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Original poster

Partner with Bpd-told to leave alone

165 replies

Peanutbutterjelly10 · 07/11/2020 19:02

I've been dating someone for over 2 months now. We are now officially together. She has borderline personality disorder. It hasn't really been an issue until tonight. She's told me sometimes she gets overwhelmed with everything and today she hasn't been right. So asked if everything was OK and she said she's feeling overwhelmed with everything. So asked if I could do anything or leave her alone. She said it helps to leave her alone. Which I'm now doing but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Even though I know she can't help it and I'm trying to understand it, feels a bit rubbish 😕 anyone on here have BPD? Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 09/11/2020 08:01

Thanks @seaeaglefeather but I think it's over. She isn't being fair to me and won't tell me what she wants.
So I'm ending it for my own sanity

OP posts:
litterbird · 09/11/2020 08:14

Sorry to hear you are ending it but if it is starting to affect your mental health already this really isn't the relationship for you. Please keep your boundaries up at all times and although this may step you back a bit in your healing just remember you stopped something that may not have been right for you before it did further damage.

Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 09/11/2020 09:07

Thanks @litterbird and thanks for all your advise. It hurts but I can't be messed around and given vague answers or ignored. It's just not fair. I've said in my healing I need to have stronger boundaries and I'm now trying to keep to that

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 09/11/2020 09:18

There's nothing wrong with you at all for wanting what you do. She just can't give it to you. She isn't able to regulate her own emotions and be in a relationship at the same time (as things stand now).

Sorry it's ended. Hope you're alright.

Dowermouse · 09/11/2020 09:25

The organisation Drop The Disorder is a good source for understanding a diagnosis of BPD.
It isn't about you.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/11/2020 09:29

Fair enough, much better to call time now than further down the line. Good luck.

Requinblanc · 09/11/2020 10:23

It is a very challenging disorder.

However one of my bosses was bipolar and managed to build a happy family with 3 kids. He and his partner have been together for 30 years and going strong.

I also know other people with the condition who have struggled all their lives to keep relationships and friendships.

I must say all of the above are really interesting and kind people deep down but they can be hard to cope with.

Maybe try to learn more about the condition and see whether it is something you will be able to live with longer term.

People with BPD are not automatically psychopaths...that is just nonsense.

YoniAndGuy · 09/11/2020 11:15

@Peanutbutterjelly10

Thanks *@litterbird* and thanks for all your advise. It hurts but I can't be messed around and given vague answers or ignored. It's just not fair. I've said in my healing I need to have stronger boundaries and I'm now trying to keep to that
It sounds as if you are definitely not the person who will suit her, and she is definitely not the person who can give you what you need.
Ketrina · 09/11/2020 11:18

I have BPD.

When I'm overwhelmed with stress, emotions, life in fucking general tbh, I want to be alone. Having someone there trying to comfort me makes me feel angry and annoyed. Just let her have time to herself to feel what she feels. If you don't leave me alone, I might snap at you because I feel like my head is gonna explode and you're not listening to what I need! Leave me alone, I'll have a cry and sort myself out.

Ketrina · 09/11/2020 11:20

Been in this relationship for 7 years, I might add.

Ketrina · 09/11/2020 11:24

Not many can handle being told to stay away by someone they love.

Really? That sounds very co-dependent. Even as a child, I couldn't stand being around friends for too long, I'd need my space after to be in my room and just... be, without any external pressures or influences. It sounds very needy that you can't handle your partner needing some alone time.

Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 10/11/2020 04:04

Hi everyone, she actually ended up finishing it first. She said she had her therapy and made a decision in it.
However she blamed me and said my reaction to her meltdown over the weekend hurt her and she felt attacked and now I'm not her safe space. Which I'm finding it hard to believe because I think my reaction was normal to be upset and frustrated when someone tells you they can't tell you if they want to be with you or not. I've spoken to family and friends and they also agree and said they would have felt the same.
I know it wasn't going to be a healthy relationship I'm just finding it hard to accept all the blame she's given me.
I am upset, I thought we understood each other. And I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that one minute we were OK and the next we are not together.
I think if we had argued or saw it coming maybe I could deal with it better. But I did not see it coming.

OP posts:
Seafog · 10/11/2020 04:29

It's still not been two months, she needed space and you weren't okay with it, she wanted to stop before things got worse.
I think it is a good sign she made the decision with therapy, not as something shouted in a fight or something all dramatic.
It isn't helpful for her to try and hand out blame, but there is also no reason for you to take it on board or let it hurt you .
It clearly wasn't meant to be, so let go and focus on some self nurturing Flowers

ChalkDinosaur · 10/11/2020 05:58

@seafog said it perfectly. I think she handled it pretty well really given the circumstances, and this was clearly not the right relationship for either of you. Sorry it didn't work out OP, time to move forward.

Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 10/11/2020 07:59

It weren't about the space, she said I didn't understand her when she said she didn't know if I wanted to be witg her. Although I think she had her mind made up before then because she said I had to make this decision without emotion and that's why I wanted space.
No clue what triggered it. I'm obviously going to move on, just finding it hard to make sense of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 10/11/2020 08:12

Sorry that was suppose to say when she said she didn't know if she wanted to be with me

OP posts:
litterbird · 10/11/2020 10:21

Best to move on. You can spend so much time trying to make sense of it but you will never get to the bottom of it. BPD is a difficult and challenging disorder for some (not all) and its not for you to try and normalise it. Triggers can come out of no where as you have witnessed. Chalk it up as experience and a new learning and appreciation for something you never knew about before.

withgraceinmyheart · 10/11/2020 13:31

It doesn't like she was 'blaming' you. It sounds like you asked for an explanation and she tried to explain.

I knows it's hard, but as other posters have said it's been a short relationship.

If she didn't know if she wanted to be with you after two months, that's pretty normal. I'd find it hard to deal with if someone got really upset about me saying that so early in the relationship. Tbh it sounds like you pressured her to give you an answer before she was ready, and then got upset when she wasn't able to.

Clearly this wasn't the right thing for either of you. It's good that you've both realised that.

LilyWater · 10/11/2020 13:53

You need to decide of it's something you realistically want to cope with. BPD affects different people differently so what's manageable for one person, won't be for another.

The politically correct thing to say is that anyone can work through any type of mental health issue their boyfriend/girlfriend has, but the reality is that you're not married or committed to her; this is the dating stage when you're both seeing if you're compatible with one another.

ALWAYS keep in mind that your mental and emotional health are just as important as hers. Do not let anyone on this thread or elsewhere lead you to think otherwise.

Whatever you do, do not move in or marry her or have kids with her unless you're absolutely sure you're willing and able to handle the challenges her BPD will bring, including if it worsens, and the impact this would have on any children. Too many people make this mistake, leading to broken hearts and badly impacted children.

Also very important to be aware that some people with BPD (as with anyone who takes any medication) may not always take their prescribed medication (and not tell you that they've done this) so you need to factor in this risk and the impact this would have on you and any children.

LilyWater · 10/11/2020 14:10

@fantasmasgoria1

Of course people with bpd should have a relationship. I have had three long term relationships and it was the exes that were very abusive and controlling. I made the relationships work for many years but eventually I had no choice.

Most people with bpd are not any more manipulative than anyone else. Those people that say run for thee hills are in effect saying that no one with bpd should be allowed to have a relationship. They are more than capable of a ltr. In the end its up to you but don't take all of the negative comments and think they are the only truth.

I hope people with BPD get the support they need but no one (BPD or not) is entitled to a relationship. There's no getting away from the fact that it is a serious mental health condition that naturally has an impact on the intimate partner. And that person's mental and emotional health is no less important than the person with BPD. It's not just having a relationship, that relationship should be healthy for both partners. In some cases it just won't be, through no one's fault, and the best thing for both parties is for the other person to walk away or not get romantically involved.
Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 10/11/2020 14:20

Thanks everyone for advice and opinions. lily she refuses to take any medication and is trying to do it herself with some "therapy" which isn't proper therapy really. She described it as talking to a mate about it who is a clinical pysch who she works with.
I really feel I did nothing wrong and this all came out of no where. I'm just feeling emotionally exhausted and just wish I could forget it all and forget my feelings. Would be easier

OP posts:
LilyWater · 10/11/2020 14:22

@Peanutbutterjelly10

Hi everyone, she actually ended up finishing it first. She said she had her therapy and made a decision in it. However she blamed me and said my reaction to her meltdown over the weekend hurt her and she felt attacked and now I'm not her safe space. Which I'm finding it hard to believe because I think my reaction was normal to be upset and frustrated when someone tells you they can't tell you if they want to be with you or not. I've spoken to family and friends and they also agree and said they would have felt the same. I know it wasn't going to be a healthy relationship I'm just finding it hard to accept all the blame she's given me. I am upset, I thought we understood each other. And I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that one minute we were OK and the next we are not together. I think if we had argued or saw it coming maybe I could deal with it better. But I did not see it coming.
Sorry OP, just seen this your update. It incidentally highlights my point about the need for the relationship to be healthy for both partners! Don't blame yourself, you were both simply incompatible and please don't be tempted back if she tries to reel you back in again! All the best for next time Smile
LilyWater · 10/11/2020 14:25

Yikes if she's refusing to take medication you've had a lucky escape! I have a friend with BPD who refused medication for some time, similarly thinking he knew better and it was carnage unfortunately Sad He's doing better now thankfully, but I personally could never be romantically involved with someone where there was that risk.

DixitWinner · 10/11/2020 14:47

@LilyWater - Are you mixing BPD up with bipolar?

BPD isn’t something that can be treated with medication, although if the person has anxiety/depression then they might take medication for that, in the same way anyone would.

@Peanutbutterjelly10 - you are dismissive of her “therapy”, saying it’s not therapy, and saying that she is refusing medication - when there is no indication she needs medication. As if you know what she needs and what is best for her more than she does - when you’ve known her for under 2 months.

It doesn’t matter what she is or isn’t doing with her disorder, it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the way she broke it off or you don’t understand it - everyone has the right to end a relationship, they don’t need permission.

Obsessing over what she is thinking, or why she did it, is precious time you could be using to think about what makes you happy and what you want from life and relationships. Hopefully someone who wants the relationship just as much as you do and who is willing and able to meet your needs, this wasn’t the one but you’ve still learnt something from it, even if it’s a reminder of where you boundaries are Flowers

Original poster
Peanutbutterjelly10 · 10/11/2020 15:54

Yes sorry I was getting muddled she refused medication for a health problem not her bpd. Just trying to keep busy atm. I did some exercise earlier which helped. Have great support from family and friends so I know in time I'll be OK.
I am a sensitive person that is just my nature so obviously this relationship wasn't suppose to be, we are not right for each other as others have said.

OP posts: