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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

179 replies

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:09

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Eddielzzard · 07/11/2020 08:15

No. He's not generous is he? Sounds selfish and lazy.

Darker · 07/11/2020 08:16

We are in a pandemic - why are you angling to go to his place/house share?

If you are happy for him to come to you then ask him to bring something to cook/drink.

Spied · 07/11/2020 08:17

Sounds like a bit of a manchild to me.
He's never going to be proactive. Never the sort to make an effort.
In a relationship living together you'll be forever having to ask him to do everyday tasks that a more upbeat, proactive man who can use his initiative would do automatically.
It's waring.

Classicbrunette · 07/11/2020 08:19

I’m with a lorry driver, he has classic cars and he knows how to fix modern cars. He also does the shopping, comes home, cooks cleans and washes up. No way would he sit on his arse knowing I have no working car.

Dump your sorry loser. He’s a poor excuse for a man.

Sundiamond · 07/11/2020 08:20

I don't think any of this is about the car or the washing up etc.

Your instincts are kicking in. You're asking yourself whether the person you've spent the best part of a year with is generous, helpful, respectful and the sort of partner you want in your life.

And I think you're also answering yourself by even being here: no.

Sssloou · 07/11/2020 08:20

You started this thread about two specific things and your updates paint a deeper picture.

You know in your gut that there are too many “little” things / unsettled / confused feelings and you are putting these all together and the answer is a big “NO” - you are not compatible. You might not have all the words for why yet - but your gut is your early warning signal - is your need to approach MN. I would bin him now (because it’s only a matter of time) - he sounds like he has the makings of a cocklodger - your personality and accommodations would greatly enhance his life (already has) without him having to bring anything to it. He is not what YOU want - so you are not compatible.

I agree with others that the car thing is a red herring. By the way did he spend those 3 days off mostly at your house? But the rest of the imbalances that o PP have pointed out that you hadn’t yet clocked are important.

This though.....

I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

.....is especially worrisome and is where you should focus on your own self development rather than interpret or adapt to others. Why are you embarrassed to ask for “help” - are you uncomfortable asserting yourself? Do you see RS as equal? What was you marriage and your parents RS like? Is it really “help” or is it just mooching along together equally that you expect - and why can’t you calmly say - can you bring x, y, z, can we stay at yours on x, can you chop the x, lay the table, load the dishwasher. Were you able to do that with other RS?

TwentyViginti · 07/11/2020 08:20

You've set the dynamics here, playing housewife to this man and he's unlikely to stop you now.

He gets sex, his meals cooked and no washing up to do. Great 'dating' set up for him.

Sundiamond · 07/11/2020 08:21

Sorry, not best part of a year. I meant a few months

whenwillthemadnessend · 07/11/2020 08:22

He sound lazy and a bit of a man child. I'd bin him before you get in too deep if your not willing to be his mummy long term.

copperoliver · 07/11/2020 08:22

He's a lazy shite. X

SpongeWorthy · 07/11/2020 08:22

OP why on earth are you still seeing this man?! I don't mean that as a throwaway comment - really think about your answer.

Why are you still seeing someone you aren't smitten with despite it being early days?
Why are you still seeing someone who irritates you?
Why are you still seeing someone you aren't sexually compatible with?
Why are you still seeing someone you don't feel pays you attention in the way you want and need?

Do you think it's a good idea to keep seeing him?

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/11/2020 08:22

OP just looked at your previous thread and this bloke is a LOSER. Get rid

Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin · 07/11/2020 08:23

I thought you ended it with him last month after the weekend away and no condom incident?

You were having doubts then about him being tight with money and being selfish sex wise. Why are you still with him?

Original poster

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 08:23

@Darker

We are in a pandemic - why are you angling to go to his place/house share?

If you are happy for him to come to you then ask him to bring something to cook/drink.

I am not or was not going to go there. As a single parent I am allowed to be in a support bubble with someone when my child goes to dad. He obviously assumed that now 'we are in a bubble now' and said he will just come to mine next week for the weekend... but I said I need to consider this first as I was in a bubble with my good friend who lives locally and tbf I much rather it stayed that way. And then I asked if I was to be in a bubble with him, how about me visiting him, which he sort of not said proper yes or no to. Eugh. I don't even have normal conversations with him anymore, as everything he says make me question my common sense and my choices or approach.

OP posts:

cansu · 07/11/2020 08:23

You need to make it clear. E.g. Right you are on clean up duty while I have a shower. etc

With the care, you just ask. E.g. Would you mind having a look at the car?

It seems weird that you are too embarrassed to say these things to someone you are presumably sleeping with!

Nailgirl · 07/11/2020 08:26

If this is the start and his "best side" in early relationship I would cut my losses.

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/11/2020 08:27

My dh is a lorry driver he knows nothing about cars. If you've invited him round for dinner why would he cook and clean im abit puzzled that you have issues over stuff that's in the honeymoon phrase.

RhymesWithOrange · 07/11/2020 08:27

I remember your previous thread.

Honestly, just end it.

MLMbotsgoaway · 07/11/2020 08:30

Oh god - I remember the previous thread. Seriously why are you with him?
The daughter than weirdly lives with his sister and he pays no money for.
The shit sex
The bad conversion etc

What are you hoping for here?

Aparttogether · 07/11/2020 08:30

I wouldn’t expect him to help clean or tidy if you’ve only been seeing him 1-2 months and I wouldn’t be doing cleaning or tidying in his place either. I would still see him as a guest at this stage.

However I hate getting into cosy relationships too soon where they come round for a drink (shag) and get waited on for the evening and I never cook.

Aparttogether · 07/11/2020 08:31

He sounds horrible anyway based on your previous thread.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/11/2020 08:33

He sounds like he's quite happy to sit back and let you do all the work.
Is this the sort of relationship you want going forward?

Have you been out for drinks/dinner yet? I appreciate this is harder at the moment because of covid but still - have you? Was it expected that you would pay your own way? (Not an issue in itself, necessarily, but another indication that he only looks out for himself)

I think it's only polite to offer to help clear up, even after the first time at someone's house - I always do when I'm at friend's houses! I certainly wouldn't just sit back and expect to be waited on.

Sssloou · 07/11/2020 08:35

.......but after nearly 2 days together I just couldn’t wait for him to go home.

From your last thread. Again YOUR gut. Why are your ignoring yourself and punishing yourself?

Why did you feel the need to give it another go? Do you spend a lot of time dissociated in wishful thinking (repress your OWN gut feelings/ instincts ) pretending you are happy, think this is all you deserve? How were you parented / treated in your marriage for you to subjugate yourself to this level?

Is he living at yours during lockdown?

wirldsgonemad · 07/11/2020 08:37

He's not that into you. If he was he would help.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 07/11/2020 08:38

Use the excuse that you’re not meant to switch bubbles (true) and just stop seeing him.

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