DH says “you’re making me force you” to DD

[Callardandbowser]

DH has lately started to say to DD (age 3) “Don’t make me force this” to DD when she’s resisting something like for example having her teeth brushed. I have found DD has really started to push boundaries lately (as they all do) but I never use my physical strength to ‘win’ in the battle of wills because I’m stronger so it’s (in my opinion) an abuse of power.

If DD won’t cooperate with having her teeth brushed, DH holds her really strongly so she can’t move and brushes her teeth.

Yesterday was bad. DD was bored because she’d been in all morning and started to pull a part off one of her soft toys. Instead of distracting her, DH raised his voice repeatedly at her and ended up snatching the toy off her which made her fall over. He then continued to tell her off.

I was really disturbed by this interaction because again he blamed her for him essentially losing his temper.

I have sent him a long email (because I don’t have the energy for an argument) explaining that I don’t want him to blame DD for him being physically dominating.

When I confronted him about the fact that he is a 50 year old man and has an inherent advantage over her. He really stuck to his guns and said that he will do the same to the cat if she’s breaking something (ie pick her up and take her away). I said that the cat is an animal, you can’t communicate to a cat in words he then shouted “It’s about time DD learns to do as she’s told” (for context DD is the best behaved kid I’ve ever come across, I’m a primary school teacher and have nannied for many children for 20 years so) I’m not just being biased.
I said that using force when dealing with behaviour is unacceptable and he just stood his ground and said that he will continue to do this if they are breaking possessions.

I said that the only time parents should intervene physically is when the child is endangering themselves or others. He just said that I am judgemental and that that’s just my view.

This is the worst bit. I then pushed him. I have never done this before and it really has disturbed me. I have apologised to him, I wanted to show him the behaviour that he was justifying. But in doing so I became a hypocrite and of course my point is lost.

I grew up in a shouty, unsafe home and I’m worried that I’m just being over-sensitive and I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.

DH has never hit/ smacked/ hurt DD and never would but still I don’t like the vibe of his forcefulness or his behaviour management skills.

Please be gentle. I know mn can be a bit of a tricky place to ask for advice must I feel all over the place today and could do without people being mean.

Thanks for reading.

You think the child is well behaved- it doesn't actually sound like it.

@Callardandbowser

Thank you. About the teeth/ medicine thing. I can get her to do these things ‘in relationship’ with her. Yes sometimes it takes longer than I would wish but my goal is always to remain ‘in relationship’ with her and say “I would like you to brush your teeth now” if she runs away, I don’t turn it into a fun game by chasing her, I just sit in the bathroom with her toothbrush in my hand until she gets bored and comes to find me and make the right choice. It is the same with all my interactions with her. So if I can get her to do things she doesn’t want to do, why can’t DH?

If you tattered on about doing things 'in relationship' with my 3 yo. I wouldn't be able to stop my eyes from rolling out the back of my head.

If I tell my 3 yo to clean her teeth, I want her to clean her teeth- not to sit on the bloody bathroom floor until she wants to come & find me

You'd drive me to drink.

I think DH could choose his words more carefully, but your attitude is far more annoying.

I haven't read all of this thread, but from what you said about your husband holding her so she can't move to brush her teeth is just terrible.
Your poor DD (and you) - the man is utterly clueless and ignorant.

...she sounds adorable btw

He ended up snatching the toy off her which made her fall over.

It's not far from there to pushing her over or manhandling her around.

He's being a big bully. He's 50. What's his excuse for being unable to handle his emotions?? Does he 'force' other people to do things, or just hood defenceless dd??

P.s. and you shouldn't have hit him to make your point. But I think you know that.

It's not far from there to pushing her over or manhandling her around. Bit like OP pushing him around?

OP,

It certainly doesn't sound like a happy or peaceful home.

You emailing him because he twists things and gets nasty.

You so fristrated with his treatment of his rough handling of your tiny daughter that you push him.

I have two daughters that were opinionated at that age and my husband would no more lay a hand on them.

I think it is dreadful.

It is not your background triggering you, it is the fact you know bloody well he is very rough with a tiny child.

Don't doubt your gut.
It is telling you things aren't right.

Another fxxk up man, marrying a much younger woman he can bully.

OP, you need to have a good hard think about the dynamic in your home and if this is the best environment gor your daughter.

Reach out for support IRL from family and friends.

He should NOT be manhandling her.

Listen to your gut.

I think you sound a bit OTT!

I frequently had to pin my dc down at that age to brush teeth, either that or get into a huge negotiation or chasing around the house! When you have somewhere to get to you don’t have time for that nonsense!

Also it’s unacceptable for a little one to be ripping their toys apart...your DJ probably just knocked her over by mistake....it is easily done at that age!

I think you’ve got to treat your children with kindness but they also need boundaries and it doesn’t really sound like you’re providing them...almost like you are avoiding conflict with your child in case you push it too far...like it sounds like you did with your husband....pushing him isn’t really acceptable is it?

Also emailing him rather than having a discussion face to face is a way of avoiding direct conflict with him....

If he’s a loving husband who has never been abusive to you it sounds to me like perhaps you’re projecting your issues onto your child and husband?

Your little one is going to have you run ragged at this rate and not brushing their teeth is neglectful....if I had let my toddler do as they wished and not forced anything dc would have had rotten teeth, never bathed, gone out in PJs every day and never left the park...either that or I would have spent so much time negotiating / bribing / chasing that we wouldn’t have got anywhere and dc would rule the roost!

Thank you for those of you who gave some constructive comments.
DH and I had long chat last night and apologised for our parts in it.
He told me that he completely agreed with me and has promised not to speak like/act like this again.
He mentioned that he doesn't always know what to do.
I think things are going to be okay.
I feel reassured that he was only sticking to his guns about his methods because he was angry. He doesn't really believe this.
Im logging out now but thanks again all .

If you switched the sexes and read OPs last post it’s fairly standard after I hit you type framing of the situation. OP you may not be the “better” parent here despite your dh boarding as a child. You may have picked up more of you father’s domineering and manipulative ways than you think. The biggest and most valuable gift you could ever give your child is a confident, caring and engaged father. I would try and see how you can support that becoming the reality.

Brilliant, OP :) Parenting does open up all sorts of new, unexpected conflicts - this won't be the first, but if you can resolve this one it's very promising. Sounds like maybe the old dog is open to being taught some new tricks after all .*

• I'm an older dog

OP did you promise not to get physically violent with him? You still seem to feel you have the moral high ground. I just hope your child didn't witness you pushing her father about, far more damaging than being made to have her teeth brushed.

OP has very sensibly left the thread by now gran :)

I think you should give your husband a plan B as all he has right now is his plan A and that shouting, which doesn’t work obviously. Tell him what you want him to do the next time the situation arises. In our house, they are given a warning if they break something and they are told if they do it again, they will be put in the hall on the step. We carry out the threat if they do it again and explain why. When time out is up we chat with them about it and then move on. I think you need to tell your husband exactly what you want him to do as he seems to be lost when it comes to this part of parenting.