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Original poster

Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

179 replies

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:09

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Lampan · 07/11/2020 07:14

I don’t think it is normal, not in my experience. I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who lacks basic manners anyway.

Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:14

Oh, and by cooking and cleaning I mean after we ate. I cooked dinners and breakfast a couple of times and he didn't lift a finger. I left dishes in the sink after dinner and went to shower, asked him what he'd do and he just said 'chill with TV'. When I was back, the dishes were still in the sink. All he did was putting the sauces back in the fridge and putting the kettle on.
He also left wine glasses and empty chocolate wrappers on my coffee tables before going to bed, didn't take it to the kitchen.
Am I being petty?

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 07/11/2020 07:15

Do you mean cleaning up after a meal? That me pretty much all I’d expect at that stage - helping to wash up etc after dinner (not immediately - after shagging, hopefully, at such an early stage Grin) I wouldn’t expect help with general housework.

The car thing - lorry driver does not equal skilled mechanic, really. If he doesn’t know how to fix it and isn’t practically-minded like than, needing to fiddle with broken things, then why would he?

Ask him to recommend a garage/mechanic for the car. Ask him to cook with you the next time heals over for dinner, or go to his and expect him to cook.

DisgruntledPelican · 07/11/2020 07:15

*like that

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 07/11/2020 07:16

A real woman can do it all herself... a real man won't let her.

DisgruntledPelican · 07/11/2020 07:16

Oh god, many typos. It is too early. You get the gist.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 07/11/2020 07:18

Hmmm no I think he could and should help as I think you do too. You may not be an established couple yet but bear in mind that the first few months is generally when people of either sex are falling over themselves to show their 'best' side and going out of their way to help with stuff.
By all means give him the chance to do these things by asking him outright for some help just in case he doesn't know if it's his place to give you a hand. See what he does when you ask him clearly.
However I would have said that he should instinctively already be doing these things. Good luck.

MLMbotsgoaway · 07/11/2020 07:19

Maybe a bit of washing up yes.

The car thing though - YABU. I mean, on your basis - you drive a car so you must be able to fix one. Just because he’s driven a lorry doesn’t mean he’s a mechanic.

ivykaty44 · 07/11/2020 07:19

I wouldn’t offer to look at someone’s car if it wasn’t working, not sure why you think a date should be doing this

If I have someone round for dinner then i don’t expect them to stand and do washing up - popping things in the sink ready yes, but not more than that

PamDemic · 07/11/2020 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:20

He seems quite practical for his own intetests, as he fixes broken devices I cannot even call and expressed an interest in restoring a vintage car in the future but also said 'he hasn't got much interest in modern cars'. He was telling me what the issue with my car can potentially be, so seems like he does know stuff, just not interested in helping.

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 07/11/2020 07:21

He's a lazy, inconsiderate ,selfish twat. Get rid. Before you know it you'll be living with him or married and cleaning up after him forever.

TeaAndHobnob · 07/11/2020 07:21

Does he drive? Tbh I'd offer to drive a friend to and from work if I had a day off. He could do that even one day a week.

And yes he should be cleaning up after dinner.

He sounds selfish.

Sirzy · 07/11/2020 07:22

“Give me a hand with the dishes then we can chill together” should surely sort that one?

Lorry driver doesn’t equate to engine expert.

It does seem that the main issue is a lack of communication really which is important in the early days to get the boundaries and expectations in place

But it’s still a very new relationship so if your getting annoyed by things so early on then maybe best to get away now?

MLMbotsgoaway · 07/11/2020 07:23

@whoknew1 but I could probably say “oh it sounds like the alternator has gone” would know how to check or how to fix it.

Longdistance · 07/11/2020 07:23

I’d expect him to help wash up and keep your house tidy. He’s showing you early on that he’s slothernly.
Not sure about fixing the car, depends on his experience. My bil used to be a lorry mechanic and he could fix a car. He could at least help find a mechanic.
He just doesn’t seem helpful.
What’s his background? Single? exw? Exgf? Kids?

Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:23

Also, I do not expect it to 'fix' my car but maybe just offering help to check it and confirming it might be a minor issue and if it's safe to drive.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/11/2020 07:23

@whoknew1

He seems quite practical for his own intetests, as he fixes broken devices I cannot even call and expressed an interest in restoring a vintage car in the future but also said 'he hasn't got much interest in modern cars'. He was telling me what the issue with my car can potentially be, so seems like he does know stuff, just not interested in helping.
Knowing what the problem may be and being able to do anything to fix it are two very different things though!
RhymesWithOrange · 07/11/2020 07:24

YABU re the car. I wouldn't offer to help in case it went wrong. YANBU re the dishes.

Sirzy · 07/11/2020 07:25

@whoknew1

Also, I do not expect it to 'fix' my car but maybe just offering help to check it and confirming it might be a minor issue and if it's safe to drive.
I wouldn’t expect anyone without proper training to make a judgement of the safety of my car to be driven. What if he is wrong and it makes the problem worse? Or even worse causes the car to malfunction when being driven?
Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:31

I will repeat: I would not expect him to fix it or decide if it's fine long term. But it bugs me he offered looking at it, to establish what an issue might be until I find a mechanic, so I can even drive a car to the garage or back home. Only because ha said that when he used to be a lorry driver, a part of his job was obviously checking if the lorry is safe to drive. Plus his interest in cars. I have very basic knowledge on it.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/11/2020 07:31

If you don’t expect him to fix the cars what’s the point in him looking at it or offering?

Take it to your normal mechanic/garage and get it fixed

Why would you even want this date involved?

ivykaty44 · 07/11/2020 07:32

His interest is in vintage cars - not modern cars, which are very different

PoulePouletteEternellement · 07/11/2020 07:33

To be perfectly honest, in the situation you describe, I (female) probably wouldn't be rushing to cook and wash up at a new man's house. And as for wine glasses and chocolate wrappings ... they'd be invisible to me.

Two months /eight weeks in, having visited them four or five times - I'd consider myself a guest, giving all my attention to the host - not their housekeeping. And vice versa when they visited me. That way no one starts to feel too comfortable and 'at home' before we've even begun to get to know each other.

Sirzy · 07/11/2020 07:34

My partner is a lorry driver. The checks they do daily to ensure the lorry is ok wouldn’t equate to being able to decide if a car was safe to drive or not. That’s why they have mechanics at the depots to do the mechanical side of things!

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