Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

good luck for the future, Find yourself someone far closer to home . I cannot understand a partner going abroad for such a long period of time without at least trying to return to someone hes say he loves , does he not have holidays ,etc .

I hope you're feeling better and your DS recovers well from his surgery. I agree that you should be grateful that you're not entwined financially. This man is not your security, and no amount of money will buy happiness.

I’m so sorry OP. His actions are incredibly selfish and I can’t believe he did all of that while you were going through hell 😔.
It does sound like you’re in shock. I think the emotions when they hit will be quite overwhelming and that you will have a lot of anger. It’s great that you have support and good that you have lived apart for 14 months as your daily routine won’t change and you have space from him to really think. Now you have the facts I would ask him to back off and give you space. Tell him if you have questions you will contact him and you expect complete honesty (no downplaying). If you can don’t show him your emotion, this will put him in an unstable position as he will not be in control and won’t know how you’re feeling (IME this is the most effective way to make them really understand how painful it is to be in the dark). Even if you are sure you want the relationship to finish, there’s no rush to do this as he is not there. so the ball is entirely in your court and you have all the power (I know it doesn’t feel like that) holding back and limiting how much you contact him will buy you time until you can assess your financial situation and let you focus on your son. He has shown he is not worth your time so restrict it

You haven't seen this man in person for 14 months.
You must question that some of this relationship was an illusion and wishful thinking on your part.
Because he wasn't there, you had to fabricate a portion of the relationship in your mind.
There was talk of money and the illusion presented of money, but no actual money.
There was no joint finances. There was an illusion of joint finances.

So you will experience disappointment but also it will help in the long run that his physical presence wasn't there. You may find you will get over him faster than you think.
You are blocking your emotions that's why you are finding it hard to feel anything. So the emotions may well start to show up over the coming days.
What a fucking bastard. This woman thought he was single and he did NOTHING to tell her of your relationship.
He willingly and purposefully had sex with her and was conducting a relationship IN PERSON with her. Maybe for not far off as long as he was with you.
He's full of shit. He's a liar and a cheat.

He only confessed because he was found out.

Otherwise it'd be months and months of lies and delusions before you found out.

Block this woman. She's no help to you and she could be harm to you.

Both of you have found out you were nothing that special to him.
Women are not special to him.
He just needs a woman of any sort and that's why from him all you hear is 'my life is ruined, my life is ruined, me, me, me how I am affected, I'm this and I'm that, look at me, oh I'm so stupid, what about me, me, me, me.....;

What does FYS stand for in expat communities.

OP you well rid. Its a blessing in disguise if it wasnt her then someone else will be next. It too long to be away.
Only work if partners/wives&children were able to travel with them and live on the island.

What does FYS stand for in expat communities

Young, Free & Single.

Thank you all, I have read all the messages again and started to cry now. Thank you for everything you've said.

I felt very sorry for the person you're writing to and it feels surreal that it is me.

Funny I just remembered that it was on the same date (13th November) many years ago that my fiance left me. Just a few days before my birthday. Obviously not a good date for me

nah not a drunken thing he delibrately hid your photos so it was calculated

if hes not even willing to come home even now that tells youe verything-i mean he wouldnt even consider it when you was ill

is there no other jobs her ehe could

when people say the ow shouldnt have told op why is that id want to know and many threads ive read say the same would you want to carry on in ignorant bliss

If you could forgive him, for what it's worth, I think he'd be too terrified to ever do something like this ever again given his experience with this bunny boiler. He has behaved disgracefully of course though it does appear that the lady concerned did target him. I lived through the same nightmare with my 16 year old son and a tumour. His was cancerous but caught very early through a sheer fluke before it spread. I still remember waiting for the CAT scan results to find out if it had spread. I think I was a bit deranged to be honest though my husband and I had to carry on working and my poor son had to carry on studying to pass his exams.

I think people sometimes do dreadful things during dreadful times. I may be the exception though in that while I would be incredibly angry I think I could forgive some meaningless affair as long as I was as sure as I could be that there wouldn't be a recurrence.

I think it is wonderful that your family is so supportive and I envy you for having siblings.

nah not a drunken thing he deliberately hid your photos so it was calculated

That's what I was thinking, too.

You know better than most of us what is really important in life and what matters the most to you. This is probably why you are quite calm about this - your partner just does not really matter.

Kick him to the kerb and focus on your son and yourself and use your support network to help you through this.

Well he’s not lovely is he- He’s been playing away- literally.

This woman only became a 'bunny boiler' when he was found out and then decided to maybe try to tell her it was over.
She's not a bunny boiler, she's a woman who, like the OP, thought she was in a steady and exclusive relationship with this man.
When she discovered he was having a long distance relationship with someone else, she probably got very angry.

Some people are painting this guy as 'oh the poor lad being stalked by this mad woman'. Poor diddums was taken in by her.

No. This other woman could have written a post saying 'Found out my DP had a LDR with another woman in another country'

She didn't 'target' him. He was single, she was single, either he or she or both flirted and a relationship ensued. She didn't lock him in a room and demand he shagged her.

I have faith in you. You sound like a competent, capable person.

If you get a surreal feeling about it all, it's your brain trying to adapt quickly to stress and changing circumstances. It will pass after a while.

I actually found it funny that he had the gumption to say 'I slept with this woman when I was drunk' but then added that he got drunk again a few more times and slept with her again. If you seriously felt like you had no control when you were drunk and were truly horrified by what you had done, why on EARTH would you drink again, unless you were an alcoholic and had a chemical dependency on it????

I think he didn't really care that much about not sleeping with her, that's why he continued to drink and be in contact with her. Seems like a convenient excuse to me. Maybe he was thinking to himself 'If I get drunk and end up having sex with her again.....I can't be really blamed.....can I? Because I was drunk afterall'. Almost like he was giving himself permission or excuse himself.

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you :(
You sound so rational by the way you write which leads me to believe you WILL get past this - you're an intelligent, well-minded and respectful person and your now EX and this woman deserve each other.. please don't waste a second longer giving them anymore air time - as blunt as this sounds.. what's done is done and there's nothing you or anyone else to do to change that - you focus on your future with your son and don't waste precious energy trying to match stories up and getting details. These people didn't think much of you to treat you this way so do not think much of them. I'm not telling you to ignore how you feel - I am saying to you don't waste a second longer thinking or doing anything about these cretins.

OP, you are definitely due some good luck in 2021!

I would block them both and focus on getting financial and emotional support in place from your family, welfare net and anything else going.

The good news is that your business WILL rise again and you WILL be in a better place, on the other side of this pandemic. After all the shit you have coped with (and still stood strong), how could it not?

@Rangoon

If you could forgive him, for what it's worth, I think he'd be too terrified to ever do something like this ever again given his experience with this bunny boiler. He has behaved disgracefully of course though it does appear that the lady concerned did target him. I lived through the same nightmare with my 16 year old son and a tumour. His was cancerous but caught very early through a sheer fluke before it spread. I still remember waiting for the CAT scan results to find out if it had spread. I think I was a bit deranged to be honest though my husband and I had to carry on working and my poor son had to carry on studying to pass his exams.

I think people sometimes do dreadful things during dreadful times. I may be the exception though in that while I would be incredibly angry I think I could forgive some meaningless affair as long as I was as sure as I could be that there wouldn't be a recurrence.

I think it is wonderful that your family is so supportive and I envy you for having siblings.

It really is just the worst thing to go through. In our case it was blood tests, then an ultarsound, then a referral to the urgent cancer screening at the big hospital in the city, then a biopsy, then an MRI. Each time having to wait a week in between each step and to get news. My GP told me to pray and be brave - I mean -there are no words for the blind terror I was in 24 hours a day. I was an absolute wreck and could barely think about anything else. I am so glad your son is okay.

@sadie9

This woman only became a 'bunny boiler' when he was found out and then decided to maybe try to tell her it was over. She's not a bunny boiler, she's a woman who, like the OP, thought she was in a steady and exclusive relationship with this man. When she discovered he was having a long distance relationship with someone else, she probably got very angry.

Some people are painting this guy as 'oh the poor lad being stalked by this mad woman'. Poor diddums was taken in by her.

No. This other woman could have written a post saying 'Found out my DP had a LDR with another woman in another country'

She didn't 'target' him. He was single, she was single, either he or she or both flirted and a relationship ensued. She didn't lock him in a room and demand he shagged her.

@sadie9 I totally agree with you.

The OW was innocent in all of this. I'm in a LDR (thankfully within a few hours drive..not an island!) and would do my nut if I found out he was shagging someone else or in another relationship. Not to the point of battering his door down, but I would be venting my anger at him.

You are right, people making out this OW being a 'bunny boiler' is very unfair, especially as the OP spoke to the OW eventually for a proper conversation. I really feel for both the OP and the OW, they didn't know the truth of what was going on...the common denominator is the cheating arse in all of this.

He's not your partner if he's been someone elses for 14 months, you've been had, move on.
Or you can stay with him giving him the green light to dip it where he wants.
Your call, but he'd be blocked from now on, if it were me.

Sorry but not seeing your partner for 14 months is not really a relationship. You need that physical connection so I'm not surprised he has cheated and to be honest, your not either are you? You knew this set up was problematic

You what? I would expect my partner or husband to be able to keep it in his trousers and if he can't then he should have ended the relationship in a respectful way or come home. But he didn't do that - he expected to get away with it and then come home to the OP and resume the relationship like nothing had happened.
There is NO excuse for this behaviour which incidentally is called having your cake and eating it.
Instead the OP has been subjected to a crazed womans ravings out of the blue at a time when she and her son have been very ill and need his support.
He is a shit. He wouldn't be coming home to me I can tell you.
My ex was the same. I supported him for 20 years and then when I became very ill he just walked out of the house while I was in hospital and started shagging someone else and I was dumped with all of the problems that he left behind. Its vile behaviour!

So sorry you have had such a bad time and now this on top.

You are a very tough and resilient lady so you will come through it.

Long distance relationships are very hard on both sides. Your partner has also been through an exceptionally anxious time. It's clear the woman he's been seeing is nuts and an arch manipulator' not just of you, maybe him too.

Almost every worthwhile relationship hits at least one very rough patch. Sometimes good people make a terrible mistake, learn from it and recover. So my advice is, don't write him off just yet. Take a break from him, wait until the shock and tears subside, and then consider if this relationship is worth trying to work through and save. Don't let Ms Batshit decide that for you; it's your choice and your decision.

  As for her, keep a diary of her contacts and if she keeps harassing you call the police and press charges.

The OW seems to be getting a rough ride here which seems a bit unjust. She was not aware he was in a relationship and gave an ultimatum when she found out. When he chose his partner she tried to make sure the partner was aware and not living in the dark and appears to have been honest about the way the relationship has gone telling oP he said he loved her so not going to all lengths to ‘steal’ the man. The night of the police seems a bit of a red herring as yes her behaviour seems OTT but she was likely upset at being deceived and used for sex. Can’t honestly say I wouldn’t make a scene of it were me.

I've only read the Op so far and my gut feeling is use the guilt your boyfriend has and ask him to help you out financially as you are struggling. Then dump him if you want to. Serve him right.

Some people just attract drama like guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Your "partner" is one of these.

I don't blame you, but you are being very harsh on the other woman. He will have presented himself as single, she will have thought she was in a relationship with him and have been naturally upset to find out it was a pack of lies.

He said she arrived there in January and as she was new and they were both alone he showed her around and went for hikes and dives with her but it wasn't romantic. She is about 10 years older than him (not AT ALL his type!!!) and almost 15 years older than me so he didn't see it as problematic to spend platonic time with her.

Plenty of people have that age gap (10 years) and more and its not particularly unusual.

He's full of lies. It really depends on how much you want him back I suppose. And crawling back he will come...