New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

[quote TreasurySr]@MajorMujer oh that’s what its about. Yes he regularly worries that it is damaged or bruised in some way.[/quote]
Have you tried telling him that if he stopped pulling it about every five minutes, it wouldn't change colour so often?

(He sounds a wally, get shot before you become his next Mummy, by the way).

@anxiiousone thanks

I agree as an ex nurse myself who mainly worked in elderly care I came across a lot of hcps with similar views regarding patients with limited quality of life being kept alive and even at points felt that way myself.

There were patients I cared for who were suffering and in great pain but being kept alive mainly to assuage the guilt of the deciding relatives - unpalatable maybe, true definitely! It was more about relatives not being "ready" to let the person go regardless of how the patient was suffering.

That's a whole other thread really though as it feeds into medical ethics, who decides, and our cultural DEEP discomfort and verging on clinical denial that death and dying is part of life. It's unavoidable and some unfortunately will die before reaching close to a "normal" lifespan.

I have relatives with life limiting conditions, they're far more realistic and very clear about their wishes to the point of making detailed "living wills" and having DNR notifications and have had detailed discussion with their gps and assigning the least emotive relatives who are most likely to adhere to their wishes as their advocates.

I'm in relatively good health physically at the moment in these terms (I have a physical disability due to a car accident that affects my nerves and is mainly a pain issue, plus serious mh issues) but I have made clear to dd my wishes regarding if anything were to happen to me that left me in a vegetative state, unable to communicate but in lots of pain etc what my wishes are, also my wishes regarding organ donation, funeral style etc we shouldn't shy away from these things.

I think he might be better suited to a research role, frankly.

a colleague suggested that to him only a week ago!

I agree, the thought of this guy dealing with patients and families on possibly the worst day of their lives is seriously concerning!

It's unfortunately VERY difficult to get rid of bad clinicians

@Gcgjiut You have a very poor grasp on how it works! and a frankly disgusting and combative attitude to the op which I HAVE reported!

I'd argue if every clinician with a dx mh condition was prevented from working AS a clinician the nhs and patients would be FUCKED! Healthcare workers are at significantly higher risk of mh conditions BECAUSE of the nature of their jobs!

People with mental illness absolutely can and do make good hcps - I was a nurse for 7 years with active ocd. It made me a bloody good nurse, my patients were well cared for - not just my assessment - and had the lowest acquired infection rates! There are many hcps working and being excellent hcps while suffering from depression, anxiety, ocd, health anxiety, eating disorders and even conditions like bipolar. Doesn't make them any less capable, and often makes them MORE empathic as they can relate to patients own stresses and anxieties.

Indeed a level of arrogance/narcissism is even necessary for some roles! Or they'd not be able to eg cut open the heart of patient, amputate a limb, inject the heart, deliver the worst news (we had a whole day of specific training on that one!)

The surgeon I had who removed my ectopic pregnancy had a dreadful "bedside manner" which my then husband balked at but I actually found it much easier to be able to ask straight questions and get straight answers as to what I was facing, she actually managed to remove the embryo and other tissue while leaving the tube intact - that takes an immense amount of skill and was the best possible outcome. I'd have her 10 times over and twice on Sunday's rather than one with a better bedside manner but who didn't have the skill to leave the tube in place and still functioning! Even one of the nurses apologised for her manner and I said no need, she clearly knows her job and my case well and that's more important.

Don't doctors have any psychological screening before they are let loose on unsuspecting patients??

😂😂😂😂

Er...no basically!

During my nurse training we had modules on mh/psychology, excepting the one trainer/lecturer who had been a mh nurse the others made no disguise of the fact that they thought that even doing the modules was a huge waste of their time! That should give you some idea of how most hcps feel about mental illness in patients let alone colleagues!

@TheDaydreamBelievers exactly!

@Eckhart excellent posts as usual

@Lovemusic33 you REALLY need to rtft!

@MrDarcysMa you also, many hcps have similar views and I agree with pp who said many lay people do too they just don't admit it. I've even got friends and family who HAVE disabled children with similar views, it's not callous to consider that quality of life (particularly when high levels of pain may be a factor) is important in such discussions and decisions. I've been with parents when they have made such heartbreaking but ultimately correct decisions.

Again our cultural attitude towards this is appalling, rather than discuss it we ignore it and leave such families lacking the ability or forums to get much needed advice and support

How can one trust him to put 100% into saving a life of such a child as a doctor in A&E? I couldn't. actually I'd trust a dr like that more than a more empathic dr, more likely to be honest about the effects of treatment ON THE PATIENT than tiptoeing around the FEELINGS of the parents, also hcps like this tend to be stringent rule followers and wouldn't give any but the most ethical, excellent quality care. I suspect he's very good at the skills side of things.

Some posters have very odd and unrealistic ideas of what it takes to make a good hcp.

Op glad you've made the right decision for you. Good luck to you, you sound lovely and I'm sure when the time is right you'll meet the person for you

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources hmm he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!
That would be me out. Do you want kids? What is you have a serious accident and have a significant disability and he's in charge of keeping you alive?

Are you actually leaving? You've posted about him more than once before and on your previous threads you were told to dump him. Why didn't you follow that advice that you asked for? How many times are you going to waste people's time asking the same bloody question and ignoring the answers? Pretty sure you were ending it last time too. Or are you just a fantasist.

@Graphista

If MH issues are not controlled and can impact patient care there is a real risk of negligence. This must be reported, particularly where the person with the knowledge is themselves a HCP. It is a fundamental professional responsibility.

First off he sounds like he isn’t in control over his health anxiety and is obsessing.

That comment over the children is sick and twisted.

Also if he’s an A&E doctor I hope he never helps any of the conditions I have. Doctors are supposed to be kind and considerate he just sounds like a nasty arsehole.

For the avoidance of doubt: the General Medical Council sets out the reporting duties of doctors registered with the GMC.

www.gmc-uk.org/-/media/documents/raising-and-acting-on-concerns-about-patient-safety---english-0617_pdf-48902813.pdf?la=en&hash=FB640A4DD572F0212BE069FE5EE46ECC4112D68A

So happy to hear that this person is a doctor and potentially trying to save kids lives. He shouldn’t be working if he’s like this. He isn’t right. He needs to be solid and stable if he’s being trusted with peoples lives. How does somebody this weird end up in this job. He needs help and he needs to be doing a non stress job where he’s not in contact with the public. You should actually be reporting him to the GMC for a fitness to practice assessment. You are personally negligent and responsible if you don’t do this. When he kills somebody because of his mental health problems then I hope you can live with yourself. Sort yourself out.

I honestly think in situations like this that mumsnet should be sending threads like this to the police and this person is tracked down. This guy should be suspended from his job immediately. Do you really think he should be allowed to treat disabled kids that go into A&E OP?

@Gcgjiut yes IF it actually is impacting patient care negatively - there's absolutely NO indication that's the case here and in the vast majority of cases of hcps with mh conditions it won't be either

Your prejudice against the mentally ill is horrifying

First things first, you have both seen things that are rather stressful so he is bound to be anxious, and this is how he handles it, and he seeks reassurance from his mum probably, it's great they are close. I am nearly 50 and I still speak to my mum for long periods of time every day almost why? Because of the pandemic and because I have health issues and we are 2000 miles apart and like you two, fully aware life can be taken away from you very, very quickly. But, have his actions lessened your attraction to him? You moved in quickly and it sounds like you both do enjoy your time together, so that's good, but maybe the little things you mention is something you are questioning because it's not manly? I personally think you might want to ask him if you haven't already, and I am so sorry you two are jot allowed anxiety just because you are doctors, I mean how dare you get ill or mental illness? These are daft comments and people are ill advised.

@Muchadoaboutlife

This guy should be suspended from his job immediately

Has he actually done something wrong at work, then? What was it? Or do you think the thought police should deal with this one?

Has it occurred to you that with the following : Health anxiety, OCD, ruminating thoughts of mother calling (during sex) inability to cope with shift work, lack of filter, dislike of intimate closeness /touch, seemingly cold, lack of regard for others that he might be AUTISTIC?..... He's most definately not neurotypical is he.

Tell him you think his Willie has changed as your parting words when you go!

@AlwaysCheddar 😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Muchadoaboutlife luckily we don't have the thought police in this country. Someone is allowed to have a view and frankly his view on severely disabled children is one that many people share.

He seems like a really good partner and son. What exactly are you complaining about?!

@Graphista
So you don't like prejudice against people with mental health issues (although it may well impact on their ability to do their job properly ) but it is okay to be prejudice against children with complex needs ?

I have 2 children with complex needs who require a lot of medical support and interventions . But they are not in pain and have a good quality of life on the whole.
I would hate health care professionals like this man ( and indeed you ) to care for them. Your prejudices would impact on your ability to make decisions in their interests in my opinion.
I don't need patronising people to tiptoe around my feelings thanks. My only concern is my kids wellbeing and like most families in that position I am the person most qualified to make those very difficult decisions for myself.

If we are going to moan about the money spent by the NHS on children who have complex needs through no fault of their own maybe we should stop treating all the people who need help due to their own actions such as drug addicts, alcoholics , smokers etc , not to mention people who injure themselves in the pursuit of dangerous sports etc. Oh and all the overweight or course .
Lots of people need treatment for self inflicted reasons so should we stop treating them as well ?
You see it is a slippery slope isn't it because you are deciding who is worthy of help and who isn't. Playing God in other words,

I'm sorry to hear about your gran and I'd be hurt he's not mentioned her. He seems pretty cold and lacking in intimacy - it doesn't sound like you're compatible. Good luck OP. I guess there are lots of people who have ended up living together sooner than they normally would due to covid restrictions.

Your prejudices would impact on your ability to make decisions in their interests in my opinion

You are placing a lot of weight on opinion. His opinion doesn't change the legal obligations of his post, or whether he is able to care for the children he speaks of.

I have an elderly relative with very poor quality of life, who has been exhausted for years and wishes he could be euthanised. He and I have had many painful conversations about this, and finally, I agree: he'd be better off dead. But that doesn't mean that when I see him, I want to kill him. In fact it means I'm more caring, because offering him any quality in his life is worth a go.

Thinking that sometimes a person would be better off dead, and the resources used on someone who could actually be helped towards improvement, doesn't make you a risk to that person. It can be a sign of empathy that few are willing to face.

@flapjackfairy while I appreciate the comments may have hit a nerve, I am absolutely NOT prejudiced against disabled children what a nasty, offensive and inaccurate comment!

I have nursed a number of disabled children and adults and gave them the very best of care and treated them with compassion and respect at all times. Their families and they were most complimentary of the care they received and 2 of the families even stayed in touch with me after leaving my care (Xmas and birthday cards, updates on progress), sadly 1 passed on not long after this having developed complications following surgery. I attended the funeral as requested.

Not all with severe disabilities are pain free or not in severe pain and have a good quality of life.

My opinions on this are NOTHING to do with funding/cost and EVERYTHING To do with what's actually best for the PATIENT.

SOME parents and relatives push for their loved ones to continue receiving life extending treatment, even when those patients are in extreme pain and have little to no quality of life.

THAT is what I - and many hcps actually - think warrants discussion which is largely not happening as so many consider even DISCUSSING it distasteful.

The result is many patients spend the end of their lives in great pain and suffering not for their benefit but to salve the consciences and feelings of their relatives.

Myself and many hcps will have witnessed this many times and it's utterly heartbreaking.

I am ALLOWED to hold that opinion WITHOUT being spoken of the way you have of me. Totally uncalled for and I suspect you really just wanted to shut me and others with similar opinions down.

It's far from easy parenting a disabled child I know, my own dd has a disability (though fortunately manages it well at the moment the major problems are likely to come as she ages) and I have also supported friends and family with fairly severely disabled children - physical and learning disabilities, including babysitting them (they struggle to get babysitters as many feel overwhelmed and reluctant in case they do something "wrong" my training and my experience - both as a nurse and with these specific children who I have known since birth - in 1 case I was the one to speak to the parent and first suggest there might be a pathology that needed identifying and what I thought it was and they then were assessed and dx and now receive appropriate care and treatment - which meant I knew how to care for them and I knew how to manage their specific preferences etc) and have 2 friends who are now adults who have conditions that are very debilitating and even they are more open to this discussion and even raise it on occasions themselves when they're having a particularly trying time and indeed have advised their medical advocates of which point they would no longer wish heroic measures to be taken.

They've thought long and hard because it directly affects them.

There's a huge variation in disabilities, the effects of those conditions even when it's dx wise the "Same" condition on the patients, in treatments and their efficacy for each patient, how patients respond etc etc

Each patient deserves individualised, patient centred care that isn't influenced to the detriment of the patient by relatives wishes.

Regarding mental illness as I said in earlier post it's not a foregone conclusion that ANY hcp with a mental illness WILL be unable to do their jobs to a high standard. Indeed people with certain mental illnesses may well be more conscientious than others!