Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

Same age as us then pretty much. It’s a shame. You don’t need to keep putting yourself out messaging her when you’re not getting anywhere with her and it’s upsetting you. The reason I went into some of my grim detail is to make you hopefully see that it isn’t you or anything you could have done or not done or changed or whatever. It is all in her hands. She has to see the problem and want to change it. Perhaps she feels too ashamed to talk in detail so early, as the other posters have mentioned but I would argue the opposite really. It’s such a difficult thing to grow with someone with this issue that they should be sat down and explained to fully, research together and allowed to make their own mind if they want to take that journey with them. It is a journey. It’s not a medicated issue and even therapy can only go so far. I would say you could either keep her deleted and see what happens if she comes back all apologies soon ish (but don’t wait around if you meet someone nice do go for it) but if she does and she asks for a sit down would you want to sit with her if she say for example wants to explain fully and work together to fix it and grow together? Or would you rather find someone that is just suited to you and/ or in a better place in themselves to start with? I mean, what do you want now? If she never offers to work with you of course it’s a no goer but if she does do you want to? Or do you think over time you will take on so much blame that it’ll erode your confidence?

Sorry I just re read and saw you said you would be willing to work through it if she was

Long evening, I’m English living in Paris for my fiancé’s job (he isn’t English) and we just spent the evening on a walk which while lovely didn’t half play havoc on my joints. I’m like an old woman! Haha

For the future, would you be willing to go through some hard times for her? Because there will be some. Has she had a meltdown in front of you? You can private message if you want if it’s too personal. Just, from what I have read it seems she keeps it away from you and keeps you at arms length when having a meltdown yet still has feeling for you and I wonder if she’s embarrassed and worried she will scare you off if she’s honest about it all? But in other messages on here you seem to hint that she’s sort of gone off at you unless I read wrong. It may not seem to matter but I do suspect she will reach out again and it’s important you make the right choice for you

@LadyInParis

litterbird

Thank you, that’s really lovely. It’s hard to talk about because of the shame I carry over my past behaviour. But it needs talking about to minimise stigma and to inform people who don’t know about it and who may find themselves in relationships with someone with it. So that people with it feel less shame, and people in a relationship with someone who has it are both aware of the issues, but equally not scared off of all people by scare tactics such as this post I read:

If it is borderline personality disorder then the OP needs to remove himself from the relationship and situation immediately, because you're exactly right, there's no medication for BPD, since it's their actual personality. I now understand the previous replies on this thread. Borderline is a whole other ball game . OP do not under ANY circumstances, let her reel you back in!

It was lilywater who said the OP needs to remove himself from the relationship and situation immediately, because you're exactly right, there's no medication for BPD, since it's their actual personality

and thenwent on to say, when challenged

No backtracking at all. The replies with denial, twisting/projecting things we didn't say, and minimisation, all serve to illustrate my (and other posters') points about unhealthy dynamics and the need for others to protect their own mental health. I imagine only those who accept their diagnosis and go through proper treatment can start to recover and form healthier relationships with themselves and others.

(not quite everything has been quoted, you can read it fully).

I speak as someone with a bio. mother who was untreated and became a living nightmare to be around, btw. But I've also known a few people with BPD who have been frankly lovely people who hate their illness and do everything they can to migitate it.

I’m no expert but having a best friend for over ten years (who died) who had it (and I was one of the main recipients who learned to handle her and not be upset) and having it myself, and seeing the effect on my fiancé and hearing how your side feels in his words, I might be of help if I had more info but it’s totally up to you. It’s the anniversary of my mums suicide today and I find helping others where I can does help (is that my bpd saying me me me I wonder? ) what does she do for a job? I did find that when I actually helped others (I used to make food for the homeless and take it to them) helped me a lot with my sense of self, which is important for someone with bpd. She could volunteer somewhere and it would help, it sort of grounds you, reminds you of who you are and your worth as a human. Perhaps I’m just rambling at you now! I am sorry

Thank you SeaEagleFeather! I had lost track of who had said what by that point! And missed the back track not impressed. It’s not so easy to just get help and sort it as she seems to hint. I was misdiagnosed for one, for over ten years. Then the attempts to get help just got ridiculous. I tried and tried and the amount of falling through the cracks and not being serious enough at the time of asking for help went on for years. For example I would go to the doctor and explain very calmly and clearly and quite well spoken and insightful about my issue and this led to me seeming perfectly normal and not taken seriously. Until I had big time psychotic breaks where I would be sectioned and then let out and no follow up even when I tried myself to follow up. For me it was only when I saw what I was doing to the first man who had loved me for who I was fully, and who I loved with all my heart, truly saw the consequences of my lack of control that I started to work on it with his support and my own strength and determination to never ever put him through that pain again. That things improved for me. I know what you mean about being lovely as a person but hating that side of you. It’s so hard to treat as it is that when you are failed (genuinely) by the mental health services for so long it’s hard. But I understand what you mean by taking responsibility. I never blamed anyone but me for my actions and I resented them, and did truly want to change. Luckily now I have been able to with the help and love of this wonderful man. I am sorry about your mum it must be awful to have a parent with this, my mum had so many issues and committed suicide but she was so loving to me when she was well. It’s hard having a parent not actually parent you and I’m sorry you went through that. I was 13 at the time so I never had a parent and had to bring myself up. I’m ranting again it’s an emotional day for me sorry everyone, I’ll stop now!!

I hope it works out for you op either way. You seem like a really nice and good man with a lot to give emotionally. And that’s rare in my experience. Just don’t sell yourself short. Look after your heart

@ladyinparis ive sent you a pm

I replied just now

Hi everyone,
Just came on here tonight as I'm overthinking and feeling sad.
We exchanged some more messages but found she still couldn't give me any answers so I said this is enough now I need to move on for my own mental health.
She told me the way I had reacted was negative and not good. But I don't get who wouldnt be upset about being told you don't want to be with them all of a sudden.
She blocked me on everything.
I've been doing OK for the past few days keeping busy.
Just tonight when I'm sitting alone my mind is wandering and I'm feeling sad. Keep thinking If I could have done something different maybe we could have been together still. I miss her.

So sorry you feel like this. You cannot bend your whole self out of shape to meet her needs. Nothing you could have done would have made this better. It is her journey with this disorder and how she manages it and who she has in her life to manage it too. Please go no contact for good. Your mental health will suffer greatly if you continue communicating.

Thanks @litterbird I know logically I didn't really do anything wrong, I did my best to understand and be there. I know she has to do this journey without me. Just hard when you think about the good few months we had and then the sudden end without many answers for closure.
I really did think we were a great match until this.

litterbird is right. Take care ..

litterbird

So sorry you feel like this. You cannot bend your whole self out of shape to meet her needs. Nothing you could have done would have made this better. It is her journey with this disorder and how she manages it and who she has in her life to manage it too. Please go no contact for good. Your mental health will suffer greatly if you continue communicating.

Couldn’t agree more. Stop putting blame on yourself unless you were actually cruel which seems doubtful. It’s sad because you could have the perfect relationship but in reality she is battling a really difficult personality disorder which she perhaps needs to fix first, and the effects on you long term could be devastating. (Ask my fiancé!) it is a really difficult situation. There is you, there is her, and in a normal relationship that is all there is all that’s what you felt in the beginning. But there is also the bpd. It’s almost like another person in the relationship causing trouble between both usually happy together people. She has recognised that she isn’t ready but hasn’t yet recognised that your reaction isn’t necessarily wrong. It probably hurt her somehow but that is the bpd, not reality. So the self blame isn’t helpful for you. You didn’t do anything wrong and really she didn’t either; she expressed how she felt and whilst it is wrong to put blame on you, it is how she genuinely feels. Wrongly so, but bpd can convince you the sky is green to spite you so don’t put much thought into her blaming you. Hope you’re ok it is hard