Snoop or not?

[thelockdown2]

NC for this as I'm active on other threads - naice penis beaker etc.
Daily Mail are wankers (just in case).

Anyway I need some advice please. I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd and I don't know if I'm being hormonally paranoid or if something is going on.

I've just got this horrible gut feeling/spidey senses that DH is doing something he shouldn't be. Our sex life has tanked, he's secretive with his phone, he parks up outside our house but is "on a work call" for 45 minutes and won't come in. He's shown very little interest in me recently.

Anyway I've acquired his passwords for Facebook messenger, google and discord. He's recently removed the apps from his phone but continues to log into them. I can only surmise that he thinks it'll be harder for me to get into if the apps aren't on his phone. Why remove them if you're still logging into them?

My question is - can I log in to these without him receiving a notification? His google account has previously been logged into my phone when he's used it, and as a result I could see his search history about 18 months ago which threw up some major questions in our relationship but we worked through it.

Now without the "don't snoop if you don't trust him just leave him" advice it's really not that simple. Am I just being insane? And if I'm not then I'll need irrefutable proof before blowing up my family.

So will he know if I log in and check?

Is he a gamer? I use discord but for Pokemon GO, and quests and raids could account for the lost time.
I have been known to go for a walk round the block and end up taking twice as long as I end up doing a raid, and fighting two grunts and so on...

I mean, it doesn't sound great with everything that you've said about him so far but I'd try to bide my time a bit for now.
If you can't do that though then you'll have to confront him but he'd probably deny everything and then delete.
It's tricky, sorry

@TinyTear Yes, Pokemon. So much so it almost caused us to separate last year and ultimatum was given that it had to go.

This was also where he was meeting girls online and one in particular sent photos of herself on WhatsApp. I know he still has the pokemon app but he's not playing it endlessly at home like he was and completely neglecting all of us as a result. One of the things we worked through.

Reading this back myself is just making me feel like an idiot.

Ah @thelockdown2 that is a bit stupid - most people i know from the Pogo world are lovely. I have a few good friends from there and do DM some of them, but mostly about the game - sharing stats and stuff...

A bit stupid she sent photos on whatsapp when you can send photos on discord!

if it's the London discord and you know his IGN I can see if he is active - of course i can't check the DMs...

@TinyTear How can I found out his username?

@TinyTear Well this is it there was absolutely no need for him to have her mobile number.

And there's no need for him to be using discord at all now.

But I am lucky my husband also plays and the kids half do as well... so for us it's a family thing

@thelockdown2 do you know his Pokemon name? most people use that as the discord name

@TinyTear I have PMd you.

@thelockdown2 replied... sorry I can't help more

@TinyTear Thank you.

Ok so last ditch attempt - who knows about software, is it VPN? Or an app that I can use to say I'm from hundreds of miles away when I log into his email and messenger account tomorrow.

So even if he does get a notification I could deny all knowledge as it's a billion miles away from home.

I will be getting a recording device in the car when possible.

OP I think you're worrying about him getting notifications too much. I had similar suspicions with my ex (sadly I was right). I managed to get into his emails then change the password. Within the next few minutes I'd logged into his Facebook and changed the password on that too so I had access to both. He was at work so I knew I had enough time to find what I was looking for (and a whole lot more besides) before he could act on any of it. He did get an email to the alternative email address he'd set up, but the location given was more than 20 miles away. By the time he rang me at lunch time infuriated that it looked like someone had hacked his account (I think he suspected me, but only because he was guilty as hell) I didn't care because I had more than enough evidence against him.

There are vpn apps you can download on you phone. You can change your country on them - Norton is one - it does cost but in the region of about £40 for a year (there are loads of apps and some will do a free trial, just do a bit of research). Quick google will give you the instructions to make it appear as though the access attempt came from any other region.

OP - open the Messenger. Even if there was two step verification or notifications , they are rarely correct locations!

Nordvpn is about £4 per mth, you open the app on you phone and it allows you to select the country you want to appear as browsing from. This software masks you IP

Honestly my first thought about a missing half hour at a train station would be gambling. Specifically slot machines. If he’s a secret gambler it could also be a reason for his reluctance to leave his phone lying around.

I know it’s a curve ball but I’ve been there and done that.

I got into his discord last night. It was a brief look but there's been no messages sent on there since 2019, and what I could see was about the game.

I'm just going to confront today. I can't actually live like this anymore I'm becoming someone I don't like. I'll see how that goes before planning my next move.

@WashingMachineCrisis I wish it was gambling. He's quite open if he bets which isn't often, football, horses that kind of thing. But not a problem and not enough to hide it.

Your H was in EA territory with one OW and was messaging/receiving explicit photos from another. A remorseful man who is committed to restoring trust will provide transparency and open access to devices, statements, etc. Your H has blocked transparency, become secretive, and disengaged from you. Yes, you forgave and drew a line, but trust has to be rebuilt and this takes time (can be 2-5 years). Not only is his current behavior unconducive for recovery from his past wrongdoing, it is causing new feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.

I would confront. I would insist on transparency.

@MsDogLady You couldn't have put it better. I am prepared to walk away if this is going to be my future and I made that abundantly clear last time. Even IF it's nothing he's treating me like shit. I don't need it.

So sorry you are going through and have not TTWT, but I don’t think you’ll get much from FB.
Unless he is gambling, or has lost his job and hiding from you he is trying to get another one (unlikely!) it does sound very suspicious.
I don’t think you’d get anything useful from FB and agree he would get an alert which would make him suspicious if he has already gone to the lengths of deleting the apps.
I have another suggestion.
You can buy trackers on Amazon for about £40 which you can use to listen in. You put it in his car buried away somewhere inside. It cones with a SIM payg in it. You dial the tracker when he is on the phone in his car. The tracker is silent to him, but it relays the conversation to you. Beware! If it is what it sounds like then it will be very painful to you /maybe get a friend to listen in and just report back yes or no with no more details?
The tracker can also track his car if you want to know where he parks.
I don’t sell these by the way, but I know someone who did this.

@MsDogLady

Your H was in EA territory with one OW and was messaging/receiving explicit photos from another. A remorseful man who is committed to restoring trust will provide transparency and open access to devices, statements, etc. Your H has blocked transparency, become secretive, and disengaged from you. Yes, you forgave and drew a line, but trust has to be rebuilt and this takes time (can be 2-5 years). Not only is his current behavior unconducive for recovery from his past wrongdoing, it is causing new feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.

I would confront. I would insist on transparency.

Perfectly put. My exh could not grasp this. He made it a me problem when really it was a him problem. Good luck OP.

Also thoroughly agree with MsDogLady - this just isn't the behaviour of someone who knows he's done wrong and is trying to rebuild trust

Good luck with the conversation, OP, but I still wouldn't expect any disclosures. Too often such men feel there's nothing to be gained ... if they fess up you might leave them, and if you were going to leave anyway there's no point in fessing up and putting themselves in the wrong

Plus, of course, the well worn tactic of it "all being your fault" because you "wouldn't let things go and kept hassling him"

Part of me is wondering if this is getting a bit carried away, especially with everyone else's input.

From how it looks now, there is zero supporting evidence other than the calls in the car? I definitely think you're right to air you concerns and talk with him OP and see what he says and go from there.

@BrimFullOfAsher

Part of me is wondering if this is getting a bit carried away, especially with everyone else's input.

From how it looks now, there is zero supporting evidence other than the calls in the car? I definitely think you're right to air you concerns and talk with him OP and see what he says and go from there.

Yep I’m finding myself agreeing with this now. I can totally understand the temptation to spy on him or his devices but if he ever found out (and was innocent) he could rightly feel angry.

As for trackers, listening devices etc. I would be incandescent to find out my partner had done that to me and would be out the door no question. I honestly can’t understand how anyone could do that; it’s overstepping the line and smacks of control.