Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

We've had a few reports about this thread, and can see a number of posts that breach guidelines and are not in the spirit of Mumsnet - so we'll be deleting them.

We hope the OP can continue to receive advice and support without posts making mass negative generalisations about a group of people living with what can be an extremely painful condition.

Already you are blaming yourself. " Only thing I can think of that's annoyed her is I've been falling asleep early on her "
That's going to be the pattern unfortunately. She will push you away, tell you she wants to be alone.
This will push your rejection buttons (as is already happening). Already you are searching your own behaviour to see what you did to cause this. But you didn't cause it. But it feels like you did.

Not many can handle being told to stay away by someone they love.

But if you want to be in a relationship with someone who tells you to stay away from them, then you better learn how to manage that.

Stop grouping all bpd people together. Some of us have different things too like ptsd but I bet you wouldn't call those sociopaths

There are traits and symptoms. These can go away too

We are not these really horrible people with no empathy and just start fights or drama.

I care too much and worry too much

Thanks for everyone's advice. There's a few contradicting things on here but from what I've seen of her she is kind and caring. She has PTSD also and is having therapy for that and her Bpd. She tries to understand it and is very aware.
This is all very new to me, just wanted to know if it was common for someone who has Bpd to get overwhelmed and want time alone?
I care about her and she does with me, I've learnt not to burn myself out to save people but all I want to be is understanding really.

Good for you and well done for caring so much. She will flourish in a relationship with a strong caring person. I wish you nothing but the best and hope she does well with her therapy. Adding PTSD onto this must be excruciating for her, I wish her all the best xx

OP it's worth knowing that more women - FAR more women - are diagnosed with BPD than men. In many cases it can also be seen as the after effects of traumatic experiences, primarily in childhood and multiple.

The behaviours, however they're labelled, can indeed be difficult to be in a relationship with and it's totally fine to not feel able, or simply want to, be in a relationship where they're a factor. At the same time, there is always more to a person than a label and it can possibly help to understand her reactions if you understand more about trauma. Jessica Taylor has talked about BPD diagnosis in women (FB/Twitter abd has a blog) and Drop the Disorder is a FB group that often discusses this disorder.

It's worth stating that you cannot help her situation in any real way other than being there for her with your own boundaries too. Her label(s) and experiences don't outweigh your presence in the relationship. Not that she says they do, but in this situation, for instance, you're feeling sad. You're allowed to. You're also allowed to discuss with her how that makes you feel and see if there's away where you can both get your needs met in a situation like this in the future. It's important that her boundaries are respected, just as much as it's important your needs equally respected.

I also have BPD and PTSD, I used to really struggle when I was younger and before I was diagnosed. I do have abandonment issues, i can be extra emotional and I do care way to much. But I have learnt when I am feeling overwhelmed with things how to manage it, asking to be left alone may be your DPs way of just coping when things do get to much, and as you are quite early on in your relationship that she isn't comfortable fully opening up to you yet (and i wouldn't feel comfortable early days either especially when you see what other people think of you with bpd like in this thread! Its horrible and embarrassing and would be alot easier if people stopped and properly educated themselves before expressing there opinions on peoples mental health). All I would suggest is if you do want the relationship to go further to let her have her space and when she's ready, talk to her and reassure her, and little by little she will let you in more. She will get there. The fact she is in therapy and recognising speaks volumes.

@DeKraai I also agree, dont be a pushover because of bpd, and have your own boundaries. Always remember to take care off yourself and don't be afraid to step away if you do find it to much. But don't label her like others, she is in therapy which honestly helps so much! Finding a middle ground with her if you plan for this to be long term is best. If she needs her space then give her space but tell her how this space makes you feel and ask her that after she's had her space that you have a conversation about it, and maybe instead of her just saying leave me alone, that she explains to you before hand shes having a bit of a wobble and could use a day to just gather her thoughts or whatever so your not just like what the fuck is going on. Need to find the middle ground you are both happy with as it is both of you in this relationship

Thank you, yes agree about the boundaries. I think I feel sad because there hasn't been reassurance on her side of a time frame eg give me tonight or a day. So I'm just sitting here like, when will I hear from her. So obviously when we do speak that's something I need to speak about with her

I feel for you, its so hard isn't it? Just learn as much about this as you can, communicate and make sure your boundaries are in place. You did nothing. Her struggles are so real and she is doing her best.

Yea it is hard. Hopefully everything will be OK tomorrow and we can talk about it. Trying not to take it personally until we have spoke and I know how she feels

She might be overwhelmed if things are going well @Peanutbutterjelly10 . It sounds weird but that can be a trigger for someone with BPD, especially around trust if she has previously been hurt or treated badly by people she trusted, so it could cause her to push you away.

It sounds like you have responded very well by respecting her need for space and not hassling her about it, and good for her that she is having therapy.

I’m not surprised she asked you not to google it, it’s a disorder with a real stigma to it, even if the behaviours are a normal reaction to traumatic events, which seem to lead to the diagnosis of BPD when it might just be the after affects trauma/abuse and might not be a “personality disorder” at all.

I agree with @DeKraai regarding the work of Jessica Taylor.

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/27/are-sexual-abuse-victims-being-diagnosed-with-a-mental-disorder-they-dont-have

This is also an interesting article.

I follow the work of Jessica taylor. Its great. I myself have been in abusive relationships and so has my partner. Although hers has been extreme and that article you posted is very interesting. It does relate to her

My sister has bpd. At her best, she is kind, generous, loving, will do anything for you, hilariously funny and loyal. At her worst, she is aggressive, dramatic, pessimistic, suspicious, paranoid and constantly seeking validation. In past relationships (which have all been long term) she has often found herself with someone she thinks she can fix - either someone with a chaotic lifestyle, or lonely, or with a mental health condition of their own - and devotes herself to them, smothering them with love and not wanting them to be out of her sight. Inevitably they have all felt suffocated by her and their own problems have meant that their own wellbeing is best served by extricating themselves from her.

She has been with her current partner for 3 years now and apart from a few anxiety attacks at the start of the relationship about the dp's feelings for her, she has transformed. The difference is that this partner is an equal to her with no chaos in their lives, happy family background, same age, similar interests and crucially the ability to stand up to her and tell her when she is being too much. If you met her, you would not know about her bpd these days. She hasn't self harmed since meeting her DP, when it was a regular feature before, with her hospital admissions being frequent.

The right partner can really make a difference in how a person manages their bpd and the fact yours has suggested time apart to help her deal with her feelings is a positive one in in my experience. It means she isn't reliant on you for validation when she is low. My sister has gone from attention seeking behaviour when struggling (holding a knife to our mum's throat, taking overdoses in front of a partner when they don't want to do what she has planned) to being content when her partner is at work or out with friends, and not panicking that they will leave her when they tell her she is being a twat. Good luck!

I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago. Fortunately I was able to afford psychotherapy and have learned to recognise the triggers and the negative thoughts. I get myself away from everyone for an hour or so until it passes. Analysing my moods and feelings helps.

It really really pisses me off when people make sweeping statements on here like they are experts about other people's mental health. I am forever reading on here when someone is abusive... oh it's bipolar. No it isn't. My sister has it and is the most mild and meek person.

To the o/p if you really want to help your partner then do your own research and most of all just takes cues from your partner. She is telling you she needs a bit of time to herself when she is feeling out of it. Just respect that and she will let you know what is good for her and what isn't. People make out that people with mental health are monsters. No wonder it is so stigmatised. I knew a girl with this and she wasn't a bad person at all.

Of course people with bpd should have a relationship. I have had three long term relationships and it was the exes that were very abusive and controlling. I made the relationships work for many years but eventually I had no choice.

Most people with bpd are not any more manipulative than anyone else. Those people that say run for thee hills are in effect saying that no one with bpd should be allowed to have a relationship. They are more than capable of a ltr. In the end its up to you but don't take all of the negative comments and think they are the only truth.

I have BPD, i feel EVERYTHING deeply and overanalyse everything. I cannot sleep on an argument and will push and push to resolve it. I am in a secure relationship and have been for 27 years. My DP and myself are very exclusive and he doesnt socialise. So our relationship works, i couldn't cope with him having other relationships, its lucky for me that it works for him too. That is the fear of abandonment for me.

I can lose my temper and that isnt funny but generally i turn it on myself. I am extremely anxious.

However, i love deeply and i am kind and decent person.

I have only been aware of my bpd for two years. I am on medication for anxiety and have attended therapy.

I am not a psychopath

Hi OP, I recommend you look up complex trauma which is a more accurate way of thinking about this diagnosis. However much you try to be supportive, depending on how challenging she finds it to manage her emotions and cope with trauma symptoms, it is important to learn now how not to take this personally. If you look up your local NHS adult mental health service it will have a carer and family group for people living with a partner with complex trauma or unmet emotional needs (usually from childhood). I suggest you attend to see what might be ahead.

I text last night just saying good night when I went to sleep, just so she knows I'm still here. How long should I wait until I hear from her? I don't think it's fair to leave me to wait for days with no contact or even an explanation. Obviously I'm giving her space atm but just unsure how long to wait.

She will have to get her emotions regulated again. Once she has conquered that she will contact you. Leave her be and hopefully when she wakes up she will reply. What can happen is when she does contact you you will get the high that being back together again gives you and it will feel great. Her emotions may get unregulated again in the future and she may pull away once more. I am confident as she is in therapy she can be helped with these emotional swings. Let’s hope when she wakes up and has a coffee she will feel brighter, more in control of her feelings and she will happily contact you.

Thanks @litterbird she has read my goodnight message a few hours ago now and still haven't heard nothing. Bit unsure what to make of that but will still give her space.
I just wish she could have reassured me