Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

She sounds utterly awful. What a cruel thing to do. I'm sure it hurts bit please try not to take the words of such a spiteful piece of work to heart.

@TToxicDeadMother People like her never think they are to blame. It doesn't fit with their narrative. You deserved much better

I think you should bear in mind this is about her, not you. People like your mother are full of self loathing so they lash out at those closest to them. She is more to be pitied than hated. What a sad life she must have lead. That said, it's obviously very upsetting for you, and I agree that some counselling would help.

I'm so sorry for the trauma you've been subject to. A mother should be all things the opposite of how yours was to you. As others have said you will have learnt from that and grown as a mother to your own children. Out of interest, did your Brother receive a letter too? Is there anything that could've caused your mother to be that way in her own upbringing?

What jumps out at me is that your mum sounds like a very unhappy woman. She made you suffer and it certainly sounds as though she made herself suffer too. I'd leave it at that and try to put it behind you.

The letter is addressed to both of us. There was only one copy in a sealed envelope. The accompanying letter from one of the executors says he’s sending me the copy and could I share it with my brother.

I rang him and said it’s up to him but I’d advise not reading it, however he asked me for photos so I’ve texted him photos of it.

My mother did the same, had no contact with her for 15 years. Very nasty letter.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It sounds like your mother was a very ill person. It may help you to remember that and try and forgive her for what she's done due to this. None of it is your fault and it sounds like you've given enough of your time and energy to her. Burn the letter, put her out of your mind and continue living the best life you can, nothing good can come from dwelling on it, you can't change anything. Good luck xx

Yes, your brother might need a heads-up so he can make an informed decision on whether or not to open his letter if he has one.

Your rage is justified. No one deserves that. You deserved a good mother. She clearly wasn’t.

Shout, scream, stomp, cry & get it all out. Then get on with your life, safe in the knowledge that she’s gone & can’t hurt you any more. Don’t let that anger eat you up. She doesn’t deserve that place in your head or heart. You’ve already given her more than she deserved.

Counselling is a really good idea. And be kind to yourself. You’ve been through so much 💐

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐hugs lots of them get that letter and burn it and while your at think of this she’ll be judged you have nothing to feel guilty for, these callous bitches and they are bitches do no end of harm there are loads of us from toxic families, most of mine are dead now and I’m grateful for that, including parents. So you have a life ditch who ever you need to, to be happy.

Great advice Frolic

I'm sorry you received such an awful letter. Perhaps try to see it in a different way. She was a nasty women , who did nasty things whilst alive so I'm sure it's no surprise she would plan a final evil to those she should have loved.
However you are not your mothers daughter. You are so much more than that.
Live your life well , and make a pledge never to visit her resting place. Don't waste your emotions on a person who was not worth them.

I don't know if this helps or makes it worse- she sounds like a narcissist. She didn't understand how relationships work. She wanted people around her who were what she wanted them to be. She wanted what she sees other people have- loving considerate family members and friends, never realising that she is the reason it can't happen. So she was constantly disappointed by everyone else's failure to live up to her expectations. She will have expressed it in rage, very personally targeted rage (you were a useless daughter, overweight, didn't put her before everything else including yourself/your own D.C. etc), but it is also misery. "Why am I surrounded be people who don't adore me, treat me to things, cater to my every whim?! It's so unfair!"

She will have been a very miserable angry person. It was never about you, always about her. There was nothing you could have done.

But you win. You have real relationships with give and take, where you respect and are respected.

Sorry, x-post.

You did a kind thing by sitting with her and having hope that her letter would contain something different suggests that you think the best of people. Those are good traits. Don't be angry with yourself for having them!

@lostinthoughts

I'm so sorry for the trauma you've been subject to. A mother should be all things the opposite of how yours was to you. As others have said you will have learnt from that and grown as a mother to your own children. Out of interest, did your Brother receive a letter too? Is there anything that could've caused your mother to be that way in her own upbringing?

She did not get on with her mother at all and said her mum was cruel to her. I didn’t see any evidence of that but they were similar personalities so I could believe it. But you’d think it would make her want to be a better mother?

She used to rant about how much she hated her mother and I used to sit there and think “you're just like her”. Grandma could be rude and manipulative and used to do the thing of threatening to cut people out of wills (she did cut my mum out the will by the end, which looking back I think she was furious about). Mum always used to do the being cut out the will threat.

The letter was dated 2015. So it’s been at the solicitor 5 years, plenty of time for her to reconsider and withdraw it. But nope, she meant it.

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@SeasonallySnowyPeasant

Sorry, x-post.

You did a kind thing by sitting with her and having hope that her letter would contain something different suggests that you think the best of people. Those are good traits. Don't be angry with yourself for having them!

This.

What she did was awful but your behaviour shows you are a far far better person than her. You are understandably angry but you can sleep easy at night knowing you behaved with kindness answer dignity in her final days, even though she clearly didn’t deserve it.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you xx

Get some counseling when you can. I didn't go to her funeral either. Giving you gentle hugs xx

I'm sorry this has happened but know you know 100% you did the right thing walking away.

TToxic, I’ve been in a similar situation. It was hell on Earth at the time. I never went to my mother’s funeral and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss her, and being disinherited has done me a massive favour. Why? Because it means I don’t owe her anything. The car I drive, the house I live in, all funded by me and not from money from my narc mum’s estate. I don’t even have any childhood photos because she kept them all and I wasn’t allowed them. So now I don’t have to question why I went NC, if she really wanted to screw my head up she would have left me everything and apologised for all her bad behaviour, left me the photos so I could’ve spent hours looking at my childhood trying to work out if I was right or wrong because we smiled on this or that photo opportunity. But because she really was that narcissistic and delusional I sleep easy at night knowing she can no longer RUIN my life.

I know it hurts so much, not just losing your mother but losing that hope of getting the mother you deserved in the end. In time you will realise that you Have nothing to blame or torment yourself for. There was nothing you could do to have solved her, or forced her to love you like a mother ought to love her child. For some of us it’s just not meant to be.

Sorry, that is truly awful.
As a pp said, it is sad proof of her cruelty which you will remember hopefully if guilt or regret starts to creep up on you. Still a horrible memory for you though and a terrible way to try to hurt your child.

Flowers for you. She sounds like she had some sort of personality disorder and was an unhealthy, toxic, sick person. They enjoy inflicting emotional pain and they know exactly what to say to hurt you the most. She could see your healthy relationship with your DC and that's why she wanted to hurt you with that. YouTube is a great resource until you can organise counselling. I like Stephanie Lyn but there's lots of coaching videos which will help you understand and move on. It wasn't your fault she was sick in that way, but she wasn't wired normally from the sounds of it and you can live your life totally free now but you're bound to be absolutely reeling when you see her vitriol in black and white