Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

@LadyinParis....lovely post, good luck with your forthcoming nuptials.

@Bunnymumy

*and before anyone says it, no of course I dont think everyone with bpd is emotionally abusive.

Exactly @bunnymumy, and why should others accept being manipulated and having their own mental health wrecked because the other person has BPD. The manipulation (which I know is unintentional because his ex is perceiving things differently) was exhibited just 2 months in! It's fortunate that she herself ended it otherwise the OP could have ended up sucked into a horrible situation due to his anxiety to please. The posts on here all scream why the OP should run a mile because he would be gas lighted into thinking HE has the problem.

The ex deliberately wasn't open with him beforehand to explain what to expect from her in regards to BPD and the fact she told him he shouldn't even research into BPD was quite controlling. Like, how dare he read about her medically diagnosed condition and find out what sort of symptoms he may be letting himself in for? He said she wasn't accepting proper treatment and for all he knows, she could have intensely angry outbursts which could be dangerous/frightening for him.

*Lilywater
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Are you under the impression that i have bpd and that's why I'm challenging you're assertions? I don't. I just disagree with your comments about people who do.

*Bunny
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No idea why your bringing bpd into this, no one else has.

I definitely don't lump people with npd together, and I think the way people who've behaved badly as 'narcs' is pretty appalling actually.

So no, I'm not a hypocrite. I stand up for all people who suffer from mental illness who are willing to do the work and take responsibility for their own recovery.

*Bunny
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Sorry *no idea why you're bringing npd into this!

Autocorrected 🙈

litterbird

Thank you, that’s really lovely. It’s hard to talk about because of the shame I carry over my past behaviour. But it needs talking about to minimise stigma and to inform people who don’t know about it and who may find themselves in relationships with someone with it. So that people with it feel less shame, and people in a relationship with someone who has it are both aware of the issues, but equally not scared off of all people by scare tactics such as this post I read:

If it is borderline personality disorder then the OP needs to remove himself from the relationship and situation immediately, because you're exactly right, there's no medication for BPD, since it's their actual personality. I now understand the previous replies on this thread. Borderline is a whole other ball game . OP do not under ANY circumstances, let her reel you back in!

I’m not sure who posted this as it was someone replying to this but it is so devastatingly incorrect and would scare anyone away! It’s a disorder, not a personality. If it was a personality then it wouldn’t be classed as a disorder. As for the remove from the situation immediately bpd is a whole other ball game and do not under ANY circumstances let her reel you back in these are pure scare tactics from someone who has no idea of what borderline personality disorder is. It is in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders- by the APA for the classification of mental disorders) for a reason. Personalities are not. I wish people would educate themselves. Anyway that was a tangent but thank you litterbird it was nice to have well wishes and means a lot!

*Ladybird
*
Thank you so much for posting, I'm sorry about the things you've had to read on this thread.

Anyone who has overcome any mental illness deserves a huge amount of respect as far as I'm concerned

withgraceinmyheart such lovely posts and I agree with this in particular So no, I'm not a hypocrite. I stand up for all people who suffer from mental illness who are willing to do the work and take responsibility for their own recovery.

Had I not made massive changes to improve my own issues with my borderline then I could not expect someone to be with me just because I ‘have a disorder’. I did take responsibility for my own mental health and I am now able to feel much less shame because of that. I appreciate people like you who take such an approach and refuse to allow people to continue to stigmatise mental health. It does help with recovery to know not all people are so ignorant. Thank you.

@ladyinparis thank you for your reply. That was good to read. I know she had fear of abandonment and I know she's pushing me away, she's ending it before I do. Which I wouldnt have done. All I did was tell her I was going to be there until she didn't want me to be. I assured her I wanted to work through it with her. But she wouldn't even give the chance to discuss what happened over the weekend, how we could deal with it in the future. She point blank refused and walked away.
Yes I feel like as you did, if we sat down and she spoke to me about what I could expect and we could have set boundaries but again she didn't want that or even for me to Google bpd.
I'm feeling very emotionally exhausted. I've had to delete her number now because I was finding myself wanting to message her. Which I don't think is healthy.
Maybe she is fake ending it, maybe this is what she really wants but I feel I need to protect myself now.

@Bunnymumy - possibly because NPD is associated with with complete lack of empathy. BPD is not. There is actually an overflow of empathy at times.

I have not spent time with an individuals diagnosed with NPD though so do not know enough to say who true that might be overall.

I have, however, watched someone with BPD put huge amounts of time of energy supporting others who were suicidal, and being there as the most wonderful and thoughtful friend. Just not too good at extending the same kindness and compassion towards herself It so so horrible to read “Get out now” and that the disorder has no treatment. That is not true.

Can I signpost interested parties to survivors against PD on Twitter.

DixitWinner your last post is spot on

Peanutbutterjelly10 the difficulty is that often when in a meltdown or however you describe it, me I would have total breakdowns though this is just semantics- in a meltdown or breakdown when you have bpd, it is so so so hard to even start to know for yourself how you’re feeling, and why, in the moment where the emotions are completely overwhelming you and it’s so confusing and sad and scary; actually terrifying because you’re overtaken by a literal onslaught of so many negative and extreme emotions all at once, and you don’t know where to start unpacking them or how to handle them yourself, let alone able to describe or reassure someone else. Imagine someone throwing a bucket of multi colour different size beads of sand over your head and as it’s going over your head you have to know that it’s sand, and you have to figure out which direction it’s coming from and why, and you have to pick out all the colours and know all the different sizes and why they are all there, as the bucket is being poured over you. Going in your mouth and choking you and your eyes and blinding you. It is confusing and strange and terrifying and blinds you and you don’t know how to react and it feels at that moment that your life depends on how you feel right now. Except you don’t know how you feel or why. It’s very hard to know yourself when having a meltdown or breakdown in my experience so it may be a touch too far for her to be able to explain it to you to or to be able to give you any notice at all because it’s so disorientating. Even having someone try to reassure you can feel too much. So the only time that offering her support and expecting to have your own reassurance is when her meltdown is over and she can think properly again. With the post meltdown emotions of shame and guilt. So unless you can say to yourself ‘it’s not me’ and be genuinely able to wait and give her space without it affecting you, you wont be able to cope with this relationship. It isn’t easy. My fiancé went through hell we both did. Luckily I took responsibility and he was willing to work with me and it worked for us but it’s hard. I couldn’t have done what my fiancé did. You have to prioritise your own health and if it is causing you distress then sadly it does have to be over. Especially if she has the fear of abandonment which can cause the fake leaving which will be more distressing for you and confusing. It is only early. She has dealt well with it so far that I can see, she has asked for space but not being able to give you reassurance is a problem. And I know from experience she genuinely can’t right now she’s too in the thick of it herself. She has ended it and it’s all caused you a lot of upset. You must do what is right for you and be kind but careful for yourself. It’s not easy for her but it’s not easy for you either and I do really empathise

@ladyinparis can I just ask what you actually mean by fake leaving. Do you mean ending the relationship but you don't want to?
To me she seems quite sure even though she says she still has such strong feelings for me

Flittingaboutagain

Can I ask survivor in what sense? Of people who have had personality disorders and overcame them? Or are you referring to people who have been in relationships with people with them and were abused by those people who weren’t willing to work on their own mental health? I just ask because if you asked my fiancé he would find the idea of him being a survivor of me strange and offensive to me, stigmatising too, but equally if you mean survivors of people who were in relationships where the person was continually abusive because they couldn’t and wouldn’t get their own mental health under control or take responsibility, I get that. I just want to clarify if that’s ok? I have seen things like that on YouTube before where there are discussions on peoples trauma of being in a relationship with a bpd person and how people with bpd ruined their lives and shouldn’t ever be in relationships. It was really upsetting as there are many more people who do work and take responsibility for their own mental health and behaviour and can have relationships

Peanutbutterjelly10

The fake leaving I used to do as I described, was either the shame and knowing at the time he deserved better, or leaving before he left me, or leaving to get him to chase me. All of them the fear of abandonment and none of them ever wanted. I never wanted to leave him. But I couldn’t at that time articulate my emotions so I would leave it was more subconscious than something I was aware of, though looking back and having picked through the behaviour I used to exhibit back then it’s clear now. Back then I wasn’t aware I was more like a puppy dog in my head saying love me love me but not able to discuss it openly and out loud, and feeling too overwhelmed I would act impulsively and leave. It seemed the easier option also due to the shame and the overwhelming amount of feelings that I couldn’t articulate therefore he couldn’t fix then I would get angry and feel rejected because he couldn’t fix what I couldn’t even say out loud and I found it so overwhelming I would leave. I never wanted to. Now I speak when I feel. So the fake leaving could be the multitude of reasons I used to have (which I admit must be confusing just reading!) or she could genuinely want to leave. Perhaps she needed that time and space but was aware of some pressure that she would have to talk to you about it properly at some point and the idea of that could just be too much for her right now. I don’t know. The real question is can you deal with this and be happy and also keep your happiness as a priority not just her emotions?

Peanutbutterjelly10

I wouldn’t recommend reading too much into the fake leaving if that’s what she’s doing. For me, when he stopped chasing me and began to think about how this was affecting him, it flipped something in my brain that stopped my cycle of leaving and coming back. It was almost like giving a child a treat after a tantrum, he was giving me reassurance after I had behaved badly. Instead of communicating. When he stopped chasing, something in my mind sort of clicked and I calmed down much quicker, giving me time to wonder why he stopped. That was the turning point for me. I began to see what effect my behaviour was having on him and it snapped me out of the ‘me me me’ mindset. And to one of shame and introspection. And change from there. So even if she is fake leaving, it isn’t a good idea to chase. I just don’t think this is healthy for you it’s very hard. I couldn’t have managed it I would have been a wreck. So please do look after you as a priority

Please no flaming from anyone, I don’t talk about it to people as the shame is soul destroying. I’m just trying to help someone to understand whilst also protecting himself so please don’t flame. I changed my behaviour and beat myself up enough (literally more than not) to go back there

*Lady
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I think the twitter account is about abuse survivors who are against personality disorders being diagnosed when the actual problem is untreated trauma.

Ahh, I’d like to see that. Interesting because my best friend had bpd too (she’s passed) and we both had severe traumas as children and young people. Does make you think

@ladyinparis there is no need to feel ashamed. Thank you for sharing your experience it's helped me. She has very much been in the "me me me" mindset. Cannot think about my feelings at all.
I think if we spoke about it then we could have Carried on but she is not budging from the fact she felt attacked that I got upset about her meltdown and therefore she can't speak to me. Even though she's admitted she didn't want to finish it.

Yeah it’s really intense when those kind of moods come on. It’s like someone rejects and hurts and offends you in the worst way possible for the smallest thing. And you truly feel THAT hurt and like it’s real. Then once it passes there’s a quiet stubborn stage and then it passes and it’s like it never happened it’s ever so odd. It really does feel like the worst most horrible insult say you fell asleep as you say and the person is triggered or in a vulnerable moment when easily triggered; that small understandable act of being tired becomes this massive rejection in your mind, and everything after it just adds to it. I used to get furious and I mean FURIOUS if he made me tea after one of these imagined rejections as I would see it as him trying to pass off my hurt and pain with a tea 🙄 it’s so ridiculous I really police myself now. I have to, after all it is my mind telling me this- it isn’t him nor reality. It’s just how it feels at the time. Easy come easy go too. I think you’re better with someone on your level who can better care for your sensitivity. Otherwise you’ll end up a broken mess unless you steel up (and why should you, sensitivity is a lovely trait in a male and female) or you ignore your needs. Or she really gets help first. But it’s a long process it’s taken us 3 years to get to this stage (he’s stubborn and I love him so we powered on through!) how old are you? It’s only a new relationship. Really consider you here. Don’t consider her (trust me she will do enough of that, heaven knows I did and still do if I don’t watch my behaviour) consider what she brings to the table and dismiss the upset of losing a relationship for now otherwise it will influence your decision and then this will turn into a real tricky mess. Consider just what she does to make you happy. Bpd makes everything HAVE to be about you because it’s so extremely overwhelming and overpowering and truly painful it’s like being swept up in a tornado of disturbing emotions, that she won’t be able to consider you UNLESS she starts working WITH you. IF you want to that is. But that really does require point blank honesty, not asking you not to google which whilst I can understand In some way (I found some awful stuff written about people like me) sitting down and finding medical journals and sharing each other’s feelings and being educated on bpd isn’t something she should be asking you to forgo. It really helped us so much. I would read something how it affects him and be like holy shit! I have to change that and I would message him what I had found and that I understand him now, and vice versa I mean this is the minimum!

I feel for her yet I can’t bring myself to justify her either because I know from my own experience that it’s hard, so hard, but it is something you can overcome IF you are willing to work on your own mental health

In the same way I can’t justify my past behaviour either but I don’t beat myself up so much now because I have worked hard. The shame and sheer agony of these onslaughts of emotions and subsequent horrible behaviour created such self hatred in me that I would cut my wrists, scratch at my face deep scratches screaming in pain unable to understand. Bite myself. Hang off balconies. All kinds of stupid things. Set stuff on fire and laugh. It was awful but yet my real personality is genuinely so kind and calm and gentle. It made no sense to me I thought I must be a fraud. I can’t be kind etc etc. Plan my suicide all kinds. It’s so consuming. That’s why she genuinely can’t think of you at least not right now but she needs to start working on this now if she wants a future with you or anyone

Thank you paris. I would still want to try only IF she wanted to talk through it just like you did with your fiance. However, she ignored my last message and I did not want to keep messaging her and make myself look silly hence deleting her number to stop that. So on her side I really can't see her reaching out anymore to me. Which is sad, because despite her bpd we really did understand each other and were very similar.
I'm early 30s, she's the same age.