Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

I'd be tempted to ask whoever is organising the funeral to ensure that other than the minimum number of people required for one, no-one else attends. Make sure the celebrant (vicar, priest perhaps) knows how unpleasantly you have been treated so that in any eulogy her life on earth is not misrepresented.

My goodness. OP I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how that must feel and I’m so sorry you were denied the kind supportive mum that you should have had. It hardly seems a lot to ask. I salute your strength and clarity in seeing her for what she was, as painful as that must be for you.

@TToxicDeadMother she was an absolute peach wasn't she? If she's anything like my dad, it's because she'll have hated the thought of her not getting the attention. Also, if she was bitter that you had an otherwise "perfect" life on her eyes, then she'd resent that it was getting even more so. At least now she's gone there can't be any more gifts from her, you're free.
I am NC but my brother is only low contact as he can't bring himself to go NC completely x

Poor you. What a toxic bitch. I hope counselling helps.

what a nasty woman. You poor thing though even though you know it was her not you, just to know that she felt that much hatred :-( must be so upsetting.

take care xx

I'm so sorry to hear this. I also had a difficult relationship with my mother, who died 14 years ago, and I'm still unpacking all the feelings (anger, shame, guilt, rage, pity, sadness) that that brings. As another poster suggested, I would write my own letter, then burn the two of them. Plant the ashes under a tree or a nice plant somewhere (not in your garden, where you would see it every day) and then the words can nourish one positive thing in the world. Being a lot further along my journey, I can tell you that the most important thing is to try to forgive and find some peace. Her problems were not your fault, you survived them. Let them go. All much easier said than done...I've had a great deal of counselling and cbt. Best wishes to you.

I am sorry to hear that your mother has done this to you. I am glad you had the love of your father and now the support of your brother. I agree with another poster saying the best revenge is living well. When you are ready consider counselling and i wondered if one day even if its not for months you might write back, for some kind of release and peace. Possibly alone or possibly from you and your brother. I hope her death brings you peace in the end x

TTtoxicdeadmother,

I am so sorry. You deserved so much better.

re your comment:-

"While I’ve no doubt she was a narcissist I don’t think that in itself makes her of unsound mind. I think you can be a narc and still have capacity and I don’t think she was mentally incapable."

Precisely, she knew very well what she was doing but was and remained disordered of thinking. Toxic people like your mother (a term she was never worthy of) like nothing more than the last word and or a fight. She by writing this missive thought she was getting the last word in. I note too that she enlisted a cabal of flying monkeys (ignore them too because they are not interested in hearing your side of things) to do her bidding.

You will sadly not be the last person to receive such a letter from a toxic relative.

It is NOT your fault she was like this and you did not make her that way. Her own family did that. It was of no great surprise either that your grandmother treated our mother, the self same; toxic abuse like this does go down the generations but it has stopped with you.

You also have two qualities that she never had; empathy and insight. The best revenge here is indeed living well. I would also say to you that you need to grieve for the relationship with her you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Please consider reading and or posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and in time find a BACP registered therapist you can work with.

@FreakyForestier

Somewhat similar situation for me but with two warring elderly parents OP. My heart goes out to you. These lines from Mary Oliver's poem called “The Uses of Sorrow” helped me:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

Wow that's very moving

@TToxicDeadMother I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. She sounds very like my MIL and I would not be at all surprised if he/we receive a similar letter in due course. I entirely agree, that although there is some disordered thinking there, it is not an excuse for her behaviour. Anyone capable of manipulating to that extent is entirely aware of what they are doing. We are resigned to never getting 'closure' for her behaviour, as she will never see the error of her ways and we will, in her eyes, always be at fault.

I hope you are ok.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you op this has got to be one of the worst things I've read on here. What a nasty, horrible individual your Mum was.

As other pp have said, take it as a positive to tell yourself that going nc was absolutely the right thing to do.

@TToxicDeadMother

Been nc with my mother after an abusive childhood for many years, the only involvement she has is calling social services a couple of times a year to report me for various crap that she has made up.

That reminded me, yep also had the being reported to social services for neglect shit after I went NC. I only know because she told me in one of the emails.....she was furious that SS werent interested.

Dd told me only a few months ago that when she was little and went to stay the night my mum would make her write letters to me saying how I was a bad mother because I didn’t play with her enough and that I neglected her. Dd said she didn’t want to write them but was made to and that mum told her to give me the letters but she would hide them and rip them up.

Been NC with the my mother for 4 years. 100% expecting a nasty letter from her after her death. I've been disinherited too, as was my brother a few years prior. The only family member that will have anything to do with her is my younger DSis (I'm also nc with her) and she's only gritting her teeth for the money.

The only involvement I've had with DM in the last 4 years is when she's made false allegations about me to the police. She too was livid when they not only told her they weren't going to prosecute me but that they knew she was telling porkies and to stop wasting their time! Police told me she was 'disappointed' I wasn't going to be arrested! 😆

My life is so much better without her! I'll have my own little party when she dies. There will be no tears shed by me.

OP I offer my deepest sympathy.

Reading your post I felt I had to post as it sounds so much like my ex wife. A refusal to take responsibility for their own actions and what makes it unbelievable is the behaviour towards their own children. Along with the damage they are causing.

Its horrid

You do know none of this is your fault, OP? You do truly, deep down, on every level, know that, right? That you have done nothing wrong and this is absolutely not a burden you should carry, that you are guiltless and do not deserve any of this?

Make sure you do know that.

What an unforgivable thing she has done in writing that letter. It sounds like she was a bitter and twisted person, determined to spread poison until the last. Well done for surviving everything she put you through. Her torment of you will end, when you are able to stop giving headspace to that letter, and your memories of her behaviour. She hoped to carry on punishing you from beyond the grave, but you can put a stop to it, when you're strong enough to leave it all behind you.

Oh op I'm so so sorry. What an awful thing to receive. You deserve to have had a mother who loved you. The fault lies entirely with her, she was sick and broken and it was never your job to fix her.

You have a DD of your own, focus on her and have a lovely life. And don't regret spending her dying days with your mum. Your conscience is clear.

You had the last word by being a decent, dignified person. That's the note the conversation ended on, not her ranting, spiteful letter which was written years ago. She sounds like a very twisted person and it's clear you are nothing like her. Living well is the best revenge

Oh I would be attending the funeral and delivering a fucking belter of a eulogy at her funeral.

"You were a rotten wife, a rotten mother and a rotten grandmother. All you're good for now is what you are. Rotting. In hell."

Alright, maybe not. I think I'd be keeping a bottle of piss aside though and pouring it on her grave later. But I can be pretty petty.

OP, I' happy to hear this woman is out of your life, but I am sorry that you lost what mother you should have had when she was living.

So very, very sad OP.
But some people - both men and women have serious difficulties conforming to societies expectations and too, to societies norms sadly.
Did she have severe mental health problems?

I'm so sorry for you.
This has confirmed that she was a sad and bitter person.
But, it's also confirmed that you are not, because of how you feel about it - that makes you a much better person than her.
Personally, I wouldn't destroy the letter, because I think that you should show it to a counsellor who will hopefully try to help you process this massive mind-dump of hers.
It's a huge thing to have to deal with, and she has left you no way of redressing it with her, so you need to do it for, and with, yourself (if you see what I mean) so you can at least come to some form of peace with it. It's a lot to deal with, and I really feel for you.

OP how awful for you to read I think it’s pretty clear she had huge problems and was probably mentally unwell, as well as being a cruel person at the same time. She hasn’t really had the last word, you can burn this letter and know that it is one of many she wrote to others. It is meaningless except to show you that you were right to stay away. I’m so sorry and can’t imagine how it feels. I hope as the days go by you can begin to heal in a different and fresh way.

@mineofuselessinformation good point about maybe keeping the letter to discuss with a counsellor. Depends how you feel OP and what feels better to you.

This might not be what you want to hear right now but...

Everything she has attempted to do with this last little vindictive bullshit is a success when you consider your reaction. Some people are just hateful like her and there are no excuses for it. Easier said than done but you have to rise above it. If it gets too difficult remember this, she was the one, thinking about her death with such hate. What a sad horrible life to live. Make it your priority not to end up like her.
Embrace the fact she is now gone, grieve the love you never had and move on with your life. I truly hope you overcome this terrible ordeal.

Reactivated my account to reply because I felt I needed to reach out to you. NC with my mother (both my parents) for 8 years and counting. After 8 years after a load of counselling and therapy my thoughts on reading your concerns are as follows:
You are changing the dance and making a new normal for your family and DD. This is amazing. I have tremendous respect for people who see what is rubbish and change it for the better so their own children have a better grounding.
Do all of the counselling. The shite might not be hitting you now through tears etc but use talk therapy to work your way through it in case it manifests itself in a different way and for closure.
A deep breath in and out for you for getting through this chapter, I commend you for addressing this.
Know that breaking a cycle or a norm manifests a better future for you and your own children ❤️

Pity her op.

While you and your brother were off living your lives, she was so utterly consumed in hate. The mindset and energy spent doing that must have been exhausting. How sad to live your life like that. How little she must have had in her life to do that.

Pity her. And be proud of yourselves. Everything you are is testimony to how strong you are.