New DP and behaviours. Time to leave or am I being dramatic?!

[TreasurySr]

We moved in after 6 months because of lockdown. I’ve got to know him very fast because of it. These things are bothering me and I can sometimes over analyse so not sure if I’m reading into it all but here goes..

Whenever i leave the house for food shopping (usually) I get back and he is FaceTiming his mum. He will do this for hours at a time and obsesses a lot over her health (she’s currently fine so no particular reason to, and it’s not about covid but about anything to do with her health). One time he called her and she said she was eating dinner so she’d call back later. We started kissing and he stopped sex as he was worried she would call back in the middle of it..

He photos his body parts to check they haven’t changed. This is health and appearance related. Sometimes he even asks me things directly, he gets bothered that his penis looks a different colour. It never does, he just obsesses over it.

When children in need was one (prompted me to post!), he commented about one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources he’s a doctor and this made me feel really sad!

My gran is currently very unwell with dementia and we’ve been told she will probably die in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been prepared for this for the last year as she’s been getting worse, but my partner hasn’t even asked how she is since we learned she was in hospital on Tuesday.

It’s my birthday soon and recently he said he’d transfer some money to me as it was easier...I’d much prefer something thoughtful than a bank transfer but haven’t said anything as I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much? He’s good it lots of ways, cooks every night, we can talk about work together, he’s intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humour. Are these most things I’m focusing on as we are in the house so much? Maybe I wouldn’t notice as much otherwise? Also he does have health anxiety and OCD before anyone points that out but he’s adamant he’s on top of it these days and won’t seek help for that stuff.

The only mistress in his life is his Mother.
You will never take her place. You are merely a provider of care for him. You are an object in the room that he uses like a mirror to see how he looks.
He needs someone to make sure he doesn't get sick while his real Mummy isn't there. I suspect he fears being alone.
He is entirely self absorbed that's why he doesn't think to ask you about yourself.

@Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly

OP, why don't you play the Culture Club song and sing: "Karma karma karma your cock's a chameleon........it's time to go, it's time to go-oh-oh-oh".

[quote TreasurySr]@TwentyViginti yes I agree. He’s very proud of his job though and actually filmed people clapping during the pandemic and uploaded it to Instagram saying ‘the people clapping for me.’ I went off him a bit then too.[/quote]
That would finish it for me. Ugh.

He sounds terrifying to be honest 😳

In light of the recent Lucy Letby case, a doctor who considers a vulnerable child "a drain on the NHS and a waste of time" sounds incredibly dangerous!!!
He does not sound stable enough to be practising medicine....

Doctors are just humans and have their eccentricities and mental health issues like everyone else, surprised at anyone questioning that. it sounds like you are making the right decision though OP, and really lockdown rushed you into something that wasn't right which is understandable. I am very sorry about your gran

[quote TreasurySr]@TwentyViginti aside from the fact it’s quite sad that instead of helping me think through a situation I am in, you choose to question me on a minor fact, yes he is a doctor, he works in a and e, and yes doctors can suffer with health anxiety. I’m bemused as to why that is so astonishing tbh. I am a doctor also, so maybe I am closer to it so it doesn’t seem strange to me, but surely you know doctors are just people and suffer with mental health just like anyone else [/quote]
My adopted dad is a (retired) doctor. Quite elderly now.
He takes his own blood pressure about 20 times a day and writes it down in a little notebook. Doesn’t do anything with the data, and doesn’t have any particular blood pressure related concerns, he just seems to get some kind of comfort from keeping the log and comparing the figures.
Bet if he was your boyfriend’s age he’d be logging photographs...

So I would probably give your b/f a a pass on that one.

The birthday present is annoying, you are in the early phase so yes, I would want him to pick something out rather than it being a straight cash transaction - you aren’t his teenage offspring! But, lockdown, NHS job, I might let it slide and see how Xmas pans out...

But stopping sex just in case his mam calls? Being callous about disabled kiddies? Not asking about your frail gran? I’d cut him loose on those.

I reckon another month and he’ll do something small and relatively insignificant that gives you The Ick.

And once you’ve felt The Ick, there is no going back, doesn’t matter how intelligent he is or how good he is at cooking.

Hmm.. did you stumble across the pictures that he has taken of himself? It sounds like he may have taken pics to send to someone else then explained it as "taking them to compare colour as he is worried about the colour change" I'm a bit paranoid though so don't listen to me.. 😅 but something to consider?

I've dated an emergency medicine doctor who was a neurotic mess. I'm amazed people aren't surprised that he has horrendous health anxiety.

Imagine how many people he's seen die seemingly out of the blue?

There are so many deal breakers here. The shit sex, the thoughtlessness about your birthday, the lack of support re your grandmother...

He sounds awful but don’t be hard on yourself for moving into his as lockdown has put so many people in this speeded up living situation.

You deserve a supportive, caring partner, as well as a fulfilling sex life. I’m sorry your Grandmother is so ill. Be kind to yourself.

He sounds like someone with borderline personality disorder

The narcissism and lack of empathy

Such a shame someone how you describe is a doctor

one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources

A DOCTOR thinks this? A DOCTOR? Who works in A & E?

I very much hope that I never encounter him. What a vile and disgusting human being

I'm appalled and shocked that you (also a supposedly 'caring' person ) would remain in a relationship with such a horrible person

Thanks for these posts, it’s definitely confirmed that I’m not crazy for questioning it. @Inkpaperstars I’m also amazed people have questioned the fact he’s a doctor. Just goes to show how embarrassing it is when people make assumptions about others based on their job title! It’s the strangest thing to have come out of this thread.

@Duemarch2021 no he showed me the photos in an album and wanted me to compare. I highly doubt he’d sent them elsewhere. Let’s just say they were not the most attractive! Literally taken to gauge colour and bruising, of which there was always none.

@greenspacesoverthere he made this comment less than twenty four hours ago. Give me a break...

Good luck on ending it OP, he sounds utterly abhorrent

Some people seem to think doctors are some sort of superior other worldly race they really are not met plenty of weird annoying doctors socially can well believe the op.

@MsTSwift thanks. Having to defend myself over that has been quite frustrating tbh! Makes me feel like he just gets away with this while others have an assumption he could never behave that way!! He is incredibly cold about his work, but arrogant too. His mum says it makes him a better doctor as he doesn’t ‘waste time’ with bedside manner but gets the job done. The first time I heard him take a call when on call he shouted at some poor foreign doctor saying he shouldn’t be wasting his time with the query he’d raised he then dealt with the question. I actually did call him out on that and his answer was that he wasn’t there to answer questions that the gentleman should in his view, already know. He’s insanely arrogant at times.

@TreasurySr

His views on medicine are that it’s a science and people die. He’s very detached from it and makes that known to most people, it’s certainly not something he hides. Some do see medicine that way. I don’t think it’s actually that unusual. That said, it’s not a trait I like in him and wish I’d noticed it at the start

Ageee from first hand experience.

Do you think he’s slightly autistic?

@GreySkyClouds not sure about autism. I don’t think so tbh. He doesn’t have friends really. He has someone from school but that’s speaking maybe once a year. He’s 38 but hangs around mostly with 25 year olds who he supervises at work. Even those friendships are very surface level.

he made this comment less than twenty four hours ago. Give me a break...

You have been in a relationship with him for Some time and you've only just discovered he's a sociopath? No other clues? I'm afraid I don't buy any of this.

I worked for a psychiatrist (they have to qualify as doctors and then train for psych) once who was fixated on his weight. He kept scales in his office and jumped on and off them several times a day!

@anxiiousone I can well believe it! Whilst I’m massively surprised (and sad) people have queried this because he’s a doctor, that part was incidental to my post and I’m grateful for those who have talked through the behaviour!

@greenspacesoverthere I can almost guarantee at some point you’ll discover doctors aren’t as flawless as you may wish to believe. I hope it isn’t in a medical context and I hope you reflect on dismissing treatment of a woman in this way.

There are LOTS of things in all your posts that are quite concerning.

His obsession with his mother is not healthy.

His lack of empathy and how he is so disconnected from emotion with you.

His words about the child who is disabled.

The photos. The videos. All so self absorbed.

Just so so much wrong here.

Having a disabled child myself it cuts a little deeper reading this. My own dh is SO proud of our dd, it would break my heart if he even thought like this, what happenes if you have a child with a disability. I get there are people who think like this, sure I've a sister who can't understand why I don't put my dd in a home, I've had comments from doctors that would make your eyes water, these people don't see my dd as a person with feelings and emotions and a right to life but these people I don't have in my life by choice, the doctors is only for a few hours each year my sister maybe once a year and I keep dd away from her, I would never choose to have someone like this in my life.

If these things are concerning now imagine a few years time, you'll be up the walls with the stress of it all as you'll have had years of it.

Sometimes when we are in the middle of something we can't see what's happening, these things might come across as small if wrote on their own but looking at them all together it's actually quite worrying. There's something sinister about his behaviour, tbh I'd be concerned enough to re consider the relationship, there will be somone else out there that is more suitable for you.

@Hazelnutlatteplease

one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources

For this statement alone I would have sent him packing. Instantly. Before he even had the chance continue.

Vile man

Agreed. Vile man. Yuk. LTB

@greenspacesoverthere

one of the severely disabled kids (the charity advert part) that it was a total waste keeping them here and it was a waste of nhs resources

A DOCTOR thinks this? A DOCTOR? Who works in A & E?

I very much hope that I never encounter him. What a vile and disgusting human being

I'm appalled and shocked that you (also a supposedly 'caring' person ) would remain in a relationship with such a horrible person

You'd be surprised at how many in the caring professions have their own private thoughts about disability, IVF, terminations, elderly living so long.

They are humans not saints. If anything, seeing everything they see can desensitise them.

I worked a couple of years as a HCA when I started a nursing degree which I later packed in. My main reason was I was TOO emotional (not good). Couldn't stop thinking about the elderly patients I was caring for and feeling depressed.

I knew another psychiatrist who had a complete nervous breakdown. They are humans who have the same frailties and worries we all do.