Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

I'd leave her well alone. I think it will save you years of confusion and heartbreak.

Dear me, LilyWater, do calm down.

You are aware, aren't you, that the prognosis for (most) people with BPD is quite good, specially at the milder ends?

*Lilywater
*
You're repeating a lot of negative stereotypes here, and none of it's helpful to the OP who was in a relationship with a person not a diagnosis.

You're also gaslighting the (very brave) people on this thread who've posted about their own successful relationships. How would you know if their partners are happy or not?

Lots of people recover from bpd with the correct treatment. Stop claiming otherwise.

Well, @LilyWater, if you've read the NHS website then you are clearly the expert on BPD.

BRB, I'm just off to tell my husband that our relationship is a sham.

In all seriousness though, the symptoms you'll read about online are the criteria for diagnosis. They won't all apply to every person with BPD (there are 9 diagnostic criteria and people need to meet at least 5 to be diagnosed) and after effective treatment those most of those symptoms will generally improve a lot or even go completely.

Yes to clarify it's borderline and not bipolar

peanut I Pm'd you

@LilyWater - where is this knowledge or “many of these people” coming from, apart from “the NHS website”?

I’ve worked with young women with BPD, in a professional role, and I can tell you that they were all very different from each other, although they had some traits in common .

Actual real humans, just like the rest of us, much more than a description on a website With the range of differences, flaws and talents that we all have as people, regardless of any mental health problems or personality disorder diagnosis.

It is a disorder that already has an unfair stigma attached to it, and your comments could be very upsetting to someone who is trying to live their live in the best way they can, and who may well already have a significant history of trauma.

seaeagle thank you I've just seen it, I've replied

@withgraceinmyheart

*Lilywater * You're repeating a lot of negative stereotypes here, and none of it's helpful to the OP who was in a relationship with a person not a diagnosis.

You're also gaslighting the (very brave) people on this thread who've posted about their own successful relationships. How would you know if their partners are happy or not?

Lots of people recover from bpd with the correct treatment. Stop claiming otherwise.

Well he's (or rather was) in a relationship with a person with a diagnosis. The same way that hundreds of millions of people worldwide with all sorts of health conditions have a diagnosis. Recognising a medical diagnosis doesnt stop them from being people

BPD is a diagnosed mental health disorder, and any of the cluster of symptoms which lead to a BPD diagnosis would affect the other partner in an intimate relationship, whether the person with BPD recognises that themselves or not. Like any other condition, it doesn't benefit anyone, including people with BPD, to deny or minimise the real impacts these symptoms. The subsequent posts from people have just proved my point really and is exactly why myself and others have advised the OP as we have done.

"How would you know whether their partners and children are happy or not", well we don't - that's exactly what I said

I signposted to the official NHS website which is based on clinical evidence over many years and from many people. It's interesting that you're seeing things that I never wrote...

@LilyWater Gosh! BPD and bipolar have similar acronyms? Hmm I see where you got confused. It’s clear you don’t have any actual experience of either. If you want a better understanding I would try watching Kati Morton on YouTube and having a read of the following
www.time-to-change.org.uk/category/blog/personality-disorders

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

my crazy ex girlfriend.

BPD is incredibly stigmatised and misunderstood by public and professionals alike. Leading to a lack of access to treatment and can have a suicide rate of 10%. reading the comments on the thread is disheartening, seeing how I and many of the patients I see are seen by others makes me ashamed of who I am. I work hard to manage my symptoms I’m not perfect, I hold down a stressful and difficult job and have a loving caring relationship but i do get overwhelmed and need my space I am very self aware which means I can see where I go wrong but I end up blaming and hating myself for it.

@bubblesr - Please don’t be ashamed of who you are.

There are plenty of people strolling around there in the world who have little self awareness and don’t treat others very well at all, regardless of the fact that they haven’t been diagnosed with a personality disorder.

To be self aware is a point that many of those people never reach in life, so you are one step ahead of the game already.

If it is borderline personality disorder then the OP needs to remove himself from the relationship and situation immediately, because you're exactly right, there's no medication for BPD, since it's their actual personality. I now understand the previous replies on this thread. Borderline is a whole other ball game . OP do not under ANY circumstances, let her reel you back in!

I think you might have confused BPD with a house on fire, you might want to ring 999.

*Lilywater
*
My point is that you're lumping everyone with a certain diagnosis together and saying 'this is what they are like'. You've done it twice now, about two different diagnoses, because you didn't read the thread to work out which group people you should be judging this time.

That is stigma. And is it unacceptable.

'People with bpd' don't exist as a group that you can make a decision about, no matter how many websites you read.

@withgraceinmyheart

*Lilywater * My point is that you're lumping everyone with a certain diagnosis together and saying 'this is what they are like'. You've done it twice now, about two different diagnoses, because you didn't read the thread to work out which group people you should be judging this time.

That is stigma. And is it unacceptable.

'People with bpd' don't exist as a group that you can make a decision about, no matter how many websites you read.

As the website says, symptoms can range but BPD itself is characterised by a disorder of mood and how they interact with others. It's right there on the NHS website. If they didn't, they wouldn't be diagnosed with BPD in the first place. Since the disorder means someone with BPD thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others differently, then of course their perceptions of their own illness and how it impacts others are likely to be different from people without BPD.

Having any kind of illness (mental or not) obviously doesn't make anyone any less of a person. However the very nature of the disorder means anyone seeking a healthy relationship has to take it into consideration, as their own mental health is just as important. Other people are perfectly entitled to put their mental health first and get out of situations that are unhealthy for them.

You've lumped everyone into the same group and treated them as if they were lepers.

Unpleasant and unjustified. Backtracking doesn't help.

With all due respect, everyone lumps ppl with npd in the same group too. And no one complains about that. Yet bpd often shares similar traits to npd. So why does it get a "aww diddums, they're just ill" ?

What because more of them are women? Women cant be emotional abusers? They're just ill?

Look, everyone is different. Not every narcissist is particularly terrible. Most of them are, sure but some are pretty low on the spectrum for some of the key traits. The same way I'm sure some bpd cases are low on the spectrum for some of the key traits of bpd (some of which are shared with npd).

Some may suffer more from the features of the disorder that cause THEMSELF harm. Rather than say, tendency towards manipulation, which would hurt others.

But the fact is, its double standards to excuse the behaviour as mental illness if you would not do the same for npd and the other cluster b disorders. Even if there is a chance of cognitive behavioural therapy being able to help in cases of bpd.

Annnnnd befotevanyone says it, no I do not think everyone eith bpd is emotionally abisive.

I'm sure some have perfectly healthy relationships, especially if they done self work. Though this may be the exception, not the rule.

*and before anyone says it, no of course I dont think everyone with bpd is emotionally abusive.

No backtracking at all. The replies with denial, twisting/projecting things we didn't say, and minimisation, all serve to illustrate my (and other posters') points about unhealthy dynamics and the need for others to protect their own mental health. I imagine only those who accept their diagnosis and go through proper treatment can start to recover and form healthier relationships with themselves and others. No more to be said as the OP has made his own mind up and has certainly made the best decision for him! Wish you the best.

Peanutbutterjelly10

I’m sorry about your experience here. It can and does happen if a person with bpd is with someone who as you describe yourself is sensitive. That isn’t to say it is your fault in any way at all. Just that it’s a mismatch. I have bpd, ocd and anxiety as well as depression and it’s really very hard at times to control and to act fairly. I’m fortunate that I found a fiancé who has, through the 3 years we have been together, been able to work with me through it in order that our relationship is successful. Over that time, it’s been horrific (my behaviour) but has now settled into a nice normal relationship. Mine is predominantly about fear of being abandoned and so I used to push him away first. Instead I now communicate and think before I behave or speak whereas before I didn’t. And because he is still here with me despite my past behaviour (which i am not proud of) this is also gone a long way to calming my fear of abandonment. Having said all of that, I realise I am very lucky to have a man who could handle that and i will confess, and have told him so, that I would have left long ago. As i am the sensitive type too (when my mood is normal). You must put yourself and your mental health and happiness first. Just as my partner didn’t owe me his patience, you don’t owe her yours either if it’s making you unhappy. I’m aware of how horrific this disorder can be. From what you have posted it does seem to me that perhaps she is highly concerned that you will see this side of her and leave, and as such she has tried her best to keep that side from you in order to protect you and the relationship, found that she couldn’t any longer (it is hard) and rather than continue and potentially hurt you or be hurt by you leaving, she has done it first. Just a word of caution if you are certain you want the relationship over; a big part of my behaviour when I was bad involved me ‘leaving’ him countless times. There were many reasons for this. One big one was the shame and true belief that he deserved better (he probably did at the time to be honest). The other was to leave him before he left me (a great fear I had at the time) and lastly another was to get him to ‘chase’ me, so I would feel reassured he wasn’t leaving. She may be doing this kind of thing; for her own reasons fake leaving. Be careful of this. I have been on this journey and worked hard and done a lot of introspection now, and when I feel that way I communicate with him properly. But she may not be at that point in her own journey yet. Not all bpd get to that point where they can control it enough to be able to be in a successful relationship. Many can. I don’t know her. All I can say is it is up to her to protect herself and learn and it is your job to protect yourself and your right to be happy. Do what makes you happy. She needs support from the doctor at the very least. If she can’t even engage in this then there isn’t much hope for the relationship in my opinion. I hope you’re ok, and please stop the self blame. You sound lovely

Peanutbutterjelly10

If she has asked you not to google it I do find this concerning. During the process with my fiancé, I instigated googling (on proper websites only) the disorder. So that he understood. And from there we began a process of googling the other sides view so to speak. So he would google how I was feeling, and I would google the affects of my behaviour on him based on how I was feeling. So that we both were able to inform ourselves as to how the other person in the relationship is feeling, in order to understand each other and be able to communicate effectively. It is massively stigmatised so I can understand her fear, but a sit down together reading real scientific research on the disorder won’t throw up stigma, it will help enlighten you both together, as a couple going forward