New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

@Onedropbeat

He sounds like someone with borderline personality disorder

The narcissism and lack of empathy

Such a shame someone how you describe is a doctor

So much wrong with this I don't even know where to start 🤦🏻‍♀️

@TJ17

He sounds terrifying to be honest 😳

In light of the recent Lucy Letby case, a doctor who considers a vulnerable child "a drain on the NHS and a waste of time" sounds incredibly dangerous!!!
He does not sound stable enough to be practising medicine....

This.

He sounds unfit for the precession.

And his dick obsession is weird.

I'm sorry to ask but what's his cultural background? Maybe it's something to do with his mum too? He's very cold towards others, especially if they're weak/vulnerable, but he's pathologically obsessed with his own health and body and that of his mum. Hmm.

Just pack up and leave. Say you don't feel right, sorry. Don't even get into a discussion. It doesn't matter what you say. Just go.

[quote TreasurySr]@Lipz your dd sounds lovely, as does your dh. Reading your post is a very nice reminder that there’s decent, kind and good people out there. He is not one of them and the two people I’ve confided in about that comment have been repulsed too. Your family sounds great and I hope I meet someone like your dh one day. Forever hoping it seems![/quote]

Thank you and wishing you well and luck for your future

I don’t think people think all doctors are saints or perfect, but your DP seems on the extreme side of the issues he has

My husbands ex was a doctor and she was very self absorbed, a relative was a nurse and that gave her extreme health anxiety too.

It didn’t take away their empathy.
Something that’s so important in a caring role

Good luck with the future and I hope you find someone that is a better fit for you

I meat unfit for the profession! (What even is 'precession'?!)

@TreasurySr

I think I’m going to leave this thread now...good luck to those who believe doctors have zero issues! And yes his comment was about quality of life not about outlawing disability. But again it’s not the point of the post.

Thanks to those who have helpfully replied rather than pick apart whether or not someone can practise as a doctor with mental health issues...MN is surprisingly naive sometimes.

I’m off to go pack my bags. Thanks again to those who talked this through.

Good luck with moving on

I'm not surprised so many doctors date/marry other clinicians. It must be so difficult to explain to others what your work is like and the decisions you face and so on. Easier to date those who understand already.

I’d be more concerned about his relationship with his mother than his obsessive body parts issues. Yes time to say goodbye.

Really Judy? I whole 7 pages of people saying the same thing and you say there’s so much wrong with that specifically?

Good luck today @TreasurySr - YOU sound like a kind and patient person who was willing to be understanding and give him a chance. You deserve all good things. And can I say I’m really glad there are doctors out there like you, thanks for everything you do

"Alcohol and drug abuse among physicians are important and persistent problems. The aim of this study was to highlight the magnitude of the problem and the factors related to alcohol and/or drug abuse, and to underline the importance of methods for prevention, early recognition, and treatment. The literature shows that the problem has a multifactorial origin. Occupational stress and ability to manage it play an important role. Easy access to drugs and the possibility of self-prescribing may have a contributory role. Anaesthesiologists, surgeons, and general practice physicians are the most vulnerable specialties, probably because of the stressful and competitive environment in which they work."

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17263030/

C’mon - someone with health anxiety will avoid situations that may threaten their health. How can a doctor properly care for a patient when their own mental health issues will cause them to be avoidant? Are our expectations of the NHS now so low? He should be put on leave until he sorts himself out.

@MajorMujer

A doctor who thinks his penis changes colour

My DH did have this-a sudden discolouration- was refereed immediately to a consultant by the GP (within days)

Signs and symptoms of penile cancer can include: ......changes in the colour of the skin, such as a redness, white patches or areas that look blueish, brown or black in colour. discharge or bleeding.

@Onedropbeat

Really Judy? I whole 7 pages of people saying the same thing and you say there’s so much wrong with that specifically?

Absolutely no one has said he might have BPD.

There is zero here to suggest that. NPD maybe, OCPD maybe, but BPD? No way and the only person to say so is you. Which makes me think you don't know what the difference is between BPD and other cluster B personality disorders.

@greenspacesoverthere

he made this comment less than twenty four hours ago. Give me a break...

You have been in a relationship with him for Some time and you've only just discovered he's a sociopath? No other clues? I'm afraid I don't buy any of this.

ODFOD with the amateur diagnosis. One remark does not make someone a sociopath.

I think it's the cold clinical sex that would be the greatest turn-off for me. The thought of never having any warm, loving sex would be a deal-breaker.

Health anxiety and OCD are both pretty common in medical professionals. It makes total sense why they would be!

I once dated a doctor who was very callous and unemotional. He was only late 20s too so not even jaded and burnt out, just the way he was.

He didn't give a shit about helping people, he just wanted the salary potential and the glory. I saw him twice and then ran for the hills.

Oof. I've just read your thread and you're getting a bashing! Some people just love to criticise.

From what I've read you've made a good decision. He seems like he doesn't really have much empathy for anyone except his mother. From a psychological point of view he is a Freudian wet dream.

It was never going to get any better. The lack of intimacy except for sex, the obsession with his health, talking to his mother all the time, his uncaring nature to anyone else, the weird narcissism over the clapping. Just imagine what a few years of that would have been like! It would only have got worse. Well done for dodging that bullet.
You sound like a good person who made the wrong choice. Hope you're OK.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources hmm he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad

He’s a waste of your resources. For that comment alone, he would be out the door.

The OP is dismissive about the mental health conditions of her DP and flippantly says ‘oh doctors are people too’. She alleges she is also a doctor. She needs to report to his employer that he is not seeking treatment so he is not a risk to his patients. If she doesn’t, she is failing in her own professional responsibilities. As simple as that.

You simply moved in too early with someone you did not really know. Now you are finding out who they really are and you don't see to like what you see...time to move on.

I know a doctor with extreme health anxiety and I have come to learn that this is very common in the medical profession. Arrogance and shouting at more junior doctors is also very common. They learn this as it was done to them in their turn.

I'm surprised people here are surprised that OP's partner is a doctor as he sounds cold and uncaring. I've known a few doctors like that. For one thing, and this will annoy some people me saying it, to be a doctor you need to be very good at science and sometimes a brain that is very good at science and analytical skills is not as good at soft skills, like empathy, warmth, kindness and communications. Some doctors certainly need to be taught to have a good bedside manner as it doesn't come naturally. I've also met quite a few senior doctors who have huge egos. They are not very likeable.

Anyway, I think OP has made up her own mind and knows what's in her best interests. We all make mistakes in what we see or don't see in potential partners. Once you move in together it reveals everything.

@TreasurySr

I think I’m going to leave this thread now...good luck to those who believe doctors have zero issues! And yes his comment was about quality of life not about outlawing disability. But again it’s not the point of the post.

Thanks to those who have helpfully replied rather than pick apart whether or not someone can practise as a doctor with mental health issues...MN is surprisingly naive sometimes.

I’m off to go pack my bags. Thanks again to those who talked this through.

@TreasurySr I have PM'd you. Agree that MN can be naive about some things, but we can't blame that. These men (i.e. doctors with psychological issues) are tough characters who make the external world believe they are capable and competent. I was married to one in such a role for many years, and ended it with another doctor-partner for reasons similar to yours. Narcissism can also be self preservation. Again, I think there are clues in the locum doctor bit, as these men sometimes have difficulties pinning down a fixed post, and also like playing the hero role - going in, fixing the wards for 6 months, coming back out. Helps them to keep emotionally detached from work politics, too.

Enough analysis. Good luck with moving out.