Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

Oh, OP I feel heart sorry for you. I remember that feeling of shock at finding out and it's so awful. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much better. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

Oh my god you poor thing

Many of us have been here

Please keep head up

It gets better

At least you didn't marry him or buy a home later this year with him

Poor you

2021 will be so much better

Have lots of treats lined up this weekend

Wow. He’s not coming back till July? Doesn’t that say it all? Won’t that he nearly two years away?

Sorry op, you’ve been treated horribly by this man. Please don’t take him back, you deserve so much better

So sorry you are going through this OP.

But at least all you need to do is block him and that's it, put his fecking pictures in the bin, seen as yours were good enough for a drawer, and forget about him, he's not worth your tears.
What a snake.

Delighted your son is going to be ok xx

I was kind of thinking this could possibly be salvaged but not now your update has revealed he didn't even mention you to her until a few weeks ago!! Not once on all those friendly hikes!!
So sorry that you now haven't got him for the support you thought you had but he's a lying toad and can never be trusted again so be thankful you have found out before you set up home with him. xx

❤️ I’m so sorry for you in this sad time. You need to walk away from all that are causing you hurt, try to get your strength back and focus on your family and the future.
Delete all the horrid people from your life and social media.
I have been through similar as you and yes it hurts.
Sending positive vibes your way 💐

I'm glad you've got RL support here and distance. Moving forward is going to be key for you. Focus on your finances and take yourself out of contact with him while YOU decide what is happening.

I realise you'll be going round in circles wondering what's happening. It sounds as though he was having his cake and eating it, she realised she'd always be second fiddle and decided to get angry with him and exact some revenge. Horrible for you, but he's not loyal, you know that now. If his job would involve future distant roles you know he's not a reliable one.

@ohmanseriously

There is nothing practical to unravel. Finances were kept separate. Although it leaves me screwed because he was my financial security because of the covid situation all my savings are gone.

AS she was phoning me, he was also phoning me and it was obvious she was outside his house banging and screaming and trying to smash his door in. After 4 hours of this, the police arrived and took her away (neighbours called them).

I have no anger at her - it's not her fault and I feel bad for her as he's screwed us both. But the impression is she was sex on the side and she always knew he had a partner.

I've not blocked either one yet as I was trying to get the truth sorted and make sure stories matched.

I feel a bit like going through thinking my child might have cancer and then finding out so recently that he didn't, that I can't muster the energy to feel sad or upset about this.

I mean, it's awful and I realise my brain must be very strained and I really did love my partner and trusted him completely, but it feels a bit like with all the horror in the world, if he can't love me enough not to do this then it's not worth it.

Loved ones are so precious - I can't understand why anyone would voluntarily do this

I am just sorry that I lost my best friend and it's going to be difficult.

Don't dump him yet, pretend that all is forgiven...use him for financial gain and when you are in a better place...dump his ass! He was a devious twat...if he could do this when you are going through such a dreadful time then he is an awful person...She is no better, she knew he had a partner, she deserves to be treated with total and utter contempt!

I think you should end this op, this is not a relationship. The whole thing is horrible . You need to be well and get your self back on your feet. All this stress is the last thing you need .

What an absolute arsehole. I’m sorry that you are going through this op.
I’m glad your sister is supporting you.
You might not be feeling anything now but it’s possible that the various stages of grief will come. Numbness and disbelief being first.
Remember to look after yourself.

So sorry OP.

Look after yourself and your son.

I would prioritise getting yourself some income because you will feel so much stronger with some financial independence / stability. Once your savings are below the threshold will you be entitled to UC?

These men. Actually I don’t doubt that he loves you, but that isn’t enough to let ‘what he can get away with’ define his conscience rather than loyalty to you. He isn’t the first and he won’t be the last. Lucky you found out, really.

Thinking of you.

As an ex-expat, I've seen loads of men work abroad for 2 years and over to earn wads of tax free cash so as to set themselves up for life. It is a massive sacrifice on both sides of the marriage. Please don't berate the OP for this. It often works out very well all round.

He is on an island, probably somewhere hot and is a million miles away mentally. I can see how affairs happen and what happens on the island, stays on the island. That is, until the other person involved decides they want more.

The OW is defiantly NOT a nice person as you mention. She is a woman scorned, who has been told by your Ex that she is good enough to shag, but not good enough to have a relationship with, move in with etc. and that there is someone else that he prefers to do that with who is younger. Despite finding this out 3 weeks ago, she has low self esteem and worth enough to carry on until she lost the plot. Someone NICE doesn't call up the persons partner and wreck her life. She has done this in an act of revenge. What she should have done is, 3 weeks ago when she found out, dump him and kept quiet so as not to hurt anyone.

You Ex has now blown his chances.

Right now your son is your priority and getting your own health back on track and managing the rest of the pandemic effects on your business. Tell your DP you have too much on your plate right now and need some space - say 3 months, to get your head sorted and to deal with what is on your plate. You don't need this shit. Then, have your friends and family help you out as much as they can whilst you deal with the 2 main problems you have. Don't let him be a 3rd problem. Tell him you don't want to hear form him at all for 3 months.

Good post mistletroll

It sounds like you had more than your fair share of heartache.

My advice is concentrate on yourself and your son. Cut out the boyfriend, block the woman on your phone/social media.

Don't get involved any further in the drama. It is very common for guys to portray the other woman as a psycho who tricked them into an affair and look for excuses (it was a mistake, it was just casual...). Bottom line is he cheated and it is not up to you to sort out the fall out from this. Get rid.

Certainly not a relationship, you have not seen him in 14 months, I would not dwell on him, your son is your priority. Block the other 2, they are practically living together, nothing to fight for is there!

I'd tell him you'll consider forgiving him if he sends you £x amount to cover the spent savings which you used on trust that he was in a partnership with you.

Then dump him anyway.

Thanks all.

He did offer me money several times BTW, I said we would sort it out later because (a) I have had much bigger fish to fry and (b) I still had savings which have just run out.

To put all this into perspective, the plan was he would be back this year for the summer and christmas, which is tough, but I felt it would be okay because we loved each other.

When I had Covid, no one had covid before. I didn't know I would be so ill for so long. No one had any information. I expected to be better quickly, and at the time I was genuinely SO poorly I was only awake 5 or 6 hours in a day and spent all of that rolling over and doing breathing exercises because I was struggling to breathe.

Over that period, I couldn't even read or watch TV much less evaluate the impact of covid on my relationship. I thought I might die, so I just wanted to love him and be loved back rather than fighting.

I was better for only a few weeks before my son's situation happened so it's felt like a whirlwind. I didn't really have many thoughts beyond how much I loved them all and hoped we were ok. Sounds cheesy but it was like that.

It never occurred to me that he should suit his job and come home to be honest. If I'd known I would be so ill for so long maybe I would have thought of that but I really was just coping day by day.

The numbness is wearing off now and I am starting to feel this horrible weight on my chest.

Hmm - I find myself disagreeing with the ppl who say LTB right now.

Being torn apart by lockdown like that creates a very unusual situation, and it's possible that your partner sought solace with this woman partly because he was worried about you and unhappy to be away from you. Pathetic, yes, but then people often are pathetic in a crisis.

Plus, it sounds like the other woman was quite opportunistic and aggressive. My husband once got stalked by a woman who suffered from what psychiatrists apparently call 'delusion of love' - she thought they were meant to be together and that he was really of the same view and was just rejecting her as a show of dominance. It escalated to murder threats (against me and the kids, too) and an actual beating. And then it just ended one day - an endless apology message, then silence.

Of course it's different because (I really believe that) they never 'had' anything together, but the point is that ppl can be very manipulative and possessive, and your partner, away from home and from you, was in a vulnerable situation. That doesn't excuse him falling in with her, but I'd be tempted to give him a second chance.

Of course if my comparison is apt, that also means that you may have to deal with this stalker for some time if you 'take him back'. The police in the UK (where we then were) were relatively proactive about the situation, but those abroad, where the woman was, rather less so. If you consider reconciling, you may have to also get some info on how to deal with this kind of long-distance stalking.

He shouldn't have done it but it also sounds like she is trying to break you up so he gets together with her. I would be tempted to stay calm, think about what you want, then try to get yourselves into a position where that is possible. Being in the same geographical location would probably be necessary to salvage things.

Sounds like instant karma as he has to deal with the mad bunny boiler next door to him and you can just block her. Hahaha! What a chump he is. Hope you and your son are ok, OP.

I’m really sorry to be blunt but if he loves you so much and has so many pictures of you how did she not know you existed until months later if they were ‘platonic friends’? Mentioning you have a family would surely come up in conversation with even the most casual of friends. I’m really sorry OP but I think you should cut your losses here, he’s lied to you both.

TBH a relationship which is that long distance and for so long rarely lasts. you’re living completely separate lives, and it seems he took this opportunity to be single and to pursue a relationship with this woman, because he was to all intents and purposes single.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, I do, but you essentially had nothing more than phone communication and that would have been the case for almost two years. So I would stop thinking of him as your partner, and just think of him as someone you had been in touch with. That way it’s easier to detach.

How long had you been together before he left? Did you live together?

I was keeping an open mind until you mentioned him hiding your photos in a cupboard when she visited.

There's nothing drunken or accidental about that.

Take care of yourself and your boy. It's good you have family support.

Your ex is probably right, he has ruined his life.

I think you are still in shock. Don't rush any decisions, of any kind. Take care of yourself and take your time.

I hate to say it, but I knew as soon as you posted his alleged side of the story that it would turn out to be 100% grade-A bullshit. It's the same thing that every man caught out cheating says. "It was just sex, I was drunk, it was only once or twice, you're the one I love, she's crazy". Spare me. If he just had an innocent friendship with her and you're the one he really loves, why did he never, ever mention you? He positioned himself as single so that exactly this could happen.

"I love you" right now doesn't really mean he loves you. It means he still wanted you on the hook and waiting for him for now, and he doesn't like the bad feelings that his actions have caused him. Nobody who really loved you would have styled himself as single for months and hidden all your pictures and talked to you with another woman in his bed and listening.