New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

For goodness sake, people are being really silly on this thread. My DH and most of my friends are doctors. Plenty of them have mental health issues of their own. You do realise that they are just normal people, right? Normal people who are under immense amounts of stress for the majority of their career.

MN has gotten really nasty recently. I'm sorry that you didn't get much support on this thread OP. Lock down must be making people go a bit weird...

He cared more about his precious penis than he does about you.

For goodness sake, people are being really silly on this thread. My DH and most of my friends are doctors. Plenty of them have mental health issues of their own. You do realise that they are just normal people, right? Normal people who are under immense amounts of stress for the majority of their career.

This x1000.
There is no reason, based on what the OP said, that this dr shouldn’t be practicing. If you want to wheedle out every dr with a MH issue or some slightly off centre view points you literally won’t have any drs left.

Good luck OP - so glad you've got your own place to move home to. Well done on being so decisive as this man sounds incredibly odd and unpleasant.

*My DH did have this-a sudden discolouration- was refereed immediately to a consultant by the GP (within days)

Signs and symptoms of penile cancer can include: ......changes in the colour of the skin, such as a redness, white patches or areas that look blueish, brown or black in colour. discharge or bleeding.*

Didn't know this! Can't blame doctor for getting a bit paranoid knowing everything that can go wrong 😱

@JudyGemstone
‘’
There is zero here to suggest that. NPD maybe, OCPD maybe, but BPD? No way and the only person to say so is you. Which makes me think you don't know what the difference is between BPD and other cluster B personality disorders.‘’

You have no idea what I know about BDP and other disorders

Considering we’ve only got a tiny snippet from the op to a whole humans personality know one can diagnose him with a disorder , including you

However, what I said was the lack of empathy and being self absorbed with his own concerns and then being needy are quite typical traits of a person with BDP

@Gcgjiut

How can a doctor properly care for a patient when their own mental health issues will cause them to be avoidant

In the same way that someone who struggles in their relationship can be able to give good relationship advice to others, or in the same way as physically unhealthy people can be successful sports coaches.

You don't have to practice something in your own life in order to advise others about it. This concept is not rocket science. You're probably giving your kids advice about how to deal with things at school; do you go to school?

@Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly

OP, why don't you play the Culture Club song and sing: "Karma karma karma your cock's a chameleon........it's time to go, it's time to go-oh-oh-oh".

Thanks for this comment Life. My poor dog is currently covered in a mouthful of coffee because I spat it out after reading this. It’s taken me a full 5 mins to stop laughing and I’m pretty sure i woke the neighbours up 😂

"Medical students' disease (also known as second year syndrome or intern's syndrome) is a condition frequently reported in medical students, who perceive themselves to be experiencing the symptoms of a disease that they are studying.
The condition is associated with the fear of contracting the disease in question.

Some authors suggested that the condition must be referred to as nosophobiaa[1][2] rather than "hypochondriasis", because the quoted studies show a very low percentage of hypochondriacall character of the condition, and hence the term "hypochondriasis" would have ominous therapeutic and prognostic indications. The reference[1] suggests that the condition is associated with immediate preoccupation with the symptoms in question, leading the student to become unduly aware of various casual psychological and physiological dysfunctions; cases show little correlation with the severity of psychopathologyy*, but rather with accidental factors related to learning and experience."

^^ seems when doctors have these concerns it's not true hypochondria and I doubt it would interfere with their work.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicalstudents''_disease

*Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly
OP, why don't you play the Culture Club song and sing: "Karma karma karma your cock's a chameleon........it's time to go, it's time to go-oh-oh-oh".*

😂😂😂😂😂

Six months into a relationship is too early to move in together, IMHO.

He sounds self absorbed and very unempathic. The comments about the disabled child as well as the laziness/thoughtlessness regarding the birthday present would have been deal-breakers for me. I couldn't have shared a bed or become intimate with him after that.

Yeah he is a nutcase leave him pls

[quote Onedropbeat]@JudyGemstone
‘’
There is zero here to suggest that. NPD maybe, OCPD maybe, but BPD? No way and the only person to say so is you. Which makes me think you don't know what the difference is between BPD and other cluster B personality disorders.‘’

You have no idea what I know about BDP and other disorders

Considering we’ve only got a tiny snippet from the op to a whole humans personality know one can diagnose him with a disorder , including you

However, what I said was the lack of empathy and being self absorbed with his own concerns and then being needy are quite typical traits of a person with BDP[/quote]
I'm sorry but you're just wrong.

Lack of empathy is the opposite of what BPD is about. They generally feel things very deeply and have a thinner skin in terms of sensitivity to all the horrible stuff that goes on in the world, which can seem overwhelming. They can certainly struggle with interpersonal relationships but it's not through a lack of empathy, but through not having learned the skills to communicate their needs in an appropriate way.

I am a psychotherapist who runs DBT skills groups for people with this dx, I know what I am talking about.

Six months is only too early to move in with the wrong man! Dh moved in after 3 months of first date 15 years of happy marriage and two kids later...

The statement about the child worries me greatly as he is a doctor. I hope I don’t see him in a and e. Tell him to get some counselling and to change his job if he thinks treating disabled kids is a waste of resources.

@JudyGemstone
Well I’m shocked you are a psychotherapist and can categorically say someone with BDP doesn’t have lack of empathy

Yes the sensitivity is a big part too, which can come out in the ways Op has described (the needing to speak to his mother and the concern for his own issues)

@TreasurySr
FaceTiming his mum
I don't think that having a close relationship with his mum is an issue. Other than if you wish to compete for his affections.

obsesses a lot over her health it sounds as though his job has led to a lot of anxieties regarding health matters. Knowledge is power for some, for others too much is a bad thing, and right now in terms of his MH wellbeing that's where he is. If he believes it's under control or doesn't see the issue then you cannot change this. Equally, I see the photographing as a way of managing his concerns practically.

waste of nhs resources Did he mention quality of life? Rationing of NHS resources as part of a bigger discussion? Linked to a discussion about how sometimes being able to keep someone alive isn't always in their best interests?

hasn’t even asked how she is have you mentioned her again? Have you portrayed that you're already psychologically prepared in the same way as it came across on here?

Is there any possibility your oh is on the asd spectrum?

Birthday gifts - some people aren't great. You've said he's thoughtful in other ways. So unless you've suggested gifts you'd like, maybe he needs guiding? Is this his first "proper" relationship?

@MsTSwift

I think the point is that it's too soon to know whether they're the right person or not, because you haven't had enough time to see them in a wide variety of situations/issues in life. That doesn't mean that everyone who does it will be with the wrong person. As you know

[quote Onedropbeat]@JudyGemstone
Well I’m shocked you are a psychotherapist and can categorically say someone with BDP doesn’t have lack of empathy

Yes the sensitivity is a big part too, which can come out in the ways Op has described (the needing to speak to his mother and the concern for his own issues)[/quote]
I'm shocked that only there's 3 letters in BPD and you still can't spell it correctly.

But seriously, I haven't worked with so many people with this dx over the years and I really wouldn't say that lack of empathy is an over riding characteristic at all.

Fear of abandonment yes, emotional dysregulation yes, self harm and suicidal ideation yes. Lack of empathy is not in the dx criteria though. It is in some other types of personality disorders. I think you're getting a bit mixed up.

I am a stuck on the bit where the OP says he has a photograph album of his dick pics. I hope he doesn't leave it out when visitors come.

You are doing the right thing moving out, OP.

FaceTiming his mum
I don't think that having a close relationship with his mum is an issue. Other than if you wish to compete for his affections.

He stopped mid sex in case his mother called. That's not just close, that's plain fucking weird.

@AllFanjoAndNoSnickers

I am a stuck on the bit where the OP says he has a photograph album of his dick pics. I hope he doesn't leave it out when visitors come.

You are doing the right thing moving out, OP.

That would be quite a talking talk. A change from the usual coffee table books.