Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

So sorry, your mum sounds so very similar to my own mum who I’ve been NC with for 7 years. I can totally imagine her doing this when she dies. I would also suggest counselling to help you with this. It is such a spiteful thing she did and no wonder you are so shaken by it. Get counselling to deny her the hold she clearly wanted over you, then move on and live your best life. She wants you to suffer and be miserable, please don’t give her the satisfaction.

This is awful for you and I imagine you can't get it out of your mind. She clearly was unhinged and took it out in you, in particular. I hope given time you can rid your mind of this.
Just a thought - why not see if you can do a reading at the funeral and actually do your own eulogy laying bare how awful she was and how much it has affected you and your brother. You might find it therapeutic. You don't have to stay for the whole funeral. Just do that bit and then leave.

Sadly I can imagine my mother doing the same. Similar abuse in childhood and her mentality was also 'everyone one else at fault', and she always was the victim.

I think the most frustrating thing for you is that you cannot reply, but if anything like my mother, would be a waste of breath anyhow.

I have been nc with mine for over 10yrs now - I have occasional pangs of guilt, but everytime I tried to do the right thing and invite her back into my life, she has just caused more grief.

So sorry and just hope time heals xx

What a hard thing to experience. I'm just being an armchair psychologist but she might have had some sort or mental illness or personality disorder. So perhaps like people who are relieved when a very sick person dies, you can feel relief that she is no longer 'suffering'. And you can be reassured also that there is nothing you could've done such was the level of her dysfunction.

you deserved better and your mother should have treated you better. So sorry to hear she had only rage and envy within her, & that was all she had. Its not your fault. I hope counselling helps you come to some closure on the trauma she has inflicted.

You’ve had some great advice from people on here already, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to read such words of hate and bile. But my view is words of love are infinitely more powerful, and longer lasting, too. Your children will - do - know great love because of you, in spite of your poor excuse for a mother.
You did a good thing, sitting with her in the hospital, I’m not sure I’d have been able to do that. You are so much the better person. I wouldn’t go to the funeral, I’d go somewhere with your brother if you can, somewhere nice, drink a toast to each other, to being free, to the future.

@Justcause233

Well, she might hope you feel guilt, she might hope it all just leaves you a twisted mess..... But she fucked up massively. Because when your head clears you have this absolute proof that your mother was cruel. It is undisputable. There is absolutely no guilt in your future once that kicks in. She has overplayed her hand massively.

I am so sorry for your loss. I would look at booking with a counsellor. Having a mother like that leaves a legacy and I'm sorry.

This is such a good point. Not the counsellor part, but the other, that you can keep this letter to prove how right you were to be NC. Not angry any more, just vindicated. You can be serene to the point of smug.
And you went the extra mile, going to the hospital as you did. It was way beyond what you reasonably could have been expected to do, and proves what a decent person you are. Two absolute proofs, in one go. At the moment, you are still churned up, but as justcause suggests, once you calm down, this has actually, in a roundabout way, worked out perfectly. Thank goodness she didn't die suddenly and without writing any letters.
That way, once in a while in future years, you might have been troubled by some lingering shadow of doubt about the NC. This way, you certainly won't. She didn't mean to, but she did you a big favour.

wow op i have a narc father but hes nowhere on this level

i cant believe what she did to your dd aswell-youre a good person never forget that

I had a similar surprise from my mother after she died. Don't go to the funeral. Rip the letter into small pieces and flush it down the toilet.

I think you should sit down and write letters to everyone you love telling them all the things you love about them.

Anger with your mum is good. Acceptance and peace will come with time.

At the end of the day it’s life experiences that make you the person you are. And you have many incredibly good things in your life now. Your experiences have helped you find your own way in life

She is a troubled and toxic person and you will be happier without her in your life. you know you deserved better for a Mum. Let your anger go or she will win. Concentrate on your dd and your own family. She can't hurt you anymore.

Sorry Op, what a horrible ‘end ‘ for you .She sounds dreadful and I hope you can get some peace very soon . Take care of yourself.

My grandmother was like this and did a similar thing.
When she died it was at the time Michelle OBama said "When they go low, you go high" so I didnt go to the funeral, I took the kids out of school that day and we had a beautiful day at the seaside. I have not given her headspace since. She would have hated that!!
Find your peace OP.

Well that is pretty shit, but probably not completely unexpected. Thank goodness you never have to deal with her toxicity ever again.

A friend of mine had something similar with her father. She had counselling and it was suggested she might write a letter of reply to express how she felt, to have the last word and to bring it all to a close inside herself. She did this and said it helped a lot.

I'm just really sorry that you haven't had the kind of mother you deserved. Your mother has done the most dreadful thing she could do in writing such a horrible letter, that you would only receive after her death. Your anger and hurt is totally justified.

If I was you, this would eat me up and destroy me and I think you are going to need to have counselling/therapy to come to terms with this.

I'm so sorry.

In a strange way, I think this might end up giving you greater clarity. Any lingering 'what ifs' about her true nature have been conclusively answered. You haven't missed out on anything and you were right to think she was too toxic to stay in touch with.

That said, I think this narcissistic type often writes things in the heat of the moment and conveniently erases the memory of it. Not that this isn't her, but she may not have consciously been intending you to read that over the last few years. She may have forgotten all about it because it wasn't affecting her life in that moment.

I’m angry I visited her at the hospital.

You will always know you are the better person, because you did what most people would see as the right thing. And you can disprove the stuff she claims in the letter.

Sounds like she had a personality disorder.

But the bizarre thing was she couldn’t see that she was the common denominator in every relationship blowup she had. No awareness at all. She had a massive superiority complex, thought she was very intelligent and everyone else was stupid. Nothing was ever her fault.

They never can see that it's them. Some of it sounds like Borderline maybe but also watching some youtubes about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how to overcome the impact these impact have might help you. Maybe find some online support groups/FB pages and read stuff on here.

Therapy is always good if you find a person that suits you.

The thing about making your daughter write nasty letters was awful. You did the right thing for both you and your DD going NC with your mum. xxx This just 'proves' you made the right decision, but you did the right thing going to see her at the end too. x

That said, I think this narcissistic type often writes things in the heat of the moment and conveniently erases the memory of it. Not that this isn't her, but she may not have consciously been intending you to read that over the last few years. She may have forgotten all about it because it wasn't affecting her life in that moment.

@4ds02719 There is the other type of personality disordered person that broods constantly in anger. Bitter against everyone. Which doesn't make any of it justified.

I empathise. This is exactly the kind of thing my dad’s mother would do and she has done similar including the disinheriting and poisonous cards/letters. Fucked my dad up for life and in turn he was a shitty parent. I’d be tempted to tell people at the funeral exactly what a piece of work she was but whatever you do you can rest assured you are a decent person and a hundred times the woman and mother she ever was.

Shes a sick arsehole. I saw a youtube video of an america woman who was playing voice mails from her narcissistic abusive mentally ill father. It was crazy. Point is, you are unfortunately not alone in having shit parents. It absolutely fucking fucks. Its really really really not you its her.
I hope people read this thread and develop some understanding and empathy to those of us who had dick parents and families leading to relationships problems and no contact.

I am so sorry...she sounds just like my deceased mother in law...I endured years of abuse and also the nasty vile letters....please just move on with your life...if you let it upset you then she has definitely won...don't allow her to...be the stronger person

Somewhat similar situation for me but with two warring elderly parents OP. My heart goes out to you. These lines from Mary Oliver's poem called “The Uses of Sorrow” helped me:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

She would want you to be hurt, so don't give her that. The letter is every bit of evidence you need that you did the right thing cutting her out.

She is pitiful. Imagine using what bit of energy you have on your deathbed to spew out vile, nasty lies. What a sorry ending to a miserable life.

She is gone but your life goes on. Live it without allowing her to continue to tarnish it. X

So sorry this has happened to you OP. My
Mother is exactly the same and I’ve been NC for over 13 years. I had a lightbulb moment last year after going through an abusive relationship and realised through reading books to help me understand what happened with ex that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and has sociopathic traits. It might help you to read up on narcissistic patents as your mother sure sounds like one too. I spent all my life wondering why she treated me the way she did and finally the pieces fell together. It didn’t make it better but helped me to understand that it wasn’t personal but that she had a mental illness. I still can’t stand her though and will never forgive her.