundamentally quite cruel about vulnerable people? I wouldn't.

He sounds annoying and very selfish, so what if he cooks? He has to eat too. I don’t know any adult that would find money an appropriate gift from/to their partner for their birthday.

The comment on the child and the “clapping for me” thing are just... creepy.

I developed OCD after training, it does happen.
Several concerns with him though, he doesn't acknowledge he has health anxiety.
His mum seems to trump all, not usual to stop sex just in case someone calls.
Lack of effort re gifts and not thoughtful of your current personal circumstances.
Have you confronted his health anxiety seriously? Actually took DH several attempts for me.

[quote TreasurySr]@TwentyViginti yes I agree. He’s very proud of his job though and actually filmed people clapping during the pandemic and uploaded it to Instagram saying ‘the people clapping for me.’ I went off him a bit then too.[/quote]
I just got the second hand ick. How embarrassing a thing to say!

@youvegottenminuteslynn no I don’t want to be with him. I’m just so annoyed I moved in with him like this. I don’t know what I was thinking

What's he a doctor of?

He thinks his penis is a chameleon, and is home to cook dinner every evening. Righty-ho.

[quote TreasurySr]@youvegottenminuteslynn no I don’t want to be with him. I’m just so annoyed I moved in with him like this. I don’t know what I was thinking[/quote]
Bless you, most of us have been in that situation where we've jumped in and it didn't work out. Try and reframe it - you found out early on that you aren't compatible. You could have (in non lockdown / covid days) spent a year and a half dating to get to the moving in stage THEN realised he's a prick! Onwards and upwards, you've dodged a bullet mate!

All I'll say is, if I thought my dr was taking pictures of his own willy incase it changed colour, and panicking so much over his own mother's health even though she had no apparent issues, I'd feel extremely unsettled taking his diagnosis of anything I might have. He doesn't sound safe.

Sure he isn't a porter who fancies himself as a doctor and has watched a bit too much Holby city?

You know deep down what's best to do for you OP, good luck!

@lolabears yes I’ve mentioned it and asked him to see someone. He refuses and says it is much better than it was. This is true as he dropped out of the training for a year to deal with it. So technically it is better but not ok.

I hope you still have your own place.

My daughter is also an NHS employee and she was embarassed by, and grew to hate the clapping.

@JamieLeeCurtains

What's he a doctor of?

He thinks his penis is a chameleon, and is home to cook dinner every evening. Righty-ho.

Hmmm yeah..........

@TwentyViginti yes that’s how I feel too! He was moved to day shifts only because of his mental health and he’s worried if he got a referral then it might impact his ability to practise. He used to work nights and stopped that years back as he couldn’t cope.

I mostly feel hurt by his comments and like a fucking idiot for moving in.

I'm not surprised that doctors can occasionally have health anxiety- I think people working anywhere near hospitals etc, they can actually be more concerned with potential illnesses than other people.

He sounds self absorbed and neurotic OP. xx Fair enough having MH problems, but not doing anything about them is annoying.

Maybe he has some autistic traits too? (I do myself.) I say that because of him not asking about your gran, and just a general 'vibe' I get about him from what you've written. Probably his comment about the disabled child, too, though people can have ASD traits and not be nasty of course- but his saying that was not considering how he might come across to you because of that statement; it shows a lack of social grace.

Realistically he needs on going therapy.
I actually think that's irrelevant for you though because everything else you mention suggests you're not compatible. I'd move out if I was you.

Well move back out then!

@SoulofanAggron yes I thought that too recently. He’s very cold at times. It occurred to me the other day that we never have any form of intimacy before or after sex..it’s just cold clinical sex and that’s that. No cuddling afterwards or before. He’s detached really in lots of ways

So completely self absorbed with no empathy whatsoever.

Delightful

actually filmed people clapping during the pandemic and uploaded it to Instagram saying ‘the people clapping for me.’

Narcissistic of him. Also lacking an awareness of how it comes across to others again.

I once had a boyfriend who was weird about his mum. He had a lot of issues.

He’s very cold at times. It occurred to me the other day that we never have any form of intimacy before or after sex..it’s just cold clinical sex and that’s that. No cuddling afterwards or before. He’s detached really in lots of ways

He's just not nice OP. So, what're you going to do now?

Lots of doctors develop health anxiety in their career seeing everything that can go wrong with the human body. I've treated many for it. Not sure why that's an issue? And my DP's penis does sometimes get darker/bruised looking for no apparent reason. No idea why though. But the calling his mum for hours on end would have me running for the hills.

@TwentyViginti

He sounds a self obsessed wanker anyway (maybe he doesn't wank in case his penis turns colour though).

Also a weird mother fixation. Stopping sex in case she called? UGHHHHH.

I agree.

Run op...no way could I be with someone who thought like that about a disabled child, he sounds like a psychopath!

You're not an idiot for moving in. It's a massive, time saving shortcut that's allowed you to see all this before you emotionally invest further. Imagine discovering these things after 2 years!! Pat yourself on the back for seeing these things so soon!!

I'm sure there are different types of anxieties, but from living and working with people who had OCD or borderline OCD, I have learnt the following about how they manage those anxious feelings - first the control themselves, then when that's not enough they try to control their environment which usually includes people. I think you will end up feeling really turned off by this obsessive, faffing behaviour.

Your last comments seem to indicate that you know what you're going to do. Don't beat yourself up about it. We can only act on the information we are presented with, and living with him has allowed you to see all this.

In the grand scheme of things you haven't been together very long and you got together over a really weird time. Cut your losses now, this stuff will continue to be annoying and is likely to get worse. No point wasting your time.

My sister gave up working in A&E as she also developed health anxiety. Every time someone came in with a cut finger she’d begin to catastrophise until, in her head, she’d be sitting at the GMC. Wing struck off for missing a rare infection and killing the patient, or something along those lines. She also started obsessively taking her own temp and going to hospitals miles away with her kids as she was taking them so often she was worried her colleagues would sound an alarm.

Anyway, your partner does sound like he has health anxiety, but completely separately he also sounds like a total wanker and I’d get rid.