Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

So sorry to hear this has happened to you, but what a snake

1. he put photos of you away to shag someone else
2. "he just wanted something casual"
3. he did this while you were going through something awful
4. a moment of weakness is once, to carry it on is an ongoing choice

He doesn't love you. You deserve so much better

Hes not your partner if hes sleeping with another woman while you are having the worst time of your life. Its easy to be supportive at the end of the phone isnt it . Quarantine / covid is no excuse. Fco is only advice you can travel if flights are going . It was an emergency , he could have quarantined here and been here for you.

On another note I lost my job and I am in the travel sector so I know how tough it is for hospitality as well . And your son had a major scare, so stressful. The only way is up now, you dont need this drama dragging you down , let him deal with his stalker, his fault for sleeping with her .
The best news is your boy is ok x

Just saw your update , I'd leave my 'island- " permanently if someone I loved was going through what you were .
You're not stupid or dumb ,you trusted him but he didnt deserve your trust .

OP what I'm saying is that if you meant enough to him, he would leave the island, surely they're not stopping people from leaving and returning to their home countries. I think if he was invested in the relationship, he would be here for you when you were poorly and for your son. You could have died, he would've done everything possible on earth to make it back to see you. Sorry but this wasn't a relationship, I think you need to set higher standards for yourself. The bar is so low that he literally feels like he can hold on to you whenever he gets back whilst snagging another woman at her job. Raise your standards and expect to be with a man who will meet them

What a disgusting man. You deserve better. Get rid of him.

"he did not tell her I existed until a few weeks ago"

So he treated both of you abysmally.

There genuinely is no way he could have come back though.*

Of course he could have come back.
If this is such an amazing job he must have had good skills and experience to land such a job.
With those skills he would have been able to get another job too.
This was an emergency.
But he didn't care enough.

Interesting how the fact he had a partner back home didnt come up during the platonic period. Surely that's what you would talk about with mates ....you would have said 'oh I miss the other half so much' or 'I'm so upset other half is really ill.' He clearly didn't want her/others know he was in a relationship. Either that or she is lying and she did know about you.

14 months apart - are you really surprised he’s shagged someone else?! Theres only so long you can miss someone for before you start to check out on some level.

Oh op I’m so sorry.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him

As we say up here

Aye right!

Block them both - at least for now.

You need some space to get your head together and decide exactly on next moves

You won't get the truth tonight (if ever - I'm nearly 18 years after discovering my exes affair and I still don't know the half of what happened and never will) emotions are running too high on all sides

You're not married? Which potentially from all you've said leaves you vulnerable financially at least. But yes, think about all the practical side tomorrow - mners will be more than happy to help so many of us have been there!

You may well feel numb at the moment that's normal I was the same when I read the first unambiguous text message to her (there were others before but they could possibly be explained away)

The hurt, anger and injustice will come later and not necessarily in a linear or one off way

It sounds a cliche but honestly a hot sweet tea if you drink tea will probably help, if hot drinks aren't your thing make sure you're warmly dressed and have a sweet drink of some kind, if a cold drink fruit juice is best as I fear you may be in shock and that can drop your blood sugar and your bp - the mind is more powerful than people realise. Do fluids and sugar! Sip don't gulp but keep sipping if that makes sense?

It'll also give you something to focus on.

Glad you have a good support network, invaluable.

Sleep in whatever way you can at first - I couldn't face the "marital bed" when things came to a head and I kicked him out at first so I slept on the sofa but it wasn't initially a conscious decision and I was doing so uncomfortably with just hard cushions and a throw over me after a few nights I admitted to myself I needed to do that for now and brought down pillows and a proper blanket to sleep downstairs.

If you struggle to eat/drink stick to light but nutritious options - at one point i was drinking nutrisips as I was so stressed I couldn't swallow properly - wise gp's suggestion plus multivitamin effervescent supplements that were also drinkable. As I improved I moved on to smoothies and soups and then small light snacks like scrambled eggs.

Exercise will help too.

He's following the cheaters script - only admitting to as much as he has to! I really doubt it was only occasional sex once that started with her being next door, I'm guessing forces or oil industry from your comments? Unfortunately happens a LOT in those industries - my ex was army and she was also next door - but to both of us!

Also putting the "blame" on her as if he was a hapless victim! No! He had choice he had agency in all of this!

So sorry you're going through this - but through it you will! You will come out the other side I promise.

For me, he isn’t a partner. He is or rather was a boyfriend. I’m not surprised you say it’s over. You’ve been apart almost half of your relationship. You have had a hell of time. If he wanted to be with you that much he would have come home despite you protesting to the contrary.

Cut her out of your life. Block her EVERYWHERE. You do not need this. Look, some partnerships can survive something like this, with a LOT of professional help. Some cannot, but whichever side your partnership fall under, you do not need this woman contacting you AT ALL, EVER. How dare she, tear your life up to relieve her own guilt? Or, worse, I'm betting that the affair ended, and this was vindictive action, pure, plain and simple. No matter what you ultimately decide to do, get her out of the middle of it.

Oh OP I’m so so sorry my heart breaks for you, it’s going to be shit but with time, love and support you will move on from this. Yes he may claim to love you but the trust is gone as is the respect, he only came clean because he had too, not because he chose too. Agree with the OP on him using being stuck as a slight excuse, EVERY UK citizen I know who was working abroad & wanted to get home is home and was able to get home.

I know how awful this is, I had my heart ripped to shreds 2.5 years ago by my (now ex husband) but my life is now happier than ever abs on reflection once the rose tinted specs were off he really wasn’t as fantastic as my married self thought, my life is 1000x better now.

Take some time for you and your son, keep a network of people you love and trust on speed dial when you need them and I’d strongly recommend taking some time away from communicating with both him and her, I know you want the full story but let’s be honest... you’ll likely never have that.

Infuriates me when they play the drunk card, I highly doubt he was drunk when she was popping over all the time & I doubt he was drunk the entire time your photos were hidden away, he knew full well what he was doing and I hope he regrets it for the rest of his life.

You sound like a strong, composed, smart women OP, I know you probably feel everything but those things right now but you got yourself through the shittest year or your life & you can get through this.

I’m so sorry for you. You need to put the financial implications to one side. His excuses are pitiful and I’m not sure in your shoes I could forgive. Concentrate on your son, you both deserve better.

Where is he that he couldn’t come back for fourteen months? That just doesn’t sound realistic op. I’m sorry.

I'm so sorry to read this, I've been in a very similar situation and the truth is my H was living a complete double life whilst working away and apparently it's very common.! This woman has obviously asked him to choose and drank too much and decided you need to know. Same happened to me, knocked me right off my feet. I still remember those early days of finding out.. Please be kind to yourself, get rest and switch off your phone. Sadly there's always more to come from my experience. Sending hugs xx

I think the fact he deceived her too goes against him , she feels used humiliated and devastated too, and he is the one sorry for himself

I would block her. Bide your time and make sure you are ok financially. Then leave him and never look back.

I think in these situations you only have to consider how you would react if the roles were reversed. If my DH had been seriously ill with covid and then his child faced a potentially life changing illness the last thing that would be on my mind would be shagging about.

This is a bit OT but expat communities on small islands are notorious for excess drinking and extra-marital sex. There's bugger all else to do, nowhere to go, many people - like your partner - are separated from their long term partners and adrift from their moorings, so to speak,, and it's very easy to forget about what's happening back home and for the pretend reality of island life to assume a greater importance. And the people! Megabuck expats like your partner, locals and the flotsam and jetsam that have washed up at the bar. I have lived in expat communities in various parts of the world, including small islands, and seen how easy it is for people to make really crappy, destructive choices - because it feels like time-out from real life.

But at the end of the day, you do live in the real world, and have been coping with all kinds of shit while he lies and cheats. You don't have to find any excuses for his behaviour or to forgive him. Not every expat does what he does, he could have said no.

@miimblemomble exactly that! They don't live in the real world, it's no excuse but it goes on and I'd bet my house this self obsessed man knew exactly what he was getting into! Give him no more of your time OP, you are worth more than this.

He has treated you in the most shi*ty way possible. He is weak . You are strong . Just remember you have coped all this time without him. Tell him to sling his hook. You’ll probably never trust him again .You’ve got your whole life ahead of you - with your son - and unless he’s gonna massively enhance that , why bother . Sending you a big ( virtual ) hug x

@notroundthebend

I actually look back quite fondly on my island days as I was YFS, and life just revolved around work, going to the pub, gossip and scandal of who's sleeping with who, and getting pissed on the beach with friends. Lots of fun... if you are YFS. Not so much fun for the wives / girlfriends left back at home to keep life in the real world running (and it usually was women) while their husbands partied.

14 months apart - are you really surprised he’s shagged someone else?! Theres only so long you can miss someone for before you start to check out on some level
Or find a temporary replacement.
Op you have been apart longer than a lot of relationships last.
A minority of people that work away permanently find a "temporary" partner. Others can moralise about it, but it happens. It's a coping mechanism, for being disconnected and it doesn't diminish the feelings you have for the people back at home.
Op its difficult, but the support he gave you during yours and your DS's illnesses was not diminished because of his outside activity.
I am not trying to in any way justify his actions, but IMHO his situation is not like the usual you see on here. I am sure this would not have happened if you were both together. Working away can create unique strains, these are exacerbated when things are going badly at home and you cannot help. In some ways its easier to be in the storm, than remotely watching love ones face it alone.

You have had an absolutely hellish year. But the really hellish things - your dangerous illness with Covid and your son's illness, put this in perspective. If you've only been together 3 years and he's been away for 14 months of this then effectively you were only together for a short time. You will recover. You got through all the hell without him there.He's missed his chance with someone wonderful. I suspect you will recover from him quite quickly.

He's not who you thought he was. He's a sleazy, lying chancer with no respect for women, playing the old 'She's mad, it was nothing' line about a woman he clearly has had a prolonged relationship with, and chatting with you while she's in his bed.

I'm so sorry about your business, but a huge number of people are in the same position. No one will see this as a failure. You have the talent to run a successful business and will again. You have enough people who love you to help you through tough times. You are surviving.

I'd cut both of them off completely. No more chats, FB, email. Give yourself some proper breathing space.