Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

Give it a week hand your emotions may change significantly. You may feel stronger, more tearful or something else. You’ll definitely have more clarity and need a plan to make the life of yourself and your son a good one. Focus on him.

Practicalities like money, business etc will be an issue but please don’t compromise your long term happiness for short term financial security with this unreliable flake.

A terrible shock now but possibly your own reaction now and this year has made you realise who are the people who you physically need in your lives and who will be there for you when needed.

Yes, it's 14 months. Because the island he is on is Covid free, so they've said if he leaves he can't come back so he's have to resign. So we agreed he'd stay and finish his contract. It's an extremely remote place. Four flights to get to London!

Personally, I couldn’t forgive him because I would never be able to trust him again and trust is everything in a relationship.

Perhaps as he feels so awful he will be so kind as to send you some money from that “huge” wage he’s been earning? No? Didn’t think so.
This man isn’t lovely. He never has been to be honest and the only thing is that now you know that and can move on with absolutely nothing to do with him any more. You and your son can and will live happily ever after- and he can just go and lie in the messed up bed he made.
In some ways him having no financial ties with you makes aspects of separating easier. Pack up his stuff- sell anything of value on eBay- dump the rest to his nearest relative and move on.

Sorry to hear about all this.

You don't need to make a decision immediately whether you leave him or stay with him. Lots of Mumsnet will say LTB, bit that is for you to decide. As you say, despite this incident everything is good between you.

I experienced something very similar to you. I was contacted via social media by the other woman to let me know my husband was having an affair with her. I was naturally devastated. However the things she and my husband apparently got up to just wasn't real, e.g. she said they went on a week long holiday to America together, but he was home every night (and doesn't have a passport). There was apparently loads of other thing but as I knew some things weren't real, I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. I did block the woman, but then ended up getting stalked on social media, sent loads of messages and apparently pictures of him and her doing things together, but it was only ever pictures of him (and they were pictures I had taken 😂).

Definitely a case of me and my husband having a loony woman stalk us both. Yes he did have a short affair, but I think she was obsessed with my husband and wanted to split us up.

Bit of a long post sorry... I guess what I am trying to say is that loony stalker women do exist, I would block her. And relationships can get through tough period, does this incident really erase everything you have together? Or with time can you forgive and revive your relationship?

It's you choice, take your time.

What an idiot, I'm so sorry
Once you've processed the shock and pain, hopefully you will feel that you're better off without him.

As for the finances, you might be eligible for new-style Jobseeker's Allowance and/or Universal Credit. Neither are a huge amount but it would be better than nothing.

I would question anyone who prioritises his job while his son and wife are seriously ill.
I would jack in my job in a heartbeat to be with my family, and I know my OH would do the same.

I find his choice to stay abroad during such difficult times a huge red flag.
If my son had a brain tumour I would be at his bedside in a second.

Christ I'm sorry that has all happened to you. Hug your boy tight. Great news it's benign and not malignant.

I'm really not anti men but why are so many of them so fucking weak? The bottom line is he was away from you and got offered sex and took it. I'm sure he's upset now he's been caught.

So glad you've got family support. He's been a selfish prick. When is he due back? At least it gives you a bit of time to ponder your next move.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You've really been through it! Definitely block this woman, her ranting can be to someone else! If you're sure you have the truth, block her and him if you can, then start to give yourself time to heal

Sorry but not seeing your partner for 14 months is not really a relationship. You need that physical connection so I'm not surprised he has cheated and to be honest, your not either are you? You knew this set up was problematic.

This is just so sad, you must be devastated. This is a time when he should be supporting you in whatever way he can and instead he poured his efforts into his own ‘pleasure’. It seems unlikely that he would ever have told you about this woman and, had you remained together, he would doubtless have done something similar in the future. It takes a certain kind of character to deceive someone in the way he did and that is not a person who deserves a place in your life or that of your precious son. I predict your life will be a lot happier than than this weak, cowardly man’s will be. He may have money but you are a far richer person in all that really matters.

I feel for you. Also been through it. Such a devastating feeling.

My advice would be to do absolutely nothing - no promises, ultimatums probably no conversations. Give him time and space to work out what he really wants - does he want to carry on as he is now or does he want to make it work with you. Making it work requires more effort than “ sorry” and “ I love you”.
Please don’t soften because he has money. That’s selling your soul and it feels awful. You’ll find a way to get back on your feet.

Enjoy the run with your sister.My friend and I ran when mine happened. It’s brilliant therapy.

Sounds like he's sorry he got caught to me. If it weren't for this woman telling you, theres a good chance you never would have known. Itd not like the guilt was eating him up and he came clean is it. And now he's trying to make you feel sorry for him, he's telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is etc etc...dont fall for it OP, honestly, so many men cheat and then get forgiven by their partners, only to go and do it again. I really hope you're ok

@ukgift2016

Sorry but not seeing your partner for 14 months is not really a relationship. You need that physical connection so I'm not surprised he has cheated and to be honest, your not either are you? You knew this set up was problematic.

This. Surely he could have made it back if he had wanted to at some point?

It takes a certain kind of character to deceive someone in the way he did and that is not a person who deserves a place in your life or that of your precious son

This 100%

I’m sorry OP but this all sounds like a complete web of lies on his part and delusion on yours. I don’t mean that unkindly - this man is taking you for a ride and has been for a long time.
Apparently he loves you more than anything in the world and she’s just a bit on the side (and you seem to be accepting this.) Right. Ok. So he has a mega salary on a remote island but you’re strapped for cash. So you were in hospital for four months and he didn’t come and see you. Your son has a tumour and he doesn’t come back to support.
This man is a fantasist and a liar. I doubt he’s even stayed on this remote island which has said he has to quit his job if he leaves (how convenient!). Wake up and smell the coffee. This isn’t a relationship you haven’t seen each other for fourteen months. He’s making it all up.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am not surprised you feel numb after everything you have been through. I do think your priorities should be yourself and your son at the moment and working out the practicalities of your financial situation to keep a roof over your heads and make sure you can emotionally recover. Your partner really does not need a response right now and cannot expect to have one.

I think he has made a mess really and he is not showing himself in a good light. It is ageist to say because she was ten years older she was not loved material, and the idea that he only ever had sex with her when he was drunk is also insulting. I know he is trying to make you feel better by saying this (like he does not have to be drunk to have sex with you and you are of course younger) but really? It is not very respectful of either of you. Yes, she behaved badly last night by banging and screaming on his door last night, but he is the responsible person here. He knew he had a partner back home who was seriously ill with a son who was potentially seriously ill, and he hid the photos of you. That is not the actions of a drunk man being stalked by a woman, whatever her age, those are the actions of a man who knows what he is doing and that it is wrong. He is trying to make himself sound better by being dismissive of the woman and not owning his behaviour. Honestly, what an idiot.

This is all going to take time to heal. It is good that you have friends and family around you. I hope you got some sleep as well.

Just to correct, my son is not HIS son, he is just mine. We have been together only 3 years (14 months of which he has been away).

The OW called me again and we spoke for ages. She has sobered up, not hysterical and actually sounds like a really nice person.

She corroborated his story in the sense that they were platonic for a long time and he was kind and friendly only and that they had drunken sex. She said months passed and there was more drunken sex.

She said then it escalated to a FWB gig that has been going on since July / August. So while I was dealing with all this crap, he was texting me in the morning with another woman in his bed!

She said that he saw her regularly and there was sex, affection and activities together but not a "relationship". He's told her he has no feelings for her and that he loves me but he did not tell her I existed until a few weeks ago!!!

She asked him to choose and she said he chose me and she felt she had to tell me. She said that she isn't stalking him and he always contacts her. I asked her if she had any texts or anything to show me and she said he never messages her so she can't.

To be honest, I believe her. I think he was doing the FWB thing and thought he'd get away with it.

She also corroberated that he has thrown her out and the neighbours called the police etc. so it seems he has largely told me the story but massively underplayed shagging a few times with what sounds like a semi-relationship.

He's already said he loves me and wants to be with me, but there's absolutely no way I could forgive him. I can't process any of this at all. The sheer evil of it

What a bastard 😡

*lover not loved

Sorry this happened OP, I think you deserve better.

I know you said he lives on an island but 14 months!?!?!? That isn't a relationship. That's a friend on the phone/Skype. I remember being upset when my "boyfriend" could only see me once every 3 months...I dumped him.

Given that you were ill AND your son was ill, he should have come back to support you and actually show he loves you. He should have prioritised seeing you when ill over staying on that island. Surely there is such thing as exceptional circumstances where he can live or maybe even work remotely.

Regardless of whether the women is crazy for her behaviour or not, he still stepped out on you and if she didn't call you, you would never have found out.

Don't waste anymore time with him, get yourself a man who doesn't live inside your phone/computer. Not being harsh, I had to tell myself the exact same thing last year

Guys, you have to remember that when he took the job we had no idea covid would happen. Since it did, I was barely able to move for months and dealing with so much crap. I genuinely thought we were in it together. It's definitely true he can't leave the island, it's public knowledge on the islands website. Its extremely remote. I genuinely thought the best thing was for him to finish his contract and I genuinely thought our relationship was absolutely rock solid. I smiled at his photo every night thinking how lucky I was. What a fool I am!

Cmon Now. she spent the night but they didn’t shag? Of course they did. He’s lying through his teeth, he’s been having a full blown relationship with this woman. Likely led her on as well and lied to you both.

I’m sorry this has happened, but you’ve been through a terrible time and this man made no effort to come back, not even once, and I don’t believe for a moment he wasn’t entitled to any holiday and wasn’t permitted to come back at any stage.

That’s not a relationship op. It was over a long time ago

The fact he’s not his son: makes no difference. If he loved you he would have been straight back to help.
We’ve been together 3 years and he’s been away 14 months: this relationship ended 14 months ago OP, he just didn’t bother to tell you.

Well yes, he probably is lying, but largely his story and hers match

There genuinely is no way he could have come back though. I am not dumb enough to stay with someone who couldn't be bothered.

the only way he could leave would be permanently. They are not accepting anyone onto the island because there's no hospital closer than a 6 hour flight and they can't cope with covid.