Snoop or not?

[thelockdown2]

NC for this as I'm active on other threads - naice penis beaker etc.
Daily Mail are wankers (just in case).

Anyway I need some advice please. I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd and I don't know if I'm being hormonally paranoid or if something is going on.

I've just got this horrible gut feeling/spidey senses that DH is doing something he shouldn't be. Our sex life has tanked, he's secretive with his phone, he parks up outside our house but is "on a work call" for 45 minutes and won't come in. He's shown very little interest in me recently.

Anyway I've acquired his passwords for Facebook messenger, google and discord. He's recently removed the apps from his phone but continues to log into them. I can only surmise that he thinks it'll be harder for me to get into if the apps aren't on his phone. Why remove them if you're still logging into them?

My question is - can I log in to these without him receiving a notification? His google account has previously been logged into my phone when he's used it, and as a result I could see his search history about 18 months ago which threw up some major questions in our relationship but we worked through it.

Now without the "don't snoop if you don't trust him just leave him" advice it's really not that simple. Am I just being insane? And if I'm not then I'll need irrefutable proof before blowing up my family.

So will he know if I log in and check?

Think id just nick the fuckers sim card and browse at my leisure

I haven't read all the thread but I'm relating a bit to this, I was in pretty much the same position just before Christmas. I found a text to a girl at work that had crossed into inappropriate, was a work joke but I didn't like seeing it, I didn't see his work lads banter side as it isn't him at all, been together 13 years, have a kid, he's never been secretive of his phone, but since then Iv never got over it, we're still working thru it but my paranoia is off the scale sometimes, not all the time but sometimes I check his phone which I don't wana be doing, I never find anything, but panic doing it. I'm also so down all the time cuz I think back to it and it's still upsets me. Iv said many a time I wish I'd never seen it. I honestly dunno what to suggest , just wanted you to know I know the feeling all too well!! Xxx

So I knew which train he got on to go home ... We've had a half an hour window where time can't be accounted for

TBF there could be any number of innocent explanations for this, but I don't imagine I'm alone in reading about a missing half hour - in the vicinity of a train station of all things - and thinking "oh dear"

Would you be able to say "dh, I've this horrible gut feeling that something is going on and I want to see your phone" ?
In your position I'd just go ahead and log in though and bollocks to him getting a notification

@Lollyneenah

Would you be able to say "dh, I've this horrible gut feeling that something is going on and I want to see your phone" ? In your position I'd just go ahead and log in though and bollocks to him getting a notification

I think this is how I’d have to handle it too, couldn’t be doing with the continued stress of not knowing

Last night I went to check and he had work email notifications and a text from his boss on his Home Screen so I couldn't unlock the phone without him knowing. I'll give it one last try tomorrow.

Does anyone know anything about the VPN software that shows you at a different location??

I tried looking at the widget on the left that shows the app usage but it didn't come up without the PIN.

I think I'm just going to sit him down and talk. I may never know the truth - even if I did have the phone in my hand what's to stop him deleting stuff.

@Puzzledandpissedoff It is "oh dear" isn't it.

Honestly just log into messenger, don't mention anything at all about notifications. Did you say you can access emails? If so quickly log on and delete the notification. If not don't worry.

If there's something to hide he'll be shit scared of mentioning to you, if he does mention it, just explain as you to not have a Facebook acc yourself you just wanted to check if someone was on that you wanted to speak to or just act oblivious. Do not speak to him without proof as he will give him chance to clear his tracks

I'd give up on the phone and just get a listening device for his car. I had a quick look on Amazon and they seem pretty easy to get hold of.

I don’t think this has been suggested but if you go to settings...privacy...location services....system services....significant locations - this will show the addresses and places the phone has been. Including dates, times, and how long it was there.
I don’t know with newer phones if it would be Face ID protected though.

Wow @BloodyMenNameChange ! I did not know significant locations existed! Mines turned off

Even if you dont find anything, his behaviour has been awful.

In terms of location showing up on the notifications, it doesn't pinpoint an actual address, usually its a general area and not always accurate. It might give an IP address though and will sometimes list the device used. But unless you have a static IP address with your internet provider (very rare for home internet) all you need do is turn your modem off and back on again to refresh the IP. So if he checks at home if the IP address is the same as whats in the notification, it won't be after you've switched modem on/off. You can check it before hand by going to whatismyip.com and then check it after you do the switch on/off before you log into anything

Why not just go through everything while he is asleep, if you find something you've got him bang to rights, if not then you can sit him down and tell him you did it and why. That you know about him not being in work when he said he was and how his behaviour has been off, just like last time when he was doing something wrong.

Only do that IF after checking his phone means theres nothing else to check.

Personally I'd leave a phone on record in his car. If his car has pockets on the back of the front seats then that's a perfect place to hide a recording device. I'd also switch on location services so you know where he's been.

Alternatively you can buy a tracker in the chemist, designed for people with dementia but will serve the same purpose. They're not expensive at all.

Goodluck, it's a horrible and soul destroying situation to find yourself in, especially at a time when you should be happy and excited! I really hope you find out one way orth other soon

@Lollyneenah

Would you be able to say "dh, I've this horrible gut feeling that something is going on and I want to see your phone" ? In your position I'd just go ahead and log in though and bollocks to him getting a notification

This is a great way of showing him you don't trust him and is likely to end your marriage. Even people who have nothing to hide don't like feeling like they're not trusted.

I had a gut instinct with my exp and I asked calmly to look at his phone, said I was just feeling my spidey senses tingling. I didn't get to see the phone, and he ended the relationship stating that if I didn't trust him then there was no point. In fact he then told all our friends that I was insecure and had trust issues. Not a clue if he was up to something, but what had been a decent relationship up to that point ended relationship ended nonetheless.

I guess I'm just saying how much are you willing to give up for this hunch?

I disagree with above. You should be able to say when you are not comfortable with a partners behaviour.

He takes phone calls on his car ffs. Of course that would seem suspicious and justify her uncomfortable feeling.

In a partnership you should be able to say you find someone inappropriate behaviour inappropriate and be met with understanding and appology and know the behaviour will no longer be repeated. You should be able to talk about your insecurities.

Having said that, I'm bot saying she should ask him straight as op clearly feels he will not give her a straight answer or give a shit that she feels insecure.

That alone is enough to walk away from someone in my opinion. But I think it wise to find out what's what first and gather evidence incase of divorce. Snoop away.

@Bunnymumy I totally agree, we should feel comfortable and able to ask things like that if our partners. Unfortunately that's clearly not really how it pans out in many cases. They either become defensive, turn it around on you, or walk away from the relationship labelling you insecure

What would happen if you asked him outright to let you check his phone?

[quote WanderlustWitch]@Bunnymumy I totally agree, we should feel comfortable and able to ask things like that if our partners. Unfortunately that's clearly not really how it pans out in many cases. They either become defensive, turn it around on you, or walk away from the relationship labelling you insecure [/quote]
Sure, if they are total bastards that have been up to exactly what you suspected they were up to, they do.

But in a healthy relationship with someone who isn't a cunt, this wouldn't happen. So if it does - you know you're better off without them anyway!

It is "oh dear" isn't it

Impossible to actually know at this stage, but as said the missing half hour in the area of a train station sounds pretty ominous to me

Or maybe I'm just projecting because prostitutes are what it turned into with mine ... 30 plus years of using them actually

@Bunnymumy that’s precisely my point
Having ‘settled’ myself for 10 years I downright refuse to now

All credit to you, Rockinmomma, if you can keep your head down for a decade and resist going further into things for the sake of ... what? Peace of mind?

I couldn't find any myself and trying nearly destroyed me, but you're clearly a better woman than me (which admittedly wouldn't be difficult ...)

I had a gut instinct with my exp and I asked calmly to look at his phone, said I was just feeling my spidey senses tingling. I didn't get to see the phone, and he ended the relationship stating that if I didn't trust him then there was no point. In fact he then told all our friends that I was insecure and had trust issues. Not a clue if he was up to something, but what had been a decent relationship up to that point ended relationship ended nonetheless.

So you had a gut feeling he was being unfaithful, told him, asked to see your phone.

He refused to show you his phone, dumped you right there and then and told everyone you were a crazy bunny boiler to make you look bad.

Rather than discussing what could possibly be upsetting you and wanting to make things / you feel better. As normal (innocent) people do.

Are you new to mumsnet??

*his phone

@LemmysAceCard

Yes i would check that first. Also on an iphone if you swipe right and scroll down there is a widget which shows a snap shot of how long you have been on apps, but this can be deleted as i found out. If he doesnt know about it he might not be on guard and you dont need to log into the phone to see this info.

My understanding of this (screentime) is that it can be turned off or on, but never deleted. It either shows you everything or nothing?

For example, I know that screentime shows all the websites you've been on too rather than 'safari' especially if there's an app for it, i.e. in this case it would show the app logo for Discord rather than www.discord.com?