Well it was all quite stressful and emotional.
I laid it out, quite calmly and said - I've noticed x y and z and it's making me feel incredibly insecure, given the history, and I need full transparency, but I also need some truth now.
To his due, he did seemed completely blind sided by it all and I asked for his phone. I really didn't want to actually go through it once it was in my hands. But he didn't even flinch just unlocked it and passed it over. I had a quick look at the battery usage and there was no Facebook no messenger no nothing. Although the phone is a week old but all week he's not been on the apps. Looked at his internet history and nothing remarkable. Quick flick through messages.
I explained why I felt like I did and he had the grace to look quite gutted - agreed that this new job had been all consuming and left no time for family, me, kids etc.
I dithered asking about why the apps were deleted on his other phone but didn't want to give away that I know the passwords or PIN yet.
The missing pay he said he actually kept track of to send to HR as he was working those two days - he searched his emails back to August to show me that he had chased it. So I felt like a dick.
He explained the phone calls and the missing time and asked me for the dates to show the call logs - calls to the director etc. Although I couldn't remember specifically when it was he scrolled through and told me to look. Can easily delete call logs though.
He was apologetic and said he will make more effort, the sex thing he's physically and mentally exhausted with this new job and it's "not that he doesn't want to" but is so tired etc.
I didn't want it to be a competition of who's got it worse so I pointed out whilst I'm here, enabling this new career of his, holding the fort, doing everything with the kids, pregnant, working in my own incredibly stressful role, I don't shut him out - I actively support him. I don't any of that in return. (Didn't say this but let's be honest I carry the biggest workload and mental load undoubtedly).
He agreed and apologised and said that he will make more effort etc, he loves me, we are a team, his wife three kids. He's gone to work today but said FaceTime him whenever I want. He said he feels a lot of pressure to financially provide for all this stuff that we want and need and I actually got quite insulted as we earn near enough the same money and share bills equally - so what the hell does he think I contribute then?
He also asked if any of this was pregnancy related - am I hormonal essentially. I said if he dare suggest that I'm crazy because I'm bearing his child then he can go.
I did have to refer to the previous indiscretions which I struggled to - given that I forgave him so I can't use it to beat him around the head with whenever things go slightly south. But it's fed this insecurity in me that's not shifting. He acknowledged that and didn't argue but could see he didn't like it.
So, I don't know. I'm still keeping the passwords in my back pocket if I need them. I really didn't want to be the tracking, phone checking crazy insecure wife but it's an option if I need it. Whilst I believe him, on this occasion - I feel actually really deflated and quite down. Not relieved like I thought I would. If he's not cheating or up to something then I'm just low on the list of priorities. Drained.
Not really sure where to go from here.