Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

It’s a conversation you will need to have with her when she returns. Remember that her emotions are deep and can feel quite scary to her so she may not be able to verbalise to you about how long she needs space for right now. You can help her next time she feels engulfed and pull away to figure out a timeline. You must take care of your own anxiety now as you have read other posters who have BPD or close to someone with BPD. There is a vast spectrum of it and people will react differently. You must put your mental health first and find ways to step away guilt and anxiety free when your girlfriend has to regulate. Perhaps later on down the line you can work together with a therapist to find a way through this. It’s really early days for you in this relationship so take a breather and see how you feel in a couple of days with what is happening.

She's just messaged me saying she hopes I don't think she's being awkward, that she just needs to get her head sorted and she hopes I'm OK and will message me later. So I guess that's something

That’s good news. Leave her be now and let her come to you, then you can figure out how this relationship is going to work for you both.

I don't think it's fair to leave me to wait for days with no contact or even an explanation.

She has told you what she needs from you right now and if after a day, you require reassurance, then you are probably in the wrong relationship. She isn’t broken and you do not need to fix her, she’s been very clear about the support that she needs and that is space. If you have codependency issues then its going to be difficult.

Right now her BPD isn’t the issue, your need to be ‘supportive’ and desire to be seen to be supportive, is.

Here's the thing though...and just 2 months in, isn't it normal to have a couple of days at a time where you dont hear from them? I mean, it isn't your live in partner.

If you're uncomfortable with just not talking for a couple of days at a time here and there already ...then that doesnt bode well moving forwards. Everyone needs a little space sometimes.

I'd be cool with seeing someone on a sunday then not hearing from them again till tues/Wednesday for a quick phone call and then nothing till seeing them on the friday/saturday. I know everyone places themselves differently in relationships but maybe if you pare it back to something like that it would be wise. It's still early days, theres no need to live in eachothers back pockets.

*paces themselves diifferently

If you are struggling with her distance now, this isn't going to be a healthy relationship for you both. If you, like lots of us, need reassurance, consistency, stability and emotional attunement you have met this lady too early in her trauma recovery to be what you need.

I'm not trying to be needy, but I just think a small bit of reassurance is normal right?
She's 15 years into her trauma of what I know, she obviously she isn't over it yet.
Obviously she hide her bpd from me quite well in these 2 months, I didn't realise it was so bad

I understand you need for reassurance however to me it seems like the more you ask the more stressful it might be for her.I think she is going through a tough time. You clearly are concerned and love her a lot however now is not the time to expect anything. Give it some time. Let things settle in her world. Unfortunately you can't put a time frame on it. Try and get something done... Keep your self occupied till she comes around and is ready to speak about things.

When she felt overwhelmed last time she still spoke to me and was OK, so I'm confused why she wants to be left alone unless it's something to do with me this time.

I'm not trying to be needy, but I just think a small bit of reassurance is normal right?

Right. I think it would be a really good idea here to remember that YOU HARDLY KNOW THIS PERSON. 'Just over' a couple of months (so what, a few days more?!) - seriously that is nothing. So, bearing that in mind, yes, your comments above are a bit concerning. No, she shouldn't be mainly thinking about reassuring someone who is basically a casual acquaintance when she is feeling down. No, it really isn't at all about you so you can stop being 'confused' that someone you don't know very well has acted differently to the way she did a couple of weeks ago, or whatever.

This woman hasn't acted unfairly to you at all. She has informed you about her situation as you've got to know her better. She's asked you for space because she wishes to be alone - she hasn't dumped stuff on you, or acted erratically. She's just said she'd rather be alone. If you're going to take that personally when you've known her only a couple of months and start elbowing your way into areas of her life she might not want you to - well, that's concerning. Controlling. Needy. Bossy.

There is no story here except your slightly, slightly concerning response. Even your comment 'she hid it quite well for two months' - do you realise how you sound here?! Two. months. is. no. time. at. all.
She hasn't 'hidden' anything from you - you just don't actually know her yet.

I would give her the space she's asked for and really dial things down a bit.

@yoniandguy sorry but I think you're being quite rude and blunt. I am venting my thoughts on here, no where else. I haven't said anything to her and given her the space she's asked for and respecting her boundaries. I've asked for advice on here and voiced my worries and concerns. I think alot of people would be a bit surprised if everything was fine and then suddenly it weren't.

Hid her diagnosis! You’ve been together 8 weeks. You are at the getting know each other stage, not the verge of getting hitched stage.

You need to take a leaf out of her book and take responsibility for your own emotions. Your neediness isn’t her responsibility, especially after just eight weeks.

I didn't say hid her diagnosis, I knew she has bpd. I meant hid her meltdowns as she calls them. She even said this week she had been trying to be normal and hide them from me before.

When she's feeling better, please just talk to her about this. Reading up on BPD online won't help much, there are too many horror stories and (as seen on this thread) horrible comments.

Basically, you'll need to know how BPD affects her and what she needs or wants in a relationship. Then you can take some time to think about whether this relationship is for you. None of us will be able to tell you that stuff.

I've got BPD and although it is a source of stress in my relationship, it's something that my DH and I are able to navigate well. He tells me that I'm worth it! Ha. But not everyone could handle it, and not everyone with BPD will present the same.

I sometimes find it helpful to replace a mental illness with a physical one, just to see if my reactions are reasonable or a result of my own stigma and hang ups. It doesn't always work perfectly but it's often useful.

It's only been a couple of months, she's ask you for a few days of space to deal with a flare up of a medical condition, which she is taking responsibility for and managing herself. If she had, for example, severe ibs and was experiencing a flare up, and needed to be at home for a few days to recover, what would your reaction be? Would you take it personally and worry that you'd done something wrong?

Would you say things like 'she hid it well' or would you say 'it took her a while to open up to me, because it's quite a personal'?

It doesn't sound like she's blaming you at all. She knows it's her issue and she's dealing with it herself. Just give her the privacy she's asked for.

Hi OP. I know you are trying, but you did not respect her need for space, you messaged her even after she had asked to be left alone.

That message wasn’t for her, it was because you wanted a response. The opposite of leaving her alone.

@chalkdinosaur I will discuss with her when I hear from her. I don't really want to Google stuff as I can assume it effects people differently

@withgraceinmyheart thank you that's a good way of describing it.

Still haven't heard from her. We had arranged for me to go visit her tomorrow. We live 2 hours away so it's not like a last min thing to just go. Unsure if it's still going ahead.

There's three of you in this relationship, her, you and her Feelings. Its a menage a trois and you are just one part of that threesome.

She's text me. Saying "hi, I hope you've had a good weekend xx"
I'm a bit confused I thought she would address what had happened

Try not to take it personally, she is not talking about it because she doesn't want to right now. That text sounds like a perfunctory text because she told you she would contact you later. Keep it light and breezy and reply that your weekend was good. You probably need to clarify if you are going to see her tomorrow as its a couple of hours drive away and you need to organise yourself. Remember that you matter too. Your time is precious and you don't want to waste further time waiting around to see if you are travelling to her. She didn't mention it in her text so clarification is necessary.

Well I don't think it's going to end well. Apparently she'd overwhelmed by us but won't explain how. Won't answer my question if she wants to continue this. Ive told her I understand her wanting to be left alone but not understanding where we are after she's said that. She's still giving me vague answers so I think in going to give up now.
Protecting my own mental health

Probably for the best.
Though I can understand why she is stressing if you're trying to have this convo via text.
Surely waiting until she is up for meeting and having a casual chat would have cleared things up.

Seems like you both stress eachother out. And at 2 months in, maybe best to just cut your losses.

I wasnt even stressed about anytging until yesterday. I thought everything was fine and she seemed fine too. Its all too much for me. I've done so much work on myself that I won't let my mental health be brought down again. I know she has issues but she isn't communicating with me. That's all I asked of her

I think considering you're dealing with your own stuff too atm, this probably isn't the right relationship for you. Sounds like you just arent compatable.

Theres nothing wrong with doing what needs to be done to look out for your own mental health.

Hopefully you can break things off without too much distress caused on both sides. Good luck.

@Peanutbutterjelly10

Thanks for everyone's advice. There's a few contradicting things on here but from what I've seen of her she is kind and caring. She has PTSD also and is having therapy for that and her Bpd. She tries to understand it and is very aware. This is all very new to me, just wanted to know if it was common for someone who has Bpd to get overwhelmed and want time alone? I care about her and she does with me, I've learnt not to burn myself out to save people but all I want to be is understanding really.

Therapy - and really engaging with it, not only surface engagement - often makes the difference between successfully learning to handle it (and in some people it actually diminishes over time until it pretty well disappears) and not learning to handle it.

Handling it means a huge battle for the person with BPD and they can come out stronger and with a lot of self-knowledge and wisdom.

Not learning to handle it can mean the person becomes dreadful to live with and very damaging.

Her needing space is fine.

deKraai's post is excellent about keeping good boundaries in place and making sure your needs as well as hers are met.

About people with BPD being able or unable to keep a relationship going: the truth is, some can and some can't. The illness itself can make things harder.