DH says “you’re making me force you” to DD

[Callardandbowser]

DH has lately started to say to DD (age 3) “Don’t make me force this” to DD when she’s resisting something like for example having her teeth brushed. I have found DD has really started to push boundaries lately (as they all do) but I never use my physical strength to ‘win’ in the battle of wills because I’m stronger so it’s (in my opinion) an abuse of power.

If DD won’t cooperate with having her teeth brushed, DH holds her really strongly so she can’t move and brushes her teeth.

Yesterday was bad. DD was bored because she’d been in all morning and started to pull a part off one of her soft toys. Instead of distracting her, DH raised his voice repeatedly at her and ended up snatching the toy off her which made her fall over. He then continued to tell her off.

I was really disturbed by this interaction because again he blamed her for him essentially losing his temper.

I have sent him a long email (because I don’t have the energy for an argument) explaining that I don’t want him to blame DD for him being physically dominating.

When I confronted him about the fact that he is a 50 year old man and has an inherent advantage over her. He really stuck to his guns and said that he will do the same to the cat if she’s breaking something (ie pick her up and take her away). I said that the cat is an animal, you can’t communicate to a cat in words he then shouted “It’s about time DD learns to do as she’s told” (for context DD is the best behaved kid I’ve ever come across, I’m a primary school teacher and have nannied for many children for 20 years so) I’m not just being biased.
I said that using force when dealing with behaviour is unacceptable and he just stood his ground and said that he will continue to do this if they are breaking possessions.

I said that the only time parents should intervene physically is when the child is endangering themselves or others. He just said that I am judgemental and that that’s just my view.

This is the worst bit. I then pushed him. I have never done this before and it really has disturbed me. I have apologised to him, I wanted to show him the behaviour that he was justifying. But in doing so I became a hypocrite and of course my point is lost.

I grew up in a shouty, unsafe home and I’m worried that I’m just being over-sensitive and I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.

DH has never hit/ smacked/ hurt DD and never would but still I don’t like the vibe of his forcefulness or his behaviour management skills.

Please be gentle. I know mn can be a bit of a tricky place to ask for advice must I feel all over the place today and could do without people being mean.

Thanks for reading.

Oh I see.

You're another one who pushes their kids around if they don't immediately make everything go super smooth for YOU.

ok makes sense now

Everyone has always commented on what a happy, kind child we have so I'm not too bothered what you think

@Meuniere

To thodse saying that sometimes you have no choice...

You always do.
You might want to leave that tme if you are really in a rush. The child won't die.
You might decide to start the teeth brushing earlier on or to get the child up 10mins earlier to take the 'fight' into account.
You might decide to lt your child brush their teeth themselves instead, get them a novelty tootbrush they love etc etc
The list is endless.

but the best I have found is to establish clear boudaries and to make it clear that when you say something you mean it. It doesnt have to involve physical force or taking the risk of hurting the child or putting in their mind that of they are getting hurt and forced bysomeone stronger than them (let alone a man), then its their fault :(

My son could have dies of sepsis because I couldn’t get antibiotics into him without restraining him. If I didn’t restrain him to give him antibiotics he would be hospitalised every time he has an ear infection, which for him is unfortunately quite frequent.

@gamerchick, strangely enough, depending on the countries, the brushing teeth with children is nowhere as stringent as it is here. And children dont have nay more problem with their teeth.

imo the biggest cause of cabities in children is their diet. And yes that includes sweets etc.. too late at night. But more importantly it includes the worng diet altogether (not even vegs, too much orcessed foods etc...)

Waiting for her to make the right decision takes 2 minutes!

You're pretty lucky then tbh

Really?

Yes really, my dentist isn’t my tooth boss. Is yours? Or is your dentist your parent or something? I’m a sling because you seem under the impression OP would have to explain herself to her dentist- she doesn’t.

If the dentist said I wasn't cleaning her teeth enough, I'd probably explain why, e.g. she hates having them done.

That’s fine, you can explain whatever you like. OP doesn’t have to explain anything. Like I said- she doesn’t answer to the dentist.

@SimonJT, that's a case of life and death. Like having chemo or radiotherapy and a lot of of other medical procedures.
Teeth brushing is NOT a life and death situation.

You can't compare the two.

CastleOfDoom I just simply don’t agree that physically pushing children around to get them to do what you want is in any way ‘parenting'

It's not pushing them around though is it? Holding them gently whilst brushing their teeth, or as @RedskyAtnight says, changing a nappy, etc it's for the greater good. Who has time to be reasoning with a dc as to the merits of a car seat for example? Strap 'em in and get going.

I think you need to talk to your DH (not email) and explain how you don't like his style of parenting. I'm sure you can come to some agreement and meet in the middle.

True. And I don't do any of the things you’ve listed to my daughter and she is a superstar.

Time-outs, taking dessert away/having consequences, grounding when they are older... All pretty common, do you think they are abusive too because you can't do it to an adult?

hes got no patience has he ever been around kids alot-if you can get her to brush her teeth in a calm way i dont see why he cant

And btw @SimonJT, before pinning child down, you can also disguise, put into food etc...

I've done a lot of that for my own dcs when they had some health issues. Even though the medication they were taking was foul (I mean really foul, ABs are like sweet compare to those), they learn to take them. Granted they won't tuch the stuff now that they are teens and probably won't unless they have no other choice. But they did and I never had to use force.

That’s fine, you can explain whatever you like. OP doesn’t have to explain anything. Like I said- she doesn’t answer to the dentist.

if there's an issue with DC teeth and dentist notice it, you can get referred to ss as it's neglect, but sure get an attitude with the dentist, whatever you like, explain it to ss instead I guess? I don't get why you have such a problem with it, getting defensive at the dentist?

I also don't think you pushing him is going to have the right effect at all as (aside from the fact its wrong which you've acknowledged) a 50 yr old man being pushed by his (probably smaller than him) wife is vastly different to an adult restraining a todler. I bet even if you had wanted to push him out of the room against his will/push him over you would have been unable to. The only way to make the comparison is if you somehow hired The Rock to pop round and pick him up but that would be wrong (and unlikely).

@Ketrina

True. And I don't do any of the things you’ve listed to my daughter and she is a superstar.

Time-outs, taking dessert away/having consequences, grounding when they are older... All pretty common, do you think they are abusive too because you can't do it to an adult?

Actually I do think those methods are not OK either and I have used them.....

I now have tow teenagers that are a charm (not just according to me but also their teachers etc....).
You don't have to use coercsive methiods to 'make' children do things.

The aim isn't to get the three year old to brush her teeth. The aim should be to teach the three year old, every day and in every little way, how we relate to, live with, love other people.

No, sometimes it's about getting their teeth clean. All the love in the world amounts to nothing if you've been too wet to tackle issues like tooth brushing. As long as he isn't hurting his daughter or being verbally abusive then his way isn't necessarily wrong.

Sorry it was meant to be i have NEVER used any of those techniques @Ketrina

@Ketrins why do these things to your child when with a bit of thought, you can create a relationship based on trust and respect with your child where they know your boundaries and ultimately don’t enjoy the disconnection that comes from crossing them?
I came from a home where forceful cohesive parenting was the norm and it’s taken me years to unpick the difficulties that this resulted in.

It’s actually not necessary to bully children into submission.

Coercive**

Wow, grounding children is now coercive and abuse according to Meuniere. I'm sorry, but there are some things as a child I would have refused to do or misbehaved had I not had some sort of incentive not to, e.g. "if you want to go to Hannah's birthday party at the weekend, you best not be getting in trouble at school this week"

It's kind of half and half. If your child needs to be held, then they do, but it can be done while chatting away. By the way there's a brushing monster on youtube with an annoying song that used to have ds running for his toothbrush. He doesn't listen to it anymore but still flies to brush his teeth

@Ketrina

That’s fine, you can explain whatever you like. OP doesn’t have to explain anything. Like I said- she doesn’t answer to the dentist.

if there's an issue with DC teeth and dentist notice it, you can get referred to ss as it's neglect, but sure get an attitude with the dentist, whatever you like, explain it to ss instead I guess? I don't get why you have such a problem with it, getting defensive at the dentist?

I think you need to calm down a bit. Do you need to be held down to help you do it?

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. You can be firm and clear with a 3 year old without resorting to shouting and force.

Might be worth having a read of Janet Lansbury's website and books. And maybe "the book you wish your parents had read" - neither of them advocate permissive parenting, just respectful parenting which is exactly what you're asking your DH to get onboard with.

Is it possible to set aside some time one evening maybe to talk it through calmly?

That's pretty normal parenting across the country.

If you have a huge amount of experience with children as a nanny/ teacher it’s probably not particularly fair to suggest that because you don’t have a problem using other methods he should automatically be able to. There were certainly times when my children wouldn’t ‘choose to do the right thing’ if they didn’t fancy it. It’s all about context really, forcing a child to brush teeth, take medicine etc is different as they can’t appreciate the horrible consequences to themselves of not doing it. I’ve held my child tightly to do those things but not so that it would cause them injury or hurt. It’s not the same as snatching a toy off a child etc. Have you tried giving very clear alternative strategies? Could you temporarily take over flash points like teeth if she responds better to you?

Criticising each other's parenting and whether you do or don't restrain your child doesn't help anyone, especially the OP. Children are all different. I was a mummy's girl as a child, and I was easily coaxed into doing whatever DM wanted. My sister has always been the most stubborn person I have ever met and things that worked on me just made her dig her heels in. At the end of the day, you just have to go with what works on/for the child.

In the OP's case though, she's proven that her DD can be encouraged to do something without brute force, so there is no need for the DH to be so domineering for the sake of it.

I had to hold one of my DDs to brush her teeth.