New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

You're not an idiot for moving in. It's a massive, time saving shortcut that's allowed you to see all this before you emotionally invest further.

This. Better luck next time, OP.

@Grobagsforever I was attracted initially as we had lots in common with work etc. So he understood when I had to work late and the pressures. That was nice. Thinking about it though he’s not ever been caring towards me. In the early days we’d meet and id walk home (city centre late at night). He’d often go two days before speaking again, couldn’t have cared less if I was home safe. There was never any feelings of care like that really. I gues I just considered that was because he was too busy.

I’ve luckily got my own place so will be going back there today.

Good idea, a bit of space might help put things in perspective and at least you won't have to randomly check his dick out, you can chill on the sofa doing your own thing 👍

@SoulofanAggron

I'm not surprised that doctors can occasionally have health anxiety- I think people working anywhere near hospitals etc, they can actually be more concerned with potential illnesses than other people.

He sounds self absorbed and neurotic OP. xx Fair enough having MH problems, but not doing anything about them is annoying.

Maybe he has some autistic traits too? (I do myself.) I say that because of him not asking about your gran, and just a general 'vibe' I get about him from what you've written. Probably his comment about the disabled child, too, though people can have ASD traits and not be nasty of course- but his saying that was not considering how he might come across to you because of that statement; it shows a lack of social grace.

The only decent reply to this tread

Op this doesn't sound like a great partner in life. He cooks cos he needs to eat too. From what you've said your bf doesn't do anything purely to make you happy which is sad.

His relationship with his mum is weird and you fundamentally differ on a serious moral question (his views are awful but I think sadly not uncommon).

Tbh he sounds like he has fairly serious MH problems. PD? I think his behaviour indicates his problems go beyond health anxiety.

How are you going to extract yourself? I think he is going to take the rejection badly. What can you do to stay safe?

Good luck with moving today. I hope he's out and you can just move your stuff and then deal with telling him once you' re sorted. I'm sure you will feel relief to return to normality and not forcing yourself to be content to settle for less and his strange behaviours. The birthday present issue is the one that rings bells for me - men that want you to make a fuss for them but aren't able to make you feel special. If things are like that early on it would only get worse, much worse, in years to come.

I think he might be better suited to a research role, frankly.

I think you are making the right choice to break up. The overall picture is that he cannot meet your needs, does not demonstrate warmth and affection. At best, you have different ways of showing love, at worst he doesnt actually try to show and at all. His relationship with his mother sounds enmeshed. He clearly has quite severe health anxiety, but the primary issue with that is that he is unwilling to acknowledge it and address it.

The most concerning thing for you is not your (ex) partner - it's the fact that you have to post on a forum to find out from strangers whether or not your own emotions are valid.

Everybody is different and there is no set of rules about what we should put up with in relationships. Some people might be ok with his behaviour; they would be compatible with him. For you, his behaviour made you uncomfortable/unsettled. This means the two of you are not compatible.

Have a look into self validation. Believe in your own emotions. There is no such thing as over-reacting, because there are no rules about correct levels of reacting. The way you react is who you are, and if you don't like the way you react/feel around the person, you stay away from them.

You can turn 'Is it just me, or is this guy's behaviour out of line?' into 'This guy's behaviour is out of line for me.' It's a much more solid stance, and will end up with you being surrounded by people who make you feel confident, not questioning.

OP - I'm shocked that you're so shocked AND annoyed that PPs are so shocked that he's a doctor! Hope he's never my doctor! Don't doctors have any psychological screening before they are let loose on unsuspecting patients?? He seems like a Peter Sellars character.

I have known this type and agree with the others that this man is not meeting your needs.

I can understand why you want to go through it all on here.

I wouldn’t question why he is a doctor. Rather, why is he a locum doctor?

In my experience, locums (not all, but many) have a reason for working that way, and it’s not always about work-life balance.

I am also baffled why so many people are surprised that doctors (and other NHS clinicians) can have v poor mental health. If anything, there are conditions of their roles that make it more likely (huge feelings of responsibility, regular exposure to traumatic experiences and loss, shift work and long hours, poor social structures outside work... etc etc)

@Eckhart thanks, I certainly have questioned myself over this and one thing is for sure I will not doubt myself again. I knew early on after a couple of dates that he was cold and uncaring except to his mum where it was the other extreme.

@onyourway a colleague suggested that to him only a week ago!

He sounds a bit narcissistic to me. He's the only one who matters and by extension, his mum. You and your gran are not worthy of concern. Nor the disabled child. Horrific attitude to have for anyone, let alone a doctor. I feel sorry for his patients.

OP, I had to end the relationship I had with the doctor I was telling you about for similar reasons. He was lovely and very funny. But he also said some very cold comments, he was very fragile with OCD, and he used to order me around a lot because he needed to feel in control.

It made me very sad at the time. But I don't regret it.

Someone who says disabled children are a waste of resources are not nice kind or empathetic. All essential qualities in a partner for me. So get rid I say. Nasty piece of work

@TreasurySr I hope you get this sorted, some of these comments are really uncalled for and bloody rude!!

@TreasurySr

I found it to be quite a burden lifted, when I realised I didn't have to try to 'work out' whether people's behaviour was OK or not, and I could just follow through with what I felt. It takes the burden off explaining your reasons too. 'I don't like the way I feel' covers everything, avoids blaming the other person, and can't be debated.

I knew early on after a couple of dates that he was cold and uncaring except to his mum where it was the other extreme

The signs are always there right at the start!

He sounds pretty awful, just from the comment about disabled children. But only you know how much you like him and if that outweighs the things that annoy you
I wonder if you could sit down and have a discussion with him about the health anxiety- tell him from your perspective he is definitely not on top of it and you can feel it is impacting your relationship. There is so much help out there and maybe that would be the answer for you. He’ll need a lot of support through that though so I guess consider if that’s something you’re willing to do (I don’t mean that rudely at all).

I don’t know why you think it odd that it is being questioned whether he is a doctor. How can he be working safely when he has an untreated and uncontrolled mental illness? How can that be permitted when it is known to his employees? Health anxiety and OCD could skew his professional judgment and result in him taking decisions that put his interests over those of his patients. That you are apparently also a doctor and so blase about this is seriously concerning. To say that doctors are people too is ridiculous- you should be reporting him for the safety of his patients, as he clearly needs help.
Aside from that, end it this weekend. The guy is a complete loser, which you already know.

@Gcgjiut

I don’t know why you think it odd that it is being questioned whether he is a doctor. How can he be working safely when he has an untreated and uncontrolled mental illness? How can that be permitted when it is known to his employees? Health anxiety and OCD could skew his professional judgment and result in him taking decisions that put his interests over those of his patients. That you are apparently also a doctor and so blase about this is seriously concerning. To say that doctors are people too is ridiculous- you should be reporting him for the safety of his patients, as he clearly needs help. Aside from that, end it this weekend. The guy is a complete loser, which you already know.

A lot of doctors, nurses, and paramedics develop PTSD from their line of work. It doesn't mean that they are not able to treat patients safely.

I don’t know why you think it odd that it is being questioned whether he is a doctor

Because there is no requirement for a doctor to be in peak condition, and if health anxiety wouldn't prevent him from doing any other job, why should it prevent him from being a doctor? Thinking his penis has changed colour isn't going to affect the way he diagnoses patients.

IME a lot of people hold the same views on disabled children, it’s just that most don’t air those opinions out loud. Some will even state how disgusting it is that someone said it while internally agreeing with them.

Often it’s about quality of life though, not necessarily a belief that disability should be outlawed.

But you only have to look at how many pregnancies are terminated due to disability to see that the societal view still very much leans to having as little disability as possible in the world.

Your posts indicate a man enmeshed with his Mother. His personality is that of two men I know who are enmeshed. The lack of empathy, the narc qualities, the coldness, the pretend arrogance, lack of friends, are linked to being told from birth that their primary concern in life should be their Mother. They don't develop emotionally. He probably is a Doctor because his Mother choose that for him.

I'd let this one go. It's not a relationship anyway. Maybe look at why you were with someone who didn't meet any of your needs and yet you continued. See if this is linked to how you were treated in childhood and delve into it, take a break, before your next relationship.

I think I’m going to leave this thread now...good luck to those who believe doctors have zero issues! And yes his comment was about quality of life not about outlawing disability. But again it’s not the point of the post.

Thanks to those who have helpfully replied rather than pick apart whether or not someone can practise as a doctor with mental health issues...MN is surprisingly naive sometimes.

I’m off to go pack my bags. Thanks again to those who talked this through.