DH says “you’re making me force you” to DD

[Callardandbowser]

DH has lately started to say to DD (age 3) “Don’t make me force this” to DD when she’s resisting something like for example having her teeth brushed. I have found DD has really started to push boundaries lately (as they all do) but I never use my physical strength to ‘win’ in the battle of wills because I’m stronger so it’s (in my opinion) an abuse of power.

If DD won’t cooperate with having her teeth brushed, DH holds her really strongly so she can’t move and brushes her teeth.

Yesterday was bad. DD was bored because she’d been in all morning and started to pull a part off one of her soft toys. Instead of distracting her, DH raised his voice repeatedly at her and ended up snatching the toy off her which made her fall over. He then continued to tell her off.

I was really disturbed by this interaction because again he blamed her for him essentially losing his temper.

I have sent him a long email (because I don’t have the energy for an argument) explaining that I don’t want him to blame DD for him being physically dominating.

When I confronted him about the fact that he is a 50 year old man and has an inherent advantage over her. He really stuck to his guns and said that he will do the same to the cat if she’s breaking something (ie pick her up and take her away). I said that the cat is an animal, you can’t communicate to a cat in words he then shouted “It’s about time DD learns to do as she’s told” (for context DD is the best behaved kid I’ve ever come across, I’m a primary school teacher and have nannied for many children for 20 years so) I’m not just being biased.
I said that using force when dealing with behaviour is unacceptable and he just stood his ground and said that he will continue to do this if they are breaking possessions.

I said that the only time parents should intervene physically is when the child is endangering themselves or others. He just said that I am judgemental and that that’s just my view.

This is the worst bit. I then pushed him. I have never done this before and it really has disturbed me. I have apologised to him, I wanted to show him the behaviour that he was justifying. But in doing so I became a hypocrite and of course my point is lost.

I grew up in a shouty, unsafe home and I’m worried that I’m just being over-sensitive and I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.

DH has never hit/ smacked/ hurt DD and never would but still I don’t like the vibe of his forcefulness or his behaviour management skills.

Please be gentle. I know mn can be a bit of a tricky place to ask for advice must I feel all over the place today and could do without people being mean.

Thanks for reading.

Why did you answer.

To be honest. I’ve never held my child down. (The nurse did when they were older. Because they were seizing and needed medication. I’ve never used the naughty step. I’ve never used a naughty chair. I’ve never had too. However. I would never pull another parent down for how they do it. We’ve long forgotten we’re all parents. People attack others for their parenting strategies.

In reality. What truly matters. Is the OP was uncomfortable with how her husband handled it. She chose to email him. She chose to marry the guy. She chose to have a child with this man.

OP. If you’re still reading. I feel if nothing else. You need to address this. However you feel comfortable doing so.

Life is hard. Throw in a pandemic. Huge stressors. Not a lot of sleep. Money worries.

Then on top of that. You come here for advice. Get pulled in tina of directions.

At the end of the day. People have different of opinions. It’s what makes the world go round.

I would explain. As you have. That his behaviour is unacceptable to you and that you both need to come to a compromise. That c an be that if it happens again. You go somewhere till you feel safe. Good luck ❤️

@Smallsteps88
you asked a question. You asked why a parent would be told to leave. I explained why we were told too. You didn’t tag anyone in your post. The reply you questioned didn’t tag anyone. I was answering.

You really lost any moral high ground when you pushed him. You sound like you have really incompatible parenting styles. I don't know anyone who hasn't pinned a toddler who won't cooperate with teeth brushing. Most people have more than one child and can't sit around for ages waiting for the child "to make the right choice". That's just bonkers to me. I'd never get 4
kids through the day is I waited for everyone to make the right choice.

you asked a question. You asked why a parent would be told to leave.

Yes, In the specific circumstances described in the post I quoted, which was about being restrained

You didn’t tag anyone in your post.

Umm, if you go back and look at my post you’ll see that it is a quote, using the quote function, that tags the poster who made the comment.

@Smallsteps88

Hmmmm. 😂

Sending love to you all during this tough

[grin

Flip sake!

This post reminds me of friends of DH. They have 2 kids and employed the same strategy as the OP. They moved to our area and I tried to be friends with the mum but it was just impossible. We once waited at the zoo for them for an hour because she waiting for her 3 year old to choose to get in the car seat instead of just plonking them in and carrying on. Everything was a negotiation. It was so tiresome and we could never count on them to be on time. The woman had no authority at all over her own kids. The husband travelled a lot to escape it all and I really couldn't blame him. She ended up without any friends and was constantly moaning about not being able to "find her tribe".

[quote Happyheartlovelife]@Smallsteps88. We weren’t allowed in there when my child had to have some medical procedures. We were told it would be too traumatic. My child was a baby at the time though and ventilated.

You’re also asked if you want to wait whilst they cannulate. Some parents can’t do it.

I think the problem is. Men work all day. Men don’t deal with the children. We have more resources because we deal with the children. Like my husband can do his job better than I can. I feel it’s knowledge

The other thing is men like to fix things. Men have a very abrupt thinking in some ways. If they can’t fix it. They lose it. (Some men. Not all men). They lose their cool because tiny humans don’t follow the rule book.

I hope I’m making sense. It’s like the book men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Women are more emotional. We are physically smaller. Men are taught to not be emotional. Some men can’t cope with something that shows tons of emotion and belligerence.[/quote]
I must have imagined being a lone Dad, I must have also imagined all the Dads at our adoption group. I hate fixing things. As much as he can be annoying at times, I have never lost my cool with my son and its extremely rare for me to lose my cool about anything.

Women also tend to work all day. Lots of women like fixing things, lots of women lose their cool.

@SimonJT

Ha. You must of!

Yes. I was an engineer previously. I am the fixer in our house! I was also the only woman in the industry I worked. I was also the only woman on my university and college courses. Oh yes. I do love to invent things too. I love hydraulics and electronics.

You all seem to have me down as a boundary - less mother. I am the opposite to this. My daughter hadn’t broken her stuffed toy she was pulling at its clothes and because DH finally gave her some albeit negative attention for this she continued. (They don’t care what kind of attention good or bad)
I would have just put the sift toy up high and said let’s go and play in the garden. I wouldn’t have tried to rationalise with her.

@Smallsteps88

Ha. Haven’t heard flip sakes in ages! Good word!

@Callardandbowser

Don’t let them beat you down. You’re a good mother. You know you are. Some people just want to pull others down.

If you ever need a friendly ear. I’m here ❤️

A breach of medical ethics?? Horrific in my book and in hers once she realised what it felt like.

I wanted to post because I went through this with my husband and I have 2 friends who have had the same too. In these cases, these men exhibit a lack of patience and instead resort to physical strength. In every case it has happened around the same age when, exactly as OP identifies - the child starts exhibiting their own will. Not just girl children but boy children too. In all our cases the father hasn't been otherwise physically or emotionally or mentally abusive but the use of physical strength enough to warrant a major discussion along the lines of:

• I will explain it to you
• I don't care if this is what your dad was like
• what are you teaching them except that pushing and being physical is the answer
• where is the love, the guidance, the wisdom, the patience

And then

• don't get me wrong - unless you figure this out fast ie: right now, I view this as a dealbreaker and not it their best interest and the relationship between us will end.

We don't all magic up instant knowledge or awareness but if there is willingness and commitment to change, it can happen.

OP, you sound like a really competent and smart person. Your kid will be fine because she has you and you know when to draw the line and have the strength to do it. I guess her dad realizes that too.

Very difficult - wishing you well.

lots of women lose their cool. Like the OP.

OP so why didn,t you just take her into the garden?
I have had to pin my kids down for meds and teet. Waiting to a 3 year old makes the right decision is based on the fact the three year old understands. And they don,t always.

Also he has not pushed your child your the one doing the pushing if this was a man pushing his wife people would be saying dv.

I hope the op was able to take something from the thoughtful replies that are in here, but buried amongst people squabbling about teeth cleaning! What on earth!? This lady has a legitimate and very serious concern and the people that could have interacted with her and helped a little to figure out this situation, where she is I think doubting her instincts, have been swamped by a load of bickering. If you want to talk teeth brushing, start a new thread! I see many red flags in the original post that make me feel concerned about this family. NOT A THREAD ABOUT TEETH!

I see your concern OP especially in context of other behaviors like deliberately not replying to your email.

I did used to pin DS to clean his teeth, get him in the car seat etc. (he's very strong willed and likes to push boundaries). DH never has, and basically convinced me it wasn't a good idea to continue it. I don't think it's abusive exactly but it's not great.

The language as other PP have said is also creepy. Especially from a man to a girl.

I agree this family has bigger fish to fry than teeth. If it was a reverse people would tell her to report him to the police. She used violence to show her partner she wasn't happy with how he parents. Some of the fathers language isn't great. They need some help.

OP, I'm sorry the thread has gone bonkers about teeth.

My XH behaved towards our DC, in particular DC1, in the way you describe. He, too, was always "right".

He is my XH because it got worse, not better.

Your husband needs to find ways, now, to get the behaviour he wants from his child (you manage it without being threatening, so there's no reason why he can't).

One thing is for sure: the nicest, most co-operative child will not always behave perfectly. And the other thing for sure is that they only learn decent behaviour if their parents behave decently towards them.

I would have just put the sift toy up high and said let’s go and play in the garden. I wouldn’t have tried to rationalise with her.

Really? What if you had to clean the bathroom? What do you do when she does something equally problematic in the garden? Do you just circulate between distractions?

Also, sending your husband a long email at midnight and then deciding he's playing games because he hasn't answered mid afternoon is incredibly hard work. You get married/move in so communication is... easier.

Also he has not pushed your child your the one doing the pushing if this was a man pushing his wife people would be saying dv. I'll call it dv, one of my son's suffer dv, even being punched in the face while holding a baby. No one wants to know but if the man once loses it all hell will break out. I think some women (my DIL) deliberately do it to provoke and get the "evidence" that they are being abused. I have no tolerance for dv from men or women and particularly from someone being so sanctimonious.