DH says “you’re making me force you” to DD

[Callardandbowser]

DH has lately started to say to DD (age 3) “Don’t make me force this” to DD when she’s resisting something like for example having her teeth brushed. I have found DD has really started to push boundaries lately (as they all do) but I never use my physical strength to ‘win’ in the battle of wills because I’m stronger so it’s (in my opinion) an abuse of power.

If DD won’t cooperate with having her teeth brushed, DH holds her really strongly so she can’t move and brushes her teeth.

Yesterday was bad. DD was bored because she’d been in all morning and started to pull a part off one of her soft toys. Instead of distracting her, DH raised his voice repeatedly at her and ended up snatching the toy off her which made her fall over. He then continued to tell her off.

I was really disturbed by this interaction because again he blamed her for him essentially losing his temper.

I have sent him a long email (because I don’t have the energy for an argument) explaining that I don’t want him to blame DD for him being physically dominating.

When I confronted him about the fact that he is a 50 year old man and has an inherent advantage over her. He really stuck to his guns and said that he will do the same to the cat if she’s breaking something (ie pick her up and take her away). I said that the cat is an animal, you can’t communicate to a cat in words he then shouted “It’s about time DD learns to do as she’s told” (for context DD is the best behaved kid I’ve ever come across, I’m a primary school teacher and have nannied for many children for 20 years so) I’m not just being biased.
I said that using force when dealing with behaviour is unacceptable and he just stood his ground and said that he will continue to do this if they are breaking possessions.

I said that the only time parents should intervene physically is when the child is endangering themselves or others. He just said that I am judgemental and that that’s just my view.

This is the worst bit. I then pushed him. I have never done this before and it really has disturbed me. I have apologised to him, I wanted to show him the behaviour that he was justifying. But in doing so I became a hypocrite and of course my point is lost.

I grew up in a shouty, unsafe home and I’m worried that I’m just being over-sensitive and I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.

DH has never hit/ smacked/ hurt DD and never would but still I don’t like the vibe of his forcefulness or his behaviour management skills.

Please be gentle. I know mn can be a bit of a tricky place to ask for advice must I feel all over the place today and could do without people being mean.

Thanks for reading.

Guess what. When I was a nurse, we did restrain children to do treatments. It's not abuse.

Is the op posting about her concerns over medical care in a hospital setting or is the op posting because her husband is a bully in their own home?

Get a grip.

@RantyAnty

Guess what. When I was a nurse, we did restrain children to do treatments. It's not abuse.

Parents wait outside while lines are inserted, stitches given, etc. Soft restraints to prevent children pulling stuff out.

Oh god. My child had a long line put in. From her foot. We weren't allowed to even be in the room because it's traumatic apparently.

Blimey. There’s a difference between restraining for essential medical reasons and restraining to brush teeth!

@Branleuse

Ok so your partner made her brush her teeth. Big deal. What do you need advice on?

Did you not read the post? Very unhelpful and sarcastic comment.

You say you had a forceful Dad.
Had you noticed you married a forceful man 10yrs your senior?
Talk to him. Emailing him is not a respectful way to communicate with a partner. It's dehumanising and you end up talking to your projection of the person not the person themselves.

i know this is nothing to do with the problem but you can get non-foaming, not flavoured toothpaste at different fluoride levels and a variety of brushes that are nice to use.

@Happyheartlovelife
yay and if @SimonJT had mentioned the whole post, you would have also noticed that i explicitly said that there is NO COMPARAISON between teeth brushing a child who might end up developping sepsis. That teeth brushing is NOT a life and death situation like the one Simon described.

This really has absolutely nothing to do with the OP and her issue though... Her child isnt in danger and her issue is her DH not the teeth brushing.....

Maybe it's time to get the thread back to its original purpose?

@RantyAnty

Guess what. When I was a nurse, we did restrain children to do treatments. It's not abuse.

Parents wait outside while lines are inserted, stitches given, etc. Soft restraints to prevent children pulling stuff out.

Well that's not the OP's case. Brushing teeth and having a line inserted are both end of the spectrum and really cannot be compared.

No one is going to die from not brushing their teeth once or twice.

The fact you can deal with non compliance in a forceful way because you are trying to save a child's life doesnt mean you can do it all the time, anywhere or anytime.

I'm not sure how this is supposed to help the OP.

@RantyAnty

Guess what. When I was a nurse, we did restrain children to do treatments. It's not abuse.

Parents wait outside while lines are inserted, stitches given, etc. Soft restraints to prevent children pulling stuff out.

Explain why the parents waited outside...

@Smallsteps88. We weren’t allowed in there when my child had to have some medical procedures. We were told it would be too traumatic. My child was a baby at the time though and ventilated.

You’re also asked if you want to wait whilst they cannulate. Some parents can’t do it.

I think the problem is. Men work all day. Men don’t deal with the children. We have more resources because we deal with the children. Like my husband can do his job better than I can. I feel it’s knowledge

The other thing is men like to fix things. Men have a very abrupt thinking in some ways. If they can’t fix it. They lose it. (Some men. Not all men). They lose their cool because tiny humans don’t follow the rule book.

I hope I’m making sense. It’s like the book men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Women are more emotional. We are physically smaller. Men are taught to not be emotional. Some men can’t cope with something that shows tons of emotion and belligerence.

So much stereotyping on here. There are tens of millions of men in this country, guess what they aren't all the same. I'm a woman I don't push people around so I'm not the same as OP just because we are both women, I also didn't let my children destroy things because they were bored.

Men work all day. Men don’t deal with the children. We have more resources because we deal with the children. I must tell my husband we imagined him being at home with the kids and me working fulltime.

We weren’t allowed in there when my child had to have some medical procedures. We were told it would be too traumatic.

Exactly. It’s a traumatic experience to be restrained in that way and it’s traumatic for the parents watching despite knowing it’s absolutely essential. It compares in no way to a child refusing to brush teeth and anyone advocating that children should be restrained for teeth brushing because it happens for medical procedures needs their head looking at. It isn’t fine. It’s horrible. It’s horrible when it’s necessary for medical reasons, to the extent that parents are asked to leave the room, what makes any medical professional think it’s any less traumatic when it isn’t for medical reasons?

@Smallsteps88 not all parents are ok with seeing their kids held down whilst painful things are done to them. Sometimes if the thing goes wrong it looks very dramatic (blood etc) and panicking parents don't help. Personally i always wanted to be the one to pin him down

I think the problem is. Men work all day. Men don’t deal with the children. We have more resources because we deal with the children.

In what century?

not all parents are ok with seeing their kids held down whilst painful things are done to them.

Yep. That’s my point.

This is bizarre. I just posted something very similar: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4063611-Is-this-abusive

I knew someone who was a sister in a&e in a big children's hospital. She said if a child had taken something poisonous and needed to have the stomach pumped they made the parent sit outside the cubicle so they could hear the child but couldn't comfort them, it was a punishment. When her child took some of her tablets she found herself sitting outside the cubicle. Among her feelings of fear/guilt/horror at what was going on she also felt very guilty about the parents she had done that to.

She called it something else but I can't remember the medical term she used.

To clarify it was to punish the parent, not the child.

@ancientgran

To clarify it was to punish the parent, not the child.

A breach of medical ethics??

Op, I think your suspicions are right and I would urge you to trust your instincts.

I have three dc, two NT one disabled. I have never needed to physically force the NT two to do anything. I have never needed to smack them, threaten them or frighten them. They are really well behaved, normal, run of the mill kids. No drama needed.

Sadly I have had to physically force my middle child on occasion. He has needed a lot of ophthalmology treatments over the years and me, plus 3 HCAs have had to pin him down. We either did that or he would loose his sight in one eye.

However, at 10 years old he is now to big physically so he either had to be sedated or we just keep trying. He needs a tooth extracted and we are have done an hour round trip to the special needs dentist three times without success as he won't let us do it.

To physically force a small child to brush their teeth is utterly ridiculous and not necessary. From your description of dd she sounds as though she could have been easily encouraged to brush her own teeth (as you do when you are with her).

Sorry op, but your husband sounds like a domineering bully.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a shit book reinforcing stereotypes and giving excuses to men as they can’t or caring and respectful

@user1635886425653

For goodness sake, 9 pages in and people are still arguing about childhood dentistry and being ridiculously defensive because the op has touched a nerve. Helpful.

Somebody making different decisions and having different priorities isn't a personal attack. The op didn't deserve to be attacked like this just because posters don't know how to manage their own discomfort about her choices and values being different to theirs.

It does look like from your posts you do fly off the handle at your DH and tiptoe around your DD because of your own past.

That's a bit of an Olympian leap from what has actually been described, isn't it?

She pushed her husband in anger to show him what it felt like. She sits waiting for her three year old to come and get her teeth cleaned.

Neither of those sound practical or calm or that things are working well.

@Smallsteps88

I didn’t say they had to be restraint. You asked why the parents were asked to wait outside

I explained why we’d been asked to wait out. At no point did I say they told us that it was too traumatic to watch them being restrained. You asked why the parents were asked to wait outside. I gave you our reason why. My child was a baby who was on a ventilator. No restraints were needed!!!

I didn’t say they had to be restraint. You asked why the parents were asked to wait outside

Ok well I’m not sure why you answered my question if your child wasn’t restrained because I quoted the post I was asking about and it clearly states

Guess what. When I was a nurse, we did restrain children to do treatments. It's not abuse.

Parents wait outside while lines are inserted, stitches given, etc. Soft restraints to prevent children pulling stuff out.

If your child wasn’t restrained then why didn’t you answer?