Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

Bloody hell, what a nasty thing to do!!!
I agree with others on here, to light a fire and watch the letter burn. Have a glass of something nice and as the last flicker of a flame dies out, know that she can't hurt you anymore.
So sorry

Sounds like she might have been mentally ill, a complete narc or both.

When my 'dads' brother went to see him on his deathbed and suggested he make peace with my brother and I (for being a financially, physically, emotionally abusive alcoholic that fucked our childhood) his response was "fuck 'em" 😁

You can't and shouldn't attempt to change people like that. Frankly they don't deserve the time or attention.

Don't let her vitriol get to you, just be glad she's gone

You’re not alone 💐

I feel nothing but pity. They could have had a lovely life, surrounded by their children and grandchildren, being wanted at Christmas and birthdays and special occasions, but they were so warped and twisted up with hatred and bitterness that they died, unloved and not missed by anyone. What an utter waste of a life. It’s pathetic. And I know he would have been furious to know that all he’d inspired in me was pity for him, but that’s all that was left. And your mother sounds the same. In her last weeks, she could have fixed things. She could have told her solicitor to tear it up. But her last acts on earth were full of hatred. That is nothing to do with you, or anything you ever did, or the sort of children that you and your brother were. That’s all her and her issues.

I’d make sure your brother doesn’t want to read it first, then set some time aside when you’re going to be on your own. Take it out into your garden and burn it. And while it’s burning, tell yourself that you’re free. You don’t have to deal with that mass of hatred and spite anymore. It’s gone. Feel the weight lifting off your shoulders. Her mother might have treated her the same way she treated you, but it’s so important that you remember that you’ve broken that cycle with your child. You’re not the same person as her.

I wouldn’t have any interest in her estate if I were you. You don’t need it and if she didn’t want you to have it when she was alive, you won’t get any enjoyment from it now she’s gone. It’s sullied.

I’ve got to say, if I was the neighbour I think I’d have a hard time with my conscience if I kept the whole estate (assuming she had actually inherited it from your Mum) in these circumstances.

In light of all the letters she’s now seen etc, if I were her I’d feel morally obliged to pass the bulk of any cash on to you and your Brother. I take it she didn’t even set aside an amount for her grandchild(ren)?

The planning that has to go into writing a letter, giving it to solicitors, instructing them not to send it on until after you’ve died, just to ‘have the final word’ and hurt someone when you’re not even going to be around to see it...!
What a sad, sad life. What a truly pathetic legacy. It almost makes me pity her: how sad to think that that was her final mark on the world. I’m sorry you had to be on the receiving end of it, OP.

No grandchildren are also disinherited.

I doubt the neighbour will pass anything my/their way. Estate will consist of a 300k house and whatever savings she has left. I know a few years ago that was about 100k.

Guess it is a life changing amount of money for the neighbour and people tend to be able to justify decisions like that to themselves I’m sure. It would be nice if she passed some money over to Dd as it would make a massive difference to her but I doubt she will.

I’m so sorry OP. I had a very toxic upbringing myself although my mum and I managed to patch things up before she died, haven’t had any contact with my dad for over 20 years though. I can only imagine how painful this is for you.

The thing is, you are the better person. Despite everything she’s done, you went to her and offered comfort in her last days. She was bitter and cruel to the end. What a sad, wasted life she had and despite her you are nothing like her. She doesn’t win - you win.

I would speak to a solicitor about contesting the will if you want to go down that route, OP, at lease on behalf of your DD. Act now if you are going to do that.

I am so upset for you. what a truly vile woman , what a very sad life she must have had.
I feel slightly better for you knowing that her venomous letters were written about others also .
I am certainly not someone who thinks you should get counselling for everything, but in your case i think it would really help.
It would be awful if her anger and hatred eats away at you and adds a lot more trauma to your already terrible situation.
You are not your mother , i hope you can emerge from this burden free from all the negative emotions she has left with you .
What a very silly woman she was to not treat you with the love you so deserved , she was clearly not a normal mother .
love and peace to you x

OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through💐
Now that the creature no longer stalks the earth you can finally be free 🦋

I can’t comment based on personal experience, my mum was amazing, but I know she had a bad relationship with her own mum and she told me she wanted to be able to do things for me and my siblings that she wished her mum had done for her. My Nan died when I was 15, so I never really had much of a relationship with her, I remember staying with her once and her taking my sister and i to the pub (my mum was furious) and it seemed to me we sat in the doorway for hours as kids weren’t allowed in pubs then.

What I wanted to say is that you can be for your daughter, what my mum was for me. You can be a better mum than the example you grew up with.

My great gran (my mum’s grandma, on her mum’s side) used to say “God pays debts without money”. Your mum will see her reckoning.

Thinking of you.

Your M sounds like my Aunty (she isn't dead yet) but I can imagine her leaving us all a letter like that.

She must have been a very angry and bitter woman with not much of a life at all. She definitely hasn't had the last word. The best way you can win against a monster like that is not to take any notice and know that it is all a pack of lies. You are a good person and she wasn't.

I hope you can find peace soon.

I’d also think about contesting on behalf of your DD if I were you. That’s an awful lot of money going to someone who must have been a relative stranger to your Mum.

And let’s be honest here, given the generation your “D”M was from, the basis of that money will have come from your DF when they divorced... am I right?*

And I’m guessing your Dad would have wanted your DD to get some benefit from the overall estate.

*(leaving aside the non-cash value home-makers bring to a relationship, it would be reasonably rare for a woman of that generation to have been able to develop her own career once she’d had kids).

This sounds like my grandmother. Sadly, some people are just cunts OP. I think that we expect- even if only on some level- for women to be better than this, even ones who’ve proven themselves to be black of heart. The best thing that we ever did as a family and that my Dad ever did for himself was get some therapy, talk it through and fuck my grandmother off. She died a few years ago and no one was sad. She was a bad person. Just because she gave birth to one of us didn’t make that less true. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. Get some help, talk to someone and talk through your feelings but know ultimately that she’s lost where you have won in still having faith in humanity and the kindness to go and sit with her. Take care.

I could imagine my Mother writing the same sort of thing. NC for 11 years. It’s so sad not to have the mother/daughter relationship others have but I do not miss her in my life she brought nothing but misery.

The best thing you can do is be the best Mum you can to your DD, that’s what I’m doing. You sound like a lovely amazing person

I'm sorry she has done this to you, OP. But she's written her own indictment.

Agree with a PP - if that is the mark you leave on the world, it is pitiable ('pitiable' does not mean you have to pity her. You feel just exactly however you want).

('you' as in general 'you', or in this case 'she')

Wow OP I'm so sorry. What a vile thing to do to you. I know you must ben hurting terribly but you know now that you were 100% you were right to go NC. I was NC with my father for a different set of reasons and I tell myself that we happen to share a bit of DNA, that's all.

I would consider contesting for the sake of your DD if you feel you can.

My goodness I've just seen this. Much love to you and your brother xx

@TerribleCustomerCervix

I’d burn it in a waste paper basket out the back garden while drinking a nice glass of wine and toasting to the last bit of correspondence from her.

^^this. I am so sorry OP but you are genuinely much better off without her. Take care of yourself and don't dwell on her toxic words. They aren't true and you know that.

Honestly, getting embroiled in legal action will just suck up years of your life and take an emotional toll. Don't let her get to you. Just leave it.

(I've been there, unwillingly, from the sidelines. What a waste of life. The money is in no way worth the drama. I think narcissicists often calculatedly create situations where they think they might continue to get attention after death.)

Maybe......you could go to the zoo, sponsor a warthog and make sure they name it after the grisly old boiler.

OP this is awful. But I had a friend with a diagnosis of personality disorder ( among other things) and this is how they behaved. No insight at all that they are the common denominator in every fall out. I used to say that they could start a fight in an empty room. Venomous and no filter on anything they said, even to writing horrific letters,accusing people of abuse,fraud etc.

This will take you a long time to get over, it is hearbreaking but I would say that it was the illness talking.

I used to wonder if she was bipolar as she could be so up and down. One minute really manic and then a while later would be sobbing hysterically about something stupid like her TV not working. With some inappropriate sexual promiscuity chucked in for good measure which I believe can be a feature.

Dad asked the GP years ago to section her/talk to her about medication but the GP said unless she came and asked for help there was nothing he could do. And when she never saw an issue with her behaviour that wasn’t going to happen.

I’ve read about personality disorder before and it does seem to fit. She could definitely start a fight in an empty room. My main label for her would be negative. Always moaning, complaining, falling out with people. Would have little vendettas against people and organisations. She had a 2 year fight with HMRC when they tried to claim back overpaid pension and a 10 month fight with the council about a parking ticket. Letters were written, ombudsmen were appealed to, etc. Fair enough to do that sort of thing but every conversation during such time periods would be about the latest fight and I found it exhausting.

I'm bipolar and I don't act like that. Most bipolar mood swings aren't that sudden - rapid cycling bipolar is rare. I think she was a run of the mill narcissist.