Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

You sound you are coping very well in a horrible situation.

I’m coming on to put a slightly different POV to other people. I should stress it’s not coming from personal experience but from professional observations as a trained and experienced relationship counsellor (no longer practicing). I have seen relationships survive infidelity. Not many TBH but if there is still love on both sides it can be done.

Infidelity is often a deal breaker. I think it would be for me but if once the shock has died down, you decide you still want to make a go of things with this man that is your right and prerogative. If that is your choice you don’t need to justify it to anyone. Not to anyone on here or to any family member or friend. Equally if you decide this is over, you don’t need to explain it to him or anyone else. Whatever you decide, counselling might give you perspective and support.

I also second blocking this woman. It’s bad enough she has come between you and your partner already. It’s good you’ve heard her side of the story particularly because it corroborates a lot of what your partner has told you but you don’t need to muddy things further by developing a relationship of your own with her. What happens going forward is between you and him, she is nothing to you.

I wish you and your son all the best

OP you've had a terrible time. I'm really sorry.

But this: We have been together only 3 years (14 months of which he has been away).

That's not a relationship, certainly not in the sense of looking for a house, feeling you could rely on his savings if needed.

For over a third of your relationship, you hadn't seen him.
He's behaved shabbily and you need to move on now, and don't engage with this woman further.

Wishing you & your son all the best

OP I echo what some have said - take your time to process this ,look after yourself physically .

Like others ,I too have had the rug pulled out from under my feet .Unlike you it didn't follow the huge emotional and physical traumas you've also dealt with .

You're very vunerable now ,dont be swayed by the majority on here .You need to make your own decisions .

I agree with the few lone voices on here - some people respond to stress by having sex with someone .He was in a very unreal place .

I think the woman must have been v drunk and the situation worse than she is saying for the police to be called .

It will be telling if he leaves the island and his job and returns to you .Now .

OP this woman apparently was just having a friends with benefits thing, yet she didn’t know about you and got so upset when she found out that the police had to be called.
In other words: she believed your partner was her partner. Believed they were having a proper relationship. That’s why she got so upset. Not because she’s psycho or whatever misogynistic thing your partner is saying.
OP you sound very vulnerable and he’s been stringing you along. He’s a compulsive liar. Have nothing more to do with him.

I think the most pertinent points are that you have spent nearly half your relationship apart and that you didn't actually know each other that long before the separation happened. I can't imagine a fully committed partner sticking with a job that meant he couldn't come home to support his sick other half going through such a terrible time. (Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words etc) A truly committed life partner would change his life to meet your needs.

And even more telling is the fact this woman knew nothing of his life with you. If they were simply platonic friends to start with, why on earth would he never have mentioned you? I wonder if his other colleagues also knew nothing about you? Quite likely if he hoped to get away with not telling her.

I don't blame her for contacting you. She's obviously very unhappy about it all. It could be malice on her part, but maybe not. Sounds like she's done you a favour in the long run.

I'm sure living remotely in a small community like this is very hard and temptations also hard to resist. But that being the case suggests he had lost a sense of your reality and his supposed role as your devoted partner (out of sight, out of mind)

Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have great support from your family. I wish you better times in the future.

Massive shock on top of previous recent trauma. I suggest talking to somebody professional to untangle some of this.
Very sorry.

I think the removing of my pictures around his house would be the final straw for me, I don't know why but this makes him cold and calculated, it's one thing to have a drunken mistake but to remove pictures of you and then invite her round, there would be no coming back from that for me.

Several things jump out

firstly, you do sadly seem to be putting this relationship (whether by his insistance or not we dont know) on a more serious and committed footing than he does. If you were planning on 'shared finances' then how come he hasnt sent you any money home to support you, rather than just given emotional support. He must be aware you are not working due to illness and covid, and that you didnt qualify for any financial support, so why is he happy to see you burn through your savings when the agreement for him to work away was based on building up money for your future together?

secondly, the fact that until a few weeks ago the OW hadnt heard about you, and that he deliberately hid your photos (if he even had any out in the first place) is a calculated move to appear single. This is a completely different scenario to an 'accidental' drunked shag. He has strung this woman along as much as he has strung you along. Its 11 months since she arrived on the island, and your existance has only just cropped up? Perhaps its getting near the time of going home and she started assuming they had a future together back in the UK / elsewhere once contracts were done.

Relationships CAN survive a period away, but usually thats going to be when they are quite longstanding before it happens. Or war. Your relationship was barely out of the honeymoon period before he was off - its said that it usually takes about 2 years, or a catastrophe where you need to rely on them rather than centre them, for you to see the real person - so you only really know the Disney Dad version of him. The truth - the REAL him - is the one who can talk the talk but is basically a liar and happy to string women along to feather his bed. He had his Island shag, and he was keeping you sweet so he had a nice set up to return home to. The only problem was that she got in touch and had plenty of proof. He even spun the story to make it sound like she was mental.

@Qwertywerty3

Unable to see eachother for 14 months? Did you mean months or weeks?

As far as I know UK citizens have always been allowed to return home, throughout the pandemic, so long as they quarantine when they get here. Are you sure he wasn’t using the pandemic as an excuse to stay away and lead a double life?

True, but if you have to quarantine on arrival here and then when you get back.... that’s all your AL gone. Also maybe he needed an exit visa.

So sorry Op for what’s happened. I can’t imagine what a tough time this is for you.

I'm so sorry OP. What a wanker.

Being a mum myself, the relief that my child didn't have a malignant tumour would completely overshadow my anger over this prick. Something like a child's health scare must really put things into perspective for you, and you're obviously a really strong woman being able to come out of the other side of this shitty year in one piece.

Fuck him. You're better, you're son is going to be ok and those are the main things. If you have family to support whilst you get back on your feet - brilliant. You've started a successful business once, you can do it again.

You deserve so much more.

I disagree, I've had a long distance relationship and it lasted and was wonderful, he was in California while I was in Ireland, this was before mobile phone and internet accessibility so it was weekly phone calls and lots of letter writing. We were young (early 20's), I didnt want to join him because I'd a young child but the distance didn't change our love for one another.

Tell him you need him to put a load of money in your bank account before you can have the head space to deal with the betrayal situation. Then once the money has cleared, ditch him.

Good luck, OP. What a horrible shock to find out your trusted partner has been lying his head off all this time. Be kind to yourself.

Please don't sell yourself short by staying with this wank stain as some PPs suggest. He was at this when you had C - 19 and your son was being investigated for cancer seriously?

Do these types not realise the person they are shagging has FB, phones, internet access and feelings? Are their brains so small that they think they can shag someone and it's all going to be OK.

If it was a FWB scenario it's something that is agreed to beforehand. He has led her on with his behaviour and then slagging her off when she is being rejected - what a prince!

You are well rid OP. He can message you when she's there? He puts your photograph in drawers? Fucking hell that is some low level of decption just to get his end away! He's treated her like shit too. No wonder she's gone stratospheric!

The gubbins from the retired relationship counsellor upthread - no. Just no. Why would anyone sell themself short and stay with a scheming lowlife wanker like this when you are lying in hospital and could have died? Walk away OP. The time for him to show strength was when she was available to him. He failed. Don't stay with a scheming, lying, unfaithful failure.

I am so sorry OP.You have had a terrible shock,You do sound so sensible and logical and I think those qualities will serve you well.Please block her and him.They made their bed and let them lay in it.He has lost far more than he could have ever gained and you are winning.An awful way to win but you have saved yourself here.She has in fact done you a huge favour out of spite but still you now know fully what kind of man you were contemplating a future with and he is obviously not the right an for you.Lies and deciet are never a good foundation for any relationship.I would send each of them a text saying thank you both for the last 24 hours of grief I have had to endure because of you both and you are now moving on and wish them both well in the future cos your done with both of them,then block and gather yourself together a day at a time.You can do this.You do ont need eother of the playing with your head or heart strings.I wish you and your son well going forward and I know your dignity and strength will carry you on to much better things.

Not sure why PPs are telling OP to split from this guy when she's said several times that it's over.
What a horrible shock OP. When I had an ex cheat on me he minimised it too - they all bloody do it. Sometimes when people behave so badly the anger and disgust kick in very quickly and it can propel you through the grieving process quite quickly.
Did he ever offer to send you any money? Are you eligible for any loans?
You'll get through this shitty year and I'm so glad you're on the mend, your son is ok and you have good support.

Stay strong. Their stories are irrelevant - he was unfaithful when you were having the worst time. So he's ruined his life? He expects you to put aside your own suffering and to look after him, by sucking up the pain and betrayal and laying your life down for him to walk over. You won't let him. Dignity, self-worth, anger - hang on to those things.

Hes treated you both appallingly. Hes treated her with zero respect as a human being and hes treated you like a fool.

@ohmanseriously I agree with @Lorddenning1 moving the pictures out of sight this was all very planned and thought through not always just drunk sex. I do understand as I think you have both been apart for so long he was probably lonely and everyone has physical needs but I think if he could feel himself needing this then he should have made the decision to either end the relationship with you or else leave his job and return home to you those where the only two options not have his cake and eat it and sleep with someone for months and text you the next day saying he loves you. I wish you all the best. Its hard when you still love someone we makes excuses for them trust me I know but I hope you realise your self worth and as you say you where so ill and worried about your son I even wish he had of come home then and cared for you regardless of his big job what if you hadn't of recovered?

What an awful thing to do.
You are right to get rid.
Stick with your family who love you and who you can trust.

@ohmanseriously

Yes, it's 14 months. Because the island he is on is Covid free, so they've said if he leaves he can't come back so he's have to resign. So we agreed he'd stay and finish his contract. It's an extremely remote place. Four flights to get to London!

Is he coming back now? Due to this situation? Surely trying to salvage his relationship with you is more important than keeping any job or amount of pay?

I just want to say that your original post made me cry. I read a lot of sad stuff on MN but your situation has really got to me.

You've been through absolute hell (I'm an NHS worker, I know what Covid looks like up close) and you sound like such an amazing, strong person.

You deserve SO much better than this man. How could he do this? You will never be able to trust him again.

I know how hard it is because you love him, he's your best friend, and your financial situation isn't the best, but please give yourself time before you make any decisions. You and your Son are your No1 priority right now.

I'd echo what another poster said, go no contact on him while you get your head around this. 30 days of no contact is one of the best things a person can do for their state of mind in a situation like this.

I just want to extend a virtual hand hold. None of us know each other personally on here but MN has been a massive support to me throughout my break up with my ex. I hope we can do the same for you and help you through this.

Please come back as often as you need to to vent. We're here and we care xxx

I am really feeling so sorry for you . I cant believe that he didnt attempt to return to the uk to be at your side with all of the things going on . Also , for the other woman to be in bed listening to your phone calls makes me very uneasy

Very helpful suggestions for self-care @Graphista.
Put yourself absolutely first.
Block Him & OW.

This is a grim time.
You will prevail.
You & your DC will thrive.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. Such a massive betrayal. The OW had nothing to gain by telling you everything as she has also been betrayed by him. Sounds like she is actually more worse off compared to you as he is still next door and more than likely he will probably revert to shagging her because he knows the bridges have been burned with you. It's his loss. He lost a quality and loving relationship..he's lost that future with you.

I agree with PP about blocking them both now, for your own sanity and recovery. Concentrate on rebuilding your life without him in it. Financially, you will recover in some way...I realise how scary it must be for you being a SP, but there will be a way forward, somehow.

Thank you everyone. I have been reading and I agree with all of you and appreciate you.

I'm not sure if many have been through experiences of fear over their kids like that, but as difficult as the last 24 hours have been they are a walk in the park compared to the gut wrenching agony of that.

And while I as going through it, he had another woman in his bed and my photos hidden in the cupboard.

I really can't wrap my head around it and I never will because I would never do something like that. I couldn't live with someone who would.

And no, he won't be back until his contract finishes. So there's thankfully no chance of him showing up at the door. By the time he returns in July I should hopefully be completely over it, and I will not have any need to see him at all again.