Snoop or not?

[thelockdown2]

NC for this as I'm active on other threads - naice penis beaker etc.
Daily Mail are wankers (just in case).

Anyway I need some advice please. I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd and I don't know if I'm being hormonally paranoid or if something is going on.

I've just got this horrible gut feeling/spidey senses that DH is doing something he shouldn't be. Our sex life has tanked, he's secretive with his phone, he parks up outside our house but is "on a work call" for 45 minutes and won't come in. He's shown very little interest in me recently.

Anyway I've acquired his passwords for Facebook messenger, google and discord. He's recently removed the apps from his phone but continues to log into them. I can only surmise that he thinks it'll be harder for me to get into if the apps aren't on his phone. Why remove them if you're still logging into them?

My question is - can I log in to these without him receiving a notification? His google account has previously been logged into my phone when he's used it, and as a result I could see his search history about 18 months ago which threw up some major questions in our relationship but we worked through it.

Now without the "don't snoop if you don't trust him just leave him" advice it's really not that simple. Am I just being insane? And if I'm not then I'll need irrefutable proof before blowing up my family.

So will he know if I log in and check?

Make not same.

Some things being suggested are illegal, recording someone without their knowledge
OP, let’s say you do all that PP have suggested and you find he is completely innocent... how will you feel knowing you broke his trust and privacy?
It just seems to me the easiest thing is to ask!
I’m not suggesting you demand his phone or outright accuse him. Just start the conversation by saying how insecure you’re feeling and you really need his support and honesty. I can’t see why anybody would become angry or defensive when asked by their DP to look at their phone. It’s not about trust, it’s communication.
Maybe you should just call it a day anyway? You don’t trust him and now... if he’s had notifications, he won’t trust you

Snoop.

@Rockinmomma Honestly though what man says "ok yep I've been going x y and z" if I ask him if there's anything I need to know?

I'm not saying you're wrong - maybe I do need to call it a day. But I can't just write off my marriage so easily.

A man who loves and respects you? Who you trust is being honest?
All I know is I’ve been where you are and yep, it was utterly shite.
But what I’ve learnt from my ExH and relationships since is I’d rather be happy on my own than in a relationship with no trust, honesty, communication and constant doubt.
5 years on I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and my DC are happy too

I can't just write off my marriage so easily

I really do get this too, but let's suppose you find a load of messages to other women on his phone. Knowing he got away with it last time he'll tell you:

It was "just chat" and he never intended taking it further
Okay he did meet someone but it was "just coffee" (sound familiar?)
Actually he did have sex but it was just the once and didn't mean anything
... and then he'll start blaming you because you "wouldn't let his one mistake drop" and "didn't trust him"

Unfortunately, when it gets to this stage, it's all so sadly predictable

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I can't just write off my marriage so easily

I really do get this too, but let's suppose you find a load of messages to other women on his phone. Knowing he got away with it last time he'll tell you:

It was "just chat" and he never intended taking it further
Okay he did meet someone but it was "just coffee" (sound familiar?)
Actually he did have sex but it was just the once and didn't mean anything
... and then he'll start blaming you because you "wouldn't let his one mistake drop" and "didn't trust him"

Unfortunately, when it gets to this stage, it's all so sadly predictable

Sadly I've heard these statements myself. and they do seem to all use the same script unfortunately.

Check his phone in the night when his asleep take it to the bathroom and lock the door. You need to know

Any updates?? Hooe your ok op x

@Rockinmomma it's not illegal to record someone without their knowledge.

Puzzledandpissedoff

Oh wow... that really touched a nerve for me. I have heard all of that shit before. Thankfully not from my DH, but from my partner before him... same shit every single time. They never change.

@Poppyapplebobber hey sorry no update. I did try and look last night. Despite the new phone his pin is the same but hardly anything has been set up. So I'll look again tonight.

Obviously if it's texts/WhatsApp that'll just be deleted but the battery usage is what I want to look at.

Still want to get into messenger - as I think that's where he keeps his secrets as he's deleted the app icon.

Thanks all.

Controversial from me, but if you are working, PG and have two children - I’d say preserve yourself and let him get on with whatever he is doing.

@HarveysPJs I'm open to all ideas - how do I preserve myself?

Sounds like he is a cheat, untrustworthy and not behaving as your husband - so I’d stop viewing him as such. I’d see him as someone who provides companionship and financial support for your family. I’d also stop being a wife - and feel free to do what I want in the future.

Depends if you can live like that - I personally think I could, I think many people couldn’t.

I wouldn’t hate him, as I think so many people are flawed like this and do cheat.

HarveysPJs

Depends if you can live like that - I personally think I could, I think many people couldn’t.

I think you’d be surprised at how many people could and do .

Don't suppose you could talk this over with someone IRL who knows both of you? It's going to gnaw away at you whatever comes out.

@HarveysPJs That sounds relatively rational. Problem is, is that possible when you love someone??

@MyOtherProfile To be honest it's embarrassing - my suspicions? What if I'm wrong? Then someone else has been put in a position to judge us both.

@Dontletitbeyou quite possibly! I have a family, but haven’t got married. Largely because I think marriage vows are just an impossible promise to make. I can’t imagine how anyone has time to cheat while working and supporting a family of 2/3 children. I’d just milk the situation for my benefit, see him as a bit of an idiot - and look after myself and my children.

@thelockdown2 I’d say I love my DP is more like a sibling-type love? - not like a ‘husband’. So my love for him would still be there, even if he cheated. I don’t know if that makes sense?

Perhaps instead of the emotional energy of snooping/unsureness - tell him you love him very much, you’re feeling (I would think) - emotional, hormonal, exhausted, tell him you realise that sex/intimacy hasn’t been the priority, tell him how much you need his support, tell him how important your family are to you, and tell him you are scared he might be cheating - and ask him how you can work through this together.

I dont Think i could live like that, id like to think that all i would care about is myself and kids but it would drive me insane to think and there was something going in and i was being lied too.
My DP was cheated on, so he knows how it feels, we have a mutual understanding that if one of us was to cheat it would be all over and if a head was "turned" then it needs acknowledgment

Sorry to throw a curve ball, but are you sure he hasn't got two profiles set up on his phone? And the apps are on the other profile?

So for example the PIN you know opens one without and he has a separate Pin you don't know to acc8the other?