Snoop or not?

[thelockdown2]

NC for this as I'm active on other threads - naice penis beaker etc.
Daily Mail are wankers (just in case).

Anyway I need some advice please. I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd and I don't know if I'm being hormonally paranoid or if something is going on.

I've just got this horrible gut feeling/spidey senses that DH is doing something he shouldn't be. Our sex life has tanked, he's secretive with his phone, he parks up outside our house but is "on a work call" for 45 minutes and won't come in. He's shown very little interest in me recently.

Anyway I've acquired his passwords for Facebook messenger, google and discord. He's recently removed the apps from his phone but continues to log into them. I can only surmise that he thinks it'll be harder for me to get into if the apps aren't on his phone. Why remove them if you're still logging into them?

My question is - can I log in to these without him receiving a notification? His google account has previously been logged into my phone when he's used it, and as a result I could see his search history about 18 months ago which threw up some major questions in our relationship but we worked through it.

Now without the "don't snoop if you don't trust him just leave him" advice it's really not that simple. Am I just being insane? And if I'm not then I'll need irrefutable proof before blowing up my family.

So will he know if I log in and check?

@thelockdown2 you can log in on a computer if it's easier than the app. I don't think he will get notifications.

@Poppyapplebobber I will log in - I just need to know what the notifications will say! Will he know it's me?

I would snoop wether he sees it or not. I think it's best to talk about it first though in case you don't need to.
If he loves you and there has been this past issue you worked through then the two of you will be able to work it through.
You could say- "listen, it might just be pregnancy paranoia, but help me out- show me your FB and messenger. I know I'm probably just being silly (🤢) but you would make me feel better if you did."
If he doesn't....your 'silly' feelings are right and it's best to know. Doesn't matter what excuse he gives if he doesn't show them to you THEN and THERE- he's hiding and it's best to swallow the fear and get on with separating.
Good luck xxxx

[quote thelockdown2]@Lipz Thank you that is really really helpful.
So only if he's changed the settings will he get a notification.
Say he DOES receive a notification - will it say where it's come from? So could I please ignorance and act like I don't know what he's talking about if it does come up in conversation?

I could probably log into his emails at the same time as it looks like he uses the same password but I don't want to trigger a text or anything to say that someone is logging in to that too. [/quote]
I remember having to go in and deactivate my notifications on Facebook as I was getting so many notifications due to me using different devices for fb and messenger so I am 99.9% sure that fb is set to send notifications unless you go in and deactivate it.

Most of the time the location is wrong, one time my notification said the account was logged in 100s of miles away, however it doesn't say who so you could play dumb.

There's just so many connections with accounts, it's hard not knowing what he has notifications for. One time dh has logged into his Gmail from my phone but didn't log out, when I went into Gmail to check my own emails dhs Gmail page came up, he was in work and he phoned me to say he got a notification to say his account was accessed, he was checking if someone else had accessed it as I often go into his emails to send stuff.

The only thing I can say that we don't get notifications through text messages, it's all emails. So you could log into his email and delete the notification that you accessed his emails on a different device, then log into the accounts you want to access and just keep deleting the email notifications immediately making sure to empty trash. It's a chance though, you really need to hope that if he has his emails set to bleep on his phone when he gets a new email that he doesn't check it straight away. You could do it when he's there with you, say he's sleeping, that way you know he won't be checking his phone, when he opens the message for new emails there won't be anything there as you'll have deleted it making sure to remove them from trash too.

[quote Heartofstrings]@thelockdown2 you can log in on a computer if it's easier than the app. I don't think he will get notifications.[/quote]
A computer is a device and if he has his notifications turned on it will notify him.

[quote thelockdown2]@LemmysAceCard Yes it's an iPhone. [/quote]
If you go into settings and then look at the battery it tells you how much percentage has been spent on each app, so if he has been spending time on an app which is not in his phone then he has been deleting it off his phone but it still shows up on battery report.

It only notifies if you are accessing fb from a 'new device'. Even then...I think it gives you the option before doing so.

If u use a joint home computer then it should be fine. But I wouldnt use your phone.

@LemmysAceCard Holy shit. I've just looked on my own phone in settings and didnt even know that was a thing!!

Do you think maybe before snooping I should check that first? Give him the benefit of the doubt??

Yes i would check that first. Also on an iphone if you swipe right and scroll down there is a widget which shows a snap shot of how long you have been on apps, but this can be deleted as i found out. If he doesnt know about it he might not be on guard and you dont need to log into the phone to see this info.

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

@Lipz Honestly that is so helpful and thank you so much.

He has his phone on loud and is accessing his emails all day long whilst at work - so it's not an option for me then to log in and delete the notifications. Not during the day anyway.

I may just log into discord and then check the battery usage before planning my next move.

I do wonder however - as he has been logged into his google account on my phone before, do you think that would send a notification to him? His search history was very informative last time and it could be again?

I have two Facebook accounts and every time I log in one I get a message asking if it’s me and says the city

@LemmysAceCard Wow - will definitely have a look tonight then. Thank you so much.

@incognitomum Thank you. Just have this horrible sick stress feeling and I Don't want to wind myself up when I'm pregnant.

@Mamadothe Is it just the city?? Do you think turning off my location services would stop that?

I did bring this up casually about two weeks ago. I said I felt like something was "amiss" and I couldn't put my finger in it. He said that as far as he was concerned everything was good? And didn't think anything out of the ordinary.
I don't know if he's just really wrapped up in this new job or if there's someone/something else. But the apps will tell me if I can get into them.

[quote thelockdown2]@Lipz Honestly that is so helpful and thank you so much.

He has his phone on loud and is accessing his emails all day long whilst at work - so it's not an option for me then to log in and delete the notifications. Not during the day anyway.

I may just log into discord and then check the battery usage before planning my next move.

I do wonder however - as he has been logged into his google account on my phone before, do you think that would send a notification to him? His search history was very informative last time and it could be again? [/quote]
im sure a notification will happen from google even if he has been logged in, i logged into google on my desktop yesterday (hadnt been logged in for ages) and got the prompt

I kinda agree with PP about talking to him, that’s what I did
I had suspicions (also pregnant at the time) and asked to look at his phone. He refused, said a load of nonsense so I pushed it til he crumbled and admitted his affair
If he’s nothing to hide then he’ll happily pass you his phone

@chipsandpeas That pisses on my parade but thank you.

I bet he is still seeing the flower girl.

Can you log in at night when he is sleeping, use both phone and computer at the same time.

@Newwayofthinking Without drip feeding they did meet up around the flower episode. Hence why we had so much to work through.
It's annoying as I don't have Facebook or anything so I can't stalk her.

@Rockinmomma That's so shit I'm so sorry that happened.

What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over...be careful....once something has been seen or uncovered it may very well ruin your life x

@foreverandalways My exact fear. I'm terrified.

[quote thelockdown2]@foreverandalways My exact fear. I'm terrified. [/quote]
I would rather know. I would prefer to have my world ripped apart than live a lie. My DP was chasing a mutual friend i found out and although it blew my world apart (and i forgave him) i was glad i knew and that all the little things my gut was screaming at was true and despite all his lies i knew. I am not going to lie it killed me but i prefer that to living in ignorance.

He has done something else now which i am not happy about and lied about it but at least i know what i am dealing with and how to plan accordingly. Rather than blind trust and devotion i want to know the truth.

@LemmysAceCard This is it - do I torture myself forever? Feel sick every day? Or just rip the plaster off and know the truth.

You're right that blind trust just can't happen it's not in going with your human instinct.

I really hope you're ok too.