Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

Tbh maybe I'm naive but I don't know too much about Bpd. She didn't tell me right away, it's only recently I found out. She hasn't really showed any signs of any problems until now. So someone with this personality disorder you're saying shouldn't ever be in a relationship?

If she has been officially diagnosed with BPD then I suggest you research it. It can be a very challenging disorder to manage both for the person with it and the person in the relationship with them. They are very black and white and the condition revolves a lot around fear of being abandoned so I am curious that she wants to be left alone? People with BPD can (not always) jump from one relationship to another and overlap as their fear of being left or abandoned means they often have several relationships on the go at the same time. They can be amazing in the beginning and will make you feel you are the best thing in the world and morph into your world so easily. Quite often it will be the best sex you have ever had too. Does any of this sound familiar? Not all these traits will be displayed with your partner. Do lots of research, understand it and try and figure out if you can handle it. The reason I know? 15 years ago I was swept off my feet by someone with BPD. It was the ride of my life. It crucified me too. He is still in touch sending me love letters and poems when he falls out with his current squeeze. Understand her, listen to her and figure out how you can help her. Therapy can help people with BPD but they have to find a certain therapist as some can be quite manipulative to the therapist. I don't want to make sweeping statements as its can be such a debilitating condition for those with it. Its a constant struggle at times. Good luck OP.

Maybe you should do some research into BPD/EUPD and consider if it's something you can handle
Is she in therapy? How much insight and responsibility does she have?

Thanks @litterbird she's mentioned people with Bpd often get called manipulative and she said she's not that way but it's just one min she will feel a certain way and the next she can change instantly.
Also fear of being abandoned she also mentioned. So I do feel this is strange that she wants to be left alone.
I know she's feeling anxious about the current lockdown as exercise helps her. I also know she's stressing about work and a few other things which she's told me about. When she felt overwhelmed last time she still spoke to me and was OK, so I'm confused why she wants to be left alone unless it's something to do with me this time.
I thought because her last relationship was long term her Bpd wasnt a problem.

@bunnymumy she said she was worried I would goggle it as maybe I'd go running, I've tried my best not to and just hear it from her as to how it feels and how she thinks.

@litterbug oh there's a cycle to their feelings? That doesn't sound great. Only thing I can think of that's annoyed her is I've been falling asleep early on her because I've been so tired recently. Literally the only thing

She's not manipulating you, she has mood swings. She want's to be alone so she can be in control of her emotions and not lash out at you because you're there.

She's not a fucking psychopath like the vile comparison before. She's a human being with a mental disorder that most psychiatrists now believe is more like complex post traumatic disorder. Yes things might be hard at times but they are in any relationship especially one where someone is ill physically or mentally but she sounds like she is coping well with her illness.

There are some horrible, ableist comments on this thread. Some people think it is acceptable to stereotype a whole group of people, it's not, it's discrimination.

Peanut, it sounds like your girlfriend is able to manage her condition well. She articulates when she is feeling unwell and knows how to manage it by resting and having some time alone. Please don't judge your girlfriend based on some bitter women on the internet, you're the one that knows her. Not them. I know several women with BPD, some can manage relationships (and are better for them), some unfortunately are not. Like with any health condition, it affects people in different ways.

Someone can be fearful of abandonment but also need time alone. She knows that you're there after she's been able to rest. I expect the fear would be if she thought you wouldn't be there in the future, so it's a real positive that she can rely on you.

Honestly it's sad to read these sweeping, ignorant messages. Remember none of those replying to you are psychiatrists..also what's with the drama of the posts?
Your partner has a disorder that she recognises AND knows how to deal with hence asking for space.
Asking for space isn't manipulative or something you have to see as a red flag.
Jeez
Obvs if you don't like the space element then you might not be suited but I'm sure as she trusts you more I truly believe she will be stable and you can grow together. The relationship is way too early to be at that stage, just give it time

It's not a vile comparison. Psychopathy, npd and bpd are all cluster b personality disorders. It's fact. Like it or or not. No matter how sorry you may feel for the sufferers.

Psychopaths are humans too. Some of them lead perfectly normal lives. They can be smart, rich, beautiful and creative. Still probably would rather not date someone with it.

Psychopaths and borderline personality disorders are NOT the same thing

@Peanutbutterjelly10.. Mine used to get annoyed if I fell asleep before him too. He used to wake me up even if I was exhausted and tell me off for falling asleep before him. he felt alone and abandoned if I fell asleep before him. Its a very difficult disorder to deal with and is tragic to watch someone you love try and deal with these overwhelming feelings.

Didnt say they were. Said they fall under the same cluster of personality disorder. Which has certain linked traits. But of course ppl with these disorders are all on a spectrum.

@KilljoysDutch

She's not manipulating you, she has mood swings. She want's to be alone so she can be in control of her emotions and not lash out at you because you're there.

She's not a fucking psychopath like the vile comparison before. She's a human being with a mental disorder that most psychiatrists now believe is more like complex post traumatic disorder. Yes things might be hard at times but they are in any relationship especially one where someone is ill physically or mentally but she sounds like she is coping well with her illness.

I was wondering that too- perhaps she knows that her feelings/behavior aren’t rational atm so she’s trying to protect you from them? That suggests a kind, caring person who has genuine feelings for you.

I have no personal experience of BPD in a relationship so I’m sure others posters can give you better insights- but that’s my gut relation to tonight’s behavior. Take care of yourself.💐

No being a psychopath and BPD is pretty polar. Look it up it's so opposite to psychopathy

Also to all those giving anecdotes about their apparent BPD partners can you fact check and state of they were diagnosed with this condition. If not it's really dangerous to spout stories about partners who haven't been diagnosed and we're simply abusive or unwell with another psychiatric disorder

These are disgusting generalisations. People with personality disorders are not a homogenous group - some may be taking the right medication and engaging with therapy and have enough insight into their condition to manage it, others may not. The fact she’s told you and been honest with you suggests she has a grasp of her illness and is doing her best to mitigate its effects. Don’t let ignorant, prejudiced comments affect your judgement, at the end of the day it’s your decision whether the relationship is right for you but make that decision based on who she is, not what a bunch of ill-informed randoms say online

Please look at the NHS website. It is very comprehensive
'Over time, many people with BPD overcome their symptoms and recover. Additional treatment is recommended for people whose symptoms return.'

If she were a psychopath that is something that will never change, she can learn behaviours but can't snap out of being a psychopath whereas bpd is something she is clearly getting help for

Wow, it's shocking that lack of understanding being shown here.
As someone with bpd, who has been married for 20+ years, can I just say we are not all like that?

It impacts different people in different ways, for me I need to be in control, and look after everyone. I take on too much, and then get overwhelmed, but struggle on asking for help the right way.
It doesn't mean I cheat, or drop my friendships or stage big dramas.
I turn my hurt and anger inwards, to protect the people around me.

Bpd has different causes, different treatment (I love a good bit of DBT) and different outcomes, as carried as the people living with it.

PS op you sound like you care and want to help. Just give her the space and perhaps chat through what works best for both of you if she is struggle. You can put a plan in place this will also make her feel safe

I think anyone comparing BPD to sociopathy and psychopathy are completely ignorant of the fact that people with BPD feel empathy almost too strongly and often struggle so much with the guilt of hurting others. I have two good friends with it, and it's a constant internal struggle for them. One has it very well under control and knows when to ask for space, to rest, to have some self care time. I'm shocked at some of these posts. It will probably be harder work than being in a relationship with someone without a personality disorder (I bloody hate that term anyway), but if your girlfriend is able to manage it and recognise when she is starting to feel overwhelmed then she's a bloody strong woman and deserves your understanding. She may feel that if you are offended or upset by her asking for space that it's all too much for her - she has a lot on just managing her own feelings and mental health so if you are going to stay together, try to take her at her word and understand that the space is just something she needs to recover from some intense emotions and feelings, not to manipulate you. If it turns out that she is being manipulative and nasty, clearly you should leave her but try to respect that she has done a lot of hard work to be able to understand what she needs.

I can not believe some of the threads on here. Don't you dare class bpd sufferers as sociopaths and psychopaths. It's NOTHING LIKE THEM.

And littlebird we can have relationships. I'm happily married for over a decade with two kids! And I definitely do not manipulate him. Whoever you were with was obviously a person who manipulates and you didn't realise for 18 months but that is NOT a trait or symptom of BPD

Seriously Do your research before commenting just because you have heard it in a film.

Well said Seafog
I was diagnosed with possible BPD years ago on top of eating disorders and PTSD
From an extremely traumatic event.

I've never cheated, I don't rely on alcohol, I have lots of good friends and a loving husband. My husband has helped me build trust and learn that I can have a relationship without being dropped and left
This took months for me to trust him, little by little. I adore my husband, we argue like normal couples but now I know this is ok.
I do need space but don't most ppl.