Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

Well, you sound like you are nothing like your mother.

So, there's that.

I flew back from the Netherlands to Australia many, many times leaving my kids with my husband to assist my mum with surgeries, sit with her during extended hospital stays, do her washing, but her decent food (hospital food was inedible, of course...) get her house set up for her illness, etc, and finally, nurse my Mum for twelve weeks... She had always been abusive towards me, (physically, verbally and psychologically) but I knew she had nobody else reliable to help her out, plus I have a conscience! Well... the woman did not mellow! The only thing that happened in my favour was that her filter slipped and other people finally saw her treating me with the utter contempt and hatred that she normally hid from public view. The name-calling, the fat-shaming (I am size 6, so that’s a weird one) the crap about my brother being the only one who ever cared and me being a parasite who should never have been born (he was an obese, drug-addicted 45 year old man-baby who had never worked, sitting in his luxury flat paid for by her, using the credit card he’d stolen of hers to buy skateboards and fake samurai swords!) Towards the end she was scratching, biting and spitting in my face as well. I decided that I had had enough, rang the man-baby (because she was also refusing to go into hospital and in Aus, nobody can make you go...) and said that I was flying home to my family. I had enough witnesses to see how she treated me, I’d needed stitches and a tetanus shot from where she bit my arm while I was changing her nappy, and I was done. She died four days later - soiled and unfed. Undoubtedly dehydrated. I can live with myself. The man-baby inherited pretty much everything - held in trust and managed by lawyers. Not worth contesting. I inherited my own fucking piano. Can you imagine trying to get that back to the other side of the planet? Bitch.

If it was me, I would burn the letter and the anger thats inside of that letter. You know that deep deep down, you are a much better person than she ever was, a million times over. Shes wasted her life feeling angry and full of hatred, make sure your life is the opposite of that :)

justilou I'm so sorry. So many good people on here who got unlucky with their families.

I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve.

It seems that she didn't get the daughter she deserved, either.
Sitting with someone like that at their death proves that you haven't got your mother's bitter and hateful traits.
I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that you've done a lot better by your daughter.

I would try and get the last laugh by challenging the will.

It might help if you write a letter of reply.

Then burn it.

I'd be gathering up all the letters that strongly suggest she wasn't of sound mind and using them to contest the will......I actually think you'd have a.good case.

The thing is you did the goods and decent thing- you visited when she was dying. While she did the evil nasty thing. You can forevermore hold your head high, know that you are a good person and nothing like your mother. Xxx

You deserve much, much better. But Living well is the best revenge. You file that letter away, or burn it. You get counselling if you need it. And then you turn your back on the toxic harpie.

I am sure her last few days were very miserable and lonely. But you focus on the future.

And agree with WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

"I'd be gathering up all the letters that strongly suggest she wasn't of sound mind and using them to contest the will......I actually think you'd have a.good case."

And PigletJohn too...

"It might help if you write a letter of reply.

Then burn it."

op- thats rotten. like actually rotten.
you cant change other people,the tiny bit holding on for her to acknowledge you dont/didnt deserve her is bound to hurt.
The funeral could provide you with closure.Its really unpleasant.you owe her nothing.you dont ever have to compromise who you are because of what other people do. x

I am with Rosesformamma, take this as a gift. Affirmation in her death that you could not have done any more for you mother to help her or improve your relationship. It was not you, you are not crazy, you are a worthwhile and wonderful human, despite the challenges of growing up with a narcistic mother. Commend yourself for surviving and thriving.

One of my friends was given a letter from her father after his death where he disinherited her and called her a thief (she isn't).

She said when covid is done and she can travel she will visit his grave and piss on it.
i just think he's an utter bastard to have written that letter to evoke that kind of hatred.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

I'd be gathering up all the letters that strongly suggest she wasn't of sound mind and using them to contest the will......I actually think you'd have a.good case.

This.

Would be a last laugh if you and your brother could inherit the majority.
Leaving enough of course for the neighbour.

Try a no win no fee company, perhaps?

So sorry you had to experience this. You made the right decision to go nc, and don't regret sitting with her at the hospital - you just did what any decent human being would have done - sadly that would have been lost on her.
This type of "having the last word" behaviour in narcs seems to be not uncommon. My cousins received a similar letter from their estranged, violent abusive father via his solicitor after his death. He died a very lonely, bitter man. And apparently only three people attended his funeral.
You can draw a line under this now, and continue to live your best life.

Take it outdoors somewhere.

Burn it.

Watch it turn to ashes.

The bitch is dead. You're free. Totally free now.

I sound like a bitch but, I'm expecting exactly this from my "D"M. Or that if I want to inherit I'll have to do something I don't want to (I can't think what it'd be but she's always been able to find something to make me feel like shit while she fake-innocently claiming she had no idea that I'm upset). I've assumed I'm disinherited. She's already written horrific things to me before she went NC. I'm a shit daughter. Why? Millions of reasons (primarily the fact I exist) but I called her out about specific abuse I remember her doing to my brother when he was aged between 3-5. Disgusting things. Apparently I made it all up. Yeah, cos this are very detailed memories that I've always known, I haven't "just remembered" them. She even joked about doing them when I was younger. Anyway.

I hope the executor does her job and gives everybody else those letters before the funeral. I wonder if she got one too.

DO NOT go to that funeral. Fuck that!

You were kind to her by going to her when she was ill. Job done. More than she deserved.

NOW YOU'RE TRULY FREE. There won't be another. The bitch is dead and soon to be buried.

If it were me I'd feel sad that the hope of having a nice mother died. And on the day of the funeral I'd have a little celebration that it's over. Being NC involves a bit of headspace. You've got that space back.

However, I've had a LOT of therapy about how she's made me feel and still do. The Susan Foreward book about Toxic mothers is good if you need to find some understanding/confirmation too.

Sorry that you had this woman as a mother and for the pain that she brought into your life.

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone’s messages, they’ve helped a lot.

While it’s tempting to go to the funeral and read some sort of eulogy I don’t think I will. My ex boss used to say “soar with the eagles, don’t scuttle with the chickens”. While I don’t know any of her friends and don’t care what they think it might just make them think worse of me. She says in the latter all her friends are disgusted by the way I’ve treated her. I know she’s fed them a pack of lies about me. So if they believe those lies then they probably feel she’s justified in the letter.

I won’t contest the will, even though it’s an estate worth hundreds of thousands. Again I have no way of proving in law that I wasn’t just a selfish, lazy Dd who couldn’t be arsed to visit. She would certainly have enough witnesses to say I didn’t bother with her for the last six years. So I don’t think I’d get anywhere. While I’ve no doubt she was a narcissist I don’t think that in itself makes her of unsound mind. I think you can be a narc and still have capacity and I don’t think she was mentally incapable.

I think the thing I need to remember is what so many of you have said. That she has given me a gift by doing this. That I will now never be in any doubt that I was right to avoid her. If she’d left me all her money and written a nice letter I may well have felt crippling guilt.

Oh, OP.

I'm so sorry for you.

I'm expecting something similar from my mother when she finally goes.

We've been NC for nearly 9 years. She had also started using my children in her abuse of me. And her hatred of me reflected in the way she spoke to them as she clearly saw them as an extension of me.

She accidentally chanced upon my son at work a couple years ago and took that opportunity, in front of several strangers, to criticise me and attempt to damage the relationship he had with me. Fortunately, I've always been as open as I could be with him and he (and his boss) handled the situation perfectly. It also had clearly not occured to her that my son and I might have a very different relationship to the one she and I had...

I am fully expecting a final kick from beyond the grave. I already know I'm disinherited. I also know that she has lied to people about the reasons - one of them challenged me about it and I was able to I enough to make them consider that they might not have the full story but, for legal reasons, I am not able to tell anyone the reason for finally going NC.

Anyway, I digress, she sent me a similar-ish letter when she went into hospital about 20 years ago. It was cruel and unnecessary and she sent it because she was fearful that she wouldn't recover from the GA. It wasnt the sort of letter most parents would send their children (of any age) if they thought they might die and never see them again.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom but you are definitely not alone

My heart goes out to you. I’ve got a similar one who is still alive and spouting her crap left right and centre at anyone who will listen. It’s awful.

Take care of yourself and don’t dwell on it. You know the truth and that’s all that masters.

The book on that part of your life has closed now and there won’t be anymore of this which is a good thing for you and your recovery. Seek counselling it needed.

You have done well to survive your mother’s cruelty and to demonstrate a better way to her by visiting her in hospital.
I strongly urge you to re-think your decision not to at least try to contest the will no matter how much evidence you think there could be against you. Putting money from her estate to good use would be the best way to close the ugly chapter that was her life.

You sound such a lovely person OP and very thoughtful

I think you should wake up on the morning and see how you feel about going and pay it by ear. Being guided by your feelings only. You can always say goodbye in your own way (burning the letter or letting it float out to sea). You could attend the funeral and leave immediately afterwards so not to get into discussion with anyone. You might find it’s not as clear cut with her friends. They might have a good understanding of what she was like. You could just have sickness and not be able to go and have to spend the day watching films cosy in bed

Her letter and previous behaviour reflect 100% on her. It’s all her issue, her behaviour, her doing. Her behaviour is nothing to do with you. Any child of hers would have encountered the same awful treatment

Yes you’re a survivor !